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Dig
Ashley Rodden Mar 2014
Dig
All that I thought was solid ground
Is caving in around me now
I've tried to turn the other cheek
Just to get slapped in the other one
It's okay for you to hate me for things I've done
I've made some mistakes but I'm not the only one

I could never be what you wanted
You pulled me under just to save yourself
And you will never understand what's inside me
How much I could take was always the question
So you kept feeding me *******, hoping I would break
Now you know the answer.

It's all coming down around me
Do you even care at all?
I have no meaning, just a rhyme
As the dawn fades to gray
I'm left feeling uninspired
As you no longer mean a thing
You were like a slow cutting knife
As I drink from your poisoned well
With no home and nothing left to sell
I know why I'm in this hell
I just don't want to believe
That you could do that to me

I've got a cold stare as the wounds still there
But there ain't much left of me to bleed
Your short fuse
Is your own worst enemy
Because I have all these things that dig at me
Like your sickness that attaches and multiplies
No matter what clever medicine I try
Wish someone would just dig me up
From under the **** that's covering the better parts of me
And fill in all the holes of your empty apologies.

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Ashley Rodden May 2014
Good intentions don't mean a thing, if that is all they remain..
Ashley Rodden Aug 2014
I've been walking alone
Waiting for someone like you to come along,
To take my tortured heart by the hand
And force me to become strong
I'm so tired of hiding behind this
Smile I'm forcing that even
I don't recognize anymore
Do you know...
I'll never have all the answers and
You'll never have enough time,
But we'll sure have all the reasons
Why this isn't what we wanted to find
Do you know...
I'll never lay all my cards out even if
You just want to play because,
These days everything's all business
And there's a lack of arms around me now as I sleep
Do you know...
Sometimes I just want you to paint my face
And pretend I'm made of clay, to just start over
So someone could sculpt me into a better shape
Because I can feel myself slowly falling apart
So won't you come take a walk in my shoes
And maybe you will see then that it's not so easy
Trying not to love in spite of me...
Did you know...
Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night
Then it hits me and I can't believe this is my life...
Why do I make it so hard to love me?
Why would anyone even start to try?
Because I can see all my bridges burning now
As all the smoke is in my eyes...
Do you know....
I just wanted to always be right
But I've been wrong from the start
I've waited for you
Tried to make you happy
Closed my eyes and let you fall apart
And I wonder what you think you could possibly know
About breaking down that I don't....
Do you know...
It's been a long time since
I've begged for anything
But I'm begging you now
To lay me down on this bed of rust
I'm lonely help me shake it off like dust
I know you don't understand me
And you'll never even try...
But just know...
I don't mind killing all my time as long as
I can lay here by your side
And see that look in your eyes
The look of confusion and lust
As I remove this iron smile
That's been weighing me down too much
And when tomorrow comes
It will be just one more day that we don't find true love
Because we don't know what it means...
Ashley Rodden Jun 2020
Sick of staring up at the ceiling
How'd you change your mind just like that?
The only way to get past this feeling
Is to tell myself you're not coming back
I don't wanna love you anymore

From the start, I never thought, I'd say this before
But I don't wanna love you anymore

I can't forget, the way it felt, when you walked out the door
So I don't wanna love you anymore
Sometimes I just wanna talk for a minute
But I can't bring myself to call
Because I know that your heart's not really in it
And whatever we had is gone

There's no reason, there's no rhyme
I found myself blindsided by
A feeling that I've never known
I'm dealing with it on my own
Phone is quiet, walls are bare
I drink myself to sleep, who cares?

No one even has to know
I'm dealing with it on my own
I got way too much time to be this hurt
Somebody help, it's getting worse
What do you do with a broken heart?
Once the light fades, everything is dark
Way too much whiskey in my blood
I feel my body giving up
Can I hold on for another night?
What do I do with all this time?

Every thought comes when it gets late
Put me in a fragile state
I wish I wasn't going home
Dealing with it on my own
I'm praying but it's not enough
I'm done, I don't believe in love
Learning how to let it go

I drive circles under street lights
Nothing seems to clear my mind
I can't forget
It's inside my head, so
I drive, chasing passionate nights
Nothing seems to heal my mind
I can't forget, you
What do you do when a memory haunts you...? When feelings won't let you go?
Ashley Rodden Dec 2013
Come to see him
when you have no right to
Come play daddy for a day
does that make you feel good?
Run and tell your friends
that you're a father
because you like the title
Put on a happy face and smile from ear to ear
Talk like you know him
for everyone to hear
Talk like you have always been there for him
Hold him as if he would recognize your touch
Watch him through your lieing glazed eyes
and hug him way too much
Kiss him and tell him how much you care
Tell him you love him before you disappear
Turn your back and walk away like he never meant a thing
Tell him your his daddy
when he don't even know your name
I see you swell with pride when you call him your's
when you play with him like you're the one he adores
You're the definition of fake
You're a lie and nothing more
and your son knows not who you are
So tell him that you miss him
And that you'll see him soon
Lie to him again and again
Make empty promises
that will never come true
Laugh at all the silly things you watch him do
Act like your something big
Like your doing something good
Does it make you feel like more of a man?
Does this feel good to you?
Hug me before you leave and tell me that you're sorry
Hold me like you really care and
Tell me you still love me
but don't dare look me in the eye
Because you know I'll be able to see nothing but true lies
You're a drug addict
A lowlife in it's truest form
So go back to your shameful life with your *****
light it up and take another hit
Let it burn and try to let yourself forget
Wallow in your self pity
and hang your head real low
Cry until you drown yourself because
You won't see us anymore
The damage you have done can never be erased
So live with the few memories you have of him
that are burnt inside your head
then close your eyes and sleep with your pride and regret
You have made this bed and in it you will have to lye
Waste yourself away to nothing
as you slowly dissipate
You are nothing to him
and you're nothing to me
so overdose on us as you take your final hit!

