I didn't know.

I didn't know this would be so painful.
I didn't know this would be so hard.

I didn't know you'll be gone.
I didn't know this time is for good.

I didn't know I loved you this much.
I'm sorry I didn't know...

i thought i was dead when i woke up in my own *****
and my head ached with pains of you; leaving me unable to remember what day it was

it's been sixteen months since i've tasted you

but your flavor still staggers over my tongue
and leaves a stale and unpleasant numbness in my mouth

i've crashed my car too many times
on nights when i was heading straight toward your headlights
and waiting for that sound
to let me know it was true

we were a disastrous and destructive stampede of animal feet
plowing through the only things that should have mattered
and leaving them in the dust

i've killed you too much and too often

and without you breathing by my side
how am i supposed to know that i'm still alive?

Please do not get angry at me for feelings that I cannot control

Suddenly,
        I hear
           the sound of
               a child's laughter
               in my ears
      And I recount all
         of my lost years
          the countless drops
             of wasted tears

And all the bitter,
       nasty tastes
      of all the time
     I've turned to waste
  And maybe I could keep
   some friends
   if I just used some tape
and paste

My grave was dug
  many years ago
Although,
  my death
    is unbearably slow
Twiddling my thumbs,
   and wasting my time
as I spend all my wits
  on *******
and poor rhymes

"I want to have conversations with you at 4 am when we're both out of our minds and dazed in sleep deprivation. I want to sleep in a twin bed with you lying next to me in my high school sweatshirts and plaid, baggy pajama bottoms. I want to kiss you like the bees kiss the flowers and like the sun kisses the sea. I want to sing to you in the car and listen to the quiet buzz of you humming along. I want to be there when you find beauty in not only the sky, but the world below it. I want to navigate my way through that maze of a heart just to find even more beauty and love in your soul. I just want to be so deeply in love with you that drowning becomes a privilege."