I was giving you an ocean,
but you were holding a cup.
Maybe I loved you
more than you wanted to be loved.

I peel my lips until there’s blood on my fingertips
Bite my inner cheeks ‘til I taste rust on my tongue
Rip the skin off the corners of my nails
And do things to amplify the pain

I stare at the sun until I’m blinded by its brightness
Hold my breath until claws split my mouth open
Punch walls until my hands are too frail to move
But I do nothing to heal

I fall too easily for those who never notice
I care too much for those who never looked my way
I try so hard to fix myself every time I fall
But end up being sliced by yet another force

I torture myself by paying attention
To those who gave me heartbreaks
I can’t seem to rid myself of stupidity
I can’t seem to rid myself of weaknesses

Who says you need others to break
When your will is enough to destroy your soul
Who says you need others to bleed
When everything you are is enough to cut you open

i whispered sweet words
right to your ears.
i let you get used to a routine
that was beautiful to me.

but you like girls
who prefer actions over words.
perhaps you like girls
who prefer spontaneity.

and if someone asks me one day,
what will i leave unspoken
and what will i freely utter?

how much further?
how much deeper?
how much farther?

i have nothing left to give.
you have nothing left to give.
we have nothing left.

There are people you miss
and you let them know.
There are people you miss
but they can’t and shouldn't know.

she gave you a wave,
but you're worth
all the oceans in the world.

she gave you a seed,
but youre worth
gardens and gardens of flowers.

imagine how
you were deeply happy with portions.
well i am here, willing to give you completion.

perhaps the worst thing to realize,
is that you still prefer parts of her,
than the entirety of me.

And there was I on bended knees,
asking God to grant that one wish,
that wish that I've been yearning for.
As I end my prayer, I find myself
asking Him how you've been.

And there was I on bended knees,
still asking Him to guide you,
still slipping little prayers for you.
I hope you're happy.
I hope your wishes come true.

I hope you'll be loved by someone,
who gives you love so deep like the ocean
and so much that it flows like a river out of you.
And I hope she'll never leave you feeling empty,
like how I felt when you left me.

I have all of these
unspoken words in my heart.
I wish I could blurt them out.

I write letters and messages,
scripts and speeches,
of the things I want to tell you.

But at the end of the day,
they are tucked away in my heart,
for they remain unspoken.

And yet a huge part of me says,
somehow, somewhere,
I'll let you know how much you meant to me;
perhaps how much you still mean.

you are
the cold December breeze
on a warm April summer.

you are
the random, surprise present
on an ordinary, uneventful day.

you are
the risen moon even if the sun
is still there, in broad daylight.

what i'm trying to say is that
you are unexpected, unforeseen.
you caught me off guard,
but you make me happy anyway.

i have nothing left to say.
i will keep everything in,
– bottled up, like i always do.

i have nothing left to say.
all our cherished, beautiful dreams,
i'll let them float away upon the sea of oblivion.

towards the far horizon,
i'll quietly surrender.
out of sight, out mind, out of touch.

fading quickly while the moon rises,
i have nothing left to say.
everything comes to an end.

i want to open up and release
everything that has been tearing me apart.
but i don't want to be that person
who killed the littlest rays of sunshine left in you.
i don't ever want to take that away from you.
not now, not ever.

hence,
i have nothing left to say now.

"You don't care about me anymore," she said.
That hit me hard, because I still cared about you.
- in my own convoluted, messy way.
But I cared about myself more,
that's why I made you think,
that I couldn’t care less about you.

she has a long list
of words
of feelings
of thoughts
that she wishes to tell you

and so she opened a book
and let those words
speak the words
that she was not brave enough
to utter

                                                          ­                  
—  apbq

everyday, a little piece of the broken me,
somehow puts itself back together when i write.
but when the silence of the night comes,  
all my emotions scatter around,
i find you once again
with all the sublime memories we had.
i fall apart all over again.

