You know, I always do this to myself.
One minute I'm fine and happy
and everything in the world is okay
and then
I'm just
not.
Because I overthink too much
and I'm too sensitive
and the voices are back.
I need my medicine to help
but I hated taking them because they made me
anxious
sleepy
different

numb

and they made me have illusions
like the time I swore my brother came home from prison
and my nephews could see him
but when I ran to find them
and the car passed in front of me

there was nothing there

no one

and I felt empty,
that is besides the lump in my throat
and the fingernails digging into my palms
and the cuts stinging on my thighs
wait
...
what?
...

wait, restart
I started this sad
and I'm ending this sad

because maybe
just maybe


I like the pain.