It's like having boulders tied to your ankles
a voice constantly telling you that you're not strong enough
That going the distance won't even be worth it in the end

my brain feels like unsalted scrambled eggs

Please god make it stop

In a world full of darkness and confusion, you are my light and my clarity.

please take it easy on me

It'd be easier to just float away

Evening
Music
Laughter
Grass between my toes

precious moments
Fleeting

I never knew I'd miss you so

your ***** is divine
i want to drown in your waters
i want to be crushed by the pressure
of your depths

in the fourth hour
of the early morning
my wakefulness
is met with your sleepy stillness

your lips, puffy and pink
dimly illuminated by the
lights of the city,
creeping through our window,
unapologetic.

your eyes create crescent moons
your cheeks, gentle mountains
your unkempt hair
spilling over your pillow
wild and free

you are a work of art

i extend my hand to meet your face
allowing myself to indulge in
the warmth of you
stroking your cheeks
running my fingers through your hair

in your ambit,
the passage of time
is no affliction

it is a gift. it is heaven. it is everything. there couldn’t possibly be enough, time.

enough time.
enough time for you, for me, for us

enough time.
to touch your face,
to watch you as you sleep,
to hold your shaking hands,
to miss you even when you’re not far
to call you on a long drive

to sit together in the stale cool air of autumn

to sit together

in pain
in laughter
in sorrow
in  joy
in uncertainty
in forgiving
in understanding




in love.

I didn't ask to be born.

The smaller your world the more miserable you become

"You can hope it gets better
you can follow your dreams
But hope is for presidents
And dreams are for people
who are sleeping"

I think there's something broken deep inside of me
In a dark and unreachable place

My head is constantly spinning
And I can't seem to regain my balance,
I'm so depressed that I can't see straight, But since I'm young
I guess those feelings aren't even valid

We live on a floating rock, constantly rotating around the sun
Yet people are still worried about random boys who like it up the ****.
We're too concerned about one another rather than what's truly important:
Like staying in our own lanes, and teaching things that are less adhordent

It's 2015 and people are still being judged by their color  
When really we should be judged based upon How we treat each other

society is taking a negative turn, no doubt about it
with ignorant people preaching hate,
saying that a woman is at fault when she gets *****.

"She was asking for it" they say,
as they sexualize shoulders and legs
thinking that a woman wearing a short dress
Is just begging for their toxic kiss

The only thing I'm begging for
Is a change of heart in the hateful,
Who say my love isn't real
Because it isn't "full, fruitful, and faithful"

My love is fuller than
You will ever know
it's not my fault that you live
life with your eyes closed

I'll love who I want
Because **** she's so fine
And anyone who looks at me differently
Is no friend of mine

And a final "*******"
To all the ******* in This small town
Who think they look better when they
Put another person down

(You don't look better, you look like an ******.)

It doesn't come easy
Or without any pain,
A struggle,
Wanting to give up

You have to push through
until the end

In the past, when the present would become too heavy
I'd throw myself into the idea of a distant future
That future was bright and hopeful
Because I always pictured being loved by someone else
In a home decorated to fit our taste
With little plants that'd never go unwatered
And a kitchen where I'd make all my favorite foods

But most importantly, in my little future, I was happy because someone loved me and was there to pick up the pieces when I fell apart.
And maybe that's why I'm so unhappy right now
Not because no one loves me
Because even in my fantasies, in the most sunshiny and optimistic crooks of my brain, my happiness was still dependent on the romantic love of another person

How is it that I've become this way?
That I place my self worth in how other people perceive me?
Worst of all, I'm picky about who determines my worth

I don't want love handed out to me, no no
Because I don't trust it! I don't trust that someone could love me
without a struggle after knowing me and seeing me for who I am
So when someone does love me, I question it constantly
I get angry with myself
and that's no way to live.

How am I to allow myself to be loved without restraint if I can't even love myself?

So now, my safe haven will be
Bright and hopeful,
An apartment decorated to fit my taste...
and the taste of four other girls, with whom I'll be living
Fake plants because none of us are mature enough to keep a real one alive, and that's okay right now
A kitchen where I'll cook easy meals because I'm young and have **** to do
Most importantly,

In this future, I will be loved.
Because I am going to learn to love myself.

I imagine it would be like the silence after you turn off the music

When you're falling in a forest and nobody's around

It doesn't crash
Or even make a sound

One day I will walk out of that door
and never walk back in

I'm so tired
the solutions are laid out in front of me
so easily obtainable
yet i'm filled with uncertainty

I can't seem to grasp it
such simple concepts
go to class, don't eat like crap
put the drink down, stop smoking grass

go to the gym three times a week
and treat your body kindly
oh but you shouldn't go if you're there
with a mentality that's unhealthy

Spend time with friends
don't you dare let yourself isolate
ignore the empty feeling in your chest
struggle to play along and relate

maybe sit on that familiar ole' bench
learn a new song on piano!
hear yourself out of tune
belting out your sorrows

slam your fingers on the keys
try to drown out the voices in your head
screaming at you to ******* give it up already
because what you're saying is better left unsaid.

cover the keys, push in the bench
storm out of the beige colored building
clench your fists, try to stop the tears
hope to god that no one is watching

walk back to your tiny room
pace back and forth
you can make it go away for now
but that'll only make it worse

wonder what the **** is wrong
and why you can't seem to cope
think of the things you used to love
that now you're broken with no hope

lay in bed, feel like ****
know you'll do it all again tomorrow
push back thoughts of the "one step solution"
that would only cause my loved ones problems

fall asleep late, wake up early
make that daily morning decision
will you lay in bed and mope around
or face this day with optimism

get up, take your meds
climb up to the top of the mountain
struggle to survive the inevitable fall
your depression sends you tumbling

down
            down
                          down

boom crash
you've hit the ground.
time to do it all again.
keep your hopes up high

My chest is a hollowed out shell.
The life that was once inside is now gone,
And the pieces of me that are left
Are screaming for a release.

i want to squeeze my brain like a pimple
until it pops
and my mental illness spurts out
like ****
onto my ceiling

Nothing is left untouched
It all leads me back to the same
Terrible terrible place

They say that when you're running, locking your eyes on a distant object makes it easier to push through until the end.

That far away object holds no real power over you. It can't heal your aching muscles or replenish your lungs of much needed oxygen. It somehow just... makes it easier.

Maybe that object is where you've decided you want to end your run next week; and maybe you've already got your next object picked out. This is good. This is ideal.

Maybe the object is your bottle of water, sitting on the ground at the end of your driveway, and maybe you're only trying this hard because you're driven by thirst. This is not ideal. But creating motivation may be a step in the right direction.

Maybe the object is of no significance and maybe you're only looking because without that object... without something to cling on to... you may not make it to the end. Quitting is not an option. This is the best you're doing given the circumstances. These circumstances are not ideal. But what you're doing is good. You will not stop.

Regardless of the motivation, or lack of motivation
You lock on.
You cling to it.
You Don't. Stop. Running.