If I am being honest, I am good alone. I know what to expect.
I enjoy taking the time to write my poetry and reading the books in my room.
If I am being honest, I have never felt more free than I do right now. I have my work friends and my family.
If I am being honest, I don't know if I believe in: true love or God. I know true love exists but I am good alone. I don't know if God even cares about me.
If I am being honest, working at a thrift store isn't the same as working for a newspaper as a journalist. Maybe one day I can go back to college for journalism.

Tick-tock, I hear the constant clicking at the back of my skull as though someone shot the back of my mind with an invisible gun.
Tick-tock, always reminding me pain is never too far away from me.
Tick-tock, gender dysphoria is looking in the mirror and feeling physical pain of being someone you already are. Wishing to be something you aren't.
Tick-tock, gender dysphoria is feeling every fiber of your being tearing away at each cell wanting you to scream in agony in it's wake.
Tick-tock, gender dysphoria is feeling like you are this thing no one wants and letting the loneliness swallow you whole.
Tick-tock, gender dysphoria is always feeling like you aren't enough to anyone.
Tick-tock, you never know how much time you have until your time is up. Luckily, I am not dying young.

Gender dysphoria,
I feel a stabbing pain in my chest.
Gender dysphoria,
I feel the pain spread across my body.
Gender dysphoria,
I feel phantom pains everywhere:
my ribs, my legs, my neck and my mind.
Gender dysphoria,
It's more of a physical pain than a mental pain.

Gilded Hearts wither in the storms of life.
Gilded Hearts pass by me each day. Coaxed by their comfortable lives into a drum sound of normalcy.
Gilded Hearts are predictable in their white picket fence lifestyles.
But are they ever really living life to the fullest?
Gilded Hearts are prejudice of those different from them.
Gilded Hearts break too easily because I used to be one of them. Always with a stick up my ***. Then I learned about people who were different from me. Until I realized I wasn't Gilded Hearted at all. But someone different from the Gilded Hearts.
Where I reveal my emotional scars like trophies and the gold fades away then I am just me.
Gilded Hearts act like they are gods and goddesses when in reality: They are only human.

Remarkable Love,
She is breathtaking by her beautiful soul.
Remarkable Love,
She has restarted my broken-heart.
Remarkable Love,
She may be my first love but she brought out a part of me I forgot I had.
Remarkable Love,
A part of me that is brave enough to face anything.
Remarkable Love,
I saw her last night while she was driving. Her dark blue eyes and that awe-inspiring scarlet smile.
Remarkable Love,
She has rescued me again this time with a smile. Sure we aren't getting back together. She reminded me who I need to be with a smile. That is who I have always been a selfless poetess because no one else is me and no one else is her.
Remarkable Love,
Thank you for reminding me of who I am.

A love that never blossomed.
My heart soaking up the agony of it all like a sponge in a soapy bucket of water.
Painting with the shades of blue of my heart as my loving dreams I had of her cloud my mind.
I let the rain pour.
But I don't let the bitterness consume the sweetness that resides in my broken-heart.

I am a mess of emotions, I am brokenhearted.
I am broken in ways, I am still figuring out.
I don't know what to do other than to make art out of my pain.
Painting with the shades of blue of my broken-heart to ink on paper.

Love is Peculiar,
she is on my mind all the time.
Love is Peculiar,
she is in my dreams.
Love is Peculiar,
I am enraptured in her dark blue eyes.
Love is Peculiar,
My heart sings her name.
Love is Peculiar,
I crave her presence.
Love is Peculiar,
Every time I see her at work, she makes my day better.

Love is bewildering, she puts this ***** happy smile on my face just by existing.
Love is bewildering, she gets me in ways I am still learning.
Love is bewildering, she puts me in a love daze.
Love is bewildering, yet I am not confused, I am perplexed.
Love is bewildering, I am perplexed because she makes me feel indescribable things just by talking to me and considering me her equal.
Love is bewildering, she is definitely into me and hell yeah I will do anything to be with her.
Love is bewildering, we haven't even kissed yet but I know what we have is special to me.
Love is bewildering, I haven't even held her in my arms yet but somehow that doesn't matter because I will wait however long it takes just to hear her call me hers.
Love is bewildering, I haven't even felt her bare skin beneath my hands yet I will wait until we get there so I hope I don't mess this up.

