My bones are hollow like a baby birds
I cannot hold much weight on my shoulders
Due to the burdens that have already made their homes there
When I see you my bones shudder
Sidewalks shivering inferior to an earthquake
Trees shaking in the midst of your hurricane
Your presence alone in the same room as me
Turns my once still body to a constant tremble
I do not want you to leave
But I do not want to perish either

I return home in a gaze
And I think back on
The way he holds the steering wheel
Arm stretched out like a bridge reaching for direction
I think back on
The way he turned and looked at me
In effort to explore the decaying garden in my head
My body was aching to touch his
My mind knew better to keep my head down
I think back on
His smile that lit up the dark insides of the car
I know that it has been said time and time again
But man, if only you could see his
It would change your whole perspective on what light truly looks like
I think back on
The road in front of us
The sound of the engine humming in my ears
The distant melody of his breathing
I know that this sounds insane
But sometimes going insane is the best way to love
I think back on
His eyes, like a car crash
I know I should look away by I cannot bring myself to do so
I wonder if you see disaster in me as well
My heart beat turns pouring rain in my chest
I never did appreciate looking into them everyday
Now your eyes are a precious sight, an infrequent gift
I will try not to take them for granted
I think back on
Us, you and I, together
I am not as capable as I once was when I had you
I find myself aching for the sunlight in your arms
My love for you now is like an apartment I cannot afford
A love that will take you down
There is not a day that goes by where I do not question myself in the name of you
I swear if we love again, I will love you right
Though that is deemed on the brink of impossible
I will never lose hope
Real love never truly does

In life I have come across a pattern
When your mind is feeling free
And the rusted chains that once bonded your heart have fallen
When the last candle is lit and your eyes are adjusting to the light
They will appear, slow and unexpected
Their name will creep up it will seem like an innocent accident
They will not even think of your disposition when they call
I know that I should be over him but mind has found itself falling underneath matter, I am feeling backwards
I am convincing myself that I am still okay, I am not
Let the words of me being happy for him burn up my throat as they fall out of my mouth, I try not to stutter
The gasoline pools underneath my tongue and I manage a smile
I know that this is for the better
A friend of mine told me, "He had to move on sometime"
He did, and I am glad he did
Because I know what it feels like to wait on someone
And I would hate for him to endure such an agonizing thing

When you want to tell him you miss him
Hold your tongue like you are hanging onto a ledge
You are saving yourself by not letting go
When you want to tell him you miss him
Listen for your inner guidance
You know what it will say, your heart cannot bear
One more rejection
When you want to tell him you miss him
Think of why this all came to an end
He used to be the one filled with apologies
Look how the tables have turned
When you want to tell him you miss him
Think of her name, think of the girl who stimulates his heartbeat
Think of how she is nothing like you
Think of how her smile is plastered on every vacant space in his brain
Think of how he is missing her in place of you
When you want to tell him you miss him
Don't, let the words slide down back into your gut where they belong
Do not give him the leverage
Let him think that you are missing someone else too
Someone else who is not him

I am waiting for a love worth holding on to
Each tick of the clock reverberates throughout my body
I often try to convince myself that I can find love on my own if I look hard enough
But real love is the kind that you do not have to search for
I have learned that scrounging up what looks good enough
Will only teach you that you should not build a house out of scraps
Sometimes I try to color myself different shades to fit into someone else's art work, sometimes I forget about my own color
Because we all want to be what everyone wants
But we end up wanting everyone and not knowing our own name
So I have decided I am waiting
Patience falters every now and then
But I know someone will see constellations in my birthmarks soon enough so until then I promise to do my best in not painting over them
I will find myself in my abstinence, regain all of my strength that I gave away in beds that are not mine
I know that eventually  someone will notice that light on my skin even if it does not shine that bright to some
A light is still a light no matter how brilliant it may look
This will not be an easy journey for me
I tend to hold my heart out in my hand and anyone who reaches to grab it, takes it, I hardly ever put up a fight
I love too easily for someone who wants to wait but I do
I have sat by too many telephone, received no phone calls, resulting in too many damp pillows and tears stains on the sheets of paper that I write about those whom I love on
I am waiting for someone who will fill me with joy more than they put me in agony
I am waiting for someone who will kiss me and not taste past lovers on their tongue, someone who will not be able to kiss me without smiling
Someone who will love me when I am a still day
Someone who will love me when I am a hurricane
I know that uncertainties are abound in life
And I know that this waiting may never truly end
Though while I am here, loving myself in this isolation I will think of how I will love you, the man whom I know is out there somewhere
Perhaps he too, is waiting for me

