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wolf Mar 2015
It's been months,
filled with complete destruction.
I'm still ******* crying,
begging myself to stop forming a mountain of emotions in the pit of my stomache,
weighing me down.
I don't think you ******* know how much of you has become part of
my sadness,
my soul,
my life.
It's as if you knew the moment you laid your eyes on me,
I craved your strength.
Oh how I miss your touch,
running your fingers on the cracks
of my porcelin body.
How could you leave me ******* helpless?
You left marks in places of agony that grew flowers only by your slightest touch.
I still solemly desire your angelic lips to be pressed against mine again,
I reminise about the way you saved me.
And all the memories that lead up to this point.
Now you're watching me ******* drown in the middle of an ocean of unspoken words and you're no longer reaching out to grab me,
you have selfishly left me to fend on my own.
I guess this is how it feels to be abandoned by someone,
I just hoped it hadn't been you.
  Mar 2015 wolf
Claire Rose
I go through each day
aware in the darker corners of my mind
that you are wrapped throughout and around
every part of me that is alive.
there is a setting on my brain set to your name
there is a hum in my ears
that oddly resembles your voice when you first wake up in the morning
there is a vague tingling on the tips of my fingers
that mimics the silk fabric of your skin
it’s as if you painted the freckles on my body,
you molded its curves,
you dipped each strand of hair in color
and stenciled my irises with your reflection.
I will hold you,
as you have held me.
  Mar 2015 wolf
Sara
I opened up to you.
I let myself look weak, feel weak, in front of you. I let my sorrows pierce the air when I laid there shaking on my bed because you stopped loving me.
It started when you stopped calling me your world, and discovered that there's a whole universe out there with planets that suited your needs better, even though I loved you most.
You stopped loving how I always watch adventure time while I smoke my du maurier's off the balcony, or how I get drunk off cheap store bought white wine and I stop smiling.
You stopped wanting to discover new places with me and only wanted to discover what you could find in my bed, because you'd had a hard day and needed to not talk for awhile, or a week. I let you undress me and take your anger out on me between thin sheets, sweaty palms, high pitched screams, left with bruises, cuts, hand marks, and I would cry after but you would pretend you were asleep, and that's when I knew that I was merely another ***** bottle that burned your throat and made you feel numb.
I've been drinking a lot of ***** since you left, and last night it felt like my world was crumbling to bits and pieces around me because you weren't ******* there to tell me to stop drinking and to hold me and I can't ******* take care of myself since my biggest wish is to be 6 feet under the ground.
You promised me you wouldn't leave, but in reality the only promise that is ever kept is death because it's never broken.
So a warning to my next lover, when you lay in my bed and kiss the cracks of my collarbones and ask why I'm shaking, it's because the last time someone was here, they set fire to the bed with me in it.
this is old.
  Mar 2015 wolf
Sara
I'm not sure if you care much about me, I don't care much about me either, but ever since you came back after a year you've been flowing from the ink of my pen to my paper and I can't stop ******* writing about you.
I mostly sit in coffee shops thinking of how your left hand would spread across your cracked mug and how your right hand would grip my thigh, because you told me you always had to be touching me in one way or another to make up for the times you were too far to see the same stars as me. I see you carving our names into the wooden table and I'm tracing your lips with my cut up fingers and the only time you can tell me you love me is after a shot and a kiss or two. I never liked coffee until I tasted it tattooed on your lips and there I swallowed every apology for how much I drank and the way I ****** because both are so violent and both left us naked and crying until you held me so tight i thought my veins would burst, but I'd never tell you to stop.
Walking to the bus stop I confuse your eyes with street lights and maybe its because I'm slightly tipsy and in love with you. I hold your cut up hands, you told me your mom was trying to hurt you but you were as numb as you were when she slapped you, and you never cried. At the bus stop I kissed you so hard and your tears mixed with our saliva and I thought the four oceans had spilled from your beautiful eyes. On the bus I held you until you felt limp in my arms and I looked into your eyes and saw the street lights flicker and I made you get off at the next stop, even though we had 5 more to go. You had goosebumps covering your porcelain skin and you told me you had no idea who you were without your sadness in between sobs that shook my lungs and made me cry too.
Loving you is writing poetry so your eyes don't wander away from me even though I break pieces of myself to give to you so you'll stay, and that's not love but it's the only love I'll ever know.
Loving you is asking constantly if you've stopped loving me because self doubt swallows me whole and vomits apologies that tumble out of my mouth for the ways I try to **** myself I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
Loving you is echoing words I need to hear, hoping it'll quiet the voices in your head telling you to do terrible things to your body.
Loving you is listening to the 1975 and hearing your name in between each chord and god ****** I love you
Loving you is never knowing how you are but always knowing you're in your car, because you never like staying at home, and baby that's okay.
Loving you is never knowing the colours of your eyes because they always switch from brown to green and oh god I'm so scared for the day you won't be here.
Loving you is knowing that you have me tucked away in the back pocket of your skinny jeans but not knowing when you'll take me out and tell me you love me, because I do love you.
and I love you is big for me, it's an anxiety attack formed in words it's trying to speak with bruised lips from kissing you too hard it's breathing in water, but baby we're both drowning so we might as well hold hands and sink together.
idk man im just really sad and drunk and im sorry.
  Mar 2015 wolf
Sara
9:03 pm:* I stand for nothing and fall for everything, but I've never fallen so hard for something as I have for you. I haven't wrote you anything in awhile and I think it's because I feel like I have you safely hidden in the middle of my palm in my fist, but lately I feel you slipping through my fingers. Are we okay?