I grew up in the church and I enjoyed most of it.
I am just sick and tired of hiding in the closet around people who have known me, my whole life.
I know they won't support me in any way because of church politics and right now I am not ready to be kicked out of my church yet.
But when I am ready to for everyone to know who I am then I will face the music.

The Life I Built from the Closet is comfortable, I know what people expect from me.
The Life I Built from the Closet is black and white thinking.
The Life I Built from the Closet is pink and blue gendering parties.
The Life I Built from the Closet is church etiquette and weddings.
The Life I Built from the Closet is volunteering and church events.
The Life I Built from the Closet is getting used to the heteronormative narrative of romance.
The Life I Built from the Closet is high stakes walking into church and not actually being who I am. Because as a wise friend once told me you are who you are. I am a bisexual woman through and through.

Church is a Sweet Nothing, I give of myself each Sunday and get nothing in return.
Church events are a Sweet Nothing. I gather with all these people but I feel empty. I hope that God is real.
They dress up and go to church. When I go to church I am surrounded by straight couples. I am reminded that I am different and to them that's a bad thing.

As I feel like a man, every emotion is slower and is more potent.
As I feel like a man, everything changed.
As I feel like a man, I feel the responsibilities of being a man.
As I feel like a man, I feel content yet I also feel a pain in my ribs.
As I feel like a man, I feel euphoric.
As I feel like a man, everything is new yet I feel like that feeling have always been with me.
As I feel like a man, I can finally describe the peace I feel when one of my friends wants to know more about my pronouns and what I prefer. I am keeping my full name. Considering I am a gender fluid woman I am keeping both parts of me: My feminine body and my masculine heart.

As I feel like a woman, every emotion rushing towards me.
As I feel like a woman, nothing changed.
As I feel like a woman, I feel the responsibilities of being a woman.
As I feel like a woman, I feel content yet I also feel a pain in my chest.
As I feel like a woman, I can feel people staring at me wondering what gender I am.
As I feel like a woman, I know what people expect of me and I dress like a tomboy. Which they don't expect.

I have always felt different in a lonely way.
My church friends will never understand me or accept me.
I don't know why I keep going to church. I guess it is a habit.
A habit that appeases my mom but not me. The moment I walk into church it is like I am on autopilot. It is as though I am looking into someone else's life not mine. I know I grew up in that church but it doesn't feel like me anymore. I know what my church friends expect of me but I know I am not like them.
I am this boyish looking girl that is proud of who they are as a person. My religion doesn't define me. I define me.

I have a small support system now but I feel amazing.
I don't have to hide who I am around my dad, little sister and older brother because they accept me for who I am.
Tomboy to Boy, one small step at a time I am becoming more me.
Tomboy to Boy, I am a gender fluid woman who is going to take down the gender norms through masculine fashion.
Sure people are already confused what gender I am already and when people think I am a guy it makes me happy.
Tomboy to Boy, I am free.

I am a gender fluid woman.
I normally dress like a tomboy.
Most of the time I feel like a guy.
The thing is I don't know how to explain the lonely different feeling.
The times I feel like a girl are weddings and classy church events.
I am like a grandfather clock, the pendulum swings from one side to next but time goes by.
All my life this lonely different feeling have haunted me. The thing is I am not alone anymore. When I was on cross country in high school I was only tomboy ******* the cross country team. The rest of the girls dressed feminine and really girly. I hung out with the guys on the guys cross country team growing up. I didn't like the segregation of guys and girls. It confused me, the segregation of guys and girls. I have always felt like one of the guys. I have very few friends that are girls. The rest of my friends are guys. All my life I have myself the question, "What the hell is wrong with me?"
Now I know there is nothing wrong with me. I was just trapped in this heteronormative way of thinking for so long but never conformed to it because not only I am bisexual but I am gender fluid too. Gender isn't a straight line divided through the middle but a pendulum swinging from one side to the next as time ticks by. I am not the only gender fluid in the world. And I refuse to conform to society's choose one gender way of the thinking. Gender isn't black and white thinking. Gender is multiple shades of gray.

