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Aug 20 · 41
Untitled #36
She was the kind of girl the that poets would spend centuries writing about.

He was the kind of boy that people have been singing songs about for generations.

And the combination of the two created nothing less than a masterpiece.
Aug 20 · 35
Untitled #35
Their words were engraved in my brain like a tattoo.

Permanent and, on occasions, regretful.
Aug 20 · 39
Untitled #34
The people in her life have perfected this song and dance.
They paint pictures of the lives they want,
perfect with no imperfections or blemishes,
and put it on display for all to see.

But not she.

No.

She didn't pretend to be happy.
She didn't pretend that she wasn't in pain.
She just hurt out loud and hoped somebody was listening.
Aug 20 · 369
Implode
A relationship with me is much like stepping on a grenade.


Thrilling, terrifying. and bound to implode.


So, if I find another great love,
I will not ask them to grow old with me.


I will ask them to

implode

with me.
-
Our love story is much like a fairy tale.

You became the wind in the sea
that made our ship sail.
You brought light to me
when all darkness fell.
And it's still you who makes my heart swell.

Everything about us has always been cliche.

From the way we initially met
to our very first date.
All the love notes I kept
that are still stored away.
I'll always think of you and that day in the hallway.

I fell for you fast.

It was easy since you were a flirt,
but it still took you by surprise
when not much time had passed
and I told you..

"I love you, so much that it hurts."



But our story never foretold of the years to come.

We had no idea that we would be here today.
Our love so dead, long since numb.
I still pour water on our grave
and pray to God that it might sprout, some.
But, of growth, there has been none.

So, I sit here in your shirt

and I continue to type on.
Converting my thoughts into words,
telling of our love gone.
And as I whisper into the darkness, my eyes blurred.

"I said it hurts."
Aug 19 · 26
Untitled #33
For whoever reads this,

The first person I ever loved was not myself, but him, and maybe that was my biggest mistake.

I learned to love the dimple on his cheek, and the lines under his eyes when he smiled.
I learned to love the way his eyes turned angry when we yelled at each other, to love the way his hands tightened around my arms.
I loved the way his lips lingered on my skin after begging me to peel off my layers of my clothes.
I dug up every little piece of who he was, and planted it inside my heart.
I kept love for him everywhere I went, and even when he left me, my heart was still full.
I had put so much effort into loving him, that I forgot to love myself.
I saw no beauty unless the beauty I saw was his eyes, I saw no greater happiness, than when I saw his smile.

So, whenever I looked in the mirror, I felt numb, I felt hate.

I could not love the way my hair got wavy when it was damp, even though I always twirled pieces of his hair in my fingers.
I could not feel sweet melancholy when tears ran down my face, but I could when I wiped away his.
I could not get undressed and look at my skin, because it was only worth looking at when he looked.

I could not love myself, because I thought it was supposed to be fulfilled by someone else.

I had become nothing but a daisy, waiting for my petals to be picked, he loves me, he loves me not.

I only ever felt love, when it was given to me by someone else.
I could not feel love if it was given to me by myself.

I could only love me when he loved me, but now he doesn't.

He loves her.
Apr 12 · 58
Perfect by Maia Mayor
"Is there something wrong with you?
A loose ***** or two that ruined your ability to function?
Why are you always so tired?
Your life is uninspired and small;
all you do is sprawl on the couch with outstretched limbs like a sloth in slow-motion.
Where is your devotion to succeed, Maia?
Did it drift out your window with the smoke from your ****?
Do I have to force feed you discipline ‘til you finally concede?
I cook and I clean and I don't stop ‘til the soles of my feet bleed.
But I'm fine.
I'm perfect.
Be perfect, Maia.
Be perfect like me.

Stop wearing those god awful ripped pants
and that lipstick like a ***** with double-d implants.
You only get one chance.
Stop acting like a cat with nine lives left.
Stop committing yourself to songs and stories and spoken slam ******* in a world where degrees and PhD's impede the need for poetry.
And stop chewing on your nails.
No wonder you've never attracted any males.
Why do you do that?
Do you like the taste?
Are they sweet?
You can't eat sweets, Maia.
You're ruining your teeth like you're ruining your life.
My teeth are perfect.
Clean and pristine.
They gleam like the golden halo above my perfectly conditioned head.
I don't need sugar, Maia.
I am above sugar.

