It's a crazy thing
love, fear, instinct, self preservation, human interaction.
I loved you for so long
and the thought of losing you killed me.
I thought, surely,
if you were gone
I wouldn't be able to survive
if you were taken away from me, that is.
But when I chose to leave,
everything becomes okay, for me at least.
you were still gone
but it was my choice
and you don't affect me anymore.
Isn't it so strange
how the simple choice
of you being taken or me letting go
is the difference between acceptance
and depression.

This is a hard stone world that we live in
Where air gets covered up by cement
And bugs get squashed on windshields!

Death runs in my family,
And it might run in yours

It runs and plays its taunting games-
Tagging passers by

But never staying long enough-
For them to say goodbye

They only suffer In agony
In sickness but not in death

Beware when death runs in your family
For it might run into you next

How to destroy your daughter in 14 easy steps

1
Give her a pretty good childhood
let her fall in love with playing outside
with running and exploring

2
let her fall in love, with a boy
let her see him everyday
let her text him every second
let her love his every movement

3
take him away
ban her from ever seeing him
talking to him
loving him

4
watch her cry--
and pretend it's not your fault

5
take away her outside
she might see him there
take away her exploring
she might find him there
take away her ability to run
she might run, into him

6
tell her ‘you were too young’

7
tell her ‘you were too naive’

8
tell her ‘he wasn't right’

9
tell me I'm old enough to date

10
tell me/ her* she's not allowed to date

11
Wait--

wait for her to fall apart so bad that she doesn't realize she is broken
Wait,
for 3 years
until she asks for therapy

12
pretend like you care

13
pretend like you don't know why this is all happening

14
it doesn't matter what you do next,
she's broken--
I'm broken.

I am trying so hard
to not let you
let this
be a toxic relationship.

And that

Should not be my responsibility


I don't want to tug-of-war
over weather I should just
be your girlfriend
or if I should be your mother

You don't need another mother
You have the right to do what you want
when you want
Because you're an adult

But I can not let you
use me
As an excuse
to let yourself go

I can not let you
Let this relationship become toxic

I wish that I could
And I've honestly tried
But for me to just watch you ignore your priorities
in order to spend time with me
or goof off next to me
If I could do that
if I could just let you do that
That would mean I did not love you

Because for me
Love is complete care for the other person
love means I care about your mental health and your sleep schedule and your grades and your work
because love to me means
that every aspect of your health and well-being is my top priority

So as much as I want
to let you worry about yourself in your own time
I can't!

I can't talk to you at 11:30 p.m. when you have an essay due at midnight

I can't sit next to you while we study
if I know
you'll spend that whole time trying to get my attention

I can't let you sleep over
when I watch you play on your phone for the two hours we set aside for studying
and you have a test tomorrow

Because I can't love you
And not care for you...

If what you want
Is a relationship
that will distract you from all of your other priorities
You should be with someone else

You should not date me
I can not give that to you
I can not
And I will not
Be a part of a toxic relationship
Whether it is toxic to me or to you.

The kind of relationship I can have
is one where we help each other get through our day
and get through our tasks
and when the day is over
we can escape with each other
-to each other-
to our own little world

Death brought my family together
In some ways
We're Kinder to each other
We say I love you more
We talk more

But not about us
Its always about you

It's been a couple of months since the cousins and I have spoken about anything other than the funeral

Where were you when you got the call?
What were you doing?
How did you react?
You thought it was a joke at first?
Really you wanted it to be a joke!

Who did you tell?
How fast did you drive?
What did she look like when you saw her?
Do you remember the last thing she said to you?
Has she said anything to you since--?

Death brought my family together
But not in a way I would like

Did you know,
Boys from other countries don't think girls have cooties
in 7th grade that sounded great
Because ‘Lee’ Wasn't scared to stand close to me
or admit that he lied to me
okay maybe not all foreign men were like this,
but he was
it made me feel empowered when a boy like me like this
I felt like,
“yeah, I did this to you”
“I have the power to make you feel this way”
“I am that ******* awesome”

You know what else made me feel
“that ******* awesome”
A school dance
or any kind of dancing for that matter
nothing could bring me down from that high

dancing was never a thing reserved for one person
dancing was for friends
Was for anyone I could drag onto the dance floor
Who would move with me
even if the movements are few and far between
even if the movements didn't look pretty at all
we were dancing
and we would all night

‘Lee’ went to that dance
that 7th grade dance
Right after football practice
he came in late
found me on the Dance Floor
captured me
took me hostage
We did not dance
he sat on the bench

he sat way too close, on the bench
The dance was no longer for friends
it was not for dancing
the dance was now for fake smiles
fake laugh
pretending not to be uncomfortable
not to want to shed the layer of skin he was touching
Choking down the icy pop he bought
I don't eat icy Pops

There was no Rescue Mission
only uncomfortable stairs
uncomfortable hugs
Uncomfortable conversations
Uncomfortable,
favorite/not-favorite part of the year

Did you,
know boys from other countries
can intimidate
a girl with the world at the tip of her fingers
A girl with a glass half-full,
heart overflowing,
selfless,
Pure,
Altitude.
Clean,
Mind.