Most days I feel like a guy, other times I feel like the girl I am then sometimes I feel like both.
So far the gender dysphoria gets worse as my mental health seems stable and good.
My gender dysphoria keeps acting up like sometimes I gaze at myself in the mirror I feel content then I will feel dizzy and pain spreads across my body.
My breathing gets heavy. It's as though I am drowning in ocean and all I do is swim with every ounce strength I can.
Some random guy yesterday yelled at me, "Go back where you came from, ******!" And to educate those of you that don't know, being gender fluid isn't the same as being transgender.
Being gender fluid means one day I feel like a man, another day I feel like the girl I am and some days I feel like both genders.
I have always respected transgender people. Transgender means you don't feel like gender you were born with so they take estrogen or testosterone then get gender affirming surgery.

Let's remember Nex Benedict as they were. They shouldn't have died at that young of an age.
Let's remember the 33 transgender and gender nonconforming people  who died this year because of hate crimes.
Let's remember there is more to humanity than just cruelty.
Let's remember there is more to life than the harshness of life.
I know I say this while hiding my gender identity but there is boldness in silence.
Let's remember anyone of us in the LGBTQ community would have accepted Nex Benedict as one of us because they were one of us.
So live boldly! This isn't about me, this is about remembering the dead. The dead deserve to be remembered.

Whenever I smell perfume it reminds me of the girl's locker room and I feel lonely like I did back then.
My chest is tight and in church I just wanted to yell, "I am gender fluid!" But I couldn't I was frozen in my seat.
I counted my breaths and waited for church to get over. Time seemed slower. Of course my mom didn't notice.
Things are already tense between my mom and I. I am afraid to tell her because then she will rebuke me. I know it ,I feel it  in my bones.

I remember in college there was months where I couldn't feel my body. I was numb all over and every emotion was loud to me.
Now I know it was gender dysphoria.
Last week it felt like my cells were being seared off by an invisible hot knife. I couldn't breath and my mind was foggy.
I wanted to curl up on the ground and cry. Now the pain is gone.
I still have a twinge of pain in my chest but that is all there is.
My medicine help so my anxiety is in check.
Last week was just a bad week. I am okay.

I have a twinge of pain in my chest then that pain spreads all across my body. I try not to look into the mirror.
But as a woman my features seem sharper and my curves are all I can see.
I gaze at myself in the mirror and see my coffee brown eyes then I look down to my lips still light pink. I love myself but I feel uneasy.
My anxiety is cranked up to 100 and all I want to do is tell someone that I am a gender fluid, bisexual woman.

It seems as though I am constantly go through a revolving door.
One moment I am on the inside, at peace.
The next moment I am on the outside, thrown into the wild.
I feel dizzy, euphoric and new.
With a new sense of strength and confidence.
I metaphorically gaze at myself in the glass and I see what I can be.
I can see the struggle within myself but I also see the relief of not conforming to the gender binary.
I am still getting used to being gender fluid because some days it feels as if I have fallen from sky, crashing into a new challenge.
But I enjoy the thrill of it because not every day is the same.

I always have to decide what to wear. Whether I want to wear something masculine or something feminine.
Sometimes something that is gender neutral.
So far I have only told two people know that I am gender fluid.
Everything feels new. Eventually things will be somewhat normal.

I don't always feel like a woman.
I look like a woman but I don't always feel like one.
Some days I am a woman. Other days I am a man. My body doesn't change but how I feel does.
Some days I am both man and woman. I feel this way all the time.
I realize all those times I grew up with panic attacks. I was panicking about how I was expressing my gender not about my homework.
I am a gender fluid, bisexual woman.
I am not afraid to admit it now.

Love is Madness.
It is felt in the depths of your soul.
Love is Madness, It is falling completely in love with someone worth the madness.
Love is Madness, To be insane I already know of Madness now I have to find the Love that I lost ages ago.
Love is Madness. It is losing your mind one moment and regaining yourself in their arms.
Love is Madness. It is being their one and only who truly knows them.
Love is Madness. I had Love that was Madness once. I am trying to get back to that not the idea of it.