Why are you down here, Maia?
Why are you down here when you need to be up here?
Up here with the ones who have a promising career
Who listen when information goes in one ear
and doesn't come out the other.
You'll never be up here, Maia.
You act as if the act of listening is a crime
or you would have heard me the six hundred and sixty-sixth time
I told you to STOP CHEWING ON YOUR NAILS.
Stop chewing on your nails like a ******* piece of trash.
You can't be trash, Maia.
You have to be perfect.
Be perfect like me.

I get up at 5 in the morning, every day.
I start my day the same way, worried that I'll collapse
as my bones start to decay from cleaning up your scraps.
Why is your room such a mess?
The clothes go in the hamper, Maia.
Not displayed on your bed like your lack of morals.
Not littered on the floor collecting more dust than my withered expectations.
You disregard my rules with stubborn contempt
in a substandard attempt at teenage rebellion.
But you can't be a rebel, Maia.
You're not interesting enough.
You need to obey, and say 'yes' and 'okay'
You need to do it with a smile on your less than average face.
You need to try harder, Maia.
Make it wider, Maia.
Why don't you know how to smile?

You disappoint me, Maia.
You never appreciate what I do for you.
You never try to be a winner.
And you never eat your dinner.
You never eat the dinner I consistently provide for you
as I constantly remind you of the life I set aside for you.
That meal doesn't pay for itself.
I don't care if it's ideal, stop telling me how you feel.
You need to eat it.
Eat it all.
Eat it at a reasonable time with a glass of milk.
You need milk, Maia.
You need calcium like you need a catalyst for growth.
You'll never grow to be tall.
Be tall like me.
I drink my milk, Maia.
Drink your ******* milk.
Be tall.
Be perfect.
Be perfect like me.

You need to pay more attention, Maia.
Stop daydreaming, Maia.
Stop staring at the ceiling as if your one redeeming quality lies hidden in the plaster.
You need to organize your life.
Your life is a disaster.
Just like your room.
Just like your teeth.
Just like your future,
Which will soon come to an end if you don't put down that pen.
You need to stop writing, Maia.
Your life is not a book.
Don't give me that look, Maia.
I'm just trying to help you.
I'm just trying to love you.
I'm just trying to love you.
You have to let me love you
so that you can be perfect.
Be perfect like me."
I just want to put out a disclaimer that this is NOT my poem, and I give all rights to the true author and narrator, Maia Mayor.
Jan 7 · 126
Paradox
I should warn you about me...
I am a oddity of sorts.
I am deathly quiet,
except upon occasions that I am loud.
I am dumb,
unless I choose to be witty,
and I am the most single romantic.
I wrap my anger in peace,
and store it alongside envy and hope.
I hate myself,
but no one can ever love me more.
I am hideously beautiful,
and I hate to love,
but love to hate.
I am a conflicted contradiction,
and we will fall in love
until I realize that I am afraid of heights,
and so I will walk away as I crawl back to you.
Forgive me, my love, for being this way.
Just as I accept things for the way they are,
I can't seem to stay the same.
So I change.

I am a paradox.
Nov 2018 · 55
Untitled #32
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
I waited

I tried

Love faded

It died
Nov 2018 · 74
Sometimes
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
Sometimes I want there to be so much noise
I can't hear my own thoughts.
I want it to be so loud
it finally covers the sounds of my own screams.

Sometimes I want the noise to disappear
into a void of nothingness.
I want to drown the silence slowly
and let it consume me
until nothing remains.

Sometimes I want to hear nothing
and everything
at once.
I want it to overwhelm me,
to take over everything and have full control.
Let me hear my own thoughts
just enough to know they're there,
but not enough to understand them.

Sometimes I want things that can never happen.

Sometimes.
Nov 2018 · 35
Untitled #31
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
I might never forgive the Universe for hurting you so badly.
For putting you through that pain.
But I promise you didn't go through all that for nothing.
You won't die in vain.

You have survived your life everyday up to this point,
recognize it as a blessing.
God is using you in ways we may never understand,
you may very well be someone's life lesson.

