Every time I made a mistake,
I'd tear the paper,
Throw it away,
Take a new one,
And start again.

I'll rewrite my story,
Again,
And Again,
And Again-
Until there were no flaws,
And only happy endings.

I cannot eat my anxiety-
I will only throw it up.
I cannot cry about my eating habits,
I will only get angered.

If I consume the food
I see right now,
It will only come out as river
From my lips.
But if I don’t eat
I will starve.
I guess
Hunger goes both ways.

I could drink, however,
Or down my pills.
They only control the sane part of me.
Rather, the part that can be controlled.
But, they don’t know about the other side.
The side that plots plans,
Plans to do things I shouldn’t.
The side that believes in the wrong things.
Convinces me I am never worth it.

I overdose,
Hoping it will demolish that side.
But sometimes,
That’s not all it demolishes

Which leads to sleepless nights.
Where I only wake up earlier than before,
Until sleep is an enemy.
Sometimes I know I can’t do it
So I lock myself up tight
Only to stop breathing.
I wake up with slightest of amnesia,
And I always wish it would’ve stayed that way.

Which takes me on the path to depression-
My greatest fear.
Dull mornings,
No light comes through.
The night is day-
And it stays that way.

Beauty stops existing.
Hatred to the world and me is all.
This is when throwing up is ok.
I just wish my heart and soul would
Resurface as well.

Endless crying,
Hatred.  Anger.
Sometimes I get happy-
But it never is real.

No one wants this-
But it had to happen to someone, right?
And it had to be me.
At least, not everyone is like this.
Not everyone is demoralized as me.
Times like these, I Look forward to death.

One less broken person in the world,
Disordered and all.

Anybody read her poetry yet
she's an artist
a word smith
a true poet

Anybody know her joy yet
she's a lover of words
she's good at crafting and toying with words
she's a timeless poet

Anybody know her yet
nope, I don't know you
but I know your words
full of peace and honesty
charms and divinity
love and heartbreaks
undoubtedly you are a phenomenal magnificent poet
mad love and respect for you

Dear Lover,

I still wake up at glorious hours to meet what we once had through nature. Remember the sunsets we watched together? I still gaze at them with the same intensity I had when I looked at you. I wake up early in the brisk cold morning seeing darkness but finally watching the light brighten through my blue curtains making a sea of colour wash over my room. The shade you love.

How are you? It's been a while. I'm a little lonely since most of my friends have moved away. On the bright side, I’m moving on better. I've met a couple of guys and the crying has stopped a whole lot. I get out more than I used to. I visit the places we went together from time to time. You know how I used to write in that red book that you gave me on our first anniversary? I still have it and take it with me everywhere. I use it so much that the edges are getting softer and you can see a couple of coffee stains (sorry). I go out to the park daily and write whatever comes to mind in there.

Sadly, all I write is about you.

The first time you saw me, I was waiting for my mother to pick me up. I remember so well seeing your body rise from the sunroof with your friends. Do you remember when your eyes locked with mine? That look you gave me that I had witnessed a million times? I remember, and I miss that a lot. When you took me on car rides just to watch the sun rise and set? I miss that. You waking me up each morning with a phenomenal kiss and arms for me to fall into? I miss that so much. How about all those times a grey cloud hung over me, but you were there to cheer me up? I need that now.

How can I help it? You were the one that looked at me as if I meant the world to you. I craved your presence because you made me happy. I needed your smile just to make my bad day better. You were there for me when no one else was. I apologize if I’m not your one. You might not need me but I need you. You don't deserve me, but you have changed me so much. I guess...I guess I’m not quite over you. I’m sorry for fighting, I’m sorry for being stupid. But know, I did it out of care. I....I am so sorry.

So, I ask you for one more chance for me to show you I love you. How is it that I only feel butterflies and nausea around you but you don't anymore when you're around me? This love simply can't be one sided. I saw the way you looked at me, and the way you acted, and everything. The sparks and fireworks were booming on my side. When I met you, I saw fire behind those beautiful eyes. I saw determination. I saw a strong connection, and felt it through my every vein. Have you moved on from that? Please say you haven't. I need this so bad, please understand that. I need you so bad. You mean the world to me, don't you get it?

If you loved me then, can't...can't you love me now?


Sincerely,

The Girl Who Still Loves You.