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden
Ashley Rodden Aug 2014
If you have to eat McDonalds
all alone
when you have a boyfriend
then what's the friggin' point....?!
Ashley Rodden Jun 2014
The only way you fail at life
is if you **** yourself
otherwise you're still living.
Ashley Rodden Apr 2020
Wish I would have met you a long time ago
before all the bad things got bestowed
When I still had diamonds in my eyes and your heart was made of gold
Way before our innocence was lost
Back when I was a princess
and you were the dragon slayer I was waiting for
When I still wished upon falling stars
Before we got so many scars
Back when I was still soft and sweet
Before I became just another piece of meat
When I would pluck petals off any flower I saw
just to see if anyone would love me after all
Back when I still daydreamed and wished on falling stars...
Ashley Rodden Aug 2014
I want to scratch these words onto pavement
When I hear your voice saying
Reel me in then you disappear again
Left on my own
This is what it feels like to be alone
All I have now are these words on paper
You wrote them down just to erase me
Afraid to show yourself
I was never for sure how you really felt
While I kept track of time that was already spent
I always came up empty handed in the end
Try to forget it but you left scars everlasting
It won't leave my mind and I suffer slowly
Like being punished for all the lies you ever said
How do I execute my feelings so you understand
The silence hurts my soul
You just want what's best for you that clearly shows
And I'm left with crying eyes because
You can't erase a sin
Your sweet nothings were so deceiving
Nothing left to say that hasn't already been spoken
You don't need me  
Like I want you to
And you can't see me the way I see you
Just wish I had you like you have me
When I was lying on the floor
I can't believe you wouldn't save me
But you blame me
You messed with my mind
And I wasted your precious time
You said you would never let me down but,
We are so unforgivable now
Ashley Rodden Apr 2018
You want to talk about stress?
Like I know nothing of it
heart left hanging like a necklace
The farthest thing away from an emotional investment
You don't want this.
Might look good in your head
But I'm a monster.
I've caused more pain than I can even count
'Cause I wanna die like a rock star
All alone in my lost thoughts
Can't live how I want to so
I spoke no lies when I told you I'm a lost cause

I'll eat your soul...
This is what I do
so go on and hide because I'm just like you

You wanna talk about luck?
How no body loves you and your whole life's f'd
Because I was born to be crushed
And enjoy what it's like to be thrown down in the mud.

You should just stay where the sun shines
I don't wait for the fun times
but I savor the laughs
I drop dead at good bye and lay straight in my casket.
I wanna live where the blood dries
A lot quicker than some like.
Without a bit of guilt
Sit right here until the next one comes by

But still your gonna go and try
And show me a different life
And get eaten alive
Ashley Rodden Feb 2014
I am lost, being someone else
and I try to **** the pain but nothing ever helps
I've always hoped to find myself again someday
Hoping to find my own light that will shine the way
But, will I ever find my true heart...,
When I'm stuck living in this dark hell..?
It's time to make my own way into this life dressed
for success and doing ME for once, knowing
I cannot fail.
Because I'm tired of giving into what you think is best
and I'm tired of being lost,
It is time to find ME, no matter what the cost...
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Scary stuff  :/
Ashley Rodden Jun 2014
Did it feel good?
Did it feel right,
Getting your rocks off one
***** at a time?
Was it wet and tight?
Did it taste divine?
Did you writhe with delight?
Did she scream your name,
or take it in the ****?
Did she tell you how good you felt
when you were deep in her gut?
Were you so proud of yourself
and what was done?
Was it so fun?
Was she so hot?
Did you feel like a real man,
or have you forgot?
Was it fast or slow?
Did you take her from the front or back door?
Did you *** so hard it made you high?
Did it hurt falling from cloud nine?
Was it sweet and salty?
Was it a ****** or did you last forty?
Always so *****,
A man with all his glory.
Sorry about this write it's raunchy I know, but had to get it out I was losing sleep over this one...:/
Ashley Rodden Mar 2014
I lied to you
You deceived me
But what would love without forgiveness really be?
I know we were not perfect
But nothing ever is
All I know is I seen you perfectly
The same way you saw me
We were perfectly imperfect together
And that was all that really mattered
Not the flaws that could be seen
But you forgot to forgive me...

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
I know sorry doesn't fix a **** thing but for all it maybe worth I'm sorry just the same.
Ashley Rodden Jun 2014
My love for you is blind
So how can I make you see it?
I'm only trying to bury the pain
Only trying to save you from it
I want to give you a safe place to hide
Maybe you could find it
If you looked deep enough in my eyes
There has to be something you can believe
Just let go of your defenses and
Come to your senses for me
What we have is so strong

I'll come to you if only in a dream
I'll rescue you like you saved me
We are damaged at best
Falling apart sometimes
Barely breathing with tightened chests
But in the pain I hope you find the healing
you need
All the lights are catching up to you now they are fleeting
And you can't put your insomnia to sleep
Because when you close your eyes all you see is
Someone you think you're never going to be

Let me bring you back
Let me make it right
If you crash and burn
At least we know you tried and
When you crawl the lessons learned
Will remind you how you survived
Silence is screaming in your face
Your past comes to haunt you in bad dreams
tonight
I know you wish to take back what you've done
But you can only change the person who you've become
And find a way to leave it alone

