sometimes I wonder
what life would be like
without him here,

but then I know
that there would be
no life

only death.

he is the air
that filters through
my lungs

he is the sun
that makes me
shine

he is the supplier
of my never-ending
happiness

without him,
there is no life

only death

*a.m.

i'm homesick from places
I've never been
cities I've never wandered

but I'm also homesick
from your arms

a.m.

Description: Sam's not at all who people think he is. He might be quiet, he might be shy, but he also was diagnosed with cancer. When Briar moves to town, she catches Sam's eye. What will happen once the two get closer? Will Briar light a spark in Sam's heart?

-

Distant Memory

Dedicated to my cousin, Blake, who is currently fighting a horrific battle of Lymphoma.



You're probably thinking this is just some clichè love story, one about a girl having a crush on her best friend's brother, or how two people fall madly in love, but it's anything but. This is my story, with a twist unlike any other.

~

It all started in our Junior year of high school. You were new to Wakefield High, just moving here the previous year from New York City. On the first day of school, you were so unsure of yourself, not knowing what to do or where to go. I watched as you made your way through the halls, nudging your way through the crowded bodies as students made their way to class. Even though the halls were tremendously over-crowded, you were easy to spot. Your blonde hair and strikingly blue eyes stood out by the school's bland beige walls. You were more radiant, more powerful and glowing, than anything or anyone in the whole school.

Eventually, you made friends in all the clubs you'd joined - culinary club, photography club, and ASL. I don't know what made you stand out from all the other girls at Wakefield High, but whatever it was, it was strong. I felt drawn to you, like we shared a connection deeper than either of us knew. And it was then when I made it my goal to get to know you.

For the first few weeks, I'd tried bulking up the courage to speak to you. I had planned it all out in my mind. I would talk to you at lunch, right as you gathered your food and headed off to the library like you do every day. That was my chance, and I was determined to stick with it.

On that day, I was behind you in the lunch line. Once you got up there, you ordered a chicken empanada, then headed off to the library in the West wing. I quickly grabbed my lunch, a light Cesar salad, and trailed behind you.

You were walking faster than expected, and I was just too weak. I stopped, holding my knees as I gasped for breath. That was my chance to talk to you, to finally hear your beautiful voice, and I blew it.

It wasn't because of what you think. I couldn't keep up because I was lazy or out of shape, because I was neither of those.

I was diagnosed with Leukemia last October, and after tons of treatment, my doctor said I could try going back to school. I decided it would probably be best for me to live a normal life - as much as normal can get for a boy with cancer. Knowing that I was going to die soon - my doctor predicted I would only last for another year, tops - made me want to get to know you more.

After many wasted days of trying - but failing - to get your attention, I gave up. You were too wrapped up in your new life to even acknowledge my existence. Too busy maintaining your new found reputation, too busy dating a new guy every week. I always thought you were a ***** because of it, that you took advantage of different guys and then left them to crumble to pieces, but all of that changed on that faithful day.

I had gotten dropped off late to school because I had to get tests run at the hospital that morning. I tried to get to class on time, running as fast as I could. Only that didn't work because before you knew it, I was out of breath once again.

I headed over to the restroom, hoping a cool splash of water on my face would do the trick, when I heard wailing in the girls bathroom. I looked over my shoulder before entering, just to be safe. As I closed the door, I locked it behind me.

You were leaning against the wall, knees drawn to your chest as you cried. Noticing a presence, you looked up at me, thick black mascara running down your rosy cheeks. Your eyes were puffy, and I could tell you'd been crying for quite a while.

I didn't know what to say or do at that point, so I did what my heart told me I should do. I held you.

I sat next to you and wrapped my arms around you. Your body seemed small and weak, heaving in my arms. You cradled your head into my neck as tears fell from your bright blue eyes. I didn't bother asking what was wrong. Figured I would at a better time.

Just then, you looked up at me, face flushed and blotchy, and grabbed my hand. It seemed to fit perfectly within yours, our frail fingers intertwined in each others.