She told me she loves me,
like how the sea remains,
even if the shore shoves it away.
On the day she left,
I thought of the words she said.
I shouldn't have felt secured then,
for she compared her love for me,
to the shallowest part of the sea.
She did not love me deeply.

i do not desire to love you
as if you were a bright sunflower or a radiant moon,
or anything that is easy to adore.

i desire to love you
as how certain imperfections are to be loved,
cherishing even your withered petals and massive craters.

i want to love you
when you're happy
while your eyes glisten of euphoria,
and your mouth flashes a mirthful laugh.

i want to love you
when you're messed up,
while your tears rush across your face,
and your hands tremble as you yearn for an embrace.

this is how i desire to love you.
i want to give more radiance to your smile
and bring order to your chaos.
i want your lights and shadows,
even the in-betweens.

i desire to love you
both in your highest of highs
and lowest of lows.
so light up your cold heart
and rest your heart on me.

the truth hurts,
i knew.

but i was wrong,
for her truth did not just hurt,
it destroyed.
yet somehow, she expected me
to smile through the destruction.

i demanded for the truth,
until the truth destroyed me.

I always feared that the stars didn't align for us
but still words flowed between us,
letters floating through cyber space,
tinged with unspoken love.
Love we half-acknowledged.
Love that wouldn't be.

I don't love you anymore yet there's still the part of me that searches for you in the features of others' faces. Each time I ask myself why, yet I never have an answer.

Sometimes I find eyes similar to yours but when I look into them, I find that they are different and somehow, purer than yours ever were; and ever could be.

Other times, I feel hands on my body that feel like yours but they never are and although I don't love you anymore, I find myself hoping that you somehow you feel me.

Sometimes, I wish you knew how it felt - how it felt to be me and how it felt when you broke my heart and tore me apart. I wish you felt my pain with your bare hands and I wish you could see with your own eyes, what it did to me.

I  don't want you to know what you did to me because you already do. I want you to feel it and see it for yourself so you know it's true.

And sometimes you lie down alone and wonder whether you actually meant as much to her as you thought you did.

You wonder whether she thinks of you when she can't sleep at night and miss you like the way you miss her.

You question the decisions you made; could you have done things differently to make them stay?

You get angry – furious even, that they could be so selfish and inconsiderate to accept your love when they likely had no intention of sticking around to reciprocate it.

You’re a mess. You’re a vortex of emotions that words can’t even describe and the worst part is, even though you want to tell them how they made you feel, you can’t.

And that makes you feel pathetic.

Trust me, I know how it feels.

i could imagine you
filling the empty spaces
– on vacant cafe chairs,
the space on my bed,
even on my passenger seat.
and it hit me,
having you around
even in altered realities
makes everything else
seem so comforting.
perhaps you're my ****** pill.

where did i lose my warmth?
at which place had i turned my switch?

in starbucks? secondhand bookstores?
was it in the local bar or the liquor store?
in houses i crashed, couches i spent the night on
or of dorm rooms i slept at and sheets i found comfortable?

to what girl had i offered it in lieu of the rush?

had i made the trade with the girl
who dragged me through unlit streetlights
as she had her lips perched on mine,
opened my heart with intensity that made her tremble
and eventually turned me into a massive mess.
was it her? i was always too drunk to recall.

or perhaps i gave it away, little by little
to the bartender in a black shirt
with a walrus at the back,
and his sadness was seen in his eyes every night.
we never really spoke.
i ask for shots, he gives them to me.
but he understood. i know he always did.
he looks at me in a way.
all fuckups know why we do the things we do
was it with him?

or was it the cigarette lady
from where i lit my first menthol stick
and swallowed the cough
that i really wanted to release?

maybe it goes farther back

had i lost my warmth in words?
in unsent text messages?
literature? poetry? essays? prose?
metaphors – not at all.

i lost it when i was eight
when i knew about my father's infidelity
when i felt my first rejection
when i felt so unwanted
when my heart broke for my mom
there, in that very dark room had i lost it all.

but the better question should be:
was it ever there?

just like how an artist
blends two opposing colors,
to create a breathtaking shade,
i carefully choose my words,
no matter how complex
or contradicting,
just to make you feel
important and loved.
please come back.
come back to me.
come home to me.
i feel empty.