I know you're hurt and scarred
If only I could tame your mind and heart
I'm sure you thought it was going to be easier than this
I see your burdens
And they are too much for one man to carry
So just bury them inside of me
It's all so shallow and appealing
When you're over your head and drowning
In a sea of sarcastic faces and familiar places
Everything looks the same to you
It's confusingly amusing, bitter, and tainted
The picture in your mind that you've painted

I just want to take away all you have known
Everything you cannot have
And if you ever need some other love
I'll give you more than you can stand
You walk a thin line
Between what is and what could be but in the end
There's a crack in your crown
And it feels like your sand castle is crumbling down
Your head is filled with fairy tales
You've built yourself a pretty cage
Made of false expectations, illusions, and dreams
With all my strength I just want to bend your bars
                                                                ­                         And set you free....
Ashley Rodden Dec 2014
Lets forget what we said and give this pain a rain check
Like before,when we stood tall over callous sins
See,all your demons became mine
When i decided to fight on your front line
But now we're oceans away and
Our glory days go up in flames
And I, don't remember where it all changed
Feels like we're getting close to  an end now but,
Was there ever a doubt...?
We used to talk for hours
But u don't even hear my voice now
Can we forgive and forget
If only for the weekend?
Ain't it a shame how we let life change us?
We broke our promises
So, just cut to the chase now don't keep me waiting
Tie the noose and kick the chair away
At the start i was wishing I could be anything you 'd want but
I've been living with ghosts that haunt my thoughts and
Can't change it now, running straight from my past
We walk these same streets, but have different views
I see change, you see cavalier youth
So love me like you used to
When I couldn't lose you
At the end of this point is so much waste
You brought up my self esteem
Just to turn around and **** it back out of me
I know I'm broken, close to the edge
Why can't you just need me?
Why can't our love be what matters most?
So many things you can't decide if you want
Someone always has to sacrifice
Someone must realign their life
It can't be I
And it won't be you...
Ashley Rodden Aug 2018
He's trying to **** you
slay you
cut you down to the frayed you
wants you to be you but just not the real you
but the fake you with the plastered smile
chew up your soul and spit it out
swallow the key to your self esteem's door
take away your home
walk his walk
the walk of shame but you'll always be the one to blame
talk his talk, silver tongue
think the way he do
don't feel
don't have emotion
stepford wifey, plastic barbie
do as i say or you're ******* royally
You can't be you
Be broken with no hope of being put back together
And by the way only God can save you
And if things don't go his way look out
you'll be under his attack
under his thumb
numb
In fear,
so accept defeat on your knees
He goes for your heart and your soul
In a fight he goes for the throat
He's seeking to destroy any and all self worth  
How anyone dare defy him
you're always the crazy one
no one could ever love you more
No one is better
He'll cut you down
with his narcissistic, sadistic ways
and go for your throat with words that cut
like a double edged sword
Verbal abuse hurts.
Ashley Rodden Jul 2018
You're wrong
It's your fault
Don't blame me
Get on your knees
Pride
It's not me it's you
Round two
Why
Why, why, why
No hope
Start back at square one
Let's try this again
Blame
You, me
Sinners, sin
God war we begin
The bible says
God's word
In one ear
Judge
Harshly every sin
Commited
Forgive me but not you
Halalujah
Submission
Ashley Rodden Nov 2014
I want to be wherever you are because,
I was around from the start
And we've come so far
I still have only you in my sights
And I want you there the rest of my nights
I tie myself into knots
I get so lost in my own skin sometimes
But it takes time and it takes faith
To build the things this life can't break
And there's some nights we're worlds apart
But there's no goodbyes for us
We're wild ones at heart
And when you're gone
I've no one to lean on
And only you can light my dark
Because you're the better half of me
The only half I need
Mirrors, they lie to me
And sometimes you don't recognize me
Sometimes it burns but I don't feel anything
It only hurts a bit
It's easier to quit, harder to admit
You're pulling away from me
Laughing like it works
Bleeding like it doesn't hurt and I
Hate how I need you even after you
Tear me apart
But I'm always on my knees
Because you're the better half of me
I miss the old us....so much!
Ashley Rodden Jun 2018
From scrapes and bruises
to the familiar abuses
I kick and scream but it never changes a thing
I could spill my guts and wear my heart on my sleeve
But nobody said it was going to be easy
This is not the woman I hoped to be
I'm always just trying to stop the bleeding
I guess I deserve it
All my faces are an alibi
And it comes out wrong all the time
I don't know the words but I hum along anyway
There's nothing familiar to me anymore
I no longer feel alive
All I can taste is this sickness
And it makes me crazy
I'm in the same place I've always been
But I'm trying so hard not to be
So what am I? Who am I?
I don't want it, don't get it
Can't seem to surface, feel so ****** worthless
I'm desgised as an alibi and I'm half the person I ever wanted to be
Ashley Rodden Dec 2015
The vines of your emotions
Entangle me
I can't break free
Trapped in the darkness
Of your past history
The way we are
Is the reason I stay
I'm addicted to the *******
Of the pain
The hurt confines me
What your dreams are made of
Engulfs me in a nightmare