Love who you want and be who you choose.
Do everything you'd ever wanted to.
Don't hold back from fear, no,
use is as determination and push through.

I know that my time with you is limited,
your end is drawing near.
But I try not to think about it,
because then all the emotions come out.
Love, sadness, anger, fear.

I love you Nana,
until your very last breath.
Please keep looking after us
even after death.

I'll look to the sky when I talk to you,
and think of you when I see butterfly's.
Because just like them, you'll have a pair of wings.
But like the angels, you'll fly.

I promise to always hold you close to me,
to keep you near.
I love you Nana,
I'll remember you for all my years.
Nov 2018 · 42
Morgan Harper Nicholas
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
"In overwhelming anxiety
she found overwhelming grace."

I read these words in hope that maybe,
just maybe,
I can find peace
within the chaos
Nov 2018 · 158
Insomniac
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
Maybe people aren't 'sick' because they can't sleep
maybe they're just sad
because in order to sleep, you must have some type of peace
and we no longer have that anymore
If I offended you in any way, I am so terribly sorry and I can take it down. Sleep well beautiful people.
Nov 2018 · 36
Untitled #30
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
What a ******* tragedy to be broken by you, once again

What a ******* blessing to have been loved by you
Nov 2018 · 31
Untitled #29
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
My veins fill,
not with blood,
but with greed
and desire
to love
and be loved
in return
Nov 2018 · 45
Dear mother,
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
at first, I just wanted you to care

but then I got greedy

and I wanted you to love me
Nov 2018 · 21
Again and again
Marissa Calderon Nov 2018
I give myself to you
again and again

You break me
again and again

I love you
again and again

I miss you
again and again

I cherish you
again and again

I protect you
again and again

You say you love me
again and again

And I am made whole
again and again
Oct 2018 · 32
Untitled #28
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
He is my greatest sin
and I will gladly be ****** for him.
Oct 2018 · 198
Untitled #27
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I'm sitting at this computer again,
thinking about you... again.
Reminiscing on our past
and everything we would've
could've
should've been,
but are not.
I miss you.

Do you miss me?
Oct 2018 · 24
Untitled #26
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
and that was how you left

the lights were still on and the
bed left unmade while the tv
played reruns of some old show
in the background your clothes
scattered the ground like leaves
in autumn and now I realize that's
how you wanted to leave like you
never left

but you did

and you haven't been back since
Oct 2018 · 59
Untitled #25
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
Even though he's gone, he's not.
He's everything.
He is the city lights talking in morse code,
flickering on and off at different intervals.
He is the song playing on the radio that you love
so much, but it will always hurt to hear.
He is the tap-tap-tapping of your pen when you're bored in
class and your pen knocks on the table like a palpitating heartbeat.
He is the slight breeze when you're stuck in a summer haze,
and the chilly bite of cold raindrops on your face.
He will never be gone, in any sense of the word.
But he is gone, now.
Oct 2018 · 35
Untitled #24
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I'm struggling to love you
and let you go
at the same time.
Oct 2018 · 21
Untitled #23
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
He was her deranged fantasy-
and she was his beautiful sin
Oct 2018 · 41
Untitled #22
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
He can make hell feel like home.
Oct 2018 · 37
Untitled #21
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
Stop pretending life doesn't absolutely terrify you.
Oct 2018 · 33
Untitled #20
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
And perhaps
the reason we cherish photos so much
is because they never change
even when the people in them do,
and that is truly beautiful
Oct 2018 · 26
Untitled #19
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
Here I am  

The heartbroken girl
who craved to love
and be loved
in return
Oct 2018 · 27
Heaven and Hell
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
Heaven is real.
- I've seen it with you.

Hell is real.
- I'm living in it.
Oct 2018 · 31
Untitled #18
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I'm drowning
under the waves
of all the things
I'm dying to say
to you
Oct 2018 · 25
Untitled #17
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I hate you for making me
love you
and then leaving
Oct 2018 · 28
Untitled #16
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I just want to be happy.
Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I guess it is for me
because my heart still remains
shattered on the floor.

Well, at least what is left of this heart
that was never never whole in the beginning.
Because I gave it away to people who never deserved it,
and lost yet again in a game
that I never end up winning.
Oct 2018 · 426
Oxygen
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
so what happens
when the person who was your oxygen
cuts off your air supply.


well
you wait
and gasp for air where there is none
and then you die.
Oct 2018 · 29
The Garden
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
All the flowers you planted in me.

