i'm sitting in a corner
with tears streaming
down my face because
i thought i'd finally beat
my illness but it turns
out you can't beat
yourself and now i
don't know what to
do because words pop
out of my mouth and
i don't know them until
i hear them and i'm
terrified of being victim
to my own words and
thoughts because how
can i escape myself

the birds were singing
and the stars gleaming
the spot was beautiful
and perfect for a
secluded movie and
stargazing

that's what i
asked for anyway
but it was your
birthday and
you had other plans

i was so naive
not dumb because
you'd been so
sweet, so reassuring
no signals that
you wouldn't listen

but you didn't

and with each
no, the birdsong
faded while the
terror flooding
my veins
grew to a roar
in my ears

until it was too
loud to hear you
and much too loud
to say one more
no

and apparently my silence
was a yes

You said you were
Only trying to give me
A new experience
But you lied because
All you wanted was
Someone to use someone
Too innocent too
Desperate to say
No and even
Then you ignored
It saying it’s for
My own good as
Though it’s a
Sacrifice on your
Part to steal my
First kiss with
**** and fear and
You said that it
Was for my own
Good but what
Good was it 7
Months later when
White cars gave
Me panic attacks and
I was too scared to
Say no because he’d
Just do it anyway and
Maybe if I was
Polite he would
Listen but
I was wrong and
No meant the same
Thing to him as
You and he pushed until
I was too scared to
Say no anymore and
I‘d told him
About you so he
Decided to recreate the
Scene in a white
Car in a field at
Night when no one
Knew where I
Was because we
Were gonna watch
A movie and watch
The ******* stars
I just wanted to
Watch the stars but
You knew me well
Enough to know
That my lack
Of no wasn’t a
******* yes because you
Knew that I
Use my *******
Words and if I
Wasn’t talking it
Wasn’t a yes it
Was me too
Scared to say
No because you’d
Get mad and
Take it anyway
And so it was
Easier to pretend
That it was a
Yes than accept that
Once again no
Didn’t mean no
And I had been
Robbed for the
Second time by
Someone I
Trusted again
So when we
Say no means
No and you say
Duh think
About the fact
That I’ve tried
No two times and
It didn’t make
A ******* difference
Because he took
It anyway

We went ice skating
And got ice cream
So I thought maybe
We could do more
Cute things but
How ******* stupid
I was to think
That my suggestion
Of watching the
Stars would actually
Be used and I thought
—Why the **** did I think—that
Maybe you would keep your hands
To yourself
But you didn’t
And when I asked
About the movie
You told me to climb
I’m back so we could
“Cuddle” but first
You had to grab the
Condoms. you looked
So proud of yourself
But I was terrified and
You told me that was
Normal but I said
No so you
Whined that it was
Your birthday and
I said no and
You got angry and
So I shut up so
You wouldn’t hurt
Me but you
Did it anyway and didn’t
Give a **** that
I was shaking
And never said
Yes or that I
Was bleeding and
It hurt because
You said that was
Normal but I said
Stop and you got
Mad so I
Shut up

I just wanted to
Cuddle and watch
The stars

The rain went pitter patter
Leaving droplets in your hair
The stars and moon above
Showing your beauty beyond compare

Granted you’re rude and sassy
But there’s not much I can do
Because everytime you text me
I just end up falling for you

I dream of ivy covered walls
And a garden in full bloom
Where we can escape for a day or year
Hopefully quite soon

After the fiery sun goes down
We sit and watch the stars
Snuggling in a blanket we whisper
Sharing our delicate scars

And although it’s kind of scary
Somehow I feel safe and warm
Knowing that someone will be with me
Even in the worst of storms

even though i
have work to do
and haven't been
able to do it
because the words
were stuck now
i can't do it
because the words
are flowing and
i need to get them
out before i
lose them forever
so once i have
all the words
down i'll
do my work but
until then
I'm stuck writing
poems because
i need to recall
how i felt
right now in
twenty years and
i won't remember
a stupid assignment
but i need to
remember this because
who am i without
my words

when i can't
write i rhyme but
now the words flow
freely thank god
because for a
week now
i've been going
crazy with all
the words stuck
in my head but the
connection to my hands
was broken
so they just got stuck
inside fluttering and
bugging me
and now they flow
like a river so
i don't have to
rhyme instead
i just write freely
finally

the moon is
gone tonight because
she came to let
me know that
you are sleeping soundly
so that i
can sleep peacefully
knowing you are
safe and when
she's delivered the
message she returns
to her place in the
sky so tomorrow
our well-rested bodies
can fall asleep watching
her dance through
the sky

the words die as
you lose your breath
to my kisses
but the words
float up to
the stars who tell
the moon so she can
whisper them to me
"i love you too"
so i trace them
on your skin with
my fingertips
and press your
lips to mine

