pale skin,
colorful soul

Life is beautiful.
Butterflies were obviously crafted
By the hand of God
Meant to put a smile upon our faces.

Life is mysterious.
We don't quite understand
Why things happen when they do
So we're always left wondering.

Life is a gift.
I feel so lucky to have the people
In my life that I do now
And I am so thankful

Life is hard.
Sometimes I really want
To disappear, but it's not wise
To close a book in the middle of a sentence.

Life gets better.*
Though there is sometimes darkness,
There will always be light
You just wait for the sun during the night.

It's funny that the
         smallest things
                       Push me          
                                            Over
                                                             The
                                                                               Edge

chacos
messy bun
brown hair
brown eyes
baking a pie
holding hands in the grocery aisles
contagious laughter
an amazing actor
the kindest smile
the warmest cuddles
playing the bass
kissing my face
reading hallmark cards
petting her dogs in the yard
giving me an encouraging squeeze on my arm

soft cheeks
radiant smile
a love unlike any i've ever known

the thought of that white dress
with laughter and love surrounding me
used to give me a feeling inside similar to that of
laying atop of a warm fitted sheet
covered with a freshly tumbled comforter
pulled from the dryer just for me

but now it just feels like
crawling between cold sheets
dark and alone
i fall asleep

My empathy is making me sick but
What he's screaming at her is true...
It's hurtful. Mean.
But true.
I hate myself for agreeing,
I hate him for saying it.

I'm being pushed and pulled
Not sure how to feel.
What's right?
What's wrong?
How am I supposed to deal?

"I feel like I shouldn't even be breathing around here" she says

I always knew I was like her

You are my sun
my light
my greatest adventure

"You don't miss me, you just missed the person that loved you so much you didn't have to love them back"

Cracking under pressure
Relapsing
Losing touch with reality
losing her
getting caught
losing control
being replaced
not being good enough
disappointing the people I love
not being accepted
rejection
Being forgotten
Growing old
Hurting the people I love
Breaking down
Going back
Being trapped *but I'm already trapped?

and then the rain fell

I want to protest,
I want to rebel
I want to stand up and yell in their faces.

I'm tired of being put down,
I'm tired of falling short.
I'm tired of trying so hard for things that don't even matter to me.

It's sad teenagers dream of being 18 so they can get away from the life they're living
It's so **** sad that some feel that life is so bad that they'd harm themselves to escape.

We're told to think for ourselves but then when we speak our minds we're told to shut up and sit down as if a teenager couldn't possibly know anything about the world; as if the number of years on this earth determines whether or not we understand the concept of loving another human unconditionally, or understand what it's like to be sad.

I want everyone to come together and fight the injustice. To live deliberately, to **** the marrow out of life.

One becomes four
Four becomes one,
Then one on one,
One on air
One on one...
on one.. on one

Won't be long till one becomes nothing

im so alone
i am so
alone

My hands grip the wheel tightly
Complete sobriety
My eyes are on the road
Yet I have no control of the vehicle
I swerve and wreck into building after building.
The buildings sustain no damage.
I hit and bounce off, into the next structure
Over and over
I resist out of fear but I can't put my foot on the brake
The water is approaching
Nothing stops me from plunging in,
My car sinking with me trapped inside
My only thought being that everyone's going to be so mad at me

"I have a gun just like the one used to **** John Lennon"

The gun was handed over to me

I held the small unloaded revolver in my right hand, my index finger caressing the trigger as my other fingers tightly gripped the handle.

Pinched between my left thumb and index finger was a single bullet.
imagined how large hole in my temple could be.
I slid the bullet into place.


Pause


Dumped the bullet back into my hand.
Placed gun down
Shook off the thought of suicide

Turned to my brother

"No wonder it always took so long to reload on call of duty hahaha"

Causal.

I am

Depression is Skipping meals because it's easier to be hungry than it is to get myself out of bed

Depression is Sitting on the floor and desperately trying to talk myself into putting socks on...
Because putting socks on would require wiggling up the bottom of my skinny jeans, putting the socks on my feet, and then carefully pulling the jeans back over my socks without messing them up (you know the feeling I'm talking about)

Depression is struggling with the socks because I know once that part is over, I'll have to put shoes on- the converse match my outfit.
But I've got a wide foot, and I can take converse off without untying them, but I HAVE to untie them to put them back on.
So I have to untie these shoes,
And the RETIE THEM. It's a lot. It feels like so much.
I know it shouldn't.
It's putting on shoes.

But wait, there's more!

Once the shoes are on, I've got to pack my book bag, Which first requires taking the stuff out.
Once the stuff is out, I have to put that stuff in its place.
then I've got to put more stuff in the bag,
I have to put the bag on
Walk out the door,
Eat.
Class.
Rehearsal.
Drive
Park
Walk to my building
Up the stairs
in the room.

Take the shoes off
Change,
Lay in bed

Know that I could've been in bed all day
Try to celebrate what little I did
Fail.

Toss and turn knowing I should've done more.
Fall asleep feeling alone, wondering why I'm never satisfied.