Roses, daisies, sunflowers.

They were all so beautiful.

But they lacked something.

They must have?

Why else would you have left me?

A pointless arrangement of flowers.

And then I seen her.

And I realized it.

Because although you thought flowers were beautiful,

She had an entire garden for you to wonder.

Why couldn't I be your garden?

Instead, I am a useless array of flowers.

And now they have decayed.

Because I no longer have your love.
Oct 2018 · 40
19th
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
Today is the 19th.
This number will always hold a special place in my heart.
It's the day we got together.

I'm in a room by myself crying.
Because you took your love away.
But I still love you.
Always have. Always will.

You asked me today.. what was wrong.
I tried to hide it away, afraid to say how I really feel.
But when I told you the truth..
You brushed me aside.

So I guess this is it now.
I lost you.
I lost one of the most important people in my life.
One of the only people that has ever actually mattered.


I'm crying.
I'm sorry.
I love you!
But you don't love me..

not anymore.
Oct 2018 · 63
Untitled #15
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I whisper the words like a plea
a silent prayer

"I love you"

"I miss you"

"Please come back"
Oct 2018 · 40
Untitled #14
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I can't quite comprehend how I am supposed to move on with the loss of you. You are in everything I see, everything I do.

No matter where I'm at, or what I am doing...
I'm always drawn back to you.

It's you.

Always.

You.
Oct 2018 · 30
Untitled #13
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
so I wiped my eyes,
held my head up,
and pointed both middle fingers in the air.

"**** this *******"

I announced with pride.
Oct 2018 · 31
Untitled #12
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
We were two disastrous teenagers.
But together,

we were a beautiful tragedy.
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
"Mom, my depression is a shape-shifter.
One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear.
The next, it's the bear.
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
I call the bad days the "dark days".
Mom says, "Try lighting candles."
But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church.
The flicker of a flame.
Sparks of a memory younger than noon.
I am standing beside her open casket.
It it the moment that I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die.
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark.
Perhaps that's part of the problem.
Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed?"
I can't.
Anxiety hold me a hostage inside of my head.
Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?"
Anxiety is the cousin depression felt obligated to being to the party.
Mom, I am the party.
Only I am a party I don't want to be at.
Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties? See your friends."
Sure, I make plans but I don't wanna go.
I make plans because I know I should want to go;
I know sometimes I would have wanted to go,
It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom.
You see mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light.
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.
Mom says, "Try counting sheep."
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake at night.
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists.
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in.
Mom says, "Happy is a decision."
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg.
My happy is a high fever that will break.
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat our asks me if I am afraid of dying.
No, I am afraid of living!
Mom, I am lonely!
I think I learned that when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy.
So when I say I've been super busy,
I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportsCenter on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed.
But depression always drags me back to my bed until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city.
My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat.
But I am a careless tourist here.
I will never truly know everywhere that I have been.
Mom still doesn't understand.
Mom.
Can't you see,
that neither can I."


