Daddy was a sailor, but I stuck to toy ships in the bathtub - and it’s only as far as I got into the deep waters.
I swam a flash of a lifetime and only as far as the watchful eye of the lighthouse could see.
Past that range I never set my anchor in, but that didn’t stop me from gazing ahead through my sextant’s cracked lens.
I ran my fingers across the nautical chart and all the bays were just circles I kept walking in the dark, but I threw wood into the hearth to keep myself from freezing.
I kept me warm when times got rough.
My home is like a port side, but there’s a nautical knot around my heart.
My quarters are in cobwebs and the door is boarded up.
I write so it’ll get better, but all a sailor says is lies.
How do I lose the great whites biting into the stern of my boat?
I didn’t want to sink.
So I headed back to the port.
Lord enlighten me and let my heart go on.

My hotheadedness I take after my grandfather and my softheartedness from Jesus himself.
I’m trying my best to be brave like my father but the wind and the waves and the deep waters, they scare me off.
I feel a little adventurous, but that’s a feeling that washes off, when the tides rise or lightning strikes or when I see another boat.
My heart is covered in nautical knots and I shoot flares into the sky, only so when I get heard I sail back to hide
in the cold navy naiveness.
Lord give me strength to be brave like them.

My old man upstairs, he loves to remind me of what I think I need.
14 dreams in, I need to make up my mind or start writing my will.
I try so hard to lose the great whites
to free my heart and have it go on like a tugboat of a drunken sailor fallen overboard.
My man one floor higher, he sometimes brings me to heights higher and higher.
He watches me sweat fighting fire with fire
but I can’t keep falling for someone new just to forget the one before him.
I’m quietly hoping
I’m quite nearly there
off the desired shore
of the Avalon Island.
My father was a sailor, but he threw in the towel for a reason I don’t know, I played with wooden ships in the four walls of my home.
I never sailed so far off that land merged into sky and everything was blue, the sea, the skies and I.
So lord enlighten me and say how long to wait, divine me coordinates when it’s right.
Let my heart float away like a letter in a bottle thrown astray to that one person a billion waves away.
Avalon is an island far away, but distance is a made up thing.
It doesn’t matter if I’ll have you here, cause in heaven I’ll have everything.

The higher we go
To space
The freer I feel my baby
You find my hand
The heat
It soothes my aching head

All the rains are gone, I’m listening to the hummingbirds
All the skies are clear, I spin, watching the dance of planets
Because you know what makes a man like me happy, baby
I’m beside you, bedside blues but I’m undressed

I love the moon
The sun
The stars like I’m Daenerys
You make me shine
Brightly
And so I feel like I’m the greatest

Tell me truly, did you know you were falling for a stargazer
I hope you know, I’ll picture us both in the stardust chasing
The shooting stars as they dash and we would be interlacing
Into a cometh that others would see

All the rains are gone, I’m listening to the hummingbirds
All the skies are clear, I spin, watching the dance of planets
Because you know what makes a man like me happy, baby
I’m beside you, bedside blues but I’m undressed

Maybe in the space we can be together
Maybe in the unknown I can be yours forever
Maybe then I would be perfect in your eyes
And I wouldn’t have to try not to get lost in starry skies
I stand proud like a statue of a god
Tryna get you to join my yerba mate club
If you come, know I got you till the sun stops
Be your bed gargoyle and watch you through the night
You ***** me like a lightbulb and I shine
Aloft I feel when you push me high up
You make me who I am so I stay by your side
And I stay the same
Except now I’m not

I wanna wake up to the sound of ice clinking in a glass of wine
thinking:
**** me for falling asleep so soon.
I wanna hold you as the moon
creeps outside the window
leaps over flamingos
and swimming pools that wash off dunes.

I wish I had bought you something cute on Rodeo Drive
but you’re the rich one
I’m your sugar baby for life.

I was waiting for the walking green at the time
thinking:
I don’t wanna wear you off like a typhoon.
On our honeymoon
we stopped by Dayton Way
I asked my heart some questions
And then I found the way.

life is simple but
some things are clear in the dark,
in the soft moonlight.

I keep a few bucks for a rainy day,
just in case I fall too hard for you and I’ll think I can’t escape.
I keep them for a fortune teller’s say
so they’ll divine our souls’ whereabouts in a couple years.

I don’t wanna chase
My legs and heart are sore
I don’t wanna chase you
If I will never catch you

But if you take a glance under all of my layers
Climb over the fence that’s immune to prayers
I’ll love you
I’ll give you every smile I have
I’ll love you
Like I should’ve loved myself.
I’ll love you like a painting when you’re 60 and your beauty’s fading.
I’ll love you like I love Amy.
I’ll love you like Red Hot Chili Peppers love California in mañana.
I’ll love you like I love Lana.
I’ll love you when you lose yourself and whimper like a baby.
I’ll love you like I love David.
I’ll love you from a booth in the Midwest if all we’ll get is calling.
I’ll love you like I love Joni.
I’ll love you when the trees are naked and they’re green and leafy.
I’ll love you like I love Stevie.
Because it’s ****** to walk alone
Alone at heart at lonely roads, so listen:
I’ll love you like I should’ve loved myself
You make me feel exceptional, but I need a tarot reading
You make me feel unique, but my heart and legs are weary
I’ll love you if you let me love you
if you hear the desperation that I so don’t try to hide
and with those few bucks I’ve been holding on to
I’ll buy you something sweet - you seem the sweet type of guy.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