9:46 pm: I've realized that I have trapped myself in a world of art being with you, everything I touch feels as if I'm experiencing it for the first time, but when I touch you, it's as if I'm touching fire, and baby, I haven't stopped lighting matches just to feel close to you.

10:21 pm: After our first love died out, others taught me love with bruises and punches but you haven't laid a hand on me and I can't decide if you don't love me or if this is true love. I'm leaning towards true love. I'm torn between showing you the darkest parts of me or shining a light on my cracked skin to avert your eyes from my scars. Does that make sense to you?

10:38 pm: This silence burns more than the ***** seeping down my throat could ever and I'm shaking at the thought of your mouth forming the words "goodbye". I've been built on the words "sorry I love someone else" and "this isn't going to work out" and if you listen closely, you can hear each person whisper those words that cut like knives when I cry. I sound like thunderstorms because I'm only a natural disaster, nothing less and nothing more.

11:02 pm: I wish I was bulletproof to the shots of sadness that are fired at me, but I am left convulsing with panic attacks and heart palpitations. Is it weird to want to die of a heart attack? Is it weird to want to be one of your cigarettes that you bite between your teeth? I want to be on top of your lips. I want you to breathe me in. Nothing makes me more afraid than you diving head first into a sea of lies about how I am cold and distant, because I've never felt more close to someone as I do to you. You'll find that I am only shattered glass, but do I ever want to be more for you. I want to be better for you, I want to be able to see happiness pouring out of your eyes so I can drown in them.

11:44 pm: You're a broken home but I still want to retire inside of you. I'll rebuild you if you'd hand me the tools. You don't even have to do so, I will fix you so you stand stronger than you ever have. You are a piece of art painted drunk and I want to kiss your canvas until my lips have left an imprint on you and we merge as one mess. This city rains too much and I have to get out and be with you, even if it does rain too much where you are, you shine brighter than the sun ever could.

1:20 am: I've taken 5 more shots and I can't stop sobbing your name. If I were ever to run into you I feel like it would be in the emergency room, but I'd still kiss you. I've attempted to write how much I love dating the girl of my dreams, I hope I'm still yours.

2:07 am: The slashes in my wrist match the lines in my walls and I can't stop staring at them because you always just say you're fine and I know you're not. I want to be so much more than this pile of dust, I want you to think I hung each star in the sky for you and that I created each galaxy to try and show you my love for you. You don't have to read all of this, my words are small and empty no matter how much of myself I pour into them, but I hope you believe them for once. I want to be so much and so little at the same time. I'm at war with my body and you're holding up a white flag for me and I don't know if I can recover. Somehow I managed to find myself with a handful of pills, just like 3 years ago when I attempted suicide to an Ed Sheeran song. You can say I love you to me but when I say it to you, my lips ache and my head fills with warning signs because it's never been this real before.

4:31 am: I woke up with uneven heart beats because I think you've started to regret me and I'd be lying if I said it never happens. I hope to one day convince you that you put the air in my lungs every day and I don't think I'd wake up every morning without you. Those are two things I'm very sure of. I don’t really remember what I lived for before you, I guess I wrote ****** poetry and thought drowning was fun in some sick way. I’ve been thinking about the way you’re going to kiss me, I’ve been prescribed antidepressants for 3 years and they’ve never really worked but i think your lips could cure me. I remember when we first started dating, i thought skin was supposed to be destroyed and i think thats when you realized that this wasn’t a two person relationship, it was you and I and my depression. I didn’t think the small of my back would ever crave being touched by someone as it does when i think about you. You say you see stars in my eyes and I pray to god that they don’t turn into black holes. I’m letting you pick apart my glass heart piece by piece and i never knew you had such strong hands until i didn’t see a cut on them while you examined such a shattered mess. God, I’m trying to put into words how much i love you and i know you think i don’t mean them and I’m searching for the right words but every time i take a step forward i take two steps back but I’ll keep on pushing because baby, you’re worth more than I can put into words.
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