you nearly hit me
you know i have a problem with that

of course i flinch and of course you say sorry
then you just move on with recklessness
with no regard to me

you edge closer and closer
to leaving a bruise on my face
but you don't care
as long as i don't flinch
you don't have to apologize, it'll all be fine
in the end,
right?

this big white monster taunts me,
tries to grab my ankles
when i walk past it lying there on the floor

this big white monster holds me
and says it's sorry for scaring me,
that everything will be alright

this big white monster crinkles and folds
after all the words i wrote down
didn't sound right
eraser mark after eraser mark
and i decided i would destroy the monster
who stared at me blankly

who gave this big white monster
the right to be so gentle?
who gave this big white monster a soul?

who told my big white monster
that it was just paper
and a few pencil marks
nothing more?

here i am
attempting to use your favorite pen again
even though i know the ink is gone

i tried finding love, the kind that came from you
even though i knew the well
had long since run dry

i suppose i should've learned my lesson by now
but i also know that it's too late
i'll just run back to see
if maybe the pen has magically
gotten new ink

then back to the well
as if it could be full
even if the pen was completely dry

you know,
i have this pen
that i borrowed from somebody,
i don't even remember who it was,
but i kept it,
i still have it,
because i knew that's the pen that you liked
that exact brand,
the same model,
the same ink,
i couldn't get rid of it,
even after the ink ran out,
i kept this stupid meaningless pen,
the one without purpose,
just like i kept these feelings,
i'll keep holding onto them for you
in case you come back
and you need them
like you'd need your favorite pen

bad weather will stop travel

but another rainy day in my head
and everything keeps going

i'm stuck standing in the middle of everything
like the whole world is moving

and i'm just here

still

where i was before
where i always will be

i wish i hadn't let go of you
when i had the chance to keep you

i wish i didn't love you
when there are so many better people
people who would love me back

i wish it wasn't like this
but i guess it it

it's not even that deep poetic black inside me anymore
it's just murky brown

i've been trudging through a swamp of feelings
none of them good

and now my heart is murkier than the water
i've been walking through for so long