A "mother" is not only a woman that gives birth to you

A mother is...

someone that supports you
loves you unconditionally
accepts you for who you are
make mistakes
argues with you
wants the best for you
makes sacrifices for her family
and so on

Sadly

that's someone I didn't get
Yes
I have a mother
but only because she gave birth to me
She automatically gets the title
but in my heart she doesn't feels like a mother
especially MY mother
She's only my birth giver

I feel like a stranger in my own home
Even though I have both my parents
it only feels like I live with single parent

Because of her
I cringe when mother day comes around
Because of her
I hate receiving rewards or getting ready for my game
because she is never there for me
Because of her
I keep all my accomplishments to myself
because when I told her about it she didn't care
Because of her
I hate my body and developed symptoms of anorexia  
all because when I was little she constantly told me I was fat
when I really wasn't
Because of her
I'm scared to say emotional speeches
because I watch other people thank their "mom" for being their for them
or turning our the way they did
me
I freeze because I have nobody to thank besides myself
Because of her
I hate myself
I don't feel good enough
for her
Because of her
I don't know what love is and I try to find it in others
Because of her
I want to
die
Because of her
I cried today during my therapy session
because I was explaining to my counselor about my mom
I cried because
I realized how alone I really was
and how I really don't have
what you call a "mother"
She asked me what hurts the most
and I replied
not having a mother

A lot of things are
Because of her

My heart breaks every time
I hear your name

I'm trying to convince myself
that things are not how they use to be

But behind my denials are hopes
that there is a chance that things can
be like the old days

if only they were

Will I ever get better ?
Be honest
Can you actually heal someone as broken as me ?
Are you saying all these lies
So I have something to hold onto
when in reality I'm just holding onto nothing
Or is it so you can say you helped me
when people start asking questions
on why I committed suicide
But please be honest with me
will I ever be ok?

I lost my best friend
and I hate to admit that I miss him
and I know he doesn't miss me
just by the way he looks at me
its not the same anymore
I'm just another stranger in his eyes

**** man..
I miss you
only if you missed me

I don't understand ,what do you want from me ?
You always walk out on me and slams the door behind you
or leave it open
sometimes I leave it open waiting
maybe you will come back home
When I start to close the door , you knock and I let you in
and you leave again
sometimes when your gone
I set the table for two
because maybe you will come back  
but theres just to many hello's and goodbye's
I don't know why I keep opening the door for you
even when you walk out and slam the door and drive away
I set the table for two
and make your side of the bed
because I'm still waiting for you
But everytime I open the door
and let you in
you always hurt me and leave

one day, just one day

when you knock on my door
that door won't be opening
the day you leave again
there will not be a table set for two
or the side of your bed done
there will be no more waiting
there will be no more hello's and goodbye's
I see it in your eyes you wanna run
but I know you dont want to let go
you know what you want
but I know what I need
the lights on my porch will be off
the doors will be locked

No more knocking
no more coming and going
no more waiting
no more me and you
no more
that door will never open for you again

Now
your sitting on my porch
waiting

I'm a writer
I'm not the greatest writer
I'm not a famous writer
I'm not a sophisticated writer
But I am a writer
I love the fact that I am a writer
I dont need to be the best writer to be one
I consider myself a good writer
I was born to be one

They fell in love
And everything went great
But as time went by
things started falling apart
And they started knocking each other down
One day they went there separate ways
The way he was acting
Convinced her that he didn't love her anymore
So she moved on
They fell out of love
And found someone new
But one day
They bumped into each other online
Not knowing they fell in love once
They didn't recognized each other at first
But when they talked
It was an instant connection
They fell in love all over again
The love felt same like it was in the beginning
As if they were meeting each other for the first time
Again

They tell me that I am strong
No, I'm actually not strong
My heart is strong ,not me
My heart is the one that been shattered multiple times
but its still pumping blood , its still keeping me alive
if it wasn't for my heart I wouldnt be as strong as you think I am
My heart is the true fighter here

She says " I want to die"
many people question why
she can't help to think about suicide
she feels like that's the only escape
her love ones say it gets better
so she waits
she says if she leaves it can take away the pain
and she will be walking with God down a golden lane
she tries to take the meds
but then she thinks about what would happen and taking her pain away by suicide
Then she realizes if she kills herself it wont go away
it will spread, to her love ones
it hit her
she collapse and cries
knowing she can't take her life
she won't get to experience life
and knowing its not a fairy tale
she doesn't live twice
she wont be able to see the good that actually exists
knowing she will never escape
that she will never be in a better place
knowing she can't sin
knowing she can't lie
knowing she can't commit suicide
shes just stuck in this world
she starts to become more sick

Its been ten years
shedding old tears
no one cant help her
she's already sober
she is just sitting in the chair
looking out her window waiting for this to be over

Looking into his eyes
The first thing I see is you
I see you crying
Watching me look at him
the way you wanted me to look at you
While tears roll down his cheek
I know what it feels like
To watch the person you love
Fall in love with someone else