i so desperately need to kiss you
right now
i not only need it emotionally
but physically too
i feel it from my chest to my toes
im aching to kiss you in every bone of my body

i need you to tell me things
and i've talked to you about it, on that walk over the hill
you always say you'll talk about it another time, but that time never comes
and i can see you hide your hurt with humor but i know there is real pain deep in you
you are so special to me and i want you to trust that i will hold your words safe
i would never share your precious words to anyone
i share so much that is difficult to share but you don't and the non-reciprocation hurts
i cry sometimes when i know you haven't told me something
when you and her whisper and i am standing right next to both of you
i feel ignored and left out
that feeling of loneliness kills me
it makes me wonder what's wrong with me
i smiled through my tears when you called tonight
you don't know how much it hurt me but you can't know
because what you're dealing with is so much more important
but i'm selfish and i care about my own stupid emotions
but want to understand yours
i want to uncover your layers
and see what i can't
and i know it's not your fault that i am so ****** up
but if you'd open up to me
so that we could be ****** up together
i'd like that

b.s. was a learning experience
i want to say that I don't regret it
but I do
all of these words stung together used to have meaning
but I reread them and feel nothing

b.s.
those were his initials
but they are also what our "relationship" was
*******

you know the feeling where something is good
but there's also that little feeling that comes along with it
that's how I felt for the month or so that we dated
I said that I loved him but I know its not true
but you see
there's this new person
so much ******* better
it's actually incomparable
I don't know how to explain it
but my other poems seem toxic now
I don't even want to read them again because it will make me think of that other guy and I don't want to think of anything but this new perfect specimen

i haven't eaten much lately
thats the first thing i noticed
i'm sure I'll feel better eventually though
it's more of an ongoing dull pain rather than a sharp one
but it hurts so badly
and it hurts everywhere

it sits like a candle in my head slowly burning the wax of uncertainty
except i don't know when this candle will finish burning
every time i try to blow it out it burns me and i scream in pain
for i am unable to control this candle right now
it has control of me

there's a certain excitement, i think, when something is new
every time you see it, it glows with newness
i think this is the same with people too
they're the first thing you think about when you wake up
the last when you go to bed
and they also glow with a newness
but unlike with things i buy
i don't want this person's glow to fade
right now they are shining, so brightly
i grin when i think about them
and i'm never not thinking about them
but i don't want their light to flicker out
i don't want to look at them and see a burnt out dim bulb
i want them to always be the brightest person in the room
i want them to light up the world
because they have already lit up my darkest rooms

i am stuck in a crowd and i cant get to you
i try to run but can barely walk
my hands grasping shoulder to shoulder trying to keep my self afloat
afloat in this ocean of faces, each feeling more and more like sharks gnawing at me
i beg my legs to kick to swim away from the sharp fatal teeth
but just as i can't run, i can't swim
my legs move in slow motion as i look for you
all around me there is chatter
people are talking and listening to each other
but no one can hear me
every one has blinders on blocking me out
i desperately look for you but i don't see you
i whisper to myself "where are you"
i scream your name and hear no reply
i can't even hear myself
my mind forms a haze
i look down to my hands and can't see them anymore
they are blocked by the fog
a fog of panic
of terror
i fear i won't wake up
i fear i have lost you

it was just one week
you said it feels like love
I said it's just one week
it overwhelmed me
me heart rose and feel with my emotions
I spiraled
swirling and stirring
I wasn't ready
I'm still not
I so desperately want to be, but I so dearly am not
three weeks isn't long, but it feels like the best kind of forever
it must me special or it's not real
I think
but is that possible in just three weeks?

but now eight weeks have gone by
I said I loved you but I didn't
I haven't even thought about you
and I'm not even sorry