And perhaps
the reason we cherish photos so much
is because they never change
even when the people in them do,
and that is truly beautiful

Heaven is real.
- I've seen it with you.

Hell is real.
- I'm living in it.

I just want to be happy.
Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I guess it is for me
because my heart still remains
shattered on the floor.

Well, at least what is left of this heart
that was never never whole in the beginning.
Because I gave it away to people who never deserved it,
and lost yet again in a game
that I never end up winning.

"Mom, my depression is a shape-shifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear,
the next, it's the bear.
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
I call the bad days the "dark days".
Mom says, "Try lighting candles."
But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church,
the flicker of a flame,
sparks of a memory younger than noon.
I am standing beside her open casket.
It it the moment that I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die.
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark,
perhaps that's part of the problem.
Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed?"
I can't.
Anxiety hold me a hostage inside of my house,
inside of my head.
Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?"
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town
depression felt obligated to being to the party.
Mom, I am the party.
Only I am a party I don't want to be at.
Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties? See your friends."
Sure, I make plans.
I make plans, but I don't wanna go.
I make plans because I know I should want to go,
I know sometimes I would have wanted to go,
It's just,
Not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom.
You see mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms,
dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light.
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.
Mom says, "Try counting sheep."
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake at night.
So, I go for walks,
but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists,
they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in.
Mom says, "Happy is a decision."
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg.
My happy is a high fever that will break.
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat our asks me if I am afraid of dying.
No!
I am afraid of living!
Mom, I am lonely!
I think I learned when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy,
so, when I say I've been super busy,
I mean I've been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed.
But depression always drags me back to my bed until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city.
My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat,
but I am a careless tourist here.
I will never truly know everywhere that I have been.
Mom still doesn't understand.
Mom!
Can't you see,
that neither can I?"


This poem does not belong to me, full rights credited to the rightful owner, Sabrina Benaim.

"I wake up, puddle of sweat.
I have nightmares and I get back into bed.
It's like these voices just keep playing on repeat in the back of my head.
And I can't get them to leave me alone.
Thirty years old,
but still hate being alone when I'm home.
Because that's when the voices get the loudest.
Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest.
But these demons keep pressing me, I swear they're the foulest.
But I've grown comfortable with their presence,
my conscious is calloused.
My dreams are their playground, my thoughts are their palace.
I've tried to evict them, they return with more.
Anxiety isn't an item you can return at the store.
I was ten the first time I had a panic attack.
Like a punch to the stomach, there is no planning for that.
And I didn't tell anyone because I was scared about what they'd say.
And I know deep down there was nothing they could do to take it away.
It was my fight to fight and my battle to face.
I remember that house I grew up in and the demons that would rattle that place.
I'd stay awake at night, just staring at the ceiling.
I've spent my whole life trying to run from that feeling.
That feeling of being lonely, that feeling of being lost.
That feeling of being lost when the lights turn off.
That feeling of being depressed, that feeling of being anxious.
That feeling of screaming to God, begging him to take this, only to get silence in return.
I'd lay in that bed crying, and I toss and I turn.
And I turn and I toss.
The doctors gave me medication, the pastor said pray.
I tried both and this anxiety still hasn't gone away.
So forgive me if I fantasize about being gone today.
I'm an actor who just got really good at being on today.
But when I turn off I go right back into the shadows.
I'm at the deep end now, but I started in the shallows.
And I might just drown myself in these waves.
Suburban hell, these homes are all graves.
Everyone is coping with something they won't admit it, they're all too afraid.
And these kids are glued to watching me, what do I say?
I'f I'm honest with them, maybe they won't think so highly of me.
Everything they want me to be is what I'm dying to be.
But everything I really am is what I'm not trying to be.
I want them to know they're not alone in their struggles.
I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in those puddles.
And I don't think Ill ever get out of this valley I'm in.
Terrified that all along, God has tallied my sins.
And if he has, the number must be astronomical.
My life is just a joke and you keep reading, just pass the comic.
Because everything you think that I am is far from the truth.
But my vocal cords get tight when the devil pulls on this noose.
And then I'm back to keeping everything bottled up inside.
But he's not gonna keep me from pulling the throttle back this time.
He's not gonna keep me trapped like this.
I can't get out of bed, I was never made to act like this.
I'm packing up my bags and he can't stop me from running fast like this.
I 'm not gonna be a slave to these voices of anxiety.
I'm shoving the devil back for every time he lied to me.
And I'm taking a belt to the demons that whisper despair in my ear.
I'm ignoring every naysayer who stands and stares when I'm near.
I'm moving forward out of this slum. I took my bruises, I took my lumps.
I fell down but I got right back up.
So give me a torch and let's light that up.
I'm sending fire to the devil and I'm dousing these demons in gasoline.
Look at you now.
Now you're not laughing at me.
Now who's the one being tortured and punked.
Now who's the one closing every door that I want.
Now who's the one watching the other burn to the ground.
Don't look away from me, you better turn back around.
I'm not done talking to you.
I'm watching you moves.
I'm on your back and stalking you too.
And when you try to ruin some other kids life, I'll be stopping you too.
You took thirty years of my life, and I can't get that back.
You told me to end my life and I nearly got killed for that.
You took me down but I bounced right back.
I was lost but then I got found like that.
Everything you told me I wasn't, someone new told me I was
And when you tried to **** me with depression and anxiety,
He reached in and placed hope deep inside of me.
So I'm done listening to you and letting you control me.
I'm announcing it now, that the devil can't hold me.
I'm walking away from the old me, and I'm demanding a refund for every lie that you sold me.
You knew I would find a way out sooner or later, and I found my escape in the form of a savior."



