Those darker days came around and left me spiraling out of control.
More often then not, my finger hovered over your contact but my pride wouldn't let me call for anything.
When you tell me you love me, I feel my chest tightening because I can't maintain a normal heart rate.
You give me anxiety.
Every time you walk away, I step an inch further off this cliff.
You think I don't care when I shut down but that's me stopping myself from self destructing.
You destroy me in the best way possible, I just can't understand how you did it.
It's almost like you found the key to my pandora box.
I need your voice.
I miss your touch.
I want you here.
Your kisses make me lose my breath, but I crave them after each and every one.
I don't know how you do it.
I can't control these feelings I have for you even though I should.
So when you ask me what did I come back for, my reason is obvious.
I have no control.

I haven’t eaten in days and my blood pressure is steadily spiraling downward.
Inconsistent pulsation behind my eyes keeps me awake throughout the nights.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I like this?
Repeated questions runs laps but I can’t grasp this concept of normality or whatever you may refer to as modern culture.
So as a result, I suffer.
I don’t think like you do.
Loving is confusing because I’m not even sure what it means to me, if it’s even right for me.
My mind is as complicated as an ***** with the wrong valves.
Sure, I feel something, but in a different aspect of emotional volume.
The same energies flows through me, but I’m not sure of how to let it all out the way you would.
It’s almost like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube while colorblind.
Maybe this is what I’m here for;
Trying to find a way to smile while experiencing low levels of confidence.
But I manage and no one thinks anything of the lonely days and empty nights.
I can’t find my humanity.
Im always trying to escape the truth of knowing that there’s nothing better.
Maybe I’m a psychopath.
Maybe I don’t fit in with the crowd.
Whatever it is knows me better than I seem to know myself.
But no one listens.
So what do I do when they don’t hear the cries?
Give up begging for help or just deal with the agony?
Never mind for now, reality is fading away once again.
I can get lost in my mind for a little while now and not worry about anything,
Because by the time someone hears the cries, it’ll be too late.

Like the last fire ember keeping is warm
For it is our only chance to survive
Fading
Like a generation of people
Killing rather than nurturing
Fading
Like a little boy's life
Running away from his future
As his past haunts him
And he cannot escape
Fading
Substance is the only way for him to get away
Pain is the only emotion he feels
Fading
Physical abuse wearing him down
Weeping his way to sleep
Fading
Food doesn't come often
Blatant neglect turns to crime
Fading
Empty, cuffed in the backseat
On the road to his new life
Fading
Jumpsuits were his only wardrobe
Though 3 meals a day were beneficial
Fading
In need of substance once again
Craving was intended this time
Fading
Lying there, cold
No more pain to feel now
Fading
As the sun behind the ocean
New life beyond the clouds
Fading
Like footsteps on the shore
Never to come back again

I can admit, In the end I didn't love you to my fullest potential
That's probably why I keep writing about how much I miss you
How it could be all way better if I was still with you
Now I'm just wondering if I'll ever have the chance again to kiss you
Because loving you always stays afloat up in my mental
But maybe it just wasn't enough, maybe I was too gentle
Now I'm feeling more guilty because you're saying you're resentful
But none of this would've happened if we would've just continued
So when you leave, can you take all of the pain with you
Because my soul hurts, and when you leave that's when the pain hits you
I never knew being in love was such a big issue
But now my heart is crying out, and I think I need a tissue

Adventurous thoughts of love died last year
As new beginnings emerge
Like a rose through concrete, avoiding any and every obstacle
Fate so ever more precious
Let me explore your mind through the deepest realms of your world
I wanna view your most horrific nightmares and luminous dreams
Let me touch your soul
The sacred barrier to your heart
And leave you with an extraordinary feeling, one you'd diminish yourself if ever forgotten
Let us trade visions so you can see how beautiful you are
In my eyes, you hold the pedestal and that could never be taken from you
Let me define love to you, something other men can't quite get right
Yet I've found the perfect way, and would be thrilled to show you

Lust isn't blind
You come over for a reason
Maybe your insecurities are guiding you away from him
Or maybe it's your mind telling your heart otherwise
The simple things can't show you what you want in life
Maybe that's why you're here with me
This excitement of spontaneity gives you a thrill that's influencing you
You've never experienced anything like it
But it feels so right
And when you leave you realize
I'm not your boyfriend

We’re gonna save the kissing for something real
These are just temporary emotions
They'll go away once you leave
And then I usually forget you until next time comes around
It's seems so real though
The sweat and tension brings it alive
Maybe it's what we crave out of each other
I've felt this way before
It's hard to come across because it's internally deep
And I sometimes I get lured in so far
These feelings can't be real
But my heart is getting itself involved
This is what's confusing me
You never get the real feeling until it's gone
Maybe I've been blind from the start
It seems the benefits aren't all I wanted
Maybe all along, I've simply wanted you