Sometimes, you lie down alone and wonder whether you actually meant as much to her as you thought you did.

You contemplate whether she thinks of you when she can't sleep and dream at night and you hope that she misses you like the way you miss her.

You question the decisions you made and you begin to think deeply; could you have done things differently to make her stay?

You get angry - furious even, that she could be so selfish and inconsiderate to accept your love when she highly likely had no intentions of sticking around.

You’re a mess. You’re a vortex of emotions that words can’t even describe and the worst part is - even though you want to tell them how they made you feel, you can’t.

And that makes you feel pathetic.

Trust me, I know how it feels.

It's okay, I tell myself. It's absolutely okay to feel deep sadness about the things I thought I've moved on from. Go easy, go easy on yourself. I know I want to be free. I'll get there eventually. But tonight, I'll allow myself to feel. I'll allow myself to grieve. I'll allow myself to succumb to all the lonely feelings. It doesn't mean I'm weak. It just goes to show how truly and how deeply I cared. I'm not gonna shrug it off.

It might take a little longer. It might require buckets of tears. But I know that in time, I'd look back and remember tonight - I'll remember how lonely I felt, but I still believed that life is significant. I'll remember tonight and feel relieved, that this amount of unhappiness can turn into golden, genuine smiles ...in time.

i. you never ceased to begin and end your day by saying “i love you.” it’s the little things matter. it’s the little things that make my day complete.

ii. i know nothing with certainty about most things, but with you i am more than certain. with you, i’m entirely sure. i hope you are too.

iii. let me be your cigarette so i could touch your lips.

iv. i have tired eyes and a tired mind from running away from my demons all day. you know exactly how to calm me down. perhaps you and only you can help me feel at ease. thank you for slaying my demons for me.

v. i feel the sting of the sun. the moon has set. i sacrificed sleep just so i can spend more time with you. i want more hours with you.

vi. i’m fighting off sleep yet again just so i can hear your voice on the phone. sing for me, my love.

vii. i have never felt safe anywhere in this world, until i felt your embrace. your arms feel like home.

viii. you made me listen to a new song today. it’s beautiful. you’re beautiful.

ix. as the band sang on stage, you held my hand. you looked at me while you sang the sweetest line from the song. in that moment, i felt like i’m the luckiest girl in the crowd.

x. for the longest time, i’ve been afraid of heights. “you can do it! close your eyes and jump,” you told me. my hands were trembling. my legs were shaking. i was barely breathing. i took a leap of faith and jumped, knowing that you were there at the bottom waiting there for me. not even my deepest and darkest fear can stop me. you make me fearless.

xi. i only have the silver moonlight in me but you wouldn’t even dare trade the brightest star, the glow of the sun, with the light gleam that i have. you make me feel like i can outshine anyone. “lumiere, darling, you’re beautiful” you said.

xii. i was cold and you gave me your jacket. i saw you shiver while you handed it to me. i knew in that moment that you would sacrifice everything for me. i love you.

xiii. how i wish you would defend me when someone talks **** about me. i feel betrayed. you know me better than they do. don’t do it again, i beg you.

xiv. i’d open the door for you again and again. that’s what scares me.

xv. when we spent time apart, i asked myself, how can emptiness feel so heavy?

xvi. we were talking about our future, and i’ve never wanted to fight for something so much in my life.

xvii. someone stole my color and threw it to the wind. i don’t know if i will still find it, but you still looked at me like i’m the brightest rainbow.

xviii. you said you are afraid to lose me. i am hoping that you wouldn’t have the strength to face your fear and leave. not now, not ever.

you taught me something new,
something simple but true;
something important but only realized by a few.

you taught me that weary hearts can feel again,
and even scarred hearts can be freed from strain.
you made me forget my fear of feeling pain.
you, yes you, keep me sane.