I think the most horrid thing is to be labeled as a bystander. Existing, but not living.

-Mars S.

A sudden collision creates a storm within you
You see him falling in love with someone else
Watching it like a movie in black and white
You never thought he would paint on someone else's body
Color has turned to grey because being artwork often involves inspiration and he was yours
Your stomach turns, spinning in circles
You remember dancing in the kitchen
The memories claw themselves up your throat and you find yourself talking about him with your friends
And they will smile, gently, and see nothing more but innocent reminiscence
While your mind evolves into a tornado
Destroying everything that doesn’t have his name on it
Getting up in the morning is no longer refreshing because somehow being alive is more painful and pretending to be lifeless
Your dreams are filled with people who are not him and you convince yourself that science has nothing to do with this
They say that when someone appears in your dreams, it means that they are missing you
So I have come to the conclusion that I am found in yours quite often
And I hate science because it fools you into believing that there is a cure to loving someone, that going out with friends and trying to forget him will eventually follow through but it never does
Your bathroom floor suddenly becomes a habitual wasteland
The tile carving itself into the bottom of your thighs where his hands used to be
You think that maybe if you just play pretend
Like a child playing dress up
Wear your favorite clothes and act as if they are your favorite for a reason other than the fact that he loved you in them
Tighten your necklace to where it is almost suffocating you and cutting into your skin
Remind yourself that storms pass
And start preparing yourself to clean up the mess that he has left

This is our life
It goes like this
We wake up everyday and do the same things
We see the same people
Talk about the same things
It goes like this
There is someone who thinks they are alone
They all seem to say the same things
It goes like this
They talk about how life isn’t worth it
How they aren’t wanted
They don’t see the good
Another life is taken
Yet nothing changes
Our world
Well it goes like this
Madness all around
Children becoming parents
Families falling apart
People loosing their homes and their jobs
We don’t do anything to change
So it goes like this
It will continue to go like this if we let it
It goes like this
But is this the world you want to live in?

I don't like cutting, I don't want to keep doing it
I hate that I keep doing it but yet I don't stop
I wish I could stop but when everything is falling apart and it becomes too much I know what will be there
I know that when it seems like everything is changing some things will remain the same
Like the feeling of a cold blade on my warm skin
The feeling of my skin being cut
The feeling of the pain
The warmth of my blood on my skin
I know that when you rely on something for so long it becomes hard to let go
It becomes addicting
It becomes a habit
A friend
A helper
A supporter
A horrible never ending addiction
You stop for sometime and think you're done forever
But then you fall back into the addiction
It's like a deep hole
You know you will fall back again
When you do the hole becomes deeper
Harder to get out of
It takes longer to recover from
The cuts become deeper
It happens more often
But yet through all this I keep a smile on my face
How is that?
How can I smile when inside I'm falling apart?
When inside I'm miserable
I'm falling apart
I'm dead inside
I'm broken
I'm not the me I used to be
But yet I keep my head held high
I can't just stop cutting
It's not that easy
Because even when life is good my life flips it around
Makes everything seem bad, evil, haunting, tormenting
Words seems twisted
Actions are misjudged
My thoughts begin to run wild
But I know I have to try to get through this
It's like people say
Suicide isn't the answer
So I suffer in silence
I tell no one how I feel
I tell no one about the things I do
I just leave one more
One more cut
One more scar
One more secret
But why?
What good is it?
I've been asked about it before
They ask me
Why?
Why cut?
Why don't you just stop?
Why don't you get some help?
Why don't you tell someone?
I've never been able to give a good answer to this
All I say is this
It helps me
They don't know that sometimes you need to bleed to know you're really alive
So I say I'm okay when in reality I'm falling apart
I know it's not worth it
But yet I don't stop
I may never stop
Until one day it becomes too much
Until I finally get what I want
Until I die
No one really wants to die though
They just want things to change
But do I want change?
No, I just want a normal life
One with no suffering
One with no fear
One with no regrets
One with no sadness
A life with no hate
Especially with no pain
All I want is to be happy and for it to last
I want hope
I want laughter
I want to feel loved
I want to feel wanted
So maybe I don't want a normal life
I want an impossible one
One that can never be
One that no one can have
One that will never exist
Maybe that's why I'm so unhappy
Is it because I'm a hopeless dreamer?
Is it because I want impossible things?
Or maybe I don't deserve to be happy
I feel as if the world has given up on me
I'm not ready to give up on the world though
I will be strong
Even if I'm covered in cuts and scars
I won't give up until I get past this
Until my addiction is gone
This evil thing will not stop me
I will overcome this
It may not be today or even anytime soon
But I will
I will learn to love myself
I will stand tall with confidence
I will find who I am
I will learn to be happy
I will stay strong
I will not cut anymore
I will not fall back
I will not be held back any longer
I'm tired of this
I'm done covering my cuts and scars
It's my past
It's what I've done
This is part of me

Why don't you eat?
Simple question, right?
You'd expect a simple answer that's not what you did though.
So, why don't I eat?
I'm tired, I'm tired of not feeling good enough.
I'm tired of looking like this.
I'm tired of wanting to be one of those skinny ones.
When you look at me what do you see?
I see myself and I see fat.
I see not good enough.    
I see not skinny enough.
I see ugly.
So why is it that I don't eat?
I want to lose weight.
I want to be one of the skinny ones.
I want to fit in.
I want someone to notice how much weight I'm losing.
I want someone to notice me.
You eat and think nothing of it.
I eat and I think about how I'm going to have to work it all off.
How I must get rid of it, I must not eat, how it's not worth it.
So, I don't eat.
I say I'm not hungry, in my head I say I'm not good enough.
I step on the scale and see as lost weight.
I get happy, it doesn't last though.
I want to lose more.
I go days without eating trying to lose weight, I pass by mirrors and keep my head down, afraid to see how I look.
Afraid to see I'm not losing weight fast enough.
I eat something small and feel guilty, thinking something small will only make me gain weight.
There are days when I want to eat, I want to give up and eat a huge meal.
I have to get past the urges.
Telling myself that I don't need to eat.
A ******* here and a ******* there, a glass of water to keep myself alive.
I run into my body hurts, until I can't breathe.
As the days go by my body gets weaker and weaker, it gets harder to focus, I wake in the middle of the night wanting food.
I tell myself I don't need it.
I tell myself that losing weight is worth more than food.
So, why don't I eat?

Allow me to open your eyes
we are human and we matter
I am a member of the LGBT family
I have been bullied down and beaten for who I am,
for who I love
This is wrong

Tell me, what did I do wrong?
love is free, love knows no gender
my sexuality does not define me
my gender does not define me
it's just a part of who I am
I no longer will be put down for who I am
gay or straight, male or female, transgender or cisgender and everything in between
we all deserve respect
we all deserve the right to love

Even if it were a choice,
I choose to be happy
I choose to be me
I choose love
because love is simply love