You can't break something that is already broken
And you can't hurt someone who has no feelings
Being numb is how I live
Catastrophes don't phase me
You don't phase me
I don't take it personal anymore
Love is like a business
If you get your feelings involved, you won't last
Only the strong survive
You can't even bare half of what I've been through
Girl, I've been through it all
Being cheated on by the love of your life might give you a meltdown
And getting ran out on something you thought was special might leave you crazed
Yet this is only the beginning
And I'm still here
Now I don't have anything inside me
Sooner or later, the game will have you
I've been through it, and then learned it
You'll learn it consumes you
Either play the game, or get played
It happens to everyone

I made love to her through you
That's why I kept my eyes closed
Biting my tongue to keep the screams of her name inside
Her love has its own category, separating her from other women
Her touch is poised with a residue so potent, you get lost into her universe
The way she moves hypnotizes my mind, it incinerates my vision of any other love
Her kisses are lifeless, but they absorb your soul
She's inevitable
So when I close my eyes, be sure to know she has my life in her hands

I’ve realized the hardest thing to do is to let go of something you love
But if the one who loves you keeps hurting you then why stay?
Sure you feel like they hold the key to your heart
But what are you getting other than pain?
Love is the most dangerous drug
You never see it coming, but feel it the most when it's too late
Some people allow it to takeover their life
And they then believe the disrespect and negligence is the only way to find love
But you've never gotten love so everything in your eyes represents it
You don't know what satisfies you other than being with someone
Maybe that's why your feelings take their own course

Wipe aways those tears
They won't mean much once they pass your chin
You mean what I meant to you
And it's the same for you too
You knew this day was approaching
There were days you couldn't look at me
Because you saw your heart dying
But I got pulled from reviving you
Now your love is spilling over me, although it doesn't tempt me
I know I lack in your love
But you latched on with your embrace, now your heart skips a beat from time to time
I wanted the best for you but showed you that it wasn't me
I know just what you need but didn't want that from me
I should've listened to my instincts but it doesn't matter anymore
Maybe if I help pick up the pieces they'll forget my past
And maybe if I stop those tears from passing your chin, they'll learn to love me again

Kisses don't hurt
But love deals hell of a pain
I can't take what you're doing to me
My heart won't seem to refrain
I know I loved you too much
This feeling can't even be sustained
My thoughts had me in a chokehold
But I broke free from being restrained
I'm feeling relentless at heart
Aimed at my temple with the steel no stain
My life is rapidly pulsating
Now I just can't seem to maintain
Maybe I can ease all the pain if I just go bang like Cobain

I’m glad it's all over
That hold you had on me was pretty strong
I couldn't find my self esteem
I guess you lose it when you fall
I fell a great distance
It all felt so real
I thought we were gonna be together someday
It was only last year
**** time does fly
But I've gotten smarter
And realize what you would've been
You were my all, though my eyes weren't fully opened
When you let me fall, that's when I began to open them
I saw you for what you really were
I didn't even like it
I didn't even like you anymore
You couldn't turn me on
And I think you began to see it
Now that my eyes are fully open
I see what you really are
You aren't even on my level
My tongue doesn't twist like it did before
And my heart doesn't crave you anymore

What if the last time we spoke was the very last?
Would you remember it all?
Word for word or would it come to you piece by piece?
What would you say differently if you knew it would be our final talk?
Would you cry out in agony in effort to show how much you loved me?
Would you be able to handle the reality?
Would you drain yourself of sorrow over how much you did me wrong?
Or would you pray for the better in hopes of this all never even happening?

Eyes still sore from the pain that I built up
Distant gazing, trying to find out what am I doing wrong
Commitment isn't my issue
It just seems the woman is never ready
But ready for what?
Every girls dream is to settle down and be in love
Having someone who treats her right by her side
If that's everything I'm offering and your plate is empty, what's the problem?
Broken promises don't sit well with me
Because my anger is overly uncontrollable
That's why I keep my distance when things don't look good
Everything I told you was the truth
But that didn't mean I ever stopped caring
You just realized you were the one changing
Sometimes I forget what I'm even in this for
Then I remember I'm too deep, leaving isn't even an option

There's no happiness in your fate
And time doesn't suppress pain
Your dreadful smile wouldn't understand that though
You're losing everything slowly but surely
Simply why somethings just don't ever change
Sometimes we hurt people that love us, and love people that hurt us
But some grow darker from ones they love
So they begin initiating love from their entire world
And begin dissolving their own trust
I always put you first
But have learned to not chase what won't let me catch it
Even though it felt right, it wasn't good at all
I'm not pessimistic, but I usually shy away from good times
Because they all come with darkness in the end

In every forever there's an over
Being in love it can go from just that as well
Because nothing lasts forever
Time has repelled your love down into the core of the earth
Lower than death you watched it go
At least you don't get trapped in the cycle
Trying to find someone and share interests
Show related attractions
And open up to each other but retreat once you begin to feel reminded
Reminded of your past, which got you in this predicament
Now you're looking for love once again
And you always look back to see that it was all real
Those scars still remain
And the pain grows deeper as you go on