The lovers from your past
Grasp my feet and trip me
As I walk towards you
In this hallway lined with pictures
of your past memories
I'm trapped on this roller coaster ride
Called bipolar
Your words suffocate
And define me
The fear of not being good
enough to compete
Overwhelms my brain
But how can I win
When I'm paralyzed
Save me from the ones
who haunt you in the night
When I let you in you
you just want out
If i tell you the truth
You'd just vie for a lie
If you follow me
you will only get lost
If you try to get closer
you will only lose touch
i already know too much
But tell me that you love me
because i need you so much
I can't live with myself
or the
Salt you pour in these open wounds
and i cant heal the way
i feel about you
will the hunger ever stop
Your eyes like a car crash
and i can't look away
can we ever starve this sin
that kiss you stole
it held my heart and soul
like a deer in the headlights
i met my fate
if i try to fight this storm
i only tumble overboard
and the tides just bring me back to you
the waves pull me under
in this rough sea
of your past flings
consuming me
Ashley Rodden Mar 2014
This heavy soul that is downcast within me
Will it ever be freed?
Hurts from my past,
Trouble with present tense,
Anxiety about my unknown future,
Living in the House of Folly,
A foolish girl who knows better,
But if sin wasn't such a constant battle then
I guess grace wouldn't mean so much...
I think of the sacrifice that was long ago made
And your unwavering faith,
So I will cry out to you and trust in your power.
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Ashley Rodden Mar 2018
Here again trying to feel
Anything other than numb
Waiting to know when
I get to go back to normal again
Lonesome, broken, misunderstood
Not strong enough to stand
Reeling thoughts, tired mind
On my own just trying to be fine
Scared, dieing, crying
For a relief I never seem to find
Someday this pain will fade
And I will be whole again
Until then I need a friend, need to feel, need to feel relief
Defeated, ashamed, sick
Trying to find a reason to hold on
Because I don't want to be here
Alone, cold, unwell
Incomplete in the here and now
Ashley Rodden Aug 2019
If you want to know what i really think here goes nothing
I think you lie
I think you're selfish
I think you put your want's before your familie's
I think you idolize your hobbies
I think you have a problem with obsessing about "things" that don't really matter.  
I think you think your'e always right
And how could you not be because no one is better in a fight
You make others feel inadequate, that their feelings and thoughts are invalid.
You feel alone all the time because you have made it that way.
You run away from things that are too much for you to take
You martyr yourself about work
You chose to marry me and have a family but only when it's convenient for you
Ashley Rodden Feb 2014
I knew you were coming for the show,
And now here you are.
So, are you ready to see some magic?
First off you should know what you're playing for
Do this only if you're brave,
Because, mark my words this love will make you levitate
And you will have no choice but to gravitate.
Now the dice are in your hands,
Think you can roll a Yahtzee?
Be sure before you let go,
Cause once you're mine there's no going back to before me.
My love is so strong you would think it was on steroids so,
If you get a chance to fall take a firm hold,
But if you break my heart you will fear the reaper,
Because I'll turn cold as a freezer.
Like a fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor
I'll be your sleeping beauty
But you'll be the one in a coma.
This love is like a drug you can try to hit it
and quit it but I'm so dope
you will mess around and get addicted.
So, are you gonna be my brave volunteer...
Do you believe in illusions...
or think this is just all smoke and mirrors...?
Cause I got a hat full of tricks
and that ain't a rabbit up my sleeve.
Chris Angel ain't got **** on me!
Because, my love is so enchanted it's like
"Abracadabra"
And your heart will disappear...!
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Not quite sure where this one came from but it's been eating at me to get it done so here it is. :/
Ashley Rodden Feb 2014
How can I see where I'm going
When I'm left blinded by where I've been?
I'm hiding all this pain that I'm not showing
And I won't let you in.
This shame inside is growing until,
Only my mistakes are remaining and defining me as a human being.
The past has left me so broken,
That some of these wounds may never heal.
This emptiness inside has left me with so little left to feel.
These open wounds I hide like an addict,
Wearing long sleeves concealing what remains of the high,
your love has inflicted.
You have found your way under my skin, and
I could fight this forever knowing that I will lose you if I win,
And I can't take much more of this,
But I can't seem to let it go.
Now all the words I say just,
Fall on def ears with no one there to hear silent tears,
As I'm left with only dreams of somewhere I could hide.
This love is killing me, literally destroying me inside.
Everything I've known or ever thought was real,
Seems like it's been thrown away , now how am I suppose to feel...
I've tried to show you love, but it leaves you wanting more,
And all that remains are visions of the lives we're longing for,
Knowing that we don't want the world,
just a little space to call our own.
I want to quit all this but I don't know how,
All I know to do for now, is cling to what little hope is left  in your eyes,
And pray to God that never dies,
Because so help me, that's the only thing keeping me alive.
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Ashley Rodden Feb 2018
Take a look at my life
Take a look at my love
Take a look at my soul
You can't save me
And you don't even know