This is divine providence
Heart shaped arrows tipped with strophanthus
This is not deliverance
Love potions leave you with a bitter aftertaste
Now I’m waiting for summer to come
Now I’m grateful for no roses in my house
I didn’t assign my soul to another
And I didn’t confess when I wanted to
This is divine providence
I know from a gypsy in Providence, Rhode Island, provided I wasn’t jinxed.
I’m still up for Portsmouth, New Hampshire, slowly dance eyes up, still looking at the wandering stars above.
This is divine providence
This is no coincidence
I don’t know what to believe
Amidst cosmic ambivalence
This is divine providence
This is divine interference
I can see it clearly now
This is divine involvement

˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩
˚:✧ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩
˚:✧ ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ *˚:✧ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ ⋆･ﾟ:⋆˚✩ ˚⋆･ﾟ:⋆*˚✩

For the record, I don’t give a ****.
I haven’t given one since the day I dropped “Hollywood”, really.
For the better, I don’t push my luck.
I haven’t had a lucky streak since the day that never came.
For the record, I’ve never had a movie night on Valentine’s Day that turned into a French kiss marathon under the projector
I’ve never sat abreast on bleachers with my head on someone’s shoulder, feeling normal, listening out for a taco truck, ******* hating the heat but loving the breeze.
And loving the track he thought was fire enough to share with me.
If I were to share one, I’d play “Thinking Of You” by Sister Sledge, be like “I love the lyrics, they make me think of you”,
but I never got to say that.
The only thing that ****** me raw was life and it wasn’t even that good.
It wasn’t addicting.
It was nowhere near good.
For the record, I’ve never been to prom and I’m blessed to not have gone.
I wouldn’t dare dance my own way and my way is taboo, an elephant in the room.
Not even the scent of my perfume or a wine topper going off could give me confidence to be honest with myself,
to stop being an average bystander just to become part of the background or a meek voice that’s sinking into traffic south of El Sereno.
I don’t want what’s expected of me, please stop asking.
Find me out at El Camino, but please stop writing my life for me.
I don’t wanna have kids, I don’t want a wedding.
I don’t want a “wife plus kids” happy ever after package.
I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want this.
For the record, I’ve never had a Netflix session gone ****** and my favorite memory is my first day in LA.
I’ve never kissed anyone in the school’s restroom and then ran out cause our song was on, was part of a party’s tracklist.
That’s why I’m setting the record straight, I’m done showing a facade that’s fake.
The only thing that ****** me was life and it wasn’t satisfying
I liked smoking more
but I’ve only smoked five cigarettes.

I think I’m alive to have butterflies
run around like a sociopath with my butterfly net and like every one I catch
be like “You’re so ******* beautiful, but I have a hundred just like you”
this is me being honest.
I think I exist to have eyes for guys
change them like clothes when I find better looking ones that don’t suit me anyway
Oh, lord have mercy, I’m simping my way into my grave.
I think I’m alive to be all smiles
I’m a ****** of adrenaline that gets me hyperventilating and dilates my eyes
Keeps me up until 3, forces to contemplate what I’m losing and what I can save
Oh, lord have mercy, I’m ******* my way into my grave.
He’d make me sing like na na na na na.
*** on bleachers, hearing Bananarama.
Sit next to me like “Ayo, Lana Banana, where’s the smile on your face, today’s mine or your place?”
These cheerleaders have sun bright futures, all I’ve is decay, but you, Juan, you can take me to your place.
I don’t want ***, I want a hug. A friendly face amidst these *******, a seat next to you in the back of the bus, this was supposed to be my heartstopper, what went wrong?
I got to feel like Charlie for a day, now I’m the gay cousin, it’s official, my heart’s wants are superficial, phone’s still not buzzing.
I used to be interrogated at family functions about my love life, I had none to little.
I used to ride in the back of the school bus with all the coolest people.
I have a bi pride flag baptized with a water cannon by a drag queen in a fabulous orange wig.
I sang Lady Gaga on a pride parade, I saw a cute gay couple and it made me think why not me?
But then I thought that one day it will be worth sitting alone and keeping love confessions at the tip of my tongue, believe me when I say I deserved better.
This year I’ll get the luxury of living a life.
I pray for it when I lay down in bed.
For the record, I want everything I never had.
To be honest, if you’re on board, just don’t be delicate.

I don't wanna have to be poetic in love no more
only choose the citrus shampoo and perfume
for you My Love.
I don't wanna have to celebrate every month anniversary
but I will never forget March 27 - that's when I realized how much you mean to me.

Won't push your name outta my dictionary
or your face outta my head.

I don't wanna have to outdo myself every night
I can't always be your guardian
But I can work a lullaby

Instead of writing ballads - I cook for you
pretty much breathe for you
I do it all idealistically and thorough
it's just that..
I don't get poetic in love no more.

I make your bed for you,
but don't open the door.

I cooked pretzels for your birthday,
instead of gifting you a rose.

I tell you everything I feel,
but nothing comes in prose.

Sometimes I think
the reason I cling to you
is because you haven't had the time to hurt me yet.
But I want to believe
straightforward that
You are just the one for me.

I like to smell bellflowers in Bellflower, California.
I love the hilltops over Glendale and Mount Hollywood Drive.
Like myself I love them.
I fantasize about highways and neck kisses in the night
Being driven blindfolded to a spot in Griffith Park
Get me out and lead me wherever you want

I dream a bunch of airplanes, but this isn’t JFK
But I don’t dream of oceans nor the ones who tried to drown me screaming help
You brought me to a different beach and as I came out all sandy
I showered it off in the motel and had you on top with your chain dangling
But when I killed the light
I didn’t dream of anything bad.
I didn’t hear waves rolling in my subconsciousness or feel the smoothness of my hands
I felt lucky that this happened to me
not necessary happy, but if I grow to cherish roadtrips like this, we’ll go again and I’ll end up laughing on our way home.
Listen to my favorite record
or a song stuck in your head.