This poem does not belong to me, full rights credited to the rightful owner, Sabrina Benaim.
All rights go to Sabrina Benaim, the original author of this poem.
Oct 2018 · 30
Dear anxiety,
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
"I wake up, puddle of sweat.
I have nightmares and I get back into bed.
It's like these voices just keep playing on repeat in the back of my head.
And I can't get them to leave me alone.
Thirty years old,
but still hate being alone when I'm home.
Because that's when the voices get the loudest.
Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest.
But these demons keep pressing me, I swear they're the foulest.
But I've grown comfortable with their presence,
my conscious is calloused.
My dreams are their playground, my thoughts are their palace.
I've tried to evict them, they return with more.
Anxiety isn't an item you can return at the store.
I was ten the first time I had a panic attack.
Like a punch to the stomach, there is no planning for that.
And I didn't tell anyone because I was scared about what they'd say.
And I know deep down there was nothing they could do to take it away.
It was my fight to fight and my battle to face.
I remember that house I grew up in and the demons that would rattle that place.
I'd stay awake at night, just staring at the ceiling.
I've spent my whole life trying to run from that feeling.
That feeling of being lonely, that feeling of being lost.
That feeling of being lost when the lights turn off.
That feeling of being depressed, that feeling of being anxious.
That feeling of screaming to God, begging him to take this, only to get silence in return.
I'd lay in that bed crying, and I toss and I turn.
And I turn and I toss.
The doctors gave me medication, the pastor said pray.
I tried both and this anxiety still hasn't gone away.
So forgive me if I fantasize about being gone today.
I'm an actor who just got really good at being on today.
But when I turn off I go right back into the shadows.
I'm at the deep end now, but I started in the shallows.
And I might just drown myself in these waves.
Suburban hell, these homes are all graves.
Everyone is coping with something they won't admit it, they're all too afraid.
And these kids are glued to watching me, what do I say?
I'f I'm honest with them, maybe they won't think so highly of me.
Everything they want me to be is what I'm dying to be.
But everything I really am is what I'm not trying to be.
I want them to know they're not alone in their struggles.
I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in those puddles.
And I don't think Ill ever get out of this valley I'm in.
Terrified that all along, God has tallied my sins.
And if he has, the number must be astronomical.
My life is just a joke and you keep reading, just pass the comic.
Because everything you think that I am is far from the truth.
But my vocal cords get tight when the devil pulls on this noose.
And then I'm back to keeping everything bottled up inside.
But he's not gonna keep me from pulling the throttle back this time.
He's not gonna keep me trapped like this.
I can't get out of bed, I was never made to act like this.
I'm packing up my bags and he can't stop me from running fast like this.
I 'm not gonna be a slave to these voices of anxiety.
I'm shoving the devil back for every time he lied to me.
And I'm taking a belt to the demons that whisper despair in my ear.
I'm ignoring every naysayer who stands and stares when I'm near.
I'm moving forward out of this slum. I took my bruises, I took my lumps.
I fell down but I got right back up.
So give me a torch and let's light that up.
I'm sending fire to the devil and I'm dousing these demons in gasoline.
Look at you now.
Now you're not laughing at me.
Now who's the one being tortured and punked.
Now who's the one closing every door that I want.
Now who's the one watching the other burn to the ground.
Don't look away from me, you better turn back around.
I'm not done talking to you.
I'm watching you moves.
I'm on your back and stalking you too.
And when you try to ruin some other kids life, I'll be stopping you too.
You took thirty years of my life, and I can't get that back.
You told me to end my life and I nearly got killed for that.
You took me down but I bounced right back.
I was lost but then I got found like that.
Everything you told me I wasn't, someone new told me I was
And when you tried to **** me with depression and anxiety,
He reached in and placed hope deep inside of me.
So I'm done listening to you and letting you control me.
I'm announcing it now, that the devil can't hold me.
I'm walking away from the old me, and I'm demanding a refund for every lie that you sold me.
You knew I would find a way out sooner or later, and I found my escape in the form of a savior."



This poem is not mine, all rights to Clayton Jennings. He is the original creator of this poem, but I like to share his words.
I would like to state again that this poem does not belong to me, all rights go to the correct and original writer of this passage, Clayton Jennings.
Oct 2018 · 49
Robbed
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
You robbed the very breath from my lungs,
but it wasn't enough.

You needed my heart too.

But it's okay,
I'll surrender it to you.
Over and over again,
it will be yours.
It's always been yours.

Always.

I.. I love you.
Oct 2018 · 38
Love songs
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
And now

every love song reminds me of you.
Oct 2018 · 31
Untitled #11
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
It's easier to be angry at someone
then to tell them you're hurt.
Oct 2018 · 50
Untitled #10
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I wake up each morning
always remembering that
I am walking on
an ocean of happiness
that I cannot baptize myself in.
Oct 2018 · 359
Actress
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I'm just an actress who
got really good at