I got too many problems
And not enough solutions
A brain that makes people think I'm lost and gone delusional
Another sunken ship
Another stranded photo book with past's pictures plastered in it.
Holding on to heaven
While questioning why I feel so ******
And...
I've tragically adapted to this mindset.

God won't tell me if he wants me to live
Doesn't speak to me in the way portrayed in hymns
Don't breathe through me in the way that you say that you live
And don't treat me differently when satan insists.
And this is it.
Got to breathe life into this desert I roam in shame
Should leave frights window sill and leap from it's pain

And I can taste it.
As it all gets lost
But I can't register it's meaning until I figure out it's cause
So don't look at me like just another feather
Falling from the wings of the angels sent to protect you
I'm tragic,
And it shows
Blacking out before the rain comes and waking up soaked
I try to pretend that I'm far from painfully close
And face the displacement of hating what I faithfully chose
But this is obvious.
And that's exactly why you freeze
When you crawl behind my eyelids and see what I've been seeing
When you fall into my silence you find out what it means
When they say that it's the quiet ones that always want to scream
Hush,
It's not about words
Force fed holiness will only make it worse
The law drenched loneliness is scorching the burns
Of what God really feels like compared to words
Ashley Rodden Jan 2015
Once again I'll call your name
When my foolish heart quakes with pain
Mocking embrace, I push away, longing, aching for your company
I wither and decay with emptiness
Glass shattered eyes, bleeding so softly
Selfishness, hollow smile, cracks the foundation
Bleeding me dry
You walk through my halls and tear me down
******* some would say, but you feel like home to me
Winter mood illuminates, a foolish display
The last thing i do, regret
Silver tongue, crystal eyes, follow my piper
With my fear and shield of lies, completing my failure
Now my sins show the way to lasting impressions
Fading colors you have shown me
And your arms have led me astray
But you were always like home to me
I've seen through to what's within
Lost and alone you said I was what you were looking for
So why do I feel so empty
It all seemed so real, but I am nothing in your eyes now
Reaching out, you pulling away, never letting me in
I see you live your life, like a fool I stand here waiting
In letters, words, and pictures
You profess your love to me, but alas it's all lies
And the malice I should feel for your deceitfulness
Somehow always escapes me
And in the shading between all the words you said to me
I know I'd be left empty
Because you are home to me...
Ashley Rodden Apr 2018
I'm finding it hard to manage
Any close relationship without
The fear I'll vanish
All of this has been hard and
I'm not denying it
I'm just writing this as a product of my environment
So please listen
They say family is everything
Its more than just a house, a white picket fence, and a wedding ring
Its blossoming life and standing together through everything
Always trying to take the people you love with you when you go
But im a prisoner in my own body quarantined from my soul
Spitting in the faces of the ones trying to show me hope
Ashley Rodden Apr 2014
Got him wrapped around my finger
Constantly trying to change his ever impressive mind
Better watch how I treat him
He may lose his mind
He told me twice
Better watch for him walking towards the door
And not thinking twice about doing it
Guess I better bat my pretty blue eyes
And shake these curvy hips
Because love's not keeping him here

Love's just a game
No matter who thinks they win
The outcomes always the same
So before I pick up the strength I need to leave
Along with all the things you said
But would never do
I want to understand this thing we called love
Between me and you

You think you had me all figured out
But keep stepping Prince Charming
If you think you're one of a kind
Because if I told you once
I told you twice
You're pretty words just sting my ears and blur my eyes
A boy trying to be like a man
No love's going to save me
Just look into my fiery eyes
You can't figure out what's on my mind

For the love
For the pain
For all the ways I wished you'd change
For the way I never will
Hide the feelings I feel
For the good times
For the bad
And everything in between
Here's a toast to life lessons and broken dreams
For games we play
Looking back to see
How big our love started out
Then how small it came to be
To never giving up
For rising above
To all the pretty dangers of love

We're only humans but we have good hearts
We tried hard but were cursed from the start
We crossed the bridge with our eyes wide shut
Been swimming in the river of desire
But could only hold our breaths for so long

Faith is the only way to heaven
Grace can't replace the hurt inside
We've made this mess
Now in it we will lye
You turn your back on me
And I turn you around for months
I've been lost and you're not slowing down
Been playing with fire until totally consumed
Tell me to my face that I'm wrong
But you can't catch me now
I'm too far gone

In a world full of liars
There was truth in our song
But we can't hear it anymore
It's coming from the part of our hearts
That should never say goodbye
Drowning in our lover's cries
Everything I ever had
Has disappeared from your eyes
Everything you ever wanted me to know is now invisible to mine

Days slip by running from the past we had
No where left to hide
This poison is more than we bargained for
We are broken
The space between us empty now
Buried below
All you have to show now is absence from my life
That's something you always managed to get right
And I kept paying that toll
Always upset looking at you
Tears streaming down my face
An empty or half-filled whiskey glass
Doesn't matter it all goes down the same

It's dark now like an eclipse  
And I can run but I can't change
The answers or what I hoped they'd be
Now my questions fade like shattered dreams
You were always right
Even when you said you loved me

