Oct 2018
I've just told you that you don't love me... and I'm waiting on a reply.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was never enough for you, and I'm sorry that you have always deserved better, but I tried, okay? I tried to be the best for you. I tried to be the best version of me, but I still don't know who that is or what she is like, all I know is that she has to exist. Somewhere. Somehow. She has to. Because I know that there is the worst of me, so there has got to be the best of me too. I can't keep living this way. I can't keep pretending to be someone that I'm not. I cannot continue being everyone's second thought, never their first. I can't keep waking up and hating myself. It feels like I wake up with God on speed dial, but he's ignoring my calls. I send him texts like, "Hey God, I know that you're busy and all, but could you maybe help me out here? Send me a sign of what I am supposed to do because I'm lost. I'm hurting. I love you. Thank you." And then an hour goes by, and I figure he's just busy. Then the day's gone, and then the week. Now it's months later and I'm still receiving the voicemail. God, can't you see I'm in pain. The bible says that "God loves all of his children" but if that's true, why aren't you answering me? I'm sorry to be questioning you and your presence in my life, but the devil has a tight hold on me right now. He has for years now, but I always run back to you, and I'm so blessed that you open your arms for me every single time. God, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I know you have bigger plans for me, but I am not living up to them right now. God, I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry, and I understand if you're ashamed of me. I understand if you feel anger towards me, or you hate me. Because I do too. Most days I forget to count the blessings you've given me, and all I do is focus on the bad so God, PLEASE GRAB ME AND PULL ME BACK IN. I AM SO LOST WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was never enough for you, and I'm sorry that you have always deserved better, but I tried, okay? I tried to be the best for you. I tried to be the best version of me, but I still don't know who that is or what she is like, all I know is that she has to exist. Somewhere. Somehow. She has to. Because I know that there is the worst of me, so there has got to be the best of me too. I can't keep living this way. I can't keep pretending to be someone that I'm not. I cannot continue being everyone's second thought, never their first. I can't keep waking up and hating myself. It feels like I wake up with God on speed dial, but he's ignoring my calls. I send him texts like, "Hey God, I know that you're busy and all, but could you maybe help me out here? Send me a sign of what I am supposed to do because I'm lost. I'm hurting. I love you. Thank you." And then an hour goes by, and I figure he's just busy. Then the day's gone, and then the week. Now it's months later and I'm still receiving the voicemail. God, can't you see I'm in pain. The bible says that "God loves all of his children" but if that's true, why aren't you answering me? I'm sorry to be questioning you and your presence in my life, but the devil has a tight hold on me right now. He has for years now, but I always run back to you, and I'm so blessed that you open your arms for me every single time. God, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I know you have bigger plans for me, but I am not living up to them right now. God, I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry, and I understand if you're ashamed of me. I understand if you feel anger towards me, or you hate me. Because I do too. Most days I forget to count the blessings you've given me, and all I do is focus on the bad so God, PLEASE GRAB ME AND PULL ME BACK IN. I AM SO LOST WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY.
