i mean
after we make love
i'll probably stare at the bedsheets we lay on
and think
together
we created such a beautiful mess
like a watercolor painting
shades of reds and blues
purples and greens
splattered onto a blank canvas

to anyone else
this might look like a disaster
an accident
maybe it could be labeled as "art"
whatever art even means

but to me
i see the most extraordinary thing that's ever been created
with a purpose
this love that we make
our love
it has a purpose
it was no accident

I put this cigarette between my lips
You tell me I'm safe
I light it
I don't feel safe
My teeth are pressed against the filter
You say you're right here
The smoke burns my tongue
"I'm right here with you"
I don't feel safe but maybe I am
"I'm right here with you"
It burns my throat, my lungs
"I'm right here with you"
Those words
His words, his voice
Repeating in my head
I don't feel safe but maybe I am
I'm crying and I don't know why
I don't feel safe but maybe I am
What are you doing aaron
put it out
out it out
put it out
You don't need this
You're safe
He says you're safe
He says he's right here with you
You're safe

I put my cigarette out
This wasn't my comfort
He's my comfort
He's what keeps me safe
Sane
Not cancer
Not this smoke

**I'm safe

this is my body
it's made up entirely of awkward limbs and bumpy skin
wrapped around a jagged little frame
and a small mountain of bones
arranged haphazardly around creaky wooden joints

i knew i didn't want to be a “real boy”
but i didn't want to be a "real girl" either
what does that even mean
i want to be a grilled cheese sandwich
or a palm tree
something like that *

now my throat is a chimney
and i swear my lungs are the fire
it seems i don’t care who’s between my legs
as long as they spread me like bible pages
(that’s to say, i don’t believe in any god)
(and i won't let anyone who reads the bible anywhere near me)

as a child id always be afraid of the monsters in my closet
i think monster in the closet
is synonymous with my coming out of it
skeletons and all
clinging to me
like dream catchers
full of expectation that got caught in their own stupid nets

that’s why i take
"proceed with caution"
signs so seriously
and i do
the ones in my head that i see at night
when i am alone
far from home
and terrified that *my gay is showing
while clinging to chest in "mens" restrooms hoping that no one thinks im a girl
hoping that no ones paying enough attention because ive gotten the **** beat out of me way
too many times over this
i do
when it comes to loving him
so unconditionally
that my heart feels like
the only muscle in my body
with any fight left

*this is my body
it’s bent and severely broken
with anxieties
but it is mine
worriedboy's

( im sitting here watching this medicine
drip drip drop
the clock is making a ticking noise and im trying to focus my attention on it
this stuff makes me loopy i swear
and none of my thoughts are making much sense at the moment
which is making me sound extra artsy and poetic)

watch;
this false ownership
we say our universe and our planet because we see something gorgeous in it all and as humans we instinctively want to have ownership over things; it's the same kind of scenario as when a young child wants the cutest kitten or the prettiest flower
or in the way that i call you mine
i ask myself all the time
did i find you? are you mine?
~
the sun is at my back
and the sky matches his eyes
we're almost touching
our mouths hover close
god this thing that we are creating
it is infinitely beautiful

when im getting these treatments called actual hell
i close my eyes
i let visions of him play in my mind
every time i hear his voice a kind of silence washes over me
and for the first time in my life i know who im destined to be and
who im meant to be with
and no other thing has ever felt like belonging to him does
this is how i was made
and here i am
almost home
just not quite
none of this can be undone
and i will never be the same because of him

l o g a n
these letters? they might be my favorite
(they are)
this boy is so marvelous
when he spoke to me for the first time i swear i think the sun stopped to kiss the night
the sun burned holes into the sky
it spoke to the earth and sang to the universe
rays and waves and secret forms of communication
cracks formed in the earth and it opened up to show all of the things that had been lying dormant inside waiting for us
new things began to bloom
there were flowers born
shooting up out of the mud
overwhelming light bursting out of them
the flowers tore themselves wide open
to show us what was hidden inside
his eyes flashed fire
and his eyes flashed nebulas**

**** my heart would've died otherwise

you are my fairy tale
you came charging into my life
(***** the "he came on a white horse" bit, you had a frickin unicorn)
sword in hand
ready to fight off the monsters that were keeping me locked away
rescuing me from
that lost soul i was becoming

prince charming has nothing on you