For now I’m lying face up thinking
before I find happiness I gotta embrace my sadness.
Like she did.

I think about Cindy when our laser sights meet
at some point in space,
what’s so victorious about you I wonder,
Venus,
three poems are enough to express your lack of knowledge about me,

I look out of my car window but this time it is the real thing,
which I’ve been anticipating,
turn the purple lights on like on the set director,
learn to be a potent factor,
I don’t open up about homemade allegories,
lasers meet,
at one point,

I storage arcane sketches in remote places and your mind unfamiliar,
you paint and paint,
when we both evidently know you’ve mistaken everything about me,
you know very little about me,
but you found my weak spot like through laser vision,

you’re different than my other girls,
you find a use in it like the greatest individual philosopher,

you don’t accept advices directly through mail, but through air,
through the light like an enduring beam
of purple light,
it started with Violet,

you are just something else.

[Part 1 - Undone]
I got in the shower with my headphones on, listened to my favorite singer sing about getting naked and I haven’t related to a song as much since the time she sang about being born to be the other woman, cause I was born to be the other man and I made my peace with that.
Maybe we’ll meet in another life.
Maybe then I’d be happy by his side.
Anyway, I’m gone now.
I had no reason to stay.
Call me up if you want me to do something for you
like run an errand
or ****.
Ima set this as my voicemail, so all the men who things haven’t worked out with will hear it.
I could still give you something.
I’m not over you as much as I wish I was.

[Part 2 - Bitchslap]
My baby is the biggest sadist under the moon
You create mayhem but I can’t stop loving you
You make me sad like the ******* sky’s blue
You inflict pain and sweetness and I can’t break loose
It’s just circles, it’s just dead ends for you.
I could be a god, but still not good enough for you.
My baby is the biggest sadist under the moon
You paint me blue but I can’t stop liking you
I’m suffocating when we’re in the same room
You don’t give a ****, but I’m so obsessed with you.
I need a distraction
I need to take action
He’s sweet, but I’m auto-destructive with my fantasies.
I’m so not over any of them,
but I’m choosing to forget that I can’t have them.
I could still give them something.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
Do they ever think of me?

[Part 3 - Candy Crush]
Takes me to the Hamptons, I’m the apple of his eye.
Sings Dylan up real close, I’m his groupie for life.
Sweet like coca cola, I get high off him at night.
Chews me up and spits me up like I’m cherry bubble gum.
Takes me to festivals, I’m his vintage money.
Drives me to the vistas, I’m his bitter honey.
Without him I’m nothing, I’m the light of his life.
I’m his little baby, every day and night.
Sweet like sugar baby,
Only ride or die.
Nothing to lose baby,
Like Bonnie and Clyde.
I got nothing to lose now,
I’m his baby for life.
I learned to flirt from TV,
Decipher me from WikiHow.

[Part 4 - Errands]
Pick me up from school, we can run some errands.
Drive me to your place, choose the fastest highway.
Handle me with care, I go ahead like a Ferrari.
I speedrun relationships, ***** I’m motopapi.
Let me run my hands up your thighs, hang on your shoulders.
Let me caress your hip bones, gently collide our foreheads.
I can sleep on his hips, I ain’t going anywhere.
Follow me on socials and then to the shower.
Once you go bad, there’s no going back.
There’s no going back.
He can play some hip hop, so his neighbors won’t hear.
Crash me into the ocean, LAPD in the rear.
Once you go brave, you won’t ever give a ****.
You won’t ever give a ****.
I can undress him slowly, I can drive him like a Lambo.
Run my hands upwards like I’m doing a glissando.
Once you go to town, you’re a local there.
You’re a local there.
My consciousness is calling, Ima call you back in two weeks.
My senses are calling, Ima call you back in never.
“What the hell are you doing?” they keep asking me.
Running errands, that’s what I am doing.
I never had a boyfriend, but I’ve had fun in spite of that, that’s the least I could have so why’re they surprised I did?
Now I want the bare minimum and I wanna get it daily like I’m buying groceries, meet somebody new, write his number down on a Walmart receipt, call him up and get my hopes up, get hooked up and give him up.
I’ll see him in another life.
I might love him in two.
He might love me back in ten.
You’re hella cute, hella cute when you stutter, I like your face but you’re also hella outta reach, nowhere close to my dominion.
Hell, at least run an errand with me, it’s the bare minimum.
Pick me up from the gardens, we can waste our time.
Drive me to the riverbed just to break my heart.
Don’t ask me for money, hit me up to chat.
I got nothing to do, nobody here to love.
So it’s no wonder why I want all the things above.
Treat me like a ghost,
I’m gone as we’re speaking.
At least give me a call,
I’m not gone entirely.
I don’t regret what I do, even if it winds up fruitless.
It’s the minimum of it, both its grandeur and crudeness.
It’s a crazy thing.
You and I both know this won’t work, but it’s the best we’ve ever had.
It’s the best we’ve ever had.
The hardest thing is knowing when to give up and I made my peace with that.
I made my peace with that.
Run errands with me, take me to your place, give me what others have.
Get naked in the shower.
Get drunk on hope.
Give up, repeat, crash into the ocean.
Let’s do something together.
Just to stop feeling lonely.
Get high on the minimum of what we’ve never had.
Even if it’s for the night.
Drive me to your house.
Don’t blame me for being this way.
I gave up on the good life long ago and I made my peace with that.