Love isn't agreeable.
I was talking to a girl for a week and we constantly agreed with each other. Then she broke up with me now it is just radio silence.
Love isn't agreeable.
I understand now her brokenness and my brokenness didn't fit together. I am glad she bruised my pride because now I see us constantly agreeing with each other wasn't healthy.
Love isn't agreeable.
Why should it be? Love is rough and unique. That was just infatuation not love for a week.

When I loss my best friend a part of me went with her.
When I loss my best friend it was 5 days before my birthday.
When I loss my best friend I cried myself to bed each night and barely ate anything.
When I loss my best friend, 6 months after I tried to **** myself but I heard her voice say, "Don't". So put the pocket knife away and went to sleep.
When I loss my best friend, 8 years ago I couldn't look myself in the mirror because I kept getting memory flashbacks of our wonderful friendship. So I had to remind myself, she wasn't there.
When I loss my best friend, at night I heard her voice say, "I forgive you." And I felt her kiss my cheek. That night I forgave myself.
When I loss my best friend, I knew no one else was going to save me so I made new friends.
Her name was Kalie. And before she died she promised me we would be best friends no matter what. Her spirit doesn't visit me as often as she used to but I still feel her love for me.

Grief reawakens each year yet all I can remember of my best friend is her kindness and her love. I still feel her love even though she is dead.
Well her body is dead but her spirit is very much alive.
Grief is what no one prepares you for. The constantly missing them, and knowing their spirit is with you. I always leave a space in bed for my best friend's spirit because I know she would do the same if I was dead. She died 8 years ago yet her spirit is alive.
Grief is feeling that huge scar on your heart and knowing the love you have someone else never left.

I read old letters hoping to take in the love of the past.
It's like eating stale bread in war times hoping it's enough to fill that roars into the light and dark.
It's leftover love yet I devour it hoping it heals my broken-heart.
I read old letters yet there was a time where the letters sustained hope in me.
It's leftover love and the more I read of the past, the more it breaks my heart.
It's leftover love and it no longer brings me hope yet I devour it to revive what is left of my heart.

Drinking mimosas and taking down the Christmas tree.
Watching superhero movies.
Feeling the slowness of time.

It was you and me; now it is only me.
It was you and me, I hope he loves you right.
It was you and me; we were together for a month and a half.
It was you and me; our nights at my house were amazing.
It was you and me; I am glad you moved on and we are just friends.
It was you and me; I am glad neither of us regret what we had.

It Snows and we aren't expected to stop living.
It Snows and we live despite the brutality of life.
It Snows and we live with our decisions.
It Snows and we live with ourselves.
It Snows and life continues whether we want it to or not.
We live with heartache yet we act like it isn't there.
We live with depression yet we act like we aren't lonely.
We live with anxiety yet we act like the tremors aren't there.
So live and stop acting. Face the feelings and be free.

Forever Ago, you were in my arms as we cuddled nakedly together in my bed.
Forever Ago, you told my dad we were a couple.
Forever Ago, you told the whole town about our nights.
Forever Ago, I called a ****** for being with you by people I didn't know.
Forever Ago, you were mine.

That of a broken-heart better than lovesick for with this broken-heart I know our love was true.
That of a broken-heart better than lovesick; I still remember your soft lips against mine and how you smiled as you were in my arms as my hands shook.
That of a broken-heart better than lovesick for we said we loved each other and we meant it.
That of a broken-heart better than lovesick because you said, "I don't regret what we had and would do it again; I am glad to say, "It's better to have loved and lost than not at all."
That of a broken-heart better than lovesick for one day my broken-heart will heal and you will be a scar on my heart better than lovesick because our love was real.
That of a broken-heart better than lovesick even though you are with someone else, I know we were happy together.
That of a broken-heart better than lovesick, I want you to know you weren't just an experience to me, you were my lover.

I saw you at the coffee shop yesterday.
You were with your boyfriend.
I am glad you moved on.
You said, "I don't regret we had and would do it again."
I am glad we are still friends.
You smiled at me and I smiled back.
Your boyfriend was jealous of how you looked at me.
Thank you for defending me to your boyfriend.