Cliches are only
Cliches because they
Are actually real
And we’re the sun
And moon baby
Not just our
Skin but our personalities
And emojis
Your heart is
Blue and mine
Is red
When I use
Puppy eyes
You send
Smiles and knives
Which are now my
Favorite emojis
Because they remind
Me of
You

Ok so all my
Friends are asking
If I took my
Meds because I’m
Bouncing off the
Wall so excited
That I got the
Prettiest girl in the
world to like me and
She finally helped
unblock my hands
And now I can write
Her all the thoughts in
My mind that
Have been stuck
For days
I think she’s
Magic

Your hair’s a mess
And your eyes are squinty
And your curves come only from your lips
But that’s okay
Because I love it
You see them as
Deterrents
But I know
That every part of your body
Deserves kisses
To know that they are loved
Because where you see frizz
I see time spent learning
So I can help you tame
The physical representation
Of your spirit
Uncontrollable and free
And where you see squinty
I see eyes that are
Smooth and perfect
for me to paint in eyeliner
And where you see curveless
I see a body perfect to
Snuggle small enough
To envelop completely
In my arms
So no you’re not
Perfect
But boring is boring
And you’re anything but

I’ve already said
That there are no words
To describe my emotions
For you
But here i am
Scrolling
Trying to find one
All the same
I screenshot and
Send
My favorites
But none of them
Tell of the music
That brought us
Together
Or my father
Who lets you stay
Your mother
Who calls you a
Disgrace
But loves me
So maybe
There’s a chance
We could work
While our dads hunt
And our moms talk
We can venture
Out into the
Sunset together

I keep reading poems
Searching for one
To describe the complete
Overwhelming calm I feel
Knowing I can call you later
Knowing you’ll be there
Knowing you’ll wait
Knowing I’ll wait
Knowing for once in my life
That I don’t have to worry
About being a side project
Or second choice
Not because of a lack of choices
But because I’m your choice
And that brings me peace
That I can’t put into words

once i write
i can finally calm
my brain, my body
even my palms
such a small part
but when they shake i can't
make anything work
and my progress is scant
it's crazy how much
my illness affects
my breath, my basic
functions reject
the orderly thoughts
that help me live
the illness withholds
and instead it gives
chaos and anger
anxiety and joy
sometimes it's not so bad
but other times i destroy
my relationships and body
my grades and life
leaving behind
nothing but strife
when will it stop
when will the pain end
maybe if i stop thinking
and start to pretend
that i'm sane and not crazy
and know who i am
then i can start being the lion
not the lamb

usually the
writing helps
but this time i guess
i need something else
maybe some ****
would be okay
alongside it
throw my meds away
they're obviously not working
so what's the point
i've asked for help
but they just disappoint
apparently meds don't
fix everything
instead i'm supposed to
find different means
to keep myself stable
on my own but
then there's my mind
that affects my gut
leaving it in knots
a giant snake
maybe it should go
in the oven and bake
until is mushy and
breaking down
at least it wouldn't
wrap around
my lungs and
make it hard to breathe
now at least
they'd have a reprieve
despite all this
i still have to write
so that i
do not lose sight
of everything
i love like i usually do
when mania gets
its grip around the few
things i know
that are actually real
sometimes i can't tell
what my brain steals
keeping reality hidden
is it life or a dream?
sometimes i don't know
and so it seems
like i'm crazy
even though
crazy people don't wonder,
that i know.
or do i?
maybe that's another lie
that my brain told me
so it could continue to fly
out of my control
even though it's me
somehow i'm both
trapped and free
by my own body
or is it my mind
maybe i'll never know
maybe i'll never find
the truth about whether
it's real or fake
whether or not
my mind did take
the memories and change them
modify them until
they're not even the right colors,
like they took the wrong pill
it's too much like me
and my lack of control
over my mind
which is the ultimate goal

they bump the meds
add some more
but still my feet
bounce on the floor
can't sit still
but which is it?
anxiety or bipolar
either way I'm sick
usually writing helps
the noise
but other times
i just annoy
myself and others
though i try to stop
suddenly i feel
my stomach drop
i wait until  my brain
goes pop
til someone grabs my
head and chops

the ones in my head
the ones around me
all of the whispers
turn to screams

and then i scream
because it's all too much
and now my head is bleeding
from all the screaming
and all the bleeding
turns to glitter

she calls them "sconds"
with a short "o"
but if you look at
the word "stones"
and substitute
the "t" for a "c"
you'll find
that it's "scones"
with a long "o"
because that just
makes sense

