they told her all along she was safe
soft touches to her back
as everything spun they held her secure
when the laughter bubbled out of her reach
they smiled, eyes set on her

now her back lies on cold concrete
everything still spinning
her voice could break thru the walls, call them in
but something whispered to her
told her she always be void

and she thinks
she doesn't feel safe
maybe she really never was

they cant see her thoughts, hear her confusion
and she can't  (theirs)
shes like a leaf, not ready to fall
isolated from the rest
and she doesn't want this

no, she wants
her thoughts and theirs to be free
words
simple and clear
something to know she's not *alone

sitting in the trees
hidden from the world
she felt a calm essence that even the strongest winds
mightiest hurricane
couldn't dare break
when
the calm was ripped from her hands
gentle thoughts
lost
she saw him
and she knew

he was the reason
and how
this mysterious boy
shades the darkest of black
covering his emerald eyes
could
push her down
amongst the leaves on the ground
now she waited for him to walk across her

they always do

when did I let normal become
fake smiles
oversized sweaters
sunglasses to hide my eyes

I've become an actress
the kind who can't distinguish
where the stage ends
and the real world begins

how do I unmask the pain
shed all these layers
laugh genuinely
become just me again

In the dark we don't see our problems
All we can do is feel them
Trickling
Making there way through us
And there's no light
No sunshine to dry our tears
Vanish our fears
No it's just us against the dark

how many more words
more pages
capital bold letters
lives
hearts
are we going to ruin
tear apart
till we realize
from the beginning we were
in this
for
ourselves

All i wonder at night
is how to rid the sight of you
when all i want to do
is close my eyes

it's so easy to look back
see all the happiness
it radiates off everything
and its all apart of who she is

here surrounded by the white walls
the blaring beeps of the monitors
each saying the same thing
she's not the same

I want her in the wake of the worst
to feel the tips of my fingers,
and the tears that escape down my cheek
to understand
my pain won't go away
only once she meets my eyes and takes my hand,
and when I can ease the terror
I know, that's running through her brain

then,
I'll be able to close my eyes,
and wipe my face
know at last- *she's safe

it was pitch black
i was young and small
perched on your lap
your rough hands trailing mine
i was safe
you set me down
told me you would never abandon me

it was bright
i was confused and sullen
on the coarse cobblestone I sat alone
rays of light skimmed my flesh
i was a fish far from the sea
lying down i remembered your gentle words
your soothing eyes

how the time escaped us
how the unexpected broke our promise
how I wish i was in your embrace

but I can't do nothing
but see your face
your hands
your eyes
your lips
all behind the eyelids at my weakest time

sometimes I feel
so deeply that
the simple glance my way
my eyes will tear you apart
and if you dare
speak to me
i'm afraid
nothing but hate will
swirl around you
push you to your knees
bury you beneath

none of that happens
why
i am to weak
the pain deep inside me
never will you see

i skim over each line my shaky hands form
each letter so distinguished from the last
i like to see what i create
but with you
your eyes meet mine
you've read each thought I had
i wonder do you understand
and then the room is silent
everyone is gone
your ready to leave
each twitch of the finger
i know you want to go
but you stay
and all you create is a enigma in my mind
each passing of the sunset clock
i watch the crevices in your gentle silhouette
and wonder
what it would take for your soul to truly meet mine

to the mother who was my shield
the grass beneath my feet
through the rain and sleet
when all I could think about was letting go

to the mother who watched from the sidelines
you knew when to let me go
when I was at balance
and ready to compete

to the mother tucked in the overwhelming sheets
frail and small
the wires that measure your heart beat
now I watch
I smile

I've finally learned how to let go
I've finally learned when to let go
When you're gone
I think
I'll be okay

maybe you can't handle the tidal waves after all
even in the darkest depths of my despair
your feet don't stay grounded
and that's all i ever needed

they always say someone is out there
your hero
the savior of your nightmares
but what if
no one is out there
what if they got it all wrong
what if
i have to be strong
because I'm the only one

why can't I be happy
why can't I laugh
why can't I try
why can't I cry
I'll tell you the reasons
I'll tell you every hit I took
I'll tell you every step I took
but I won't tell you
why
if you care
find the answers behind my vacant eyes

He uses a paintbrush
She uses a pen
He styles with color
She styles with her name
Both so alike, yet so different

He stands tall
She is weak at the knees
He shows his work with a proud smile
She hides her work with tears running down her cheeks

By the end of the day projects are done
Hands are tired
minds are numb
One awaits a new day
the other wishes for the end to come

My brother told me
you would have not let any of it happen
you would stand tall
guard my every step

its the middle of may
just another month
we embark the day
you lost your way

when i close my eyes
all i see is darkness
i can no longer
make out your face

your voice
was it rough
or was it soft
on the ears

I don't know
and I don't know if you would stand up for me
why
because
I cant even
remember the way you held my shaky hands

im tired of trying
im tired of being okay in your eyes
the terror
the screaming agony
they're going to come out
darling, i hope your ready
for you're gonna meet
me
for who i really am

I still don't understand
I'm not what you wanted
I told you from the start
You shook your head
Your such a sweetheart
There eyes trail you like an invisible force
They want you
But
oh for some reason
all your love is for me

I'm waiting for that person
who they claim will take all my fears away
wrapped in their embrace
what does the ground feel like I'll say
i wont remember those times
level with the dirt

but

i don't agree
these theories need to face reality
for not a soul should change themselves for me
think of thyself before the one they meet
surely little old me
would only leave a scratch on their pure skin
not a chill
portrayed by the famous
in those fictional movies

why do i want to hide
when its always been in my eyes
for        
you
and
your
light
touches
to
see

i write about us
he works for them
my stories inspire
his work benefits every other
we both dream
we both work hard
but in the end
        we
             both
                    fall

July 29th 2001
I remember the sun was in an out
the same way people entered the house,
constantly, in an out,
next thing I remember is us getting our picture taken
standing beside each other,
respectively three and five.

Maybe at that point we didn't understand what was going on around us,
but I think in our own way,
we understood that things were changing,
that what we were used to,
would never be the same.

Now its July 29 2018
17 years has past,
we abandoned taking our picture together,
for whatever the reason, whether it's because we're older,
or more busier,
it doesn't matter.
Picture or no picture,
we both have adapted.
We don't have to stand next to one another,
to realize we're there for each other.

where did i go

in the mirror
eyes vacant
hair thin
lips ruby raw

spring on the rise
sun rays warmer each day
i’ll find me again