no service out here
summer is finally over and i’m set free from my chain
now i’m left to wonder by myself
about where do i go from here
what i do know for sure at the moment
is that i won’t have spent the night calling the failed romantics hotline
with u in my heart i’ll make it until sunrise
i have no tears to hold now
no steam to blow off now
and i put my citrus perfume on to enchant the fall night
to brighten it up and to forward oxygen to fire towards its apogee at midnight
i’m not crying anymore
world cut me i’ll bleed ichor

if there’s someone watching over me indeed
don’t pull me out of this cycle please
let stars burn in peace
i won’t allow the world to burn me out- i promise this!
u just have to trust me infinitely and without doubt to achieve peace
because i’m never stopping again until i enchant u to me
i’m done losing people- that’s all

i won over the heat
over the coldness within me
cater the spark so it evolves into fire
the way i’ve been taken care of so now i’m who i am
i promise to everyone who listens- i’ll keep my love alive all four seasons!
night or day- winter or summer
i promise to keep u safe until spring when we first met
and i was finally lit on fire
my mind is a sunlit coast now
it’s a cruel summer
i don’t mind being sunburnt
i love the heat u bring me- i’ll take care of it- i swear!
i’ll hide the flame in my arms so it won’t waver by the wind
i’ve failed such thing before but i’m capable now- i promise this!

this fire
it’s growing so hot that it’s turning blue
it’s pushing me violently into bed with u
add wood or it’ll die
extinguish it or i’ll die from the heat from the rush and the devastating wildfire
the havoc of my past life
the highlight of my summer nights
the beginning of my high life
don’t listen to me when i cry
i’m somebody else then
i promise i’ll make things right!

i’m not hot
i’m not cold
something in between- or professionally i’m in love

i’m as hot as cinder
i taste like citrus and salty sea water
i’m a breathtakingly beautiful seashell- as pretty as lonely
and i’m strong but also fragile alas i can never change it
i’m carried places with no consent by strangers
who don’t think the way i do and aren’t the way i am
i’m like this ceramic-like treasure but when they put me in their pocket
in midst of all the things to forget
i break
i fall to pieces as a ceramic vase shatters
i’m fragile and requiring to be held in a delicate way
i wish people could understand that
but people aren’t like u- they can’t decipher me plus u love me and u know me
and u know how to handle something between hot and cold like me

anyways- i’m glad i won’t have spent my life calling the failed romantics hotline
instead i’ll be calling u
love of my life

What on Earth is happening?
is it a sunrise,
or a sunset?
try to find beauty in this astronomical disaster,
the eclipse ended,
it feels like Sunset,
or not...
it feels like Roswell,

what am I doing?
just trying to stay highly protected from this detrimental radiance,
seven killer shots before I performed my first ever rain dance,
and what are you doing?
absolutely nothing,
because you ceased to exist as a result of my unending prayers,
you’re unknown to me,
like an alien,

you’re the unidentified walking object to my inside dependable radar,
diamond doesn’t shatter apparently,
mine did,
and it’s working,
it feels otherworldly like I am on a different planet in space,
three stars,
no rain,
starlit wasteland named after my savior,
and a poem titled ‘Feels like Roswell’,
this took a bizarre turn,
on the spacial turnpike,
difficulty spike,
caramel flavored life,
distorted lullaby,
Elizabeth’s stare,
rocky land,

distortion in time and vision at once,
my world is upside down,
my sad baby found me,
how?
****, I’ll ask the stars;
meditation leads to war with the shiny archipelago,

the neon pink flamingo,
void I don’t avoid,
New Mexico,
Roswell is real and breathing,

triple sunset,
what on Earth is happening?

Dark hair, cute eyes, yes, I like that.
But it’s not everything about a man I want.
My fetish is honesty, realness, when he listens.
When he tells me I said the same thing twice.
If you think that we’re not meant then don’t prolong it.
What’s meant to crash will crash anyway.
And don’t you ever break my heart for fun.
It’s always been my least favorite metaphor.
And my least favorite reason to run.

Cause my heart doesn’t break.
If they told you I scream your name at midnight it was fake.
But don’t you say a word to your friends.
I know your address.
Why don’t you straight up say it to my face.
That you knew we were not meant and let me crash into you.
You closed the gate in the last second.
Was quite the explosion.
And I still remember that look on your face.
It was so unattractive.
That smell of a sweet fruit that’s gone stale.
My kink is real **** but you were just fake.

And I finally mean it when I say I’m over you.
Cause my heart doesn’t break.
And I finally mean it when I say I’m over you.

Cards tossed well
bewitched to nowness
synonymously in the northern west to Roswell I reside
Laurel Canyon cast life is veined in music you get high to
no doubt along the way
or decay
autumn has passed and swiped all forms of grief away.
I wanted an ornament so I bought me eight
for me to debate
about my vogue or the way I walk
and hope
and love
To find an odd one out in process unchained
only because my next stop on the lunar highway is to
burgeon in peace in subtle light
Discard liabilities
fronting mirrored me
proudly wearing fine filigree.

The coastline bent over breaking through sea level,
not a single constellation will stay the same forever,

I almost fell up when you landed,
past the frost moon and the overheat wave out of place,
after the fractured embrace pictured between Barbara and hell,
everyone now knows everything,

I lost the test which I usually ace,
same shade as the belt just above your waist,
silverish luster comparable to a cosmic cluster so enigmatic,
no one has ever described,
even I on the day heavens fired
a fireball which splashed into the deep blue oceanic eyes of mine,
with deep poetry instead of cold water,
freezing and vibrating like the wings of a South America butterfly,
moving further barely like a bayou,
in East, not the paradisal Malibu,
wish faster under the descent of disaster, of course enigmatic,
I’ve said ton of verses but never three words directly formed,
and those were ‘I love you’,
you don’t know a thing and it’s funny to me,

me versus irreplaceable limitations which both exist on my way and not,
I thought I’d heal my wounds with salt and forced laugh,
then I discovered Sylvia Plath,
and I’ve lived until I found the way out which has no personification,
born of cosmic inflation,
upon the world creation,
I’ve been through a revolution, through war with the walls and you now,
but the fire moves always in the opposite direction,
that was January,
when I loved but said no, to avoid the lesson,

it happened, hurt, and gave me one life lesson,
I was born with my poetry upon world creation and now I just have to let it out,

everyone now knows everything,

everyone except for you.

