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My fears are simple...
Not shrewd enough or dextrous
My love divine, yes majestic
My purity maintains as my objective
My faith steady in my beliefs
Striving to be worthy at his throne
Virtuous and righteous I will become
My scars swept away with justice and unity
Victory through Him who has created me
Devotion and warmth to those in need
Repenting of my sin in prayer
Kneeling down with compassion and hunger
Sweet cigarette,
Oh, Calm me down.
With your pollution and disease,
You'll drag me down.
Smoke will still bellow from my mouth,
As I'm laid down underground.
Smoke festering in my lungs,
Reminds me to breathe in and back out.

Sitting at a bench outside, rolling up,
My memory hands work to their mechanical talk.
The world around is a drone - like me,
An incomplete tone, You see.
I feel like I'm continuously falling back,
Seeing, feeling nothing but alone,
Then there's the black.
I hear the cries for help..
but right now Im busy...
Let them all drown..
they ain't did nothing for me...
Except get me *****...
I can't get up now
The blood is to direct..
I never understood how..

Woman Woman Woman
This Fruit of my *****...
I guess I had to create one..
To find one....
I guess I had to **** one...
To love one...
- Signed a ****** Superhero.
I am Jeanette
I am a mother
A redhead
A wife and a daughter
A teacher
A sister
A friend

I am a graduate
A sinner
A master
An artist
A narcissist
A debitor

I am a liar
A creator
A linguist
A learner
I am a killer
An amateur
A model
A protector

I am Jeanette
I am a dragon
I am a devil
I am a woman
I am a mystery

I am Jeanette
I am a poet
I gave 5 dollars to the homeless man
that stepped into my path yesterday
and wouldn’t move out off my way
thinking that I would not see
as he shuffled off with his fortune
I watched as he purchased a bottle
of ginger ale
and mixed it with whiskey

and I sighed, thinking
I can’t control his destiny

Unlike the lighthouse keeper
who holds the bright light
in his hands
and one day just gives up
turns off the light
and descends the stairs
to quietly close and lock the door

Through such selfish actions
*I am the shipwreck
smashed against the rocks
to be the driftwood
that now litters the shore
just hormones
i tell myself
not real pain
not a big deal
but everything hurts and i want to die
just hormones 
hiding behind eyeliner
it masks the red 
i wasn't crying
allergies
mine are bad this time of year
i wasn't sad
why do you ask?
how ridiculous
i
don't
get 
sad
i don't need help
 i just need some time alone
no people
just the static crackling of a car radio a few yards away
a talk show with the volume **** turned too loud
screams and laughter from where my friends stand
they aren't like me 
they don't want me
i don't want them
i'll hide in a corner
hide behind a mask
of eyeliner
and lip gloss
cloaked in shadows
drip drip
goes the water
it's cold over here
but hidden
nobody can see me
i'm just another person on their phone
clipped into technology 
indifferent 
not in pain
just hormones 
i remind myself
you aren't really hurting
the slightest touch will turn your eyes into waterfalls
so stay hidden 
stay safe
it's ***** over here
bird **** on a window
how is it that even possible?
moist
disgusting
guarded by 6th graders
to afraid to approach me
but i can feel their eyes on me
creepy pasta
is what they discuss
as they beat their violin strings
with their bows
unpleasant noises
there's my mom's car
pulling up
get ready
smile
energy
brush your hair back
natural
act natural
"How was your day?"
hard
"Fine"
it's just hormones.
i know
it's ****
but it felt good to write, so
I wish I could be as
transparent as you are
it would be as simple as saying

I've changed my mind
kiss me


or maybe

yes, I really do like you

or even

you say you're missing a girlfriend?
no, you're not. I'm right here.


but I prefer honesty to transparency
so I'll just hug you each time we meet
and smile as you wrap your arms around me

and hope you haven't found someone new
and pray that it's you each time my phone vibrates
and consider texting you first, but i won't
because I don't do that and I'd only be bothering you

and because I value honesty
I'll be honest with myself:
I've ******* up again
and you don't want me anymore

it's just as well
I would have messed up
sooner or later
anyway.
A disgusting purging of my thoughts. Somehow the situation isn't quite as depressing as it seems. Just a whole lot of hard to explain.
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