No control over this now
So why continue to try?
I still find my self-esteem in your dreams
But to get your attention there's got to be a better way
I just want to know why
Because this makes no sense to me
I can't change what you say
And you're tired of playing my games
Our words just play ***** little tricks
And leave us feeling ashamed
So can you tell me now...
Who is the one to blame...?
Ashley Rodden Jan 2014
More beautiful than a beauty queen
Prettier than an ocean scene
As iridescent as a flower blooming in the spring
As vibrant as the sun
and smarter than some
Beautiful like the heart inside your chest
I don't even compare to all the rest
Aphrodites ain't got **** on me
Like a blushing bride on her wedding day
More beautiful than a 68 Nova Super sport
Like a model of some sort
Gorgeous as a diamond engagement ring
or a caged bird that will still sing
Pretty as poetry
Cooler than flowetry
I must be the bomb diggity yo
Like a tattoo under your skin
I'll always be there for everyone to observe and admire
As beautiful as leaves changing colors in the fall
So beautiful that I must be without a single flaw
They say things are beautiful if you love them
that must be why I don't see my own beauty at all...
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Ashley Rodden Feb 2014
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young but I'm not dumb
I'm tired but I'm working
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry
I just haven't got this all figured out quite yet because
I'm free but I'm bound
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm terrified
I'm sick but I'm healthy
I'm damaged but I'm not broken
I'm silly but I'm serious
I'm falling apart but I'm still in one piece
I am just a walking contradiction...
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Ashley Rodden May 2014
I am intelligent
One of the smartest people you'll ever meet
I am unique
I follow my own drum to a different beat
I am funny
With tons of charisma
I am witty
I have a silver yet sharp tongue
I'm tired
I can sleep for hours upon hours at a time
When I'm awake
I'm always up for some fun
I am sad
Down in the dumps again
Detached  
I will leave you
Because I can
I will lift you up
Just to tear you down again
You will thinks it's over
That you got it all figured out
Then I'll remember why I loved you so much
And how I need you to come back
Because without you my life is not complete
And you need me too, so don't try to decline
We are meant for one another,
You and I
I will come and go over and over again
So you can hold fast or let go of me instead
I have compassion for others
Because of the way I am
But I feel sorry for myself
time and again
I like my own routine
Yet I want to give you all you need
I want you to stay
Please don't abandon me
Now I want you to leave me alone please
I need down time
Just for me
I need to vent
To my best friend
Where is she?
I am a dreamer
With an unquiet mind
I am reasonable and grounded
Yet I want to fly
I try my best to understand
and be sensitive to your wants and needs
I give
I take
I try to hide myself for your own sake
I constantly battle these thoughts in my mind
I fight with my demons all the time
I love a bed
I can stay there for days
I struggle with who I really am
Me or this disease?
I will love you like no other person possibly can
Deeply, passionately, with ever molecule of my heart
At first glance you fall and hard
But My love will be a huge double standard
With my constant battle against entropy
Between ideality and reality
Seeking a way out of this mundane, humdrum existence
I'm in
I cannot tell sometimes where my personality
ends and this illness begins
My daydreams turn to hypo-mania
With all these gray areas
All my choices are not rational all the time
I chose to react
I chose to get help
I chose to be better despite my illness inside
I will be passive aggressive and egotistical
All symptoms are different and coping mechanisms
are tailored for each individual
Religious fervor
Shopaholism
Insatiable libido
Are all hard for you to fathom
Along with my mixed state of mind
Sometimes I'll just want to die
You will feel pity
Then you will feel inspired
And it's admirable of you to weather
the storms with me
But foolish to let me always be the one under
the umbrella and you left in the rain
This relationship cannot be a competition
with my disease
I regard my illness as an intimate part of me
Something you will never understand
It's easy to confuse love with mania.
The problem is love is fleeting
there is no cure for bi-polar
Doctor visits,
blood tests,
complicated regimens of medications
until they find the magic combination
Delusions and hallucinations
Being misunderstood by a population
generally unfamiliar with my condition
You just don't understand.....
I hate myself for everything I think "I am"
Ashley Rodden May 2014
I scraped my knee
when you tripped me
But, it's cool
I found a band-aid
so now it doesn't hurt
falling for you.
Ashley Rodden Apr 2014
My stomach still gets tied in knots
when I know we are about to talk
And the problem isn't you it's me
Cause I still try and push you away
I just get so afraid
because I know
I couldn't live without you now
and
I never want anyone else

If you stay with me tonight
I can show you
what my dreams are made of
as I'll be dreaming of your face
You've been away for so long
and I've missed you
I can't imagine being anywhere but here
right now with you
I could sing you a song
But words put to a tune
could never explain fully my love for you

I fell in love from the moment of our first kiss
and the rest has been history since
Love is forever
and that's all I need
I can't promise that things won't get broken
But I swear I'll never leave
Please just stay here forever with me
I can't fall asleep
I lye awake in my bed at night
Just dreaming of you
and I fall in love all over again

The way we are is the reason
I'll always stay
as long as you're here
I know I'll be okay
I couldn't just love anyone
I was created to love just one
The things I get so concerned with
really don't mean a thing
Because my heart is with you and
I'll love you to the end
Ashley Rodden Feb 2016
This is the first
Rush of infatuation
But for romance
to be successful
you have to love a
person's flaws as
well as their imperfections
Romance fades
Infatuation doesn't last
The idea of what you think
love is
keeps you hanging onto
the past
The what was
And could have beens
**** with you head
Wanting so bad
for love to be true
But I'm afraid
it's all just idealistic
And never comes true
Ashley Rodden Nov 2013
I'm missing you
the same way that I always do
when you're not here with me
and I'm not next to you
This bed is lonely
as I lay here with me only
I want to sleep
but I think I'm into deep
I'm in over my head
drowning in this sea of doubt
Tossing and turning
as my lungs are burning
It's like I'm blind
I can't find my way out
I'm here in the dark dreaming of you
but I can't close my eyes
because then I can't see you
I don't want to just dream
Cause dreams don't always come true
I want this to be real
something I can let myself fall into

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden
Ashley Rodden May 2014
I'd paint you like a blank canvas
into a masterpiece created by my hands alone,
I'd write you, your very own fairy tale,
I'd smear my ink across your blank pages
into the best story ever told,
I'd find and fine tune your inner lyrics
into the most beautiful of songs,
I'd learn the dance to the rhythm
beating inside your chest,
I'd be the keeper of your inner most fears
I would hide them away
so they would lack the power to cause you anymore tears,
I'd safeguard always the keys that belong to all that is you,
I'd stand beside you never to fail or waiver
because my love for you would be constant and true,
I'd treasure your existence and beautiful soul,
I'd lay the world at your feet,
I'd bring you the moon,
I'd capture fallen stars
give all my wishes to you,
I'd walk across broken glass,
I'd swim the ocean floor,
I'd shelter you in any kind of storm
I'd protect you by taking the force of the blow,
But mostly I would love you
until time is no more....
Ashley Rodden Mar 2014
I fell into that black hole in your life
And you're not thinking about tomorrow, tonight
A thousand others could never reach you,
So how could I be the one to?
I grow colder without you near,
And you get bolder when I'm here.
You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
Those were things you never saw,
Because the light from you was always consumed.
There's no time for losing now,
When we rise they fall,
So take my hand, let me lead you home.