This poem is not mine, all rights to Clayton Jennings. He is the original creator of this poem, but I like to share his words.

It's easier to be angry at someone
then to tell them you're hurt.

I've just told you that you don't love me... and I'm waiting on a reply.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was never enough for you, and I'm sorry that you have always deserved better, but I tried, okay? I tried to be the best for you. I tried to be the best version of me, but I still don't know who that is or what she is like, all I know is that she has to exist. Somewhere. Somehow. She has to. Because I know that there is the worst of me, so there has got to be the best of me too. I can't keep living this way. I can't keep pretending to be someone that I'm not. I cannot continue being everyone's second thought, never their first. I can't keep waking up and hating myself. It feels like I wake up with God on speed dial, but he's ignoring my calls. I send him texts like, "Hey God, I know that you're busy and all, but could you maybe help me out here? Send me a sign of what I am supposed to do because I'm lost. I'm hurting. I love you. Thank you." And then an hour goes by, and I figure he's just busy. Then the day's gone, and then the week. Now it's months later and I'm still receiving the voicemail. God, can't you see I'm in pain. The bible says that "God loves all of his children" but if that's true, why aren't you answering me? I'm sorry to be questioning you and your presence in my life, but the devil has a tight hold on me right now. He has for years now, but I always run back to you, and I'm so blessed that you open your arms for me every single time. God, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I know you have bigger plans for me, but I am not living up to them right now. God, I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry, and I understand if you're ashamed of me. I understand if you feel anger towards me, or you hate me. Because I do too. Most days I forget to count the blessings you've given me, and all I do is focus on the bad so God, PLEASE GRAB ME AND PULL ME BACK IN. I AM SO LOST WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY.

You called two night ago
but I didn't answer.

You texted me yesterday
but I didn't wanna talk to you.

You tell me that you're homeless
and try to make me feel bad
but I don't

I can't

I won't

I'm mad that I believed you
when you said you were done

You lied and I believed you

How stupid of me

Because you never change

You never have

And you never will.



Sincerely,

                                                       your daughter.

Rights are given to Clayton Jennings.

