Why do we choose the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones who want us ? Why do we seek what we cant have and do not acknowledge what we can have ? Were contradictors we say we want attention, affection & love but the ones who are willing to provide us with love we push away and constantly embarrass are self trying to get attention from the ones who treat us like trash is this what seeking for love is like, just lurking around seeking what loves us mutually out of thousands of people on this earth ? How is there another soul just right for me? If everyone just living in contraction

No emotions what so ever,
Iv become cold and numb
Like the winters frozen water
Every day I feel emptier n emptier
I know Im supposed to feel some type of feeling but what is there to feel anymore I go on with life day by day in saudade  just reminiscing  on the past and questioning my future , wondering if Ill ever feel happy if Id ever fall in love again but just the thought of it scares me. I go by meeting new ppl every day getting to know them, they start to feel something towards me and me?? Oh nothing I cant feel a thing for no one maybe Im not ready, maybe its not the right time, maybe it was just not ment  for me.
I constantly try to build emotions and try to create a picture but nothing its just a blank sheet.
my feeling are all gone my heart has become numb and defensive . I guess it got tired of being treated like it was nothing, now it treats others like nothing.
I've  become who I said Id never become a cold hearted person that doesnt give a **** about nothing is this good or bad, iv pushed away many and iv used others for my convenience, iv used her as a shield to feel safe to have someone I can come to when Im drunk at 4am but after those drinks leave my system and quilty pleasure is made shes no longer needed
Ive miss treated family members cause they once miss treated me and iv become bitter and hateful cant even talk to them cause a rush of anger builds up
What have I become ?
Just another emotionless person running around breaking hearts cause it desires comfort for just a few minutes because its lost and doesnt know what to feel,
Or just another person that seeks revenge n constantly hates the elderly ?
Daze in n daze out Ive slowly dazed into the un none zone were nothing makes sense anymore .

Like a guardian angel who protects his holy kingdom,
I protect my heart from those heartless souls who want to rip it apart,
My heart is sacred
Cause I once was foolish enough to let a devil tear it apart
And took a lot to rebuild my own heart
I won't make the same mistake
Twice
So all though you may seem like an angel even the devil was once an angel full of dark thoughts

Letting go! Is letting go as easy as said ? 
Does letting go happen in one day ??
It’s been weeks and I still think of you ! I still miss you I still love you but you love her .
Last night you creeped in my thoughts while she creeped in my bed as I kissed her sweet caring and wanting lips I still craved you I craved your lips, your touch your fragrance not that I didn’t enjoy the company! But it wasn’t you! She called me daddy and I thought of you she did very **** things but I still thought of you! Having someone in my bed the next morning that wasn’t you didn’t feel the same It didn’t feel like home I’m not sure if it was a mistake or to help heal the pain, 
I touched her body aroused her skin, kissed her softly from head to toe and held her tight against my chest as the late night made its way to meet with the sunrise she scratched my back yelling my name, I pulled her hair back that seemed to make her insane as our body intertwined and clothes were being ripped apart like wolfs creeping in the dark night 
in my mind my heart howled for you! 
I layed back holding her but deep inside I was wishing it was you ? Why can’t you get out my head why do you drive me insane??? All I did was love you and you ran away to your ex.
Do you think of me when you talk to her do you think of me when she tells you sweet words?? 
Why do I torture my self continuously ? 
why do I think you’ll come back when I know deep down it’ll never be.
I guess I’ll never know how to let go until I forget you with the next

I'm tired of always getting my hopes up for some **** and at the end of the day getting hurt by putting my hopes higher than they should,
I'm tired of going around the same cycle
Like a routine
It's begins at something
Leads to something
Start to get my hopes up and
There's nothing.
As if my love life consisted of just broken hopes and dreams always wanting and wishing for something that will never fully be there
My love life is like a short season it comes temporary than leaves it's was beautiful while it was in season than fled.
I guess love was never meant for me
I guess it was never meant to stay it was just meant to be like the seasons to come and make the best of its season than leave at the next season peak and I'm like the trees that blossoms beautifully when it's love season arrives and dies letting each colored leave fall as the cold lonely season peaks .

Mix emotions & Scattered thoughts running threw my heart and mind
Nervous feelings And anger flow threw my veins ,
All these mix signals I can't contain my body gets numb and my thoughts start to race,
teeth start to grip tightly together as my tongue try's to say all the things I been trying to say
I can't control these signals there all over the place I'm lost and I can't find my way out this mess
I question my heart and it goes insane not knowing what it feels inside
I ask my mind what it wants and it starts to Rome and gaze cause it can't find whats right
What do I do with this feeling? what do I do with what's on my mind ?
If my pride would let me iD spill my feelings like a splash of paint exposing what's on my heart and mind like a piece of art filled with love passion and pain