Drifting in this unprecedented feeling
of dreamlike quality
My ocean in a bottle sweetness and fantasy fused into completeness
My philosophical creation vital and at peak

you warm me up like firelight

You have unaffected power potted flower of chaos bewildering
Greatness taken to the higher level
as if all that ever fascinated me has never taken place.
No one has ever spoken.
in such calm tone as you in my wilting hours in victorian beginnings
Tracking down the summer
through translucent covers to my deepest self enlightened

No sea will be flown in valediction
exceptionally beatific charming waves caused to move by change
Northern West
you flawlessly being flawless
chained spiritually arbitrarily and accepted
Capital of summertime bliss
firelight

Deflagrating mightly
madly from kilometers away apathy influenced by poetic manners
Taken to hyper speed and mindset of purity repeating in warm waves
No ocean world generated in polar areas
not even coldness of the night
Nothing fancy never took place

You warm me up
you’re my firelight

I dress to **** and I **** for fun.
I got all the bags and for money they run.
I’m into winning haters over, it’s my hobby.
And if you don’t pay tribute, this ain’t over, catch a body.
You’re over and I’m only getting started.
No lover but my boo got all my pics hearted.
Plain Jane and I’m rocking that Versace shirt.
No name and I’m high-fiving celebs, hold the girl.

**** me or *******.
I don’t buy your bull but buy expensive ****.
Wack but you’re still hot, can’t deny it.
So make your mind up or stop hindering me.

I dress for revenge and I avenge everything.
I’m winning every game and make sure you’re spectating.
I can rock vampire fangs, I could be your villain arc.
I got Kylie challenge lips, I can kiss yours in the dark.
But you’re playing! and you ain’t even winning.
Think you’re flexing? nah honey, you’re spreading the red carpet for me.
Know your worth! next to me you ain’t a penny.
Think I care? You in the top million things that affects me.

**** me or *******.
I don’t buy your bull but buy expensive ****.
Pretty but ******, it ain’t working for me.
Real ****, I did like you, now I rub that **** in.

Grab something quick, cause you falling off.
Joke, you’ve been lying face down at the bedrock.
Could’ve been my bed but you ain’t made it.
Could’ve said I ain’t it, but you didn’t say ****.
Could’ve won ya over but I’m kinda glad I didn’t.
You stay playing games, but I got better achievements.
I’d compete, but I need at least some competition.
You’re worthy, but only of cleaning up my *******.
I’m an effin’ G, go build me an effigy.
Why you so effin’ jelly, on top of that buttery.
I saw you the other day and I was like eww.
Whatever I smoked to be attracted to you.
Kinda glad now I ain’t leaned to kiss you up there.
Bonafide ******* and certified **** muncher.
I’m what you wish you were, I’m grateful I ain’t you.
Now watch me be a faker, cause you didn’t want me true.
You want my spot, then go clean my ***.
I eat a lot, I’m eating this **** up.
You want my spot, loser I dare you not.
You ain’t spitting facts, just go get a mop.

So *******, I guess.

I started dreaming about him and then I stopped.
You’re only in love forever until you’re not.
He was my all but now I don’t even feel possessionless having parted ways.
Cause love is love until it’s not.

I fell in love with him and then I fell out.
He was my second half until we fell apart.
I ran into his arms like a coffee shop and it tasted real good.
It’s just that I had my share of you.

I’m nobody’s until I’m someone’s
and I’m taken until I’m free.
I swear I could’ve been forever with him,
but I guess finite are all things that are free.
Now I’ve no interest in finding the reason
cause love is a myth until it isn’t.

recently i learned
strawberries and cherries taste
so sweet together

When I woke up today I had this urge to say ‘*******’.
But I guess I wrote a poem instead.

I let them watch my spiral from an angel to a *******
I let them talk ****, now I’m immune to it
First you love that I’m depressed, then you’re mad I’m living life
You think a dehydrated man wouldn’t chug on water, like?
I let them watch my spiral
I let them watch my climb
I let them watch me cry
Now I let them watch me live my life

All his nonsense spitting got me tanning by the motel pool.
I left the trailer park.
I had to kool off soon.
Jack is always listening to me spitting nonsense about injustices and things you can’t change or rekindle.
He knows my songs by heart.
It’s him I kiss when I get drunk.

I wanna find it.
The right amount of nectar that deities get drunk on.
I wanna smoke a cigarette and blow the smoke into everyone’s face.
I wanna be okay.

All my friends are outta town and I’m on my gas station night shift.
Call my babe, he picks me up.
Fills up my entire will to live.
Jack puts me in the glass room of his mansion and stirs the thoughts that cause rot inside my head.
I shoot up his lies and they sound amazing.
They’re music to my tears, sand to my hourglass.
My veins get hot like lava, but I like seeing the world from his perspective.
I wanna get drunk of him.
But I’m really ******* sick of him.

I wanna find it.
I want calamities to perish and I wanna imagine a vision so good.
I wanna stay there.
But I know I can’t.

