It's true
as time goes on
our memories start to become more fuzzy
but not all of them

I can't stop thinking about my cousin

how earth shattering it was to get that call that he had died

that the disease he was fighting with for years finally caught him

to this day something that will haunt me is the thought of just how mad my cousin must've been when he woke up in heaven realizing what he had done

how much ******* regret he must feel
how much he must miss us

my family is forever altered by what had happened
we never truly healed
we never will

and I don't think this is something anyone can relate to
unless you have experienced the same heart break first hand

I remember getting the call from my dad the morning after a night out with friends to tell me what had happened.

I remember rushing home to my uncle's house to find my entire family, in tears, unable to comprehend.

I remember spending days where all my family did was become numb in order to get things done and then cry when they were finally finished for the day.

I remember walking into the funeral home thinking it was just a really bad movie.

I remember my one cousin saw the casket and started screaming
she fell to the floor not being able to hold herself up
and kept repeating that she was unable to do this

I remember my father humming songs in his head for hours trying to block out the reality of what was happening to our family.

I remember my family going up to the open casket and kissing my cousin's dead, cold body on the head, repeatedly.

I remember the guilt I felt for not having a stronger relationship with him.

I remember everything
so ******* vividly
even 2 years later

and I don't think it'll ever get fuzzy.

If you look through my poems it tells the same story
over and over again.

pain
numb
healing
confusion

repeat.

you'd think I'd be tired of it by now
or at least enough to put an end to it.

It's because I have fallen into the habit of not letting my brain process things.
When I get hurt
I have a day or two of wallowing
and then I refuse to let myself get like that again.

I used to think that was healthier.
Blocking everything out.

but to this day...

if you bring up my high school boyfriend
I block out the fact that I envisioned my entire future with him and it still hurts thinking that it won't happen.

if you bring up my college boyfriend
I block out the fact that I was so irrevocably in love with him to ever even want to put an end to the toxicity.

I block out the fact that my inability to love again is because I have already given all of my love out and I feel as though I have nothing left to give. Or maybe it's because as much as I want to experience love again I turn down any opportunity of it because of my pure fear of it not working.

Writing helps
for however long it takes me to write that day
I allow myself to not block everything out
to take down the barrier temporarily
and to feel

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit

it has been 3 years.

usually when I become numb
I start to write and it all pours out

tonight I am numb
but can't get my fingers to start typing

maybe I just have to much to say
too much to feel
too much to write


not able to form a poem out of the jumbled mess in my mind

all I've ever wanted was an apology.
and not one of those half *** apologies but a sincere one

but
just because I want one doesn't mean I need one
because I don't

I want one
so that I can make sense of it all

I want one
so that I can find comfort in the past

I want one
so that I know I didn't love a ****** guy

I want one
so that I know you've come to terms with your actions

I want one
so that I know you were the guy I fell for not the guy you became

I want one
because I deserve one

but *******
I don't need one.

you were my drug
you were created specifically for me
or so I thought

My body consumed you
entirely
for over a year and a half

I was convinced that I couldn't
live without you
breathe without you
be without you

Because the withdrawal
was so excruciating
I thought that I wasn't strong enough

Relapsing
over
and over
again

Knowing that I shouldn't want it
Knowing that I shouldn't need it
Knowing that I deserve a life without it

Regretting the day I first tried my drug
Regretting the warning signs of my addiction
Regretting being too weak to stop

I'm officially 6 months clean
and I wish I can say I did it by myself
but I didn't
does that make me weak?
I almost don't care

I can now live without you
breathe without you
be without you

without withdrawal
without relapsing

I've been struggling with words lately
which is weird for me

maybe it's because
I'm not sure how to make sense of it all

I'm still waiting
for everything to make sense
trying to force it almost

trying to trick
my own heart
my own mind

into believing that this is how it was supposed to happen
when I know it wasn't