i heard you were abducted by aliens
that they took you up and dissected you
in your sleep

i wonder what secrets they found in the cavities of your body that
i never could?
i wonder if they found the place where you hold your happiness,
because i never could.

i heard you were abducted by aliens, late one night
that they took you up and dissected you
in my dreams

Laughter
Who’s laughing? Who would laugh at the irony that I used to wake up in the middle of the night
terrified
having dreamt of losing you
of being left
by you

Survivor’s guilt burns more than you thought
it’s a tribute to their skill that they made you feel like the villain
even as you kept puking up daisies

it’s dark
three people sit on a couch, watching the movie
displayed on the tv.
once again, no dvd player is necessary, or even
available.
to your credit, you saw much more this year, though you said
much less;
you’re all over inconsistent in your
accidental traditions.
laughter bubbling up inside of you, to spill out in anxious words and phrases and breaths too fast too shallow and

three people sit on a couch.
you’ve whispered under your breath the words you said loudly last year
the shame curled inside you
wound up
a music box you wish you could rip out because you hated it then and you hate it now only
you couldn’t say anything and that hasn’t changed and

three people sit on a couch.
are they even paying attention?
are you?
why is it only in the dark you know what day it is and why you’ve been crying all day and

it’s dark
two people lay on a couch, and the feeling rushes in
reminders
of something  that happened too fast, too public, too
out of your control
impossible to refuse --
-- after all, you wanted it, right?

no
you knew that was wrong
so why did they tell you they didn’t want it
after pushing you down and forcing their hands into places they shouldn’t have been
why did they tell you they didn’t want it
and then go right back to doing it all
again

you're crying over your keyboard.
is it because you know you're dying that you're crying
or that
you're leaving people behind that won't even notice you're gone?

but you're wrong, you know. he'll notice.
he always does.

hello again
it doesn't matter how many wigs you put on; you're still the same
underneath.

Saturday was Halloween, and a year ago to the day you were
pressed into a couch with hands places you didn't want them

You're a wreck of lines and characters and you wanted to throw up, and
you lied
and said you were done

We keep coming back to this subject.
Do you really think anyone would believe you?
It isn't ****** abuse if you don't stop it
if you can't force the sound out of your mouth
if you keep pushing it down because this is supposed to be right
right ?
this is what people always talk about

isn't it?

how long can i last
at this rate
my seams will burst before too long
one week
two weeks
who knows?

the only thing honesty ever did was upset people
curl up into the fetal position and pretend you weren't thinking of their lips
didn't want to lean into them
and wrap your arms around their neck
and kiss them
of course you didn't

star eyes
heart eyes
sitting on someone's lap, legs shaking
it's dark

don't cry

i hate him.

i have never spoken to him, but i hate him.

who is he to show up out of nowhere, when i’ve been here longer?

i don’t know what to feel.

jealousy? irritation?

he admires me

what a joke i am.