I go back to the beginning of my writing to be reminded of what once was

more so to see how far I've come

other times to see how little has changed

depends on my mood...

You cling to the past
but with each day that passes you feel it slipping from your grip
more and more

until all you have left seems to touch you in the form of
flashbacks
deja vu
dreams

anything to remind you of what once was

sometimes you wish you could tighten your grip before it's too late

but it is too late

the memories you have
of that person
of that relationship
can't be brought back
too much has changed
too much has happened since then
that person
that relationship
no longer exists

so why torture yourself over something you no longer have any control over?

because if you could go back you would've done things differently

I wouldn't have gone back to *** until I was healed that way our second chance might've lasted a lifetime
I would've left *** after the first red flag so I could look back and appreciate all of the good without all of the bad
I would've given xxxxxx a real chance regardless of my fear of being hurt

but I can't go back and neither can you

so this is an ode to my past

thank you for teaching me endless amounts of love lessons
thank you for forming me into the person that I am today

thank you for letting me have control in where I leave you

and where I leave you is right here
no further will you go along this journey with me

I hope you understand

I want to be happy.

I want to be content with the simplicity of life.

I want to stop living in extremes.

I want to feel what it is like to be in love
              without having to relive old memories.

I want to stop experiencing highs off of sadness.

I want to be able to take a deep breath
                in order to feel relief
                           rather than a gasp for air
                                     instinctual to my survival.

I want to welcome passion in again
               with wide open arms
                          feeling its embrace
                                   remembering its smell

When someone doesn't see the potential of what could be

try not to be angry
         try not to be sad
                   try not to blame yourself
                            try not to wonder why you weren't good enough

try

try to accept that it simply wasn't meant to be experienced
        try to accept that he simply didn't see just how great you are
              try to accept that he simply didn't see just how much you
                      had to offer him

you shouldn't have to wait around for someone

to realize just how great you could be together
        to realize just how worth it you are
                  to realize that you could've pulled each other
                        out of the darkest corners of your souls
                                that you both know too well.

but instead he will sit in the dark

alone

and when he sees you bright and gleaming

he will wonder why he ever even preferred the comfort of darkness

When I think of change in my own life
I think of doors surrounding me
suffocating me
almost

with each change that occurs in life
I open a different door
creating an entirely new set of doors to choose from

but with endless amounts of doors
how do I begin to choose which to open?

some doors are already cracked open
while others are locked shut

some doors are freshly painted
while others are cracked, peeling at the touch

so how do I decide?

how do I decide between
opening the already cracked door
or finding the key to the locked one

how do I decide between
opening the new door
or the door that's falling apart

because
regardless of how it looks on the outside
the inside is unknown

you can pick the easy door
but easy isn't always worthwhile

you can pick the appealing door
but appealing isn't always logical

the doors surround you daily
waiting for you to decide
growing impatient

do you rush and pick a door
and risk opening the wrong door

or do you wait
in an attempt to plan out every possible option
resulting in you feeling stuck
frozen in place
unable to move
unable to choose

feeling stuck may be miserable
but looking back and regretting your decision
wishing you could turn around and go back is just as bad
isn't it?

I think sometimes what stops us from following our gut is the fear of rejection

You know what you want
but you're afraid you won't get it
or that the other person won't feel the same way anymore
or that it won't work out

it's a risk
and some of us aren't risk takers
but I think we should be

when I said I didn't want to live anymore
and you looked the other way
claiming that your intention was pure
telling me that you thought that what I needed at the time was not you

when in reality that was simply
your way out

out of the toxicity we knew as love

I read something once that expressed how it isn't someone's responsibility to stay and fix a significant other

and so I can't blame you for leaving me at my worst

but
I'd like to know if the same rules apply when you're the sole reason your significant other needs to be "fixed"
are you still allowed to leave?
I guess it doesn't matter
because you did..

as much as I knew you loved me
you did not love me enough to see me live

as much as I wanted to die
I'm just thankful that I didn't

because the guilt you would feel
would be almost unbearable
forever

but instead
you got to move on

well
move on enough to be with someone else
even if its temporary

while I'm still here dealing with the aftermath

I know that I've come a long way
but I also still know that I have a way to go

I also know that regardless of your relationship status currently
you still do love me
you love me but
again
not enough to act on it
only enough to reach out from time to time
only enough to check up on my social media
in the hopes that you see something that shows you that I'm thinking of you

is that even love?
maybe
but I think it's the manipulative kind

and I deserve something more than that
much more

and before I used to dream about you giving me more

but I think we're still both smart enough to see that as much as we may think we have changed we haven't

you're still the guy who strings me along with no regards of my feelings
enough to give me a taste
but leaving me hoping that I will crave more
with no intentions on giving me exactly that

and I'm still the girl
who's feels things much deeper than she wants
who still needs some fixing
who gets herself into trouble with love

but I'm on my way
and I'm not sure that I can say the same thing about you

I pray that I can one day