I tucked a few of your light blonde strands behind your ears as your cries dwindled. Even after you'd finished crying, you sat with me.

"What's your name?" Your eyes shone with curiosity.

"Sam."

"I'm Briar."

Briar. What a beautiful name. I smiled in your tangled hair. I never in a million years thought I would ever talk to you, and even if I had, I never would have expected it to be quite like this.

"You like Ed Sheeran too?" You asked, your eyes widening in delight as you scanned my shirt. I watched a smile creep to your face, lighting up your gorgeous eyes.

"Yeah, he's my favorite singer," I smile shyly. I can feel the heat rushing to my cheeks, and I feel embarrassed for acting this way.

Ever since then, we began talking. The more we talked, the more I knew how wrong I was about you. You weren't a ***** at all; all the guys you've dated broke up with you, but blamed it on you every time. That's how you got the title as biggest ***** of the school. I felt bad because you were one of the sweetest people I'd ever met, portraying someone you weren't.

I felt like that Ed Sheeran shirt brought me luck. It was the start to our budding friendship.

After a while, you completely changed. You stopped hanging out with the populars, claiming they were never into you anyway. And I found you enjoyed yourself more. I ended up joining the photography club later that year. Whenever we would go out on weekends, I was always taking pictures of you, catching the memories within a moment of time.

You always loved my pictures. As we sat in my bedroom, I'd let you pick out your favorites for you to keep, writing little notes on the back of each picture. Your absolute favorite one was that one of the two of us.

We were in a huge field, smiling as I held you in my arms wedding style. Your blonde hair flew around in all different directions and your eyes held happiness and joy. That was my favorite one too.

I had always had feelings for you, ever since that day in the bathroom, but I'd never have the chance to show you how I really feel. Even if I did, why would you love me back? I have no hair anymore since going through chemotherapy. My body's frail and weak, barely able to stand up on my own.

I had went to the doctors two days ago for more tests, and the doctor found that the tumor in my brain was growing more and more rapidly by the second. Therefore, I would be dying sooner than expected. I only had four days left. My mother held me in her arms as she cried, her wet tears staning my t-shirt.

That night, I called you and told you the news. You cried into the phone, and I wish I was there to hold you, tell you that everything would be okay, that I would be better soon. It was a lie, but I didn't want to hear you sad. I felt bad for being the cause of it.

The next day, I was rushed to the hospital after my mother found my collapsed in my room.

It was then I knew my life was coming to a close. I grabbed a pen and piece of paper, and wrote you a letter.

~

Dear Briar,

If you're reading this, I'm probably gone by now. I just woke up to the dimly lit lights flooding into my room, tubes and needles inside of me. My heart monitor is beeping weakly next to me, and I feel very frail. Cold, frail, and in tremendous pain. You're alseep on the couch right next to my bed and I watch you, take in your beauty for the last time. Your blonde hair is flowing around your head like a halo, your lips look like delicate red rosebuds. Even though I am weak, getting skinnier by the second, I make my way over to your side, kissing you lightly on the forehead.

I never told you about my cancer, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for causing you the pain of me leaving you. I never meant for it to be this way. All I wanted was to live a normal life, and you showed me that there's happiness even in the smallest of places.

When you miss me, look at the pictures of us, pinned to a board on your bedrooom wall. Remember the memories we've had together. Remember the way you always made me smile, the dozens of laughs you filled me with. You showed me how to enjoy life, Briar. And I could never ask for anything more.

You filled my gloomy days with so much laughter I could barely contain myself. Remember me like that, Briar. Remember me happy.

I never realized it before, but I've fallen in love with you; your glowing smile, eyes the color of the raging ocean. I'd never known what love felt like, but I found it with you.

I love you so much, Briar. Never forget that. And remember I'll always be with you.

Love forever and always,

Sam

~

Briar's POV

I woke up to Sam's heart monitor, constantly beeping.Looking at the monitor, I noticed his breaths were slowing.