Did you know a boy who isn't scared to Hold Your Hand
isn't scared to make you uncomfortable.

Thank you!
You've done so much for me without even noticeing.
To you, I was probably just some girl you didn't want to be rude to,
and that's fine.
Because that's all I needed to be
for you to be what you were to me.

My first girl crush.
My first Butch bubble of an infatuation.
You were one of the best things that could have happened to me,
the first person who was what I wanted.
So all I can say to you is thank you.
Even if you'll never hear it.

Know that you are beautiful!

Its strange
I thought I was home

But now I feel like home is curled up next to you

"People often are the reason I break down"

"You shouldn't give people the power to control your emotions"

"you arrogant ******* you're a horribly insensitive father"

Push...

(in a loud voice)
"DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY! GO TO YOUR ROOM"

"Dad-- don't give me the power to make you angry. Control your own emotions."
"You Ignorant *****"

I miss your skin on my skin
It feels like home

Cut my arms
Please
rip into my flesh
like sharks to meet
turn my skin and muscles into shreds
let them dangle from bone
Like scraps for the dogs
tear me apart
leaving scars
wherever you go

because when I come back
when my skin grows again
and my muscles regenerate
I will be stronger
and I will have scars
over my entirety
to prove where I've been

The plush of my ***** waist and thighs attempt to pop every hemline and button in my wardrobe
My body is to Wholesome my flesh is too engulfing
and for this I roll over each elastic and my thighs Bust from my stockings
and my love handles and stomach squeeze over my waistline
and my back and my ******* make Pillsbury roll bra straps
and it looks like there's so much extra meat in too small a sausage tube
and it looks like I just kept blowing into the balloon
and I don't feel too big and I don't feel like my clothes are too small
and my body just doesn't fit in them the way they used to
I feel like how beautiful must I be to have this much extra to give that my stockings can't even hold the juice of my thighs
and my pants spill over with so much good batter
and my back rolls like Silk have the luxury of keeping my back from being straight like a board

for I do not know what I would do with a smaller body
if I could feel my leg bones and see my ribs if there was a gap in between my thighs if my hips protruded taking my pants along with them if my collars made soup bowls.
I dread what I would do with such a hard body how would such hard edges fill out these worshiping stockings

I'm restless
and tired
my bones ache
and my head throbs

I feel like energy is still draining from my fingertips
from my elbows
from my back

draining into their grasping
tiny
clammy
hands

I feel like there's not enough energy to lift my eyebrows

my jaw is sore
and my throat is swolen
and there's no more voice left inside me

like they've taken all of it already

my eyelids can't move as much as to blink
they're stuck in a Perpetual state of slightly open
with an unending glare behind your head
through your face
like you were a ghost
A thousand yard stare

there is nothing left of me

but I love the people who took my everything

the tiny
clammy
sirens

and they're not even mine

You kissed me,
Harder than you had before

You left my lips
Numb

You squoze me
Buried your head deep in my chest

You left me standing there
Unaware of what just happened

You called me babe
Over and over again like it was a checklist

You left,
Unattached from everything

You said you were sorry
In a useless attempt to pull yourself back to reality

You left me,
Shell shocked

You drove off
Reckless enough to **** yourself

You left me
scared

i never play it too safe
i jump in head first
and hope for wings to sprout

because even if you fail
have you ever seen anything more beautiful
than watching the world
as you fall, infinitely, downwards

I wanted you home
for so, long-I wanted you home
and 6 years later you were ready
and it was too late
I asked you to come home before then
because I knew time would get away from us
and it did

you left and you didn't come back
and I went to the funeral
and I asked if God was there
Through all those years of praying
because my prayers didn't do anything
and time ran out
and I was too late
or maybe you were too late--

it was all too late
and I went to your funeral
it was all too late

I woke up
I knew that it wasn't too late
but it also kind of was
you were still alive--

but not here.

You Hypocrites

You happily dating for 28 years,
Happily married for 20

You highschool sweethearts,
You childhood lovers

You hypocritical children,
With your hypocritical love,
And your hypocritical happiness

You **** proof of young love,
And young relationships

You
You
You
Tell me that I’m not old enough

You **** hypocrites