a h - Hello Poetry

a h Jan 2015

it's like im a fresh cut soaked in alcohol
or an open ******* blister being held under salt water

i haven't felt this in a while
im an open book (as much as im able to be)
and even though vulnerability has never been my type of thing
im not all that closed off

i need to tell him*
im sorry
you're going to have to be extra gentle with me
because i guess i am pretty fragile
loving like this makes me so

a h Dec 2014

dreiundzwanzig

i call them at two in the morning
im crying
"why'd you wake me up i'm not in the mood"
"im sorry it won't happen again"
they text me
"we need to talk"
my heart stops my throat tightens
my mind wanders to the pills in the bathroom cabinet
my heart is heavy
my lungs need so badly
just to ******* sleep
~
onto the next
and it's always the same
person after person
over and over
"im sorry it won't happen again"
they text me
"we need to talk"
my heart stops my throat tightens
my mind wanders to the pills in the bathroom cabinet
my heart is heavy
my lungs need so badly
just to ******* sleep please let me sleep
i can't do this any longer
~

i get a call from you at two in the morning
you're crying
"i'm sorry"
"no baby. don't you dare say sorry. breathe. everything's okay. we're okay. i pinky promise"
and just as we're falling asleep together ill grumble in my sleepy voice
*"what's forever? i think i'm in love"

a h Dec 2014

**** i hate the word poetry

i skinned my knees trying to crawl through my own thoughts and emotions
i opened my veins onto paper and let the blood come trickling out
my heart is made of glass and if you tap it hard enough it will break into two million pieces
ill carve cuts deep into my chest almost as if i think without them i cannot breathe
and the words ive scratched into my throat with my fingernails will go up to my tongue
and fill me with a brand new oxygen supply

i don't know what this is
i only needed to say i hate poems and poetry

a h Dec 2014

telling you my non fictions

ill sit you down and hold your hands in mine
and i will tell you all of my stories
from the very beginning
you'll inhale them
eager and hungry for more
you'll build a little picture of me in your mind
your brilliant ******* mind
god it's so gorgeous
the pictures will be based off of the things i tell you
and only that
they might be twisted and strange
they might not make sense to you completely or at all
but you'll love them because you love me
it's important that you know these stories that i carry around with me
because here's the best part of all
you are in the pictures now
you are one of my stories
a silly dream that actually came true

a h Dec 2014

in the way that you gave up on yours

(realizing everything now)
i guess i should've seen how much you genuinely trust me
the moment you slid the broken pieces of your heart and tattered soul
across the table to me and said
i love you please never leave

*ive never had someone dedicate their existence to me in the way that you have yours. it's the most comforting feeling

youll never have to give up. just know that

a h Dec 2014

dear, you of the present ;; signed, me from the future.

part one of three*

all of my wildest dreams did in fact come true

(we'd been busy tying knots in the sheets with our naked bodies all morning)
and you had no obligation at all to touch me with those perfect hands of yours.
but you did it anyway

you pulled me towards you
the closer and closer together we got the more i could feel your heart pounding next to mine
you counted the freckles on my neck with your tongue
and claimed every inch of my body with permanent kisses
i traced *"aaron's" down your chest with my fingertips
and you told me
touching you touching me had been enough to fix all of the bad you had accumulated inside of yourself over the years
and we had been wanting each other for what had felt like decades

your breath up against my skin
as we pushed harder and closer against one another
the friction between our bodies began to radiate so much heat it seemed like our skin might have melted together

your skin was flushed
a deep pink
and i ran my fingers through your hair as i whispered into your ear that i wanted to feel you
that i want to take away all of your insecurities
and get to know all of you

a h Dec 2014

pt two [idk]

i’m afraid.
i’m absolutely terrified of losing you
you dropping out of my life one day with no explanation
or finding someone else that gives you more than i can

i know you won't leave i believe you with all my heart when you say you're not going anywhere
but then my brain thinks it's allowed to think whatever off the wall **** it wants to
and i freak out
~
i guess im more afraid of how fast these feelings we have evolved from
cute instagram mutuals
to
saying those three words we say that make my heart have a spaz attack like im in the seventh ******* grade having my first serious crush
im afraid of
how fast i said those stupid ******* words that i promised id never say again
and now im saying them over and over again to you
but i mean them i swear on everything that i do mean them
~
i get stuck up in my head
my anxieties are so crippling i'll sit for hours just thinking about things like
the words im using
what feelings im being open about
which ones im not
what if i say something too much
or too fast
****
these scenarios start playing in my head like a broken record every time either one of us says something even remotely close to having to do with how we feel about each other
~
every single person that's ever been in my life
no
they've broken me
each and every one of them
separately
and i used to try so hard to find the courage to trust people but every time i did it'd get torn down again
but i trust you
i trust you and it's terrifying
i want you and it's terrifying
of course i love you and of course
(i need you)
that's so so so ******* terrifying
~
i used to swallow a fist full of pills every day to numb my emotions
so i could at least barely get by
the problem (besides the obvious drug abuse) is that while i was neglecting to feel those emotions
i was also neglecting to learn how to feel them
without panicking
~
i am pretty **** weak still
there
i said it
i am weak
i have no idea what im doing
~
im not just saying this
ive never opened up to someone like
i have to you before
ive never really opened up to anyone at all
~
please put up with me
don't get tired of dealing with my scramble brains and thoughts and emotions
im getting there
im trying