I find myself on concrete ground in the pouring rain
I find my lifeless body lying on the cold wet pavement stripped of dignity
Stripped of pride
Stripped of hope
Organs scattered about on the ground with some missing because
honestly,why would I need them?
Why can’t others just take what they need from the Jane Doe in the pouring rain?
She’s not using them
No blood can be found simply because bleeding is feeling and I’ve been numb for months
In its place you see the striking confidence mixed with the everlasting wit flooding out among strands of ***** blonde hair slipping away with the rain to its final resting place far far away from my lifeless corpse
I find myself wearing all white and semi-holding a small white flag to counteract with your many red ones that I just began noticing
They were in your actions
They were in your dialect
They were in your lingering glances
Flags of bright crimson and ones the color of sweet wine forever in the hands that at one point fit so well with mine
I gave in to the storm
I let the hurt surround me like as if I am the eye of the hurricane and the world is consuming me whole
But you’re safest in the eye of the storm
Watching all the black and grey swarm around you as it destroys the innocent earth

Maybe I’ve always been the eye and I am now drifting into the storm itself?

We were in your dad’s truck. I am so endlessly in awe with you. I am putty in your hands and thought nothing of the vehicle. It was then I remembered that I hadn’t been in a truck since my father. The man behind all of my trauma.

I was wearing my sunglasses and lip syncing to Weezer with your brother in the back, no one would know about the tears streaming down my face as I remembered the abuse and the sleepless nights caused by a white pickup truck and a tall man that gave me my blood type.

No one but me will know the terror I felt as he ran red lights with rage. No one would know the pain in my legs and arms as he dragged me out of the truck and onto the hot pavement on a sunny day.

Your golden smile as you sang your favorite songs offkey (because you know it makes me fall for you more) couldn’t distract me from the flashbacks. No one can calm my busy mind, not even a boy with blue eyes that gives you his heart. You will only know love from the man that showed you nothing but pain.

I did the best that I could do
The ball is now in their court
One cannot simply force leadership on someone
Nor can you force change on one
They must grow on their own.

Self care is leaving

Its leaving the boy that doesn't know how to not hurt your feelings and cannot care less that he did. It's knowing that the second you do leave so many people will look down upon you. So many disappointed in you for breaking his heart.

Self care is knowing

It's knowing that the boy that your zodiac signs match a whopping 12% with will not work. Its believing the stars and putting your faith in them since your faith does not call to god. Its hoping that the boy you match with 99% will be better.

Self care is running

Running into the new boy’s arms that you fell so endlessly for. The one that always sneaks a kiss. The one that always makes time for you even though you have one of the busiest schedules in the world.

My mind is at war with my actions
Running and running
Dodging mines at every turn desperately trying to keep you happy knowing that one wrong step I will explode into tiny bits and pieces,
amounting to nothing as I once did
My heavy boots I pick up with every step I take knowing when I get to you I will regain your trust for the evening
Shooting me down each night in every ***** of my body with your hateful words knowing that your country will win the war in my head and I will forever lose
Falling asleep each night with fear that someone else could take my place
Knowing that your ego could fill the entire desert
My blood pours out of my body as my words do on the page describing what hell I am experiencing being under your command and how I desperately need out

But you cannot just simply
leave the war.

you say that the zodiac means nothing, but you have not seen the toxinity of two star signs that should have never collided.
a toxic relationship. it begins with their happiness depending on you. your smile fueling their existance into the night and hopes of seeing it in the morning. their aura consisting of depths of neverending black, you drown yourself in. their black swepted hair matching perfectly with their blues eyes of sadness. it continues with your sadness matching yours, two people barely hanging on to the world. you find yourself wondering why you are wasting your time with a 12% chance.

Pushing you up against the nearest wall with the devil in my eyes
Kissing your lips and your neck
You forgetting your name
Quiet moans that I take from you
Sliding your hands up and down my body as you kiss me back just as passionately
You miss her
Forget your ex
I’m here with you in the moment  
Forget your religion
God can’t save you from the demon possessing me
All you want is me and I consume all of your thoughts
It’s not love but it’s close enough.