I made my way over to his bedside, rubbing my thumb gently across his cheek. His eyes were closed as his chest rose every so often.

"If only you knew how much I love you, Sam," I whispered, a single tear falling from my eyes. I watched him smile as he dwindled away.

"Sam? Sam?" My eyes filled with panic as I shook him lightly. "Sam?" My voice rose as I looked at the monitor, seeing the thin red line.

"Help! Somebody help!" I cried. As soon as those words escaped my lips, his hospital room flooded with doctors and nurses. They surrounded him, pushing me away to see what had happened. But they didn't need to. I already knew.

A doctor with black curly hair came rushing over to me. "I'm sorry, but he's gone.."

He's gone... He's gone... He's gone...

Those words rung in my ears, filling my head. I ran over to your bedside, crying my eyes out and practically screaming your name, hoping you'd come back to me.

I lay my head on your unmoving chest, letting my tears soak into your shirt. I noticed a small white envelope on the table next to you, To my sweet love, Briar, was written on it in your handwriting. I stuck it in the back pocket of my jeans before heading out of the hospital, feeling numb and empty.

I reread the letter over and over, tears staining the white lined paper.

"I love you, Sammy," I said, looking up at the bright blue sky. Even though the world seemed empty without you, I know I had to be strong. For you.

On days where I feel I can't bear your absence, I look at the pictures you took, just like you'd asked. I never knew you would change my life in such a drastic way.

every time you
touch me,
kiss me,
love me,
it feels
like the first
time.

with you
my stomach
turns into
a butterfly
garden,
my hands become
slick with sweat,
my eyes shimmer
and glow.

you make
me have a
hummingbird
heartbeat;
it races a million
beats, a gazillion
miles
per second;
travels all
across the states,
countries,
all around the
world and
skyrockets
through the
universe.

ugly

like a bad taste
in your mouth

sour
ripe
distasteful

something of a
disaster

ugly

the perfect word
to describe such
an imperfect
individual

**me

I've never seen God,
Nor have I heard him call.
Maybe he's a myth.
Maybe he's not real at all.

My mother always tells me
To pray at night;
For my sins, thoughts, and items;
To talk to him in the night.

But talking to someone I don't know exists
Feels like talking to a brick wall.
Therefore I don't speak to him,
Not ever, not at all.

When I am in bed
And think about feelings I've felt,
My friends say,
"Pray to God, I know he can help."

I just nod lightly
And give them a small smile.
They mirror my image
While holding the Bible.

I don't know what to think.
Is this God really real?
I truly am confused
And don't know what to feel.

Not even the way
the moon glows
and lights up the
night sky
can compare
to the sound of your
enticing heartbeat
thump
      thump
            thump
against your
prisoned chest
as your head lay
etched into my neck.

Not even the feel
of raindrops against
my cheeks
compares to
the feel of your hands
as they press into
my very palms,
run down my body,
even as you hold
my face with gentle
care.

Not even the smell
of freshly cut wood,
or baked cookies
compares to the smell
of your strong cologne,
nestled in the tiny
particles of your shirt
and nestled in the skin
of your neck.

Not even the sight
of a beautiful sunset
on the beach
or a lovely rainbow
full of distracting colors
compares to the sight
of your golden eyes
on a hot summer day,
or even your handsomeness
that's constantly showing.

Nothing
   compares
       to
         you

*a.m.

we're all different,
sort of like flowers.

there's dandelions,
roses,
carnations,
tulips,
sunflowers.

but most of all,
i think i resemble
the wallflower.

quiet,
secretive,
hidden
in the shadows.

but i know
something
they don't:

the quiet ones
are the ones
that always
have the most
to say.