stone
hone
lone
tone
zone
scone

see? it's scones

what if you knew
that i'm not lazy
just exhausted
not physically
physically i could go
for hours
but mentally
i battle everyday
so those times when you say
"we're all tired"
just keep in mind
that there are different
kinds of tired
and they aren't equal
because a lack of sleep
doesn't equate
to a lack of control
of your thoughts
and words
and actions
and mind
because that
is more exhausting
than any broken
sleep pattern

but i guess i battle that too
so please understand
that i'm not lazy
i'm just sick and tired
of fighting myself
everyday
of laying in bed for ten minutes
and then accidentally
falling asleep
because my limbs
don't listen to my head
and the obstinate voice
saying "stay here"
is stronger than the one
asking me to listen
and do as i'm told

i know it sounds stupid
and childish
and selfish
and i know that
but i can't change it
i don't know how
and  no matter how
often i see the doctor
it always comes back
that little voice

that's when i sink
and the voice takes over
so please understand
that when i'm exhausted
i'm really asking for help
because i'm too tired
to help myself

You hear me screaming
in pain
in anger
in stress

but you don't hear
the voice telling me
to let it all out
and get it over with
so the pressure goes away

and I can't hear
the voice begging me
to keep it in
and stay quiet
so the peace will stay

one more push
to make it through the night
when you wake in the morning
there'll be love and light
when you go back to bed
don't be afraid to fight
I've seen it and you'll make it through
eventually you'll be alright

my fingers fly
tring to catch my thoughts
crap i wrote that wrong
but now its gone
i'm left with half a word
new sentence

but there goes that one too

it's garbled
like talking underwater
but going much faster
like a foreign language
i don't even get it

they're really going now
stuck in my legs
my fingers
there's bees and butterflies and moths
beating their wings
desperate to get out

if they get out
I can paint them
make room for more
these ones in my head
look at the ideas

god they're beautiful
if only I could catch them
but they flit away too fast
so the painting blur
mashed into a conglomeration of colors

the buzzing turn to music
flying away delicately
my fingers grow heavy
and they escape

the only ones I catch are dead

Who the hell said
you could keep
a 12 year old boy
locked in a bed
for over a year
stuck with his head
and all the thoughts
he seems to dread

"No touching no contact no hugs"
       "Okay fine whatever"

But secretly we talk
through the walls we knock
and then before I walk
to go home
we hug
I get a note
a sad smiley face where her wrote
"I will miss you"
but the words stuck in my throat because I wasn't sure if he would learn to
    float

or drown in his mind
where the monsters live
but they don't protect him
instead they give
thoughts of blood guts violence....
loneliness
hopelessness
abandonment
anxiety
sadness
­desperation

how will he escape?

maybe he won't

he'll give in
and settle with
the names scratched on the window
in glasses, pencils, paperclips
the bulletproof glass
always taunting and teasing
but never releasing
never pleasing
only squeezing
until he's wheezing
his last breath
finally leaving

You said you'd help me live my dream
Instead you trap me until I scream
Loud enough to wash you clean
Of all the things you think of me

Left on my own you think I'll drown
But really truly I need the sound
Of music to play and keep me down
From floating too high up off the ground

When I float it seems so grand
I don't need a single hand
To hold me, protect me from the land
Of my mind that's filled with biting sand

And what happens when you let me go?
Do I run and jump, magically better? No
Instead I fall and crash and so
You reel me back into the throes

Back to the stained white walls
And sterile silent deadly halls
That should keep away the thoughts that call
Me to push until I fall

How can you protect me from my brain
Fueled by the blood flowing through my veins
The chemicals messed up broken insane
Leading me to fly away with the cranes

i'm shrinking
call the doctor
                              please
Actually I'm fine!
                             help
Feel fantastic
                             no
I've got energy and happiness
                             i'm still here
More than you can believe
                             i need new meds
SHUT UP
I'M FINE
Good
Now who's ready for a ride?

i thought i was floating
flying high with my manic wings
but it was only an illusion
painted by my mind
if my own mind
lies to itself
who can i trust?
no one
"no one" i hear
as i crash to
the ground
as my feathers
shed like icarus
i sink into the quicksand
that is depression
i watch it consume  me
too exhausted to fight
i only sigh as it overtakes me
one final breath
freedom.

i lost my book yesterday.
i find that without it,
i have nothing to say.

for all my time is consumed
by the thoughts that claw their way through my brain
rather than the flowers that usually bloom

when i can escape from my chain
into someone else's
messed up brain

i see you standing,
just at the edge of the field
where i frolic.
you patiently wait,
knowing i will trip again
waiting to be the one
to pick me up
knowing that i know
when you do
the pain leaves
and i so gladly take your hand
and walk
away from the colors
to be wrapped in a blanket of ...

