Every time i look at the lights on my ceiling i think of you and every time i smoke a cigarette i try to smoke you away

mist in the morning sky is what I wish you were but waves in the ocean is what you are and day after day you're there

and as much as I try not to look at your house when I pass your road I do

moments without you are like millenniums without you

I'm having trouble breathing with the thought of you pressing at the center of my mind and your hands feel as if they're wrapped around the front of my throat

I don't see much anymore except the color of blue just like your eyes

trying to **** the pain of you is tearing me down
I'll be shredded trash before I know it

I go to the ocean a lot these days to try to block the noises out like the sound of your voice in my ear canals every half a second

its a shame you don't love me anymore because I'm having trouble loving anyone else

My body's in sync with his, moving to the rhythm
but my minds off chasing the thought of your yellow-gold hair and ice blue eyes

he keeps asking if it feels right
and its so hard to lie
because I miss your hand on my thigh
so now I'm trying not to cry
I can't get air with hair blocking my windpipe

id like to tell you you're ****** in the head and you've made my life hell
but its hard to say ****** things to ****** people that you just so happen to love

I hate how much I miss your loud, obnoxious voice
but I remember how much I love the sound of it when you're speaking so quietly
and the way your hips curved underneath my finger tips
and the way you explain such difficult situations with such simplicity

its bad when every love song reminds me of your face

and your lips are like coming home after a long trip away

I think the most odd thing for me is
I can't steady my breathing

I either forget to breathe
or breathe too quickly

I'm sure its because I think of your face and your body and your lips on mine

this isn't healthy

I'll **** myself to
make you feel whole

I'll lie to make
you feel alive

I'll hold my
breath and turn
myself blue to
make you feel
brand new

I'll wish my
life goodbye
to make you feel
self-confident

I'll bleed pints
of blood to help
save you

Trickling blood became a common scenery for me

It was once a promised high,
Something I looked forward to at night

But like everything it got boring and when I tried to split my skin in two to feel something after you, I was numbed
Your face is shown in my nightmares,
Mostly you die

Slitting your throat is your favorite game to play

Your body is pressed to mine when a gun shows and blasts your brains on the wall behind us and I'm left supporting your limp body

But sometimes you call me to the top of a building and you say goodbye, I cry, beg and plead, while you lean backwards, drifting down the bottom of a sea of people

Stop haunting me

My knees are shaking
and my palms are sweating, which they never do, but because of you they happen to be

and I'm going to slice so far into my skin that I'll be gasping for breaths because you're leaving me (or you've left already)

I'm not so sure I'll get through the night
but I sure as hell can try
even though razors and pills and nooses are clouding my thoughts

because if there's one thing I can do its let you go and still be alive when you come back

Day six; 6/15/14
You doing this feels like torture

I think you want me to tell you I hate you

I cannot and will not, nor do I

but I'm losing my mind and body trying to patch you're brokenness