I want him to slap me across the face and take the pain away from my heart.
I’m really sick of him but I want him in every cell of my body.
Without his squeeze the world is gray and I’m tired of writing about hard feelings.
I wanna overdose on him.
But I know I’ll die.
Sometimes I think I already have so I get drunk and I’m back to life.

Go.

He and Malik aren’t friends.
But he’s famous for something.
He wears heavy metal on him.
Like he’s wanted for something.
Black leather tight and I can’t breathe.
But I’m fine with dying in Cali.
Mula-la is flying in the wind.
Jack, you’re as ****** up as me.
Oooh, black leather, *****.
Leather on my skin, mula-la is in the wind.
Ooh, blood-stopping grip.
Pouring his dark soul into my pre-opened wrists.
I wanna find it.
I wanna find it.
Someone like him but quite the opposite.
I hate to love him.
I’m so sick of him.
But I so love him.
He’s always got me.

I’ll write a song with you.
I’ll go to bed with you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll rob a bank with you.
Jack, don’t wake me the **** up, I said so many times I despise this world, I wanna be with you in ******* Pasadena or in a few mile radius.
I’m losing my sanity tryna convince you to drop everything.
Living’s real tough when I can’t have you.
Jack wake me up when you’re sober.
Jack fix me a kilo when the high is over.
Jack I just wanna go back to LA so badly.
I don’t know what I’m doing but I’ll write a song for you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll go dark for you.
I’ll lap dance for you.
I’ll wait years for you.

Take me to
to New York.
Forget me
when we’re through.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I could live for all eternity but never forget the only one who was caring to me.
Drop me off
of Rodeo Drive.
Kiss my lips
for the last time.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I’ll forget you only when I find someone who shows me a semblance of compassion.

I couldn’t go a day without missing my ex boyfriend.
But only when I’m drunk cause I get real nostalgic.
Every one of them I loved but they hurt me real badly.
I would lust over them like hell, but then I get sober.

I love this place.
It’s just like I dreamed it, honey.
Lemme fix you a drink and then you can tell me about that ******* boss of yours.
I ain’t done nothing today but miss ya.
I wrote a poem though, wanna see it?
How ‘bout we go to Rodeo Drive?
Yes, a date.
No occasion.
And just so you know, I ain’t drinking today.
Why?
I don’t know.

I don’t really need to.

It ain’t love language if we need a translator.
It ain’t true if I put together our signs on multiple websites until it said we stood a chance.
He’s a failed experiment.
Not only cause I almost had him but cause he looks like one.
I was right to call him baby, cause he’s my son.
When he hears Lana Del Rey he thinks of me.
It’s so girlcore of me.
Ugh, the urge to dress up in dollette.
And lie all day rotting in my bed.
So much for a brat summer.
Ugh, the way he’s caught up in me.
I said I’d give him heaven but I gave him hell.
I remember the look of his all too well.
But he deserved to land the wrong side of the coin.
When he hears Lana it’s my pretty face he sees.
It’s so funny to me.

I missed the rain if one did come.
I deleted my ex’s number and hundreds of pictures from my telephone.
It hurt to let them go, but it also felt easy, you know, you know.
Out of all the boys I loved I thought we’d never ever get separated.
But with Juan I feel unsure.
I love him but love’s overrated.

I lasted months dry like the desert.
I said yes just to keep my mind off things.
I opened up hoping it’d get better.
And it did.

I love you like a beginner would but do I need you now like I needed you then?
It’s harder now and I could use a friend.
I don’t have a clue if you’re gonna stay forever by my side.
But the urge to give up already keeps me thinking at night.
Do I want you for now?
Do I wanna take hundreds of pictures of you asleep by me only to delete them later?
Or am I ready to memorize and take them to my grave in the heights of what I call the “Grant Mountains”.
Only time will tell.

I’ve chosen wrong so many times.
Makes me wanna already give up and go back to singing other people’s songs.
Can’t write my own without muses, it’s only love that turns the ink in my pen endless.

I love him, but love’s overrated.
I need him like a bath after a shower.
I want him, but what if we get separated.
It feels good.
But it used to feel better.

I sailed in the silent waters of the noir movie type of sea,
and this thought occurred to me from the far distance behind,
why drive away in the night when you can go out with a bang,

say what you want,
but don’t call me your friend,

how to avoid drama when the scenery is meant for it?
different settings?
might work with you but not with me,
I’ve been modified by those who had no skill in it after all,

I almost left,
caught the train but exited on the next station,
the only thing that keeps me here is probably nostalgia about Venus,
because that was the biggest love of my life,
but I had to let go,
then I found someone two times better exploring downtown bars,
but I let go for safety reasons,

I’ll stay, but sometimes I really want to taste a different alignment of stars,
leave the neighborhood in the middle of the quietest night,
and go down to California with nothing by my side,
far away from everything,

but most importantly from you.

Sunset Strip sun at zenith
moon at nadir; void was elsewhere
Lit sublimely was anywhere you laid your experimental sight
and visions shaped well.
Four seasons perfectly placed and played well by me
Two contrasting convictions of unmelted iron
One star you bow to

her appearance coruscating in the way stars do
may or may not
her power influence you ⭐️

Capturing the wave of unmet sweetness impassibly
I embraced my surrounding chaos of two thousand colors
and locked in my eyesight
Migrated to heavens
my most superior notion pocketed
library left in order.
So when I return home I would make me a cup of coffee
and rewrite my previous paragraph
in a finer style.