Loving you is like explaining where we store and access our memories
Like trying to describe what water tastes like or the color of a mirror
It doesn’t make any sense at all, it is difficult to decipher
Collectively bleeding from imaginary cuts that you do not even know that you gave me, you thought you did nothing wrong
Brushed away the uncomfortable silence on the car ride home
Listened to the humming of your engine as if it could drown out the sound of my heartbeat that quickened at every red light
I am not strong
I am all bark and only bite on accident
I cannot fight back because I am afraid you will abandon me as if you haven't already, I am trying to convince myself that you are still here
Is bravery supposed to feel like you guts trying to slide out of your fingertips
I am so scared to talk to you because I worry you will mistake my name with hers, I am worried you will do it on purpose
It is hard to speak confessions in other accents
So why am I trying to tell you I love you in her voice
I will stop bringing your name up in cups of coffee
Pour in the sugar, let it taste too sweet I will cringe at the bitter aftertaste
I know that this is not going to make me feel any better
I am pacing my steps trying to get away
Will not stop running until I stumble
My legs are crumbling beneath me it reminds me of your walk
How your knees grow weak at the sight of her
I am sorry I am not her kind of beautiful
Forgive me for loving you despite your love for her
And I will try to forgive myself for the same

When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel a hole forming in my chest
My heart was digging to the bottom of my ribcage
So they it wouldn't spill all of its secrets
I imagine the word "yes" flowing from my body
Like water pouring from my lips
When they asked me if I loved you
My jaw crumbled like wet sand
My tongue and breath did not remember
How to work together in order to form words
I did not know how to lie to them
It's like I can feel my teeth begin to decay
When you acidic name slips through them
When they asked me if I loved you
I hope they would try to tuck the question back into their pocket
Maybe if I stayed quiet long enough they would
The uncomfortable silence was beginning to be noticeable
I never meant for this to sound so much like shot gun
When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel the pressure against the walls
The flood was far to overbearing
I will love you until I don't anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I told them that I didn't
Simply because I find it useless to soak
A bath of room temperature love
When you mix hot with cold
The climate is never pleasing
I have learned
That when someone asks me if I love you
To always say no
Just to resist the risk of the words traveling to your ears
I cannot bear for you to know that I still love you
Even though you have left
You have filled something in me that is still full
Even though you are not here anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I responded calmly
Acted as if it was a punchline I saw coming
Acted as if it wasn’t breaking my spirit in two
Acted as if I was fine with answering
"No."

a lady lights a cigarette
glowing red cherry
lips, puffing without
regret
a cigarette, burning
smoking, grey breathing
choking and
tap tap the
falling ashes

it is over with
a definitive flick —
a lady lights a cigarette
she can see her spirit
dancing in the smoke

They say to
write what you know
but I'm just so
sick of
tragedies

When you realize that the person you love
Loves someone else
It will hit you like a plane crashing into a building
You will be unsure if you should jump
Or stay inside, holding on to something that will keep you sane
Have to decide if it is worth the torment
Her name will be in every headline: car crash, robbery, news paper
You will avoid going out so you can pretend she isn't real
Her name is a new born that the family passes around
You will discover that she loves everything that you love
That everyone loves her
It will not be easy, anything having to do with love never is
Love is a word that gets stuck in my throat
You are not sure how to let go
He is the only one who forces your colors to the edges of you
He is what it feels like to fall and land on something soft
My love for him pools like gasoline in the back of my throat, all it takes is a match and I'm set to flames again
When you realize the person you love
Loves someone else
Do not panic
Act as if it is only a change of season
Leaves that were once vibrant in color will turn brown eventually
Act as if it you saw it coming
Act as if you were used to not being loved in return