being on today
Oct 2018 · 29
Untitled #9
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I've just told you that you don't love me... and I'm waiting on a reply.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was never enough for you, and I'm sorry that you have always deserved better, but I tried, okay? I tried to be the best for you. I tried to be the best version of me, but I still don't know who that is or what she is like, all I know is that she has to exist. Somewhere. Somehow. She has to. Because I know that there is the worst of me, so there has got to be the best of me too. I can't keep living this way. I can't keep pretending to be someone that I'm not. I cannot continue being everyone's second thought, never their first. I can't keep waking up and hating myself. It feels like I wake up with God on speed dial, but he's ignoring my calls. I send him texts like, "Hey God, I know that you're busy and all, but could you maybe help me out here? Send me a sign of what I am supposed to do because I'm lost. I'm hurting. I love you. Thank you." And then an hour goes by, and I figure he's just busy. Then the day's gone, and then the week. Now it's months later and I'm still receiving the voicemail. God, can't you see I'm in pain. The bible says that "God loves all of his children" but if that's true, why aren't you answering me? I'm sorry to be questioning you and your presence in my life, but the devil has a tight hold on me right now. He has for years now, but I always run back to you, and I'm so blessed that you open your arms for me every single time. God, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I know you have bigger plans for me, but I am not living up to them right now. God, I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry, and I understand if you're ashamed of me. I understand if you feel anger towards me, or you hate me. Because I do too. Most days I forget to count the blessings you've given me, and all I do is focus on the bad so God, PLEASE GRAB ME AND PULL ME BACK IN. I AM SO LOST WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY.
Oct 2018 · 30
Untitled #7
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
"Break my heart.
Break it a thousand times if you like.
It was only ever yours to break anyway."

It's true, you know.
My heart has only ever belonged to you.
Even in all of its messy,
torn up,
worn down glory.
It has only ever been yours.
I have only ever been yours.
So please forgive me for not being able to let you go so easily.
I have not had to imagine a life without you for 3 years.
Instead, I have only ever dreamt of a life that involved you.
I never thought I'd ever live a life without you.
I have tears in my eyes right now as I type,
because I miss you.
And I know you're not dead,
you're still here,
but you're not.
I just can't sit here and hold everything in.
That's what gets me so deep into that darkness.
and I don't wanna be back there.
I don't wanna go back to that demon in my head.
the one that looks exactly like me
but worse
she's not alive, she's long gone and dead
I can't go back to that please!
Please don't bring her back!
I've spent years trying to escape her
and the second I reach the sunlight
I'm dragged back in to this world
this dark
empty
hateful
wretched place
and I don't wanna be here anymore
I don't wanna be sad
I don't wanna **** myself
I don't wanna cut
I DON'T WANT TO HURT
PLEASE
DON'T MAKE ME
I'M SO SORRY
PLEASE
Please
don't send me back
I love you
please don't let me go
please
please

please
Oct 2018 · 32
Untitled #8
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
my heart is heavy
my mind is heavy
my body is heavy
my footsteps are heavy
the weight of this world is heavy

i'm sorry
this guilt is heavy
this anger is heavy
this hatred is heavy

i'm hurting
this pain is heavy
this self-loathing is heavy
this anxiety is heavy

please stop being so heavy
Oct 2018 · 48
Heartbreak
Marissa Calderon Oct 2018
I sit here and sigh
my heart aches in my chest
my stomach is churning with anxiety
because I am scared
you're gonna leave me for her
or maybe you already have
in your head
in your heart
you want her but you're stuck with me
I'm so so sorry that I could never be everything you wanted
i'm sorry i never lived up to those expectations you have
i'm sorry i'm not good enough
i'm mad that she is
i'm mad that shes prettier than me
and smarter than me
and funnier
and skinnier
and i'm ****** that you want her and not me

i'm sorry that this hunk of flesh is not good enough for you
i'm sorry that i could never give you a heart that was never broken to begin with
but i do try
i do still try to love you as though i'd never even known what heartbreak was
hell
i have loved you so much that i sometimes forget what it's like to hate myself
but i do
i do know heartbreak
and i do hate myself

i'm sorry

i love you

i love you

i love you
Sep 2018 · 80
Untitled #6
Marissa Calderon Sep 2018
You called two night ago
but I didn't answer.

You texted me yesterday
but I didn't wanna talk to you.

You tell me that you're homeless
and try to make me feel bad
but I don't

I can't

I won't

I'm mad that I believed you
when you said you were done

You lied and I believed you

How stupid of me

Because you never change

You never have

And you never will.



Sincerely,

                                                       your daughter.
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