pale skin
rosebud lips
dark freckles
blue eyes

a heavy posture
long golden locks
bold eyelashes
small, gentle fingers

everything about her
was as close to perfect
as anyone could ever get

except
just below her neck
on the right side of her chest,

a deep blue and purple
hickey is planted
on her collar bone

despite this,
her imperfections
made her even more
perfect
than anyone ever thought
she could be

in life you'll come across a lot of
depressing things

but what's really sad
is meeting someone so special
that insists on
(or even considers)
taking their own life

because they can no longer
tolerate
the threats,
hurtful words,
horrid self-image,
the pain

that's
what's really sad


a.m.

i'm the type of girl
that's quiet when she needs to be,
that pretends to be smart,
that acts like someone i'm not.

i used to think
i was alone.
that i was the only one
who has a play
for a life,
and that everyone in it
is just another character
written in the script.

but i know
i'm not alone.
i'm not the only one.

maybe what the world
needs
is a giant group hug,
one that has so much power
and love
it covers every puddle,
forrest,
every square inch
of land
on this plastic sphere
called earth.

or maybe what we need
is a little adventure;
a chance to become brave
and say "cut"
in the play,
and for once in our lives

be ourselves.

a.m.

my eyelids fluttered closed
and i dreamed of us,
side by side
chest to chest,
heart to heart,
and thought of how easy
it could truly be

*a.m.

you may not have faith
in yourself

you might think that
you're unattractive
or weird
or simply just
don't belong

but when i look at you
i don't see any of that

i see some flaws,
but definitely not in a bad way

your flaws are what make you
who you are,
and I'll always accept
you no matter
how think of yourself


a.m.

your kisses
are enticed with gold
that drips from my skin

your touch
send shivers down my spine
like the first snowflake
or a cool breeze
in the wintertime

your hugs
wrap me in never-ending warmth,
just like how the sun begins
to peak put over the horizon
in the dazzling start
of summer

your laugh
is like the sound of crisp leaves
in autumn;
full, light,
soft

you are the seasons
that make up
my life

a.m.

I want you to hold me, love me, give me attention.
To guide me, engulf me, kiss me with affection.
I crave the touch of your soft lips on mine,
The adrenalin in my veins will be a sign
of our love.
Do you love me as much as I love you?
I love you a lot, that much is true.
Your gorgeous eyes and soft caring smile
can make me swoon for quite a while.
Maybe you're in denial
of your love for me.
When I see you my heart skips a beat.
I get flushed and want to retreat,
but instead I stand there, admiring your grace,
the cute little freckles scattered on your face.
If I run would you chase
me?
Although we are young, our love is pure.
I know you're the one, I'm honestly sure.
Our love blooms like a budding rose
As delicate as the white specks called snow.
It's a miracle how our love is so close
To being so real.

I caught myself staring
at your braid today, sneaking
glances at you whenever
I had the chance.
I noticed things about you,
things I've grown to love,
like your gauges (you
alternate colors each day,
green or orange),
your lip piercing, your
tomboyish walk, bright
green bookbag.
The way you moved,
the way your lips fell into
a smile, the way your arms
and legs and body moved --
it was all so wonderful.
Almost like magic.

I don't know what it is
about you, but something
intrigues me, makes me
want to know you.
And I won't stop
until that is what
I have achieved.

(a.l.m.)

Once my parents leave I lock my bedroom door
And then I plop down and sit on the floor.
Under my bed is where the **** is stored
I think, At least I'm not out on the streets like a ***** *****.
I beg you, please, give me more.

I roll the joint with gentle care
As if it were the only one left to share.
Go and light it if you dare,
You whisper. I light the joint and watch it flare.

I take a hit, one full of delight
As I absorb the smoke and look out into the night.
My head feels light and my body goes numb.
The buzz in my veins is more than enough
To get me high after a well-given smoke.
I've used up all my cash, now I am broke
But at least I still have a decent amount of ****
To satisfy my cravings and control my need.

you expect summer
to be full of
extravagant
adventures
you'll never forget
but instead
of tanning
at the beach,
getting away,
or hanging out
with your friends
24/7,
you're sitting at
home wasting
your life away
while the sun
continues to shine,
people continue
to laugh,
and flowers
continue to
grow

(alm)