I had planned on going out
To drink a little too much
To bury sense and love
Between the legs of lust and sin
I stopped at the bookstore
In between home and my night of debauchery
Drinking money in my wallet
Words in my hand

I nearly cried

Reminded of the injustice
That spreads its ugly colors
Throughout our human history
Just the thought of what so many had no choice but to endure
Just to survive day to day
The lives lost to hate and ignorance
Mothers grieving their children
Killed over nothing other than their color
The death toll only outweighed by the  burning blood of racism
Poets writing greater truths than lawmakers and politicians
Words filled with more love and compassion
Than the man wearing his false robes of god
Preaching condemnation while committing crimes against our children
Our ***** history at our fingertips
Sitting on the shelf
So much horror
So many more disgusting stories crammed and pressed between the pages
Not enough time in one life to read it all
My heart not big enough to forgive it all
And the only thing more haunting than the past
As I sit and look over these books
These lives
These minds
These hearts
Pages bleeding with pain and grief
As I look out the window on the second floor
Of this store

I nearly cry again

I see a world still stained
Still betrayed by hate
I see a world that hasn't
******* changed

I leave the store
My wallet empty
My heart heavy
Tears crawling out
And I drive back home

"Why do you always walk around like you're in love, when you aren't at all?"

"I am in love.
I'm in love with the flowers I pet,
I'm in love with the smiles of the awful people in this town,
I'm in love with the sun on my neck,
the ground under my feet,
the fact that I've been alive for this long,
the fact that I could die at any second and I'd still laugh at a pun.
I'm in love with pain, because it let's me know I'm alive.
I'm in love with thrill, because it makes me feel invincible and fragile at the same time.
I'm in love with every skin cell I've ever touched.
I'm in love with the way the world changes without me.
I'm in love with the eclectic bodies I see.
I'm in love with naivety and wisdom.
I'm in love with domesticity and wilderness.
I'm so in love with my surroundings, I can't help but show it."

I'm at the park on a beautiful, white-sunny day.
I'm with my loved ones, I see them playing in the sand.
My eyes get that lovely ache from the bright sun,
and I am warm, dry, and sleepy.
The wind tousles my hair softly,
I have dandelions in my pocket.
My head is hot and my feet are not.
I could stay this way for the rest of my days.

New bench, new scene.
Cooler wind, more green.
I smile at the leaves and yes, they smile back.
Ducks in the stream go quack quack quack.
Under my **** it says "NATE + MANDIE FOREVER".
Somewhere I wonder if they're still together.

This doesn't fit..
Where in the hell can I find one that fits?
Uhhh...
I know others have them,
some seem pretty obvious
but, I feel a great sorrow for them.
Although, I guess I should just go look in a mirror then, huh.?
I don't want to,
so I wont.
Not until I can find one that fits..

Do you have one?
Do you know where I can get one?
I need to know,
you see, people can just take it off
although, It's not reusable for anyone else,
It wont fit,
It only can for that one person.
Only them as an individual.

I've asked before,
In my own kind of way.
where they've gotten theirs
but, they seemed confused

"friends
people"

"You can't just get one,
why would you even want one?"

-I just do.

"Is it for you?"
"Is it for them?"

-Don't ask.

I leave and go home,
I should look in a mirror..
Maybe that will help determine a size.
I'm afraid to tho..
whenever I look, it's never the same as the pictures
not anymore.
why are the pictures on the wall so different?

-finally face to face

I feel my skin
I look in my eyes
although, every time I see another guy..

-wait...

I think I found one,
what I've been looking for,
and I've been wearing it all along,
masquerade I endure.

I try to take it off,
it's really sticking on tight.
The skin finally rips,
I see myself in sight.

The pictures looked the same again
just a little bit dim,
In fact that's the same face.
Its just always been hidden.

I couldn't believe it though,
That's what I looked like.
I almost forgot..

I've had what I was looking for,
a mask to cover my face.
What I didn't know was,
that the mask was fearsome itself.
Had it almost consumed me entirely,
While I was looking for a new one..
or one in general.

I can see my face again
all grey but, with circles of light around my eyes
a glimmer of hope.
I no longer see that other guy.
the mask can only fit once
so it's all okay.

This is the last thing I can say,

Just don't lose yourself under your own skin,
Always know there's another day.
Never forget there's another way.
To express towards others or yourself,
That you have the strength to admit for help.

Just look in the mirror
tell me what you see,
are you wearing a mask?
or are you free?

I stay up at night, late into the AMs riddled with guilt
Over how I grew too fond of one petal plucked flower
Watched it slowly rotted,decaying praying not to wilt
As I admired what once were stems in a indelible vase.

I hear of the ambience, lit up in a different hazy smoke,
Forced to let what I feel cascade into obvious oblivion,
Keeping clear calmness behind a messed mask that chokes
As the days drew long and the nights drew even longer.

Sunrise doesn't rise soon enough, and sunset sets too soon,
For fiery shadows built a furnace from my cold walls,
And before I could awake to the moon, I awoke to noon,
As you held every bit of a different burning candle light.

I'm sorry that I paved the pebbled pathway that you walked,
If I could reverse the sands, unsift across my hands,
Or captured every droplet of grain, wishing it wasn't caulked,
But I made the road that you tread on with you feet.

I'm sorry that every step you took only led you further,
And though I know you didn't want to be near after time taken,
I had hoped I could watch you stay afloat on a life preserver,
Rather than watch you drown, taking nothing but yourself.

I'm sorry that the days drawn out a different tale,
If I could bend time and stick it back together,
Just to make things better and watch as things unflail,
I'll always know I tried my best to give you my shoulders.

I set fire to your life, watched the smouldering ashes cast away into the air,
And for that I am sorry.

The days and the nights, just a blur
The days and the nights
Just a blur
You thought there was more to us
You ask why
You ask
Why
I can't reply
But baby please
But baby
Please
Don't leave me tonight
One little storm can't put out this light
One little storm
Can't put out this light
I tell myself, this will be the last time
But time after time we find ourselves here
But time after time
We find ourselves here
Who's to blame
When the storm rains on us it pours
When the storm rains on us
It pours
Don't pretend to have no shame
The rain is relentless these days
The rain is relentless
These days
I hope that we can see this through
You and I
You
And I
We both know
One more storm like this
One more storm
Like this
Will be the end of it

☁️