I wish for one minute
I could stop thinking about you

I'll smoke this cigarette
And think of you
My one regret
Wish I could forget
One day I will
And that'll be a sad day for you

i slept
  for twenty years and then awoke to wonder why.

i fell asleep for twenty more,
  awoke, let out a sigh,

then slept again for thirty five more years.
  now here i lie,

a man who slept my whole whole life through, i lay awake
  to die.

And finally when the memories start to fade..
you get angry.
You get angry because you don't want them replaced.
You push away elements that try to make you forget what you were.
You still want everything that was special to remain special.
Afraid of change, afraid of another person becoming what that person was in your life.
You feel like a traitor, because somebody else is trying to make you feel the way he made you feel.
Question the very being of your choices,
wondering how he would take it if he was still here..
its scary
Scary to let a person deep into where he was in your life...
You struggle to keep your moments as yours only
that no activities with another person will match or pass his.
Its a struggle not to let go..
A struggle to keep what you loved and knew.
Because somehow you build the future in your head,
you wrote a story and he was always a top cast.
But now he hardly appears and somehow you always try and keep him in the script
And keeping away others who want to be part of that cast.
A struggle to hold on to what was,
Because that is what you have ever known,
what you have always known
Who you have ever known.

In a different life maybe I would be too skinny and my arms would be cut up and I'd be with the wrong crowd swallowing the wrong pills and maybe you'd see how much you hurt me reflected in how much I hurt myself.