My little sister blasting music.
My mom watching television at a blaring volume.
My dad watching YouTube videos on his phone at a deafening tone.
All of us waiting to go to my Grandma Kay's apartment.

Thank you readers and poets for my poetry and I!
I would be no where without you guys and gals.
Merry Christmas Eve! Enjoy the holidays!

Truth to be known I am good. I am excited for my new hours.
Truth to be known each woman I loved made me better.
Truth to be known I don't regret anything.
Truth to be known my past makes me who I am.
Truth to be known I love my job and the people I work with.
Truth to be known I don't mind being called a ****** for who I love.

Be yourself, they will judge anyways.
Be yourself, things will change eventually.
Be yourself, things are better when you aren't trapped in other people's worlds so create your own.
Be yourself, have your own opinions so you don't lose yourself.
Be yourself, have your own perspective so they don't drown you in confusion.
Be yourself and you will be free.

Through refiner's fire I am becoming more me.
Iron in the Fire, Looking into the past to launch myself to the future.
Iron in the Fire, Reading old letters and seeing what has changed.
Iron in the Fire, Glad I am no longer in the closet.
Iron in the Fire, And I feel more free.

I am alright. I have a job I love and coworkers that are amazing.
I am alright. When I work I can be myself. My boss is thinking of upping my hours since I am such a good job at work.
I am alright. Even though I am distant from my church life. I prefer my work life. I won't stop going to church but I will be working more.
I am alright. And finally I can say that honestly.
I am alright. And nothing is better than that.

Anyone else feel alone? Because I feel so distant from the life I was raised in. Maybe I was always distant from my church life I just didn't notice.
A World Alone from my church friends because I don't want to be a chasten woman.
A World Alone from my church friends because I have faith but I am openly bisexual.
A World Alone from my church friends because I already lost my virginity to a girl in college. It was a perfect night.
A World Alone from my church friends because even though I have an innocent girl act for them, at heart I am a rebel.
A World Alone from my church because I refuse to be ignorant.
A World Alone from my church friends because I prefer to marry a woman.

Light blue sky and icy wind blowing on the library.
People passing through and checking out books.

I found the old you in a letter. You had so much humanity.
I found the old you in a letter. You were afraid to lose me as a friend.
I found the old you in a letter. Too bad you turned into someone I didn't recognize. You used to be a sweet guy then college turned you into a monster.
I found the old you in a letter. Maybe you were always a monster but I couldn't see it in your handsome dark pink smile and charming blue green eyes.
I found the old you in a letter. Truly I am sorry our friendship didn't last forever. But you were trapped in your misery and you wanted me to be miserable with you. When honestly I was trapped in your world too long so you lost me at your monstrous ways. When you lost your humanity, you lost me as a friend.
I found the old you in a letter. Why couldn't you just stay a sweet guy? The answer is I don't know.

The Sweet Girl and the dimple on her right cheek when she smiles.
The Sweet Girl said she will message me on Messenger when she wants to hangout with me.
I love The Sweet Girl's voice for it makes my days at work better.
The Sweet Girl has this way of getting cuter with each passing day.
Today she had her chestnut brown hair in a ponytail and wore a yellow flannel. It emphasized her prominent cheekbones. I couldn't help it but stare at how beautiful she is.

Dark blue sky and icy wind blowing against the library.
Silence as the sky turns a deeper shade of blue.
Listening to music and thinking about the Sweet Girl's smile.
And how the night sky looks like her eyes.

The church or my sanity.
I would prefer to keep my sanity.
The people I work with are like my family.
I am already distant from my church friends anyways.
I believe in Jesus, The Holy Spirit and God.
It's just if they can't accept that I am bisexual then they don't accept me. My work family accepts me and that's enough.

She looks down on everyone.
Her venomous glare from idiotic old men to young poets.
She is content behind her computer.
Her salt and pepper colored hair and bright pink lipstick.
If you annoy her then she raises her voice.

Nothing is the same.
The Girl with Green Eyes and I barely speak to each other when we used to be inseparable.
Nothing is the same.
I am out of the closet to everyone I know but not to the people I go to church with then again they would never understand.
Nothing is the same.
I am proud of who I am and I like the job I work at.