Wake up.
Meds.
Socks?...-
Realize it barely changes

Because

I'm sitting here typing this at 3:53 pm
When I should be
Putting.
My.
*******.
Socks.
On.

0

maybe it’s the societal overload of dopamine  
that make moments of stillness so stale, so dry, so unbearably empty
like a clap and an echo in a hollow auditorium
shouting into the void, met only with a reflection of me

Longing for connection
Hand pressed against a pane of glass
ear pressed against a corded phone
in this prison of my own creation

rarely, i feel on top of the world
most times times i am... on the bottom of the world?
i am... under the weather. blue. uh. having a bad time

sometimes i swear i could climb a mountain because why not? im already pretty up there.
when other times, i can barely manage to plant my feet firmly on the ground for long enough to say that i got out of bed that day.

there are highs and lows, but usually i am just grey.
regardless of what kind of day or hour or minute it is... i am alive

and no matter the altitude

the feeling is all the same

meh

"I didn't want him to feel bad about this. I wanted him to see the obvious, that it's okay for him to let me go. He's been through so much, and he's finally through it. He needs to not have me around to worry about anymore. He needs me to free him to be brilliant" (Garth 5).

stargazing
hot chocolate
music
christmas lights
autumn leaves
cuddling (in theory)
performing
long hugs
flowers
children in grocery stores begging for pop tarts
late night talks
the thought of you
the thought of us
seeing you from afar as I walk into school
Just you

What goes on in your mind
When you're up late at night, wanting more than anything
to roll over and die.
What is it that goes on in your head
when you should be sleeping, but you're awake instead

Do the thoughts take over,
Or do you just lay them out to decipher?
Does your world seem a little duller  
As the the sky begins to regain its color?

Have you ever thought that
you have the power to change lives
and all you have to do yourself
is learn to survive

because never have i known a person
that doesn't use their own life force
to better the lives of the people around them
and maybe even more

"You don't want to look back at your life and realize that you wasted it in front of a screen, do you?"

That's what they say.

And to them, I'd say
There are times that I feel everything around me is crumbling.
That I'm crumbling,
That my mind is turning against me.

As much as I try to fight it
I can't help the crippling depression and anxiety
that comes from seeing
a raincloud in the distance
Or sometimes, for no reason at all.

I can't control how the depression festers,
the intrusive thoughts that tell me
everyone would be be better off
if I wasn't around,
that there's a way to assure
that I'll never be caught in the rain again

I cannot count how many times I've turned to substance abuse to stop the thoughts.
I cannot count how many times the substance has worsened my condition,
Made me paranoid, Afraid of myself,
afraid of what will become of me
if i allow myself to stay

I cannot count how many moments I've had where I shoveled mountains of food into my mouth during a binge because I wasn't sure what to do with my hands.
I cannot count how many times I've punched a wall or slung everything off my desk because I needed to act impulsively in a way that would harm only myself.
I cannot count how many times I have thought of ending my own life.
I think about it every day.
More than once a day.

Sometimes I get so bad off that I can't do anything at all.
I know I can't die
my desk is already empty, i don't have the strength to throw a punch
The thought of food makes me want to *****

Those really bad times are when I turn to
my favorite TV shows for comfort

Watching a good series is like
getting ****** into a different world,
escaping from reality, all while
Being gently reminded that
there is good in this world.
that there are reasons to stay
Even if the only thing keeping me there in that moment
is the cliff hanger that was left for me at the end of the episode

If the distraction of the plot alone wasn't enough already,
the characters teach me

Katara teaches how to stand up for what you believe in and to never lose hope
Zuko teaches that you can shape your own destiny, and do what is right.
Toph teaches that you should never let another person define your abilities

Jim and Pam taught me that love doesn't always have to die as you grow older
Dwight and Angela gave me hope that things can work out in the end, even if the road is rough

Amethyst teaches that you should be comfortable with your body and its abilities
Garnet taught me to never be sorry for being who I am
Pearl taught me that it is possible to move on from losing someone you were in love with
Steven taught me that you should always stand up for what is good

Leela showed me that women can kick some SERIOUS ***, and that we should be proud of it.
Fry showed me that home is defined by being surrounded by people you love

Rick taught me that in the grand scheme of things, a lot of the things i blow up in my head are very very trivial, and that i should focus on more important things... like science!

Lastly, Morty taught me
"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everyone's gonna die, come watch TV"

I don't know if this makes me weak or strong

Or selfish or selfless

I don't know if I'm right or wrong

there are so many wedges in my time line
i hate that i'll just be another wedge in yours

they're happy to see me
and I just feel guilty

The moisture will evaporate
Clouds will form
The rain will pour
the sun will come out.

Night will turn to day
Day to night
Over and over
And over again

The earth will continue to spin
Rotate
Orbit
The ball will drop at the start of a new year
Lovers will kiss
Friends will celebrate

Music will sound just as sweet
As the band marches on
Left foot, right foot, repeat.

An empty matress under a frame
Lights that no longer glow
Strings that haven't been plucked in ages

A plant with no water
No sun
No hope for growth

I want to laugh