"Please don't **** yourself
I'm talking to you
And I don't pretend to know everything that you've been through
But if it's shame you're feeling just know that I've sinned too
And if it's pain you're feeling just know that that's something I went through
I don't know your story but I know you and me are a lot alike
So let me talk to you for a minute while I've got this mic
I was eighteen when I pulled a gun out
At the time it felt like my options had run out
So I put that barrel to my chest and I pulled the trigger halfway
I tried to muster up the courage to put myself away that day
But halfway into that trigger pull I stopped
Tears flooded my eyes and that pistol dropped
And I sat in my room and I cried for an hour
On the outside I was fine, on the inside a coward
The noise of my depression had gotten louder and louder
I had planned a way out in a baptism shower of gun powder
I'd been lied to just like you're being lied to now
Other people can't help you but I might know how
Because I've walked in your shoes and I've been at my lowest
And if you don't know anything, know this
You might tell me that you're gonna **** yourself and you're close to this
But God wants to meet you in the middle of your hopelessness
God wants to give you a way out of these feelings of doubt
And these sounds might be reverberating around you like heavy metal
But confusion isn't from God, it's straight from the devil
And He wants to silence the noise and bring peace to you
And I promise if you'd just ask Him He'll see you through
You got to this place because you tried fighting your won fight
And where did that get you except contemplating about taking your own life
And if you got bullied to this point, I'm sorry you went through that
But God wants to take those words from your attackers and send them back
You don't have to be defined by what people said about you
Let me pick you up if you don't know how to
You're not alone man, you got a friend in me
You've got better days ahead of you, I just pray you begin to see
Know that everything the devil did to you he wants you to replay
But everything the devil took from you God wants to replace
Listen to me right now and you better look me right in the face
You were created for more than to die in this place
Don't do it man, please don't take your life
Just take my hand, we'll make this right
I promise if you do this, you'll regret it
You'll wake up in an eternity of "Remember, I said it"
And you'll wish so bad you could just go back
I'm here for you now, please just know that
And if you think you're alone in this fight, you've been lied to
That depression came after me and I nearly died too
I thought suicide was the only way and death was meant for me
The devil played his music and I sat front row through that symphony
I walked through the fire and I felt that heat
Bu I pushed past the clutter and I stood to my feet
I walked out and I refused to look back
I took my depression and I threw it right back into that wood stack
And that fire must have blazed fifty feet high
And now I plan on leaving a legacy to look back on someday when I die
And right now I'm telling you to stand up too
Deep down inside you know it's the right thing to do
Think about your family, think about you
Don't **** yourself, please don't do it
Whatever you're facing, God will see you through it
I had a fan **** himself and his mom asked if I could come see her
She was depressed and asked if I could meet her
Two weeks later, depression beat her
She ran into a telephone pole without a seat belt on in a two-seater
And I wish right now I could crawl through these speakers
And somehow convince you not to go down the same route she did
I wish I could change the fact that you feel defeated
I wish I could lock my arms around you and tell the devil to beat it
But I can't reach everyone even though I do my best to try
Some people just believe the lie that it's just best to die
And they think it's the simple way out, but they're not here to see the way things play out
They don't see the hurt they caused, the pain they leave
I take this seriously, this isn't a game to me
Even thinking about ending your life is living dangerously
So please just listen to my voice
Right now you have a choice
You can choose life or you can get drowned by the noise
Please don't do it
Please just ask for help
If not for your family
Do it for yourself"

I would just like to state again that this is not my work, but a man whose name is Clayton Jennings. You can find him, and this original work, on YouTube. I will place the link in the description box below.

Trigger Warning

Ginger ale
Turkey, mustard, and mayonnaise sandwiches
Lopsided smiles
Blonde hair

Warning

I tore my family apart
I tell myself
I'm a dangerous girl
Because I'm better at Russian Roulette than 21 questions
I have stared down the barrel of a gun as the girl with brown hair stared back
She doesn't look anything like me
Maybe if I didn't look anything like me he won't be able to find me
I dye my hair red
It fades back to brown

Warning

"But how is it abuse if he never hit you?" they ask

Trigger
Trigger warning

WWE and PS4's

"No one will believe you"

Warning
I sleep with a baseball bat beside my bed and a gun in my closet, loaded

Warning
"No one will love you after they find out what you've done"

Warning

I do not know my own triggers
They are the way a stranger walks down the street
or the way my lover holds me

I tore my family apart
Because everything is a trigger
Because I'm waiting for it to stop sounding like a lie

Trigger

Because I talked to people about it

Trigger

He sat on his bed
Trigger
Until he didn't
Trigger

And I sat in my shower
with the water melting my skin away
because maybe if I sat there long enough his touch would go away
Trigger

I need someone to watch me today
to keep me away from knives
Trigger
and cars
Trigger
and men on the street who look
like knives
and cars

I don't like lying to people
but when they ask me what's wrong I still give them the less gruesome version where a bad man
hurt me

Warning

But sometimes I'd wish I'd told them that bad men can be your family
Trigger
That they can smile
Trigger
And laugh
Trigger
And swallow you whole
and you will convince yourself that
you
asked him to

Molesters

Trigger

can't be convicted

Trigger

unless the victim

Trigger

has enough evidence

but how do you give evidence when you're living in fear
Warning
that he
Trigger
will come after you
TRigger
AND HE WILL DO IT AGAIN
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
TRIGGER
PAUSE...


continue

How do you give evidence
when it happened over a decade ago

How do you give evidence that he
Trigger
took your innocence
Trigger
and made it into a game of cat and mouse
his image always chasing me
every day
every night

Warning

That he will **** me
Trigger
He will **** me
HE WILL **** ME

PUT IT ON MY HEADSTONE SO THAT THEY CAN NEVER SAY THAT I DIDN'T SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH

GIVE THE PEOPLE OF THE JURY ZIPLOC BAGGIES AND TISSUES
Loaded questions
warning
filling every vein in my body with hate as ammunition
Trigger warning
****
Trigger
Tells me he knows ******* my family
Trigger
and take us all with him
Trigger
FIRE
TRIGGER
FIRE
TRIGGER
FIRE

Trigger

No warning shots

I have seen guns go off in front of my eyes
but I still cannot shake the habit of looking down gun barrels
of believing that I am gentle enough
to touch
the Trigger
without pulling

I want to grab the bottle
with the clear liquid inside
and drown my sorrows
leave them no place to hide