Peak at nadir
Depth at zenith

Rotation of partly delusory values each direct and contradicting
everything about them is odd
and apart being.

easily misunderstood
Not so often read correctly or found good

Peak at zenith
Depth at nadir
Deepness culminating brightly
meeting context treading on the clouded land of new age forging
Where the ripples crash carefully and the sky is clear as diamond
one lover you bow to
one melody you hum
On the phone with makeup on in summer young vivid and hot

Eyes of gold

you hunted me down
like a malevolent, carnivorous bird,
a fearless eagle
targeted me easily like I was wounded animal,
but I was a fallen angel,
on my first day on earth,
couldn’t distinguish between bad and good,
i believed you were my savior
and you weren’t - but a furious predator,
you made the vague things clear,
i finally understood
the difference between
bad and good,

i got sent away
in a glamorous, golden express,
sparkling like some expensive jewellery,
that brought me back home,
and my home was heaven,
and now it’s been months since i finished my rehab,
and as tiny stars put their old mother to bed,
and as they bring a replacement for her,
i see eagles circling around a tower of a palace I’m living in,
i wear blue velvet and I put my halo on,
i rehearse my lines in my head,
hoping today will be the day of my salvation,
it’s my biggest dream,
although i can’t be saved
from something that saves me,
from something that is both
bad and good.

A woman named Grace once said she was afraid to love and the same thing terrified me.
That I didn’t love myself I knew, but the thought if something grew around mine and someone else’s chests made me run and don’t look back.
I was afraid to love.
Scared to unveil my heart.
I was afraid of love.
I was…

I pushed 18 when they started asking, and I kept saying I was looking, but I wasn’t
and that was a white lie for them, but something larger for me.
It’s that I didn’t trust me.
I didn’t wanna change, but felt like I had to, cause when I saw myself I knew I wasn’t meant to hear “I love you”.
It’s one of those things easier said than heard.
I was afraid to try, mind at bedlam, hugging ferns.
Looking for comfort in the trees.
Discovering beautiful things.
I love the overgrown pond outback to name one, but that’s not the notion of it
It made me realize one thing:
Everything’s beautiful in its own peculiar way, and so am I.
I was terrified.
But now I’m like
I’ll give love a try.

A woman named Grace once said she ran from things she feared would **** her.
I was scared of riding horses like her,
let alone deliver my heart to a man.
I was scared but I’m fearless now.
I’m high on oxytocin now.
I was scared to open up like her,
to spread myself open like a book for him.
I was scared but I’m fearless now.
I’m drunk on his memories now.

And maybe it’s a bad thing.
Maybe I’m stupid again.
Or maybe this was destined,
destined to happen to me.
And maybe I was meant to open up.
Maybe I was meant to conquer my fear.
Or maybe I was on the right path,
one where love doesn’t scare me.

I was afraid but I’m not.
I was afraid but now I’m not.
I was afraid of love.
I was…

Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, we’re almost at the end.
He comes from Argentina, I only want him when I think of the man who doesn’t love me.
I’m just a ****** to you, but to me you’re as integral as oxygen.
Amina, he loves me when they hate me.
Amina, we’re so real for this.
He’s from the Philippines, sexts me from overseas, helps me **** time.
I’ll send him nudes but won’t tell my sign, cause we’re not meant to be together.
I don’t know if I’m there yet, Amina, I’m a ****** to you, but you love me at least.
When the man who doesn’t love me wants me I’ll be there for him every time of night and day,
but for now I’ll be sexting my thoughts away with Latinos that don’t even know my name.
Sad but beautiful.
Beautiful but sad.
I wanna go back to Las Vegas.
Take a swim in Silver Lake.
I wanna do something fun.
Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, we’re almost at the end.
He listens when I feel unheard.
I’ve still got things to say.
Don’t text me on weekends cause I have nothing on my mind.
I only want you when I’m lonely, I only feel like I want a boyfriend when I hit rock bottom, when I realize no one loves me.
He comes from Mexico, I go incognito and I watch him shake his ***.
I’m done with the sad boy ****.
This is my last collection before I get a boyfriend.
Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, he loves me when I’m worthless.
Sadly beautiful
Beautifully sad
I mean nothing to him, but he gives me more than the man who doesn’t love me.
It’s what keeps me from crying these days.
There’s nothing else for me to say.
Amina, we’re here.

as water flows, i’m changing,
growing and expanding,
like a sapling ready to become a tree,
over the course of a day.

What is happiness I ask myself
lying lightly minded on a blanket during mid summer
as the radio’s playing my favorite record at maximum volume
at the time I recover?
Or maybe waking up blessed with everlasting verve which I’m still seeking
in the winter
world.

Is that called happiness?

Is one coloristically consistent painting capturing crashing waves
enough for one complete organized day?
I wonder too often and it expands my vintage wooden bridges to further lands
not malevolent but requiring to be understood fully to traverse through
lands green not Valle De La Luna
mind happy now everything is clear as a teardrop sent by a semi-angelic creature
this is happiness I’m assuming.

But is that really happiness I can’t stop asking myself
Or a temporary thing which occurs due to deep blue
surface auroras
laid in patterns strawberry scented and gleaming in the deep
of the five star hotel swimming pools
strawberry lingerie parties moonbathing too
laid like lit by warm lanterns brick avenues
beauty I can’t resist
or catch otherwise withstand.