nothing

a blanket that soon turns to mist
and i realize
i know you.
i have seen you before.
and you make it so easy,
so easy to sleep
and never wake
because though you take the pain
you take the happiness, too
you take all that
makes life worth living
leaving me numb
and then, you leave.
now, i am alone
with nothing

nothing


nothing

until the nothing
you left me with
consumes me.
i become nothing.

i cease to exist

tears slip
silently.
no one sees.
slowly, the numbness
consumes me
and my world turn
from technicolor
to muted greys

i scream
my face a gruesome contortion
as i cry for help.
i scream until my breath
leaves my body.
only then do i realize:
my screams were locked
deep down in a soundproof box
where nobody could hear
but me

you don't see my cracks
but that doesn't make me whole

i am trapped
in a prison of flesh.
flesh that i do not claim.
does a prisoner claim her chains?

"i'm fine"
i say
as tears pour
from my eyes.
you hear
"i'll be okay"
but i know i won't.
this morning,
another thread snapped

they never tell you
just how terrifying
nothing is.
when you long
for pain because
the, at least,
you wouldn't be numb.
how you long to cry.
you will the tear,
but they will not come
and so you are trapped
but unable to feel,
making it impossible to escape.

the higher you float,
the further you fall.
would it not be better
never to float at all?

SNAP!
the final thread.


i am no more

if only i could sleep
forever, never to wake,
then, i could find peace

what do you do
when the monster is you?

i fear not the monsters under my bed
but rather, those inside my head.

i suffocate.
my own flesh the chains
that bind me here.
my own flesh the cloth
that slowly kills me.

if only i could escape.

i scrabble for purchase
as i strain to find light in this pit.
the pit that suffocated me.
the pit now destroying me.
the pit that is me.
and every time i move forward,
i slip back.
until finally, i succumb
and let go.

i fall.


down




down








down.

CRACK!

NO! no... please
i cry out as the weight settles,
slowly crushing me,
once more suffocating me,
my body too broken to move.
until, again, i succumb
to the endless sleep that awaits

Oh, to sleep
and never wake.
For what more could one wish?

i couldn’t tell you the number of times they’ve told me
my family of seven
numbers only five.

i couldn’t tell you the number of times they’ve told me,
“they’re NOT YOUR BROTHERS.
lydia is your sister, but they’re BLACK.
they can’t be part of your family,”
though all three are adopted.

i couldn’t tell you the number of times they’ve looked
at my family as if it is BROKEN,
believing there’s NO WAY
those two little boys with DARK skin
belong in that family with WHITE skin, brown hair, and blue eyes,
the perfect depiction of a german family.

this is my REALITY.

it TERRIFIES me,

watching them look

watching them
see
   nothing
               but
                      the
                           skin
                                 that
                                       is
                                          darker
                                                    than
                                                           their
                                                                   own.

no one ever questions that my little sister
with her FAIR skin is my sister,
but when they see my brothers,
they don’t understand how we’re related.

in what world do we live
that this PREJUDICE is allowed?
in what world do we live
that JUDGING people simply by their color is acceptable?

they say that it isn’t,
that they don’t do it,
that they know black people—are even friends with a few—
so there’s no way that they’re RACIST.

and
    yet,
          it
      happens
                             every
                                         day.

we see it on the news all too frequently
but brush it off as insignificant,
somebody else’s problem.

PHILANDO CASTILE.
TARIKA WILSON.
LAQUAN MCDONALD.
REKIA BOYD.
OSCAR GRANT.
AIYANA JONES.   
ORLANDO BARLOW.
SEAN BELL.
MICHAEL BROWN.
YVETTE SMITH.
BOTHAM JEAN.
ERIC GARNER.
TAMIR RICE.
GEORGE FLOYD.

maybe you recognize these names.
these names are only a fraction of UNARMED african americans—
men, women, even children—
KILLED because police FEARED
the COLOR of their skin.

how can we allow this to happen?

they excuse racism, claiming it ceased long ago,
saying that because there are laws against segregation,
that because those laws were enacted,
people automatically follow them.  

then
      WHY
                 do
                     you
                            know
                               ­       these
                                               names?


i hope to one day live in a world
where I don’t have to fear for my brothers’ lives as they grow older.
a world where I know
they won’t have to fight RACISM and PREJUDICES while following their dreams.

i hope to one day live in a world
where we see more than just the color of someone’s skin.
a world where we can learn to ACCEPT and LOVE,
appreciating diversity.

i hope to one day live in a world
where my family is seen as just that,
a FAMILY. a WHOLE, LOVING FAMILY
regardless of the color of my brothers’ skin.