"Bulimia nervosa, an eating disorder that involves bingeing on food followed by purging, can cause gum disease, osteoporosis, kidney disease, heart disease, and death. Bulimia affects mostly women and teens." - WebMD.com*

My eyes blurred as I wiped away the remaining evidence from my mouth.
I cried.

It seems that bulimia had taken over my life these past couple of months.
Even my hands shake now.
For some reason, I didn't seem to care that I could give myself cancer with this, that I could die from this.

My headaches have gotten worse, my depression even more intense.
And my poor, sweet mother, willing to believe that I am sick and NOT doing this to myself.

Could I really do this to her?
She now has the duty to care for several children that are not hers because she cares too much.
She tries, but she no longer listens to her own children.

My mother is broken.
Revealing this to her will only break her more.

So I'll keep quiet.
Purging and ridding myself of my shame and self respect.
What could possibly be worse?

If I call life a ‘rainbow’…
Even then I can’t possess all the colours
Vague dreams and never-ending desires
Misery and pain lined up in a row

If I call life a ‘scenery’…
Even then it can’t be evenly adorned
‘Sacrifices and compulsions’, how bitter it looks
Failures can only be repelled through bravery

If I call life a ‘journey’
Even then it doesn’t allow any vehicle
Thorny bushes and brutal creatures around you
Conditions can’t always favour you to act fervently

If I call life a well-planned map
Even then my destination is unpredictable
While the right path always offers resistance
To escape, there aren’t even wings to flap



If I call life a matter of seconds
Even then some wait for it to pass
Faces devoid of hope and shattered dreams
Sometimes it is difficult to count your blessings

If I call life a 'test'
Even then some don’t bother to attempt
Seeking worldly comforts and forgetting the hereafter
Only a few try to do their level best

She had seen him there
At the party
Dark eyes watching her
From the corner
As she danced

He had not been there
When she left
Dark skies blanketed her
And stars lit the way
As she began her walk home

She had not taken this path before
To get home
A glowing field allured her
With nearly fluorescent flowers
So she took this shortcut

He had seen her approaching
Full of new memories
Then stopping
Hesitating to make the decision
To go left through the field

She had soon felt him
Among the treacherous flowers
His dark presence in the wind
His words soon blended in
As he moved in closer

He had not lingered
To see her awaken
On the grass outside the field
Red mixed in yellow
**** seed dust

Like I'm offered gold
But my feet are embedded in silver
I want to move forward
But I can't move my feet
Want to tell you what's on my mind
Can't bring myself to speech
Drowning, tethered.
Not sure how I feel about either.
Tangled up in webs
And left out to soak,
let for dead.
How do I stifle
these feelings of mine
I look in your eyes
and my conscience goes blind
How do I refrain from saying all that I want to say?
When I know how you feel
And I know how I feel
How am I supposed to turn away?

My empty heartbeat vs. hers
Close your eyes.  Breathe deeply.
Lying-so-still, delicately yet deliberately
holding each other.
It's a subdued quiet, as if we are both asleep.
I wish-he thought.
I can't-she thought.
Let's just wait. Let's just lay.
Okay?
Okay.
think--
but stay surfaced.
I know-he thought
I don't know-she thought.
Maybe?
Maybe.
The smells intrigue both-
The situation intrigues both-
Is this real?-he thought.
Is this real?-she thought.