My body
my brain
it no longer belongs to me
and I come to realize this
when I see my body as it bleeds

It starts as a drip
then a trickle
then a pour
so I watch the blood seep from my body
and I whisper for it, "More"

Why did you have to leave
why did you have to go
why did you pick her instead of me
to give your love
body
and soul

Why her
why not me
what about all of our plans we had
all of our dreams

We were supposed to get old together
and have our kids
the dogs were there too
they would've been their bestfriends

We would have had our house
on our piece of land we'd bought
and our kids would have learned
to love
and to laugh
from all that we'd taught

But ****
I guess it's all gone now
'cause you chose her instead of me
and yeah I'll smile
and I'll laugh
'cause I don't want you to see me bleed

I will remember you always
and I will love you through the struggle
and the pain
and I'll cry for you during thunderstorms
so my tears mix with the rain

I was quiet
but I was not blind.
And although I couldn't see inside their mind,
I knew there was a riot,
there was chaos
and destruction
I could not funtion
I was at a loss.

Don't fashion me into a damsel in distress
that needs saving from a 'prince charming'
because I am not that girl.

I am the girl that carries her own **** self.
I don't need a man to save me from the dragon,
I am the dragon,

and I will eat you whole.

It hurts  It hurts  It hurts
Slowly and surely
It hurts

I want to cry
Because this pain is all too much
This pain is heavy on my shoulders
This pain is everlasting
This pain

I am alone
Even in a room full of people
I am alone
Not because I sit alone in the corner by myself
Not because no one will come talk to me
No

I am alone
Because no one is really there
There are just bodies floating around
Talking
And laughing
And faking

And I am alone

Love a girl who reads
and love a girl who writes.
Love a girl who lives in books,
their words are her disguise.

Kiss her black-inked fingers,
forgive her for the pages they marked.
Memorize her words written with a burning passion,
the fire in her heart.

Remember the way she grasped her pen
and the way she played with her hair.
Keep those memories in your soul,
take them with you everywhere.

I'm lacking sensitivity,
there is no pain.
All of my emotions
have been drained.

Happiness lost.
Anger? No more.
But my heart is broken,
sprawled out on the floor.

You came so quickly
and left too soon.
Poor little angel,
you didn't have time to bloom.

But "Thy will be done",
yes that's true,
but it hurts that I
never got to know you.

AJ or Natalia
I'll remember you for years,
and I will cry for you
with silent tears.

Attracted to your body,
in love with your mind,
touched by your soul,
but forbid by time.

So lonely, so stressed
and yes I'm depressed.
I'm just a teenage girl
corrupted by the world.

You don't love me as I love you,
that's just the truth
because my heart cries for you, so loud,
but.. I'm just another face in the crowd.

One day years ago, heaven called
a special earth angel to the sky.
It's been 16 years
and I still wonder why.

Big brother,
we never got the chance to meet
but without a doubt
I still love you.

You'll always be
my motivation
and I'll never put
anyone above you.

Just the thought of you watching
me from above makes me smile.
I haven't smiled this hard
in a while.

It's hard to smile knowing you
aren't here to celebrate too,
but the only reason I'm smiling
is because of you.

I love you.

The first thing I notice is her face
there is nothing but mists of grey.
She wears a dress all broken and worn,
and near her middle region is a word.
Mourn.

It changes to anger, and then to pain.
She looks up and notices me,
it's starts pouring down in rain.

"Why didn't you speak,
or scream for help?
Why'd you let him do this?"
I hope he goes to hell.

"He did it to you,
and now to me.
You know there's probably more
just waiting to speak
because you didn't care",
No.
"And you didn't try",
I did.
"You stayed quiet while he
ruined our lives."
STOP!

I'm sorry I stayed quiet!
I'm sorry I didn't try!
I'm sorry I only thought about myself
while he ruined our lives!

I'm sorry I'm not perfect!
I'm sorry I never checked
to see if there were anymore like me!
I don't deserve your respect!

I hate myself for it,
that I never acted out.
I wish, that night, I would've said something.
I should've screamed, I should've shout.

But I didn't, and I'm sorry
because maybe if I did
he never would've gotten ahold of you
and you'd still be an unheartbroken kid.

Maybe God's granted me mercy
by never seeing your face
because he knows if I did
I woudl've commited a redrum suicide
in that place.

Have you ever loved a flower
and the scent of her perfume
and you fell in love with her petals
as you watched her slowly bloom.

Have you ever watched her dance
as she sways in the wind
and the dew from the morning
lay on her stem.

Have you ever missed her
on those long nights alone
so you call to her at dawn
and tell her to come home.

Have you ever loved a flower
even as she aged
and you watch her beauty die
as she withers away.