It was familiar
But not the same
Nothing looked exact
Just a counterfeit
Of what I knew

I talked to your family
In my hazy dream
Mid sentence, you entered
I looked over at you
And broke down

I sobbed like I forgot I could
I just grabbed on to you and cried
For us, the mess we made
Trying to love each other
In these crazy lives we lead

You looked different, you weren't you
And I couldn't help but say
How everything looked different
In between choking on tears
That's all I could say

I clung to you because I needed to
Because I needed you
I sobbed into your chest and shook
As I did so many times before
As I'll never do again

But you were only there as a form
You looked at me with sympathy
But without the same convictions
Without the same emotions
I cried harder

I shouted out for you last night
Said your name, reached to feel you
Because as I'm trying to move on
It's hard to not extend towards you
To hold the hand I grew to know

And as I write this, fully awake
I need to walk away from it all
Because I'm afraid my roommate will see me
Crying at the kitchen table

Asphyxiating on your shadow
Suffocating in the great lack
Smothered by selfishness
Stifled by cognizance
Strangled by an invisible grasp

And when I saw your name roll across my screen
At one in the morning, was that a dream?
Because I was doing fine
I was doing so fine in fact that I forgot
About you and the mess that I became
Because I was so preoccupied with trying to feel ready
And feel right for you, but you didn't pressure
I rushed myself into it, I tripped over my shoelaces
Like a little girl trying to dress herself for once
Were my sneakers even on the right feet?
And I lined up at the starting line
Days before the race had contemplated commencing

I didn't know how to handle you
How to handle no pressure
I had to create some because I've never had none
I've always had a ticking clock
Most times it ended up being a time bomb
I just didn't know how to be without the stress
Even though that's what I tried to leave behind

And I did not know how to handle
Caring for you the way I did, how I didn't
Know what I did or I hadn't
Was a low point for me, I was all turned around
The desires in my heart confused my head
Into thinking it was okay
To say things to you that I really did feel
But my head told my heart they weren't good
That I didn't feel them because I didn't know entirely
And I held back because I was confused
I pushed you away because I didn't want you to be used
I pray you understand that I truly cared
I'm a genuine person, but I'm genuinely scared

I had to be honest
I have to be honest
I was being honest
I try to be honest
I am being honest
When I say that I felt a large pang
Like I sunk into my mattress
Yet simultaneously I was relieved
When I saw your name appear
Out of thin air, onto my screen
It could have been a drunk text
An anebriated thought, possibly
I felt fine, I was fine
It is only a dream

By the way we've proceeded, I've gathered
Up hints like raspberries in a basket
The fruit is sweet, but the thorns are sharp and the dye stains red
My fingers are crimson and I'm not mistaken
You don't want anything to do with me