When you feel love coming on, you cut everyone off
So what do you do when you end up lonely in the end?
It seems like changing for the better always comes too late
And real happiness only exists when you're unaware to it all
Permanent decisions seem to be based on temporary feelings
I get confused with if it's meant to be, it'll be
And if you want it, go get it
Missed opportunities don't stand a chance against real love
But fear is sometimes mistaken for being guilty
So I don't understand why it is harder to accept a lie than to tell the truth
It's always like you get the right feeling for the wrong people
And real love ends over temporary problems
Old memories often bring new feelings
And old relationships opens up eyes to new standards and wants
Just knowing we would never be together again definitely brings darkness and some pain
Although you can’t be ashamed of what you caused
It all severs my heart, now I’m waiting until I recover
Maybe this all is just a lesson to learn
To treat the ones who love me accordingly
So that I would honestly realize that this is all reality, and not just a bad dream

I’ve once heard that the worst thing to do is to become the person who hurt you
You equip an isolated demeanor to your lifestyle and it takes its toll on the people you love
Your aggression becomes normal to you and you stay in defense against everyone
Your bridges of trust begin to fall and a barricade builds itself around your heart
No one dares to attempt entry into this lost world of hatred
A look into your eyes, all you see is pain, misery and sought for revenge
But a deeper more visual look into your mind, you see cries of hurt and wonder
Wonder of why
Why did you hurt me like this
You've changed me into someone I’d never wish to be
You've turned me into the reason I am this way
You've turned me into you

This here feels different
Time has withdrawn my feelings deeper within than ever before
A swim through my lust could show you who I once was
And your fractional connection always brings suspense about
Though it's overwhelming once ours is replenished
This here isn't physical
But maybe us with silence could revoke something of a new horizon
Just a peak into your nature
Exploring your soul through its sleekest valley
And taking a few breaths inside of your vaporous fumes
Fondness couldn't hide from itself
But if you hold your breath long enough, you'll find the new me
Oh so tenuous, too dangerous to ever speak of
My love used to be the feeling of inhaling glass
With a little ammonia to clean up any residue
That was until I began to love myself more than I should have
So now I hold my breath
To visualize love at a different level with more emotions
Ones that coincide to being happy with another person
But my vision can't seem to apprehend
So I'll allow my imagination to prosper on anyway
Back into you sleekest valley, the glass and ammonia returns
This here feels different
There is no feeling of pain anymore
And you are still holding your breath
Something new inside is emerging but can't remember it's feeling
Now my body will prosper this new feeling along
New love is born and the physicality awakens a new horizon inside you

Thursday at lunch was the last time I seen her
Questioning my absent-mindedness from the world
Heart beat slowing with each breath I take
My response was a simple request for lonesome
As company angered me to a boiling point
Relocation was followed by echoes of my name, fading with each step
Then momentarily disturbed as I am approached for questioning once again
What's wrong? Why are you being like this? Talk to me!
But silence was all that could've been provided
My intentions would only hurt me
Though you wouldn't seem to care
What's your purpose?
Your questioning doesn't seem to serve a reason
You only care when things reflect negatively on you
And this looked as your fault
Had people wondering where my mind had gone
You ripped my heart from my chest, with no hesitation
Leaving me as your slave
And destroying me with bare hands
So I don't see why you care
What do I mean to you?
You made me feel like less than a human being
I didn't want to be here anymore
I felt like there was nothing else here for me
Smiling dissolved from my everyday life
Appalling tendencies all pointed to me
Even with hope in grasp, effort was something I didn't feel the need to give
I wanted this to end
Emotions covered me as if they were my own skin
Agony, I'd call it
The dynamics of pain could be expressed to in a lifetime
But was dealt to me in less than 4 years of my young life
Perpetual emotions wouldn't leave me to myself
As memories haunted me throughout my depressed days
As my nights grew longer and colder
Loneliness became my only option

You've been the only one to make me smile in some years
Though you've differentiated from those other females
You put something inside me
But a question mark remained there for a while
Was it care? Love? Or maybe sympathy for my past?
Long after, that question mark had vanished and I figured it out
Sympathy didn't fit into the category
Our long walks, hour talks, and etc resembled care
But that last one was still a mystery
I didn't know what that last one was
Physically or emotionally
Sure, people say it all the time to me
But it mentally disables me when asked about someone else
Maybe because of my disheartening past that cripples me and doesn't allow me to use that word
That I don't know what it is
But you've put something special inside of me
It makes me think of you randomly
It makes me want to be with you all the time
It makes me feel attached to you
Like you emotionally belong to me
When then I've suddenly realized what you put in me
When I'm around you, I get this warming feeling inside which brings out my smile
It was simply amazing
What you put in me makes me feel like I understand what my mind has been blocking me from
What you put in me was love