I put my retainer in; only hoping it would straighten things out. Good luck, love. You're too complicated to be set straight. You're not concrete. You're distant. You live your life like you have headphones in, watching everything without the proper sounds; you listen with your own soundtrack. This fake silence speaks to you. It's your only safety net. It's the only way you feel truly alive and normal. Although you try and avoid normalcy as much as it's humanly possible… Although I find it quite ironic that I used the word "Humanly" because you don't strike me as human at all. You're not like other people.

You actually believe that you need others more than they need you. You search for affection, for stability, for acceptance. You're just a shell of the girl you used to be; troubled and messed up and lost in this sadistic world. You don't know what to do with yourself. What is there even to do with a girl like you? Do you know that you block people off? You don't tell anyone anything sweetie. You just keep to yourself, hide everything away in a little box in that extravagant but strangely complicated mind of yours. No wonder you thirst for affection so much, no wonder you don't have any.

But what I don't get is that you sit there and think about how much you want to talk to people and speak your mind but you don't. You're too afraid of being scrutinized even more than you already are. Because you can't take that you're even stereotyped and scrutinized in the first place. You can't stand that. So you believe it's better to be miserable in your own mind rather than publicizing it all over the place. You'd rather keep it to yourself and wear a mask that says, "There's nothing wrong with me, I have every reason to be happy, and I'm just tired." When the truth is, you believe you have no reason to be happy, there's too much wrong with you to even try to deal with and fix, and you're more than tired, you're exhausted.

"Why is life like this?" You ask yourself over and over again. Always searching and searching for answers but only finding more and more questions. You're always left unanswered; you feel worthless, forgotten. You believe that you're just in everyone's way, that everyone would be better off if you just didn't exist. And you constantly find yourself wishing something horrible would happen to you just so you can have a reasonable and legitimate excuse to be so depressed. So you wouldn't have to wear that **** mask of yours anymore. If people only knew.  

But because of who you are, you push people away. And you allow them to get to you and hurt you. But do you realize that it is your fault for all of this? It's always your fault. You're unstable and prone to trouble and terribly unlucky. You're not fixable; you're just not good enough.

People don't realize the type of person you are. You come off as ungrateful and spoiled and angry and so many things that you're not. You just cover everything up with these negative behaviors and emotions. Which makes no sense, but I know you can't help it. Your eyes don't need all the sadness they have seen. You are a good person; at least you try to be. You're humble and understanding. You feel so much for others and you have the ability to understand them so well. You do things for others that you know they would never do for you. You find yourself criticizing only you, judging no one but yourself.

But your own expectations for yourself are impossible to live up to and you don't realize that. You don't believe in yourself... it's a wonder you have the capacity to believe in others. But it doesn't surprise me that you find it so hard to let yourself fully love other people. You don't love yourself. That's your issue. You can show love for others and be loving towards them but you can never get to the point where you can fully love someone. And you wonder why. It's because you don't love yourself. You like to convince yourself that if you write and think beautiful thoughts than everyone will love you. Too bad no one knows you write and think. And too bad you don't think any of it is beautiful either.

You're just paranoid. You have this weird fear of growing old. You're not afraid to die, you're afraid to grow old. Lose your most prized possession-your mind. Maybe that's why you're so reckless and don't care about anything you do or anything anyone else does. You might as well die young rather than waste the rest of your life being miserable and unhappy. I mean life just gets boring after you're forced to grow up. You lose your freedom.

But don't ask me, I don't know anything.

when you're sad
and you want to flee,
think of the good times,
remember me.

i was here for you,
held your hand,
for you i would have,
run all over the land.

but you choose her,
she was number one,
and you left me waiting,
looking oh so dumb.

you destroyed me,
i was shattered
stupid little me,
to think i mattered

now I'm sitting
on the broken tiles
i wish i had been,
the reason for your smiles.

i feel so lonely,
emptier than before,
my wrists are bleeding,
yet still screaming for more,

you're not just a boy,
you're my reason to cry,
please don't give me,
another reason to die.

remember me?
i was your "girl"
now when i see you,
i just want to hurl,

you hurt me,
for the last time,
by next week,
you'll see your crime.

because ill be gone,
this time for good,
you missed out saying,
all that you should.

i hope you feel guilt,
when you see my grave,
i hope it washes over you,
just like a wave.

you had the chance,
to tell me it all,
now when things go bad,
who are you going to call?

I'll drop a twenty dollar bill into the take-a-penny tray at the local gas station today
A tiny donation to the broken mother with four kids who needs a tank of gas to get her to a job that barely pays her the money she needs to feed her children
She goes without tonight

I'll smile at the Walmart door greeter this week
An acknowledgement that will ripple through her subconscious to tell her that suicide is not an option
The boy on check out lane 4 is

I will pull over expeditiously for the ambulance racing by
The new father to be is craddling his newborn baby
Crying out helplessly while his fiance bleeds on their new kitchen floor
Her life will not be lost today

Your reactions to the world around you are what show the world that it does not revolve around you
You revolve around it
Feet planted firmly
Gravity holds down the ability to stay content to my skin like microbs burying into a foreign body

Hold the door tomorrow
You might meet your reason to wake up

i love him
i love you
i love two

he's perfect
but then there's her
babydoll knows how to get it

i feel like a sinner
and to be honest
she deserves better
so does he
but still
he loves me
so does she
even though i
don't seem to
feel the same
but i do

oh god, help me
i'm in love with two
i'm not a player
i just don't know
who to choose

how anyone can
see my flaws
and still want
to see my all
i have no idea
they deserve better
both of them
since i'm
bad luck
for em'

I can describe to you what the sky looked like
It was blue without a cloud to speak of
I can describe to you what the water was like
It was brown and full of fish

I can describe to you what he looks like
His hair is black, his eyes are blue
I can describe to you what the weather was like
It was brisk with almost no wind

I can’t describe how I lost that time
I can’t describe how I lose the days

Time is a figment of imagination
Time is simply put there for a measure

It’s a measure of how long you hurt
It’s a measure of how long you love

It’s a measure of how long your love has been lost

Oh' apple of the eye
Forgetful smelling rye
You breath is sweet as butter
An' your soul
Only knows how to cry

I've loved you
Before you were born
And every letter I've writ you
I've cried over
And torn

Here I lay and stay
Thinking there's no other way
I see my friends
And they say
Love is nothing but something
To obey

The poet in his masquerade
Holds the fiddle as he plays
Songs of days thrown away
For men of many
That have no penny to pay

Her smile brought wars
Her scent brought passion
And the way she grinned
In that forgotten summer of sin
Made any man that had died
Wished to be brought back again

Though I know life
Is only a forgetful memory
Does not mean
That every second I spend with thee
Is nothing less but heavenly

See the table on top of the hill
And the baby that spills
With her eyes that hover still
In a rotating transition
That holds no rule too applicable

What cannot be seen
Is never too obscene
She breathes the way puppets do
Obsessed with only political coup's

Dance with that two step trance
She's the one with the lemon pants
A wriggle and a right a row
The prisoner's have the ship in tow

Now, I know that I said
There was no reason to get upset
But, here I see you
Getting red over a slip of the pen

Forgiving fade away
Absolutist abolitionist
Too scared to take it,
Yet, too lonely to leave it

She winked at me
With a teary eye
And a whisper to be
Close are your fluttering lashes

Watch
As the dew drop lady passes

Every distance
Is not near
Keep your eyes open
For soon
Your dreams will appear

A present of misfortune
Each word a perfect cut
The grass was as soft silk
An end with no period penned.