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Ashley Rodden Jul 2014
I would like to think
That I'm immune
But I might as well
Face the truth
That I can't be saved
I'm addicted to love
I'm addicted to
YOU!
Ashley Rodden Apr 2014
I will wipe away the tears that stream down your face
I will be your rock when it's all just sinking sand
I will drown all your sorrows in my *****
I will be still and let you rest when the day is through
I will carry your load when it becomes to heavy
I'll hide you when the bad dreams get too scary
I will light a flame on your darkest day
I will wash your feet just like a king
I will be the water to quench your thirst
I will always put your needs first
I will keep you company when you feel lonely
I will show you beautiful where you see ugly
I'll take you in my arms and show you what you mean
And I will catch you when you start  f
a
l
l
i
n
g...

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
Ashley Rodden Mar 2015
One day
               You will be the one missing me,
And I'll only miss the man that I hoped
               You would be...
Ashley Rodden Apr 2014
Everything I held so dear has now just disappeared. All the times I tasted your love I never really knew what I had. And, baby if you can hear me, I never needed you so bad. You're spinning in my head with my heart in your hand and I just want to hold you now.
Ashley Rodden Apr 2014
Is it reasonable for me to be awake
When I really need sleep?
Is it reasonable to wear around your hoodie
Because it smells like you?
Is it reasonable to not want to eat or breathe
Because you're not here with me?
Is it reasonable to be mad at you for leaving
For doing what you got to do?
For telling me I'm the one you want to marry
But you don't even live with me?
Is it reasonable to be jealous of all your time and attention
that I don't ever seem to get?
For wanting to be the center of your world?
For wanting you to always prove your love?
Maybe it's just the insomnia talking
Maybe it's the loneliness daunting
Maybe I'm just an unreasonable human being
Maybe clearly isn't what I'm seeing
I hang on your every word
I believe you but then again I don't
When I'm stuck here
Waiting by the phone all night for a call
Is trusting another person reasonable at all?
Giving them your heart
Unexplainable feelings
Having trouble dealing
Being insecure
But feeling so beautiful
Wanting you to take care of me
And being upset when you don't
The way I want or need it to be
Being overly emotional
Playing coy with you
All the silly things lovers do
Acting crazy and paranoid
Knowing what's right but doing what's wrong
Letting inhibitions go
Letting your guard down
Letting yourself fall
Going all in risking it all
Questioning and second guessing everything you say or do
Guess the real question is...
Is it reasonable for me to love you?
Is there anything reasonable about love?
Ashley Rodden Nov 2013
I feel us slipping
and I can't seem to keep a grip
It's like you're sliding
right through my fingertips
I can still touch you
and feel your warm flesh
But something about us just doesn't mesh
Our connection is becoming a little hazy
I think you're getting a little lazy
We are losing touch
and I miss you so much
I can feel myself falling through the cracks
of my own broken heart
Inch by inch we are losing each other to the dark
I think the bad is starting to out weigh the good
and I'm starting to see nothing where we once stood
Shadows are filling up inside my lonely heart
and I'm trying to find a little spark
A spark of hope, of light, or a fire
to reignite my once strong desire
I can see the sun breaking in your eyes
It's a new day I see it on the rise
and I'm trying to see the good in life
but good things in life are hard to find
This love is killing me
and all I want to know is if I can survive
I should just let you go
But I don't really want too
at least not right now
I know I'm just dragging this out
Because it's inevitable
so why all the doubt?
I just want to know what giving you up
is going to take
Maybe I shouldn't it's easier to just act fake
I've let myself get too far in
How did I let myself get here again?
It's cool, I am strong
But what about my pitiful heart?
You have dreams to chase
and I have a son to raise
you're just a boy and I'm just a girl
we just need to let things unfurl
I've taken all I can take and I can't let this break me down
But it still feels like a part of me is dead and in the ground
I wish our fairytale ending would of came true
but it's time to face the facts...I think it's over.....
and we are through...

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden
Ashley Rodden Dec 2013
One in the morning
haven't slept most the night
feeling like a restless fool
wide awake but still so tired
Wanting to go to a happy frame of mind
a different space in time
I'm stuck in a realm of
unrelenting darkness
Feeling overwhelmed
and it's cold tonight
The frost glistens and sparkles
and I start to think of your eyes
and my smile
It's cold like my soul
The cherry in my cigarette glows
It burns so bright in the night
It's still tonight
like my heart
The wind blows and it rustles my mind
Thoughts start coming in waves
The world is asleep
but not me
I'm wide awake
trying to get these feelings out
before I explode
I light another cigarette
as I stand in the cold, alone
What am I trying to say?
Do I ever really know?
I need to talk to my best friend
need time to spend
Craving your intellect
and warm touch
I'm missing you so **** much
I need time with you
Need to talk all this through
Need to sleep next to you
The morning is starting to creep
dawn is breaking and I'm still lying awake
No problems solved
just questions still remaining
draining me
weighing so heavy on my tired mind
What am I going to do...?
Just keep trying to close my eyes...
Ashley Rodden Mar 2014
You and I have something
And it's either all or nothing
I had my defenses
When it came to your intentions
But I'm not the one who broke you
And you're not the one I should fear
You thought you lost me somewhere
But I was never really there
I want to break free
And I can feel you falling
Calling to me
So won't you tempt to be all that I need?
We've got to move darling
We don't need to fallout
From all the past that's between us
But I'm not holding on anymore
All the lies aren't enough to keep us here
Let's move on baby
And let love save us
You hide your smile behind a God given face
But I know you're so much more
And that's all I need to see
You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment I decided to let you in
Now you're banging on my door again
The end of fear is where we begin
If we decide to let love in
You're wishing for me to find my way
And I'm holding on for all you need
You take your chances
While I'm taking time playing my games
You can't control a soul
There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
But the only way to feel again
Is to let each other completely in
You're like a soldier seeking shelter
From all the madness that you've seen
But don't lose your faith
Don't let us slip away
You're still the only song I sing
I'm still the shelter that you need
I'll be kind
If you'll be faithful
You be sweet
And I'll be grateful
Just come be my best friend
Feel my heart beating within
All my secrets bared
I love you so don't be scared
I'm still right here
And I'm not going anywhere

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved
To Brandon B, All my love belongs to you only. I will not abandon you. I'm right here always right here beside you.
Ashley Rodden Nov 2013
I just want to talk to you
and hear your voice speak
I just want to be with you
and lay in your arms so deep
I  want to scream
I  want to cut
I  just want to stop
wanting you so much
I don't want to miss you
I don't want to care
I don't want to keep reliving your stare
I don't want to see you
Or wonder where you are
I didn't want things to go this far
I don't want to worry
Or try to keep you near
I don't want to love you
But inevitably I do
I don't want my heart to break
But it's breaking over you
I didn't ask for this
Or even really try
I didn't need a man
Or a new start
I just wanted to be miserable
and left alone here in the dark

I wanted to not fall into
what I have so many times before
Why can't I just hate you
as I do all your kind
Why do I want to run to you
when there's a chance I'll be left behind?
What's this spell you have put me under?
with your captivating charms?
Why do I dream of you and long to be where you are?
Why am I so stupid?
Why am I so blind?
You're only going to hurt me....
It's just a matter of time.

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden
Ashley Rodden Jul 2014
Believe,
I miss your taste
I miss your smell
Past mistakes brought us here

Rescue me from everything as
Everyday I sit and wait
for more bad news
Until I have nothing left to lose

Please won't you just start making some sense
The Lord doesn't make accidents
I see the worst case scenario and
It's slowly letting go

Guess I could of sent more letters
And talked more on the phone but,
The signal was fading and
The ink running out

Words look good on paper
And sound better from your mouth
But, I can barely breathe as you
Sharpen your tongue
I can't believe anything you say

I'm the fire and you're the water
I'm the canvas and you're the color
I don't forget you
Even if we're not together

Please hold me tight
I don't care if I can't breathe tonight
Forget my lungs,
With jealousy they burn
But don't leave me alone

My heart's sand
Flowing through your hourglass
But time is up, let go of all we know
As our hearts break in two

I need you now
More than yesterday
So I standby and watch
this fall apart and fade away

I watch the pieces fall but,
I can't let go
Even though
                                       It's
                                              over
and I'm on my own...
Ashley Rodden Jun 2014
I want to be the fist of many
The last of any
The only one you ever find yourself craving
I want to make up for all the years we've missed together
I want to see true love truly existing

"You are all the poems I haven't written yet and I want to spend every day scribbling you out trying to explain perfection to myself."

I day dreamed about you kissing my face
And what your arms would feel like around my waist
Never knowing you were a 1,714 miles away
I could never see your face clearly but somehow
I knew you would look like my prince charming
and you do

"Does love sound like the words "I love you" or like the sound of my keyboard keys clicking at 1:30 am in the morning?"

I've waited, I've prayed
I would of walked the world a million times over again
You were the treasure I was searching for
I would have crossed any burning bridge to save you
I would of walked on broken glass or swam the ocean floor
You were always the melody to the song in my heart
The one I will forever adore

I've spent my life making my way to you
I knew we would fit so perfectly together and we do
No other touch would ever suffice
No other person would do me right
I was made for loving only you

From a mid Missouri porch
To a ***** bar room floor
I burned bridge after bridge searching for you
And I never once thought I was lost
Somehow I knew I'd find my way to you

Just hoping to find what I was reaching for
The way it was in my mind
Knowing my dreams would all come true
If I was dreaming them with you

"I just want the opportunity to help carry your load knowing you would do the same for me
I don't believe in miracles or magic but I don't have to believe in you; you are a fact
I am not a small town and you are not a clothing designer, I don't work at a gas station and you don't make photocopies.
I am a mother, a daughter, and a friend and you are a dreamer and an architect with a pen and a vision and we are all hope should be."

All it took was just one kiss
And I knew you wanted to be loved
So, I completely consumed
Fell in love with you
Ashley Rodden Apr 2018
Take the devil out of my path
Put my skeletons to rest
On a bed of roses where I
Lay me down, definitely

Mighty is this bitter blade,
Crimson beaded water falling out of my grave
Another dusty record plays
Dancing by myself in the blue shade

I've dug a lot of holes to uncover the bones
And to be released from the dark
Because the moment that I saw you coming
I was both, feet, running to those open arms

But the rusty metal gate will fall
Plowing through the field in which I silently lay
Lovely, little paper doll
Scared of what the ghost of you might say
Because the moment that I seen you running
For that last train coming, it done broke my heart
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