Somehow I can fully describe it with the smallest details included
I don’t have a bijou bungalow located by the Rodeo Drive
I don’t have a girl whose waving mind could synchronize with mine
but I have happiness or something like that.

a round year has passed and still no sight of you,
i’ve changed my path and picked the shorter avenue,
i died inside but managed to gather some health back,
i dyed my hair blue but this time with a reason,

it’s the past where i want to stay,
moving forward doesn’t equal victory,
it’s here where i want to reside,
healing back could foreshadow oasis,
but not just a single harbinger i’ve been sent,
ended the same way as always,
every call from you that i picked,
ended the same way as always,

so i cut me off,
i set the rules now,
may the summer last forever,
i spread my wings,
after years have passed,
soon maybe i’ll get to fly,

against the wind,

hope is a deceiver of fools very often,

but i have this strange wish to fly,

where no one’s ever been.

when we were kids we used to play outside every day,
from dawn till dusk,
we used to blow dandelions and watch their seeds
fly in all directions,
we were letting the wind carry them like delivery,
to random places,
where they lived the rest of their simple lives,
it fascinated me,

when we were little we saw the world through
heart-shaped sunglasses,
we used to stay up late playing football in the yard,
and build treehouses,
now we buy neither lollipops nor fruit jelly beans,
but cigarettes,
i used to jump in my unmade bed, full of excitement,
but not anymore,

when we were kids we were careless and happy,
we wore smiles like every day,
we saw the world through star-shaped sunglasses,
from dawn till dusk we played,

everyone was happy back then.

hello gardener,
you do not fear my poison,
yours is just deadlier.

Let me stay for one more minute
ponder over crashing waves
listen to the songs of seagulls
watch my suns drown in blueness.

Just the cool wind and soft darkness
that I bathe in every night
but as soon as I hear thunder
I run like an animal in fright.

             ...and I ruin it all...

All the storms I've managed to hush
enrage like new, no longer dormant
my pieces of art scream from dusty shelves
vintage clocks spinning like carousels
even your photograph on my nightstand
which used to be my private moon
reflects no light upon my hopeful face.
The candles I put out seemed dead forever
but they all turn into one blazing flame
and they start a chain reaction
until my surroundings are living fire
and it's finally ashes.

        ...I'm frightened...

I weep on a total desolation
my pens dry out of ink
the ground lingers arid
the land I haunt is bare
no trees
no water
no seas
no life except for me
everything is burned here
to scorch including me.

          ...I'm frightened...

Bear witness to a beacon
shooting straight out of my heart
I watch it give birth to a tree
majestically waving - I realize there's wind!
I lay on a bed of butterflies
lifting me carefully off the grass that's green!
and so I fly to the sea
where everything started.

  ...I'm no longer frightened...

Contemplating yet another minute
waves crash still within my earshot
seagulls play their new symphony
though I feel something isn't right.

Nothing pretty lasts forever - life taught me
My suns will grow so big
the trees will combust
the oceans evaporate
the seagulls migrate
and the burden that comes within... it may outgrow me.

                                        ...I'm panicking...

I rifle through my nightstand and grab my refilled pen
Cause an avalanche of feelings to run onto my paper
Like I wanna churn out poems as machine gun bullets
Like it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Charlie,
we’re seven nights away from the apocalypse,
but Malibu is so hot,
I don’t want to leave just yet,
September is peaceful,

I went for a ride to the northern coast of the country,
with Courtney,
I saw too many new faces in that place,
and reflections lead me to this revolutionary thought,
this is not where I belong,

so I went to the city of gain and loss,
carefully between rosebuds,
that somehow grew along the driveway,
I visited your favorite place,

and I know this is not where I belong,

now I try to live a double life,
in the first one I brighten up the eternal night with a candle, out of kerosene,
and in the second one there’s no limits or world boundaries,
the sun is young,
and burning with passion,

I have a passion,
what, everyone’s curious,
I live from morning till evening like in a happy book from the 2000s,
I’m the brighter light,
rarely I get obscured but no force can summon melancholy,
those memories vanished in snow,

in laughter,
an hour away from Laurel,
you picked me up,
and we started a new journey,

I leave my bed every midnight,
find my side car in the lantern light,
park in my second parking spot,
so no one discovers our little secret,

every night,
whole lifetime,
you and I,

God, I feel so high.

my face was reflecting starlight, sprinkled with stardust,
glowing bright in the moonlight,
are we in hollywood?
because i feel like the brightest star in the interstellar neighbourhood,
i say hi to my lover, then i say bye to my lover,
then i watch you disappear in the crowd
on the boulevard, that’s a few streets from here,
i feel like a star, like a movie star, when i perform for you,
when i perform just for you,

my legs were shaking like i was a supermodel
on a runway in the new york city,
but i was in polish hollywood,
a magical place that is everywhere my baby goes,
while watching you disappear slowly in the never-ending crowd,
i was trying to convince myself not to go after you,
but let them cover you instead,
cause if i follow you, i’m sure i’ll see things
i’ll never unsee,
like those you used to show me daily
and show still to make sure i will remember
who i used to call my whole world,
and later you would start an interview with me,
in which i’d forget how to speak,
in the shadow of the swaying trees,
on the side alley which doesn’t connect to other allies,
there would be only you and me, no audience needed,
but there’s nothing for me to say
other than hi to my lover, then bye to my lover,
we have nothing to talk about, we never had - we never will,

thought i was lost when i lost you, like a sailor on a sinking boat
in the middle of a raging sea,
but no, it was just a movie that you were a director of
and i had the starring role,
i have absolutely no idea what the genre was - drama or a lame comedy,
it felt like we were famous in hollywood,
once we were touring the neighbourhood,
i was running freely in the pouring rain, wiped the droplets off my face,
then we were crossing the highway,
the other day i sat down after you knocked me out,
went on snapchat and revealed,
that i started writing poetry about you cause the things i feel
i will never say to you in person,
i’m brave, but your eyes are f*g giving me nightmares,
bittersweet dreams as well,
now it all is over and still the only things i say
are hi to my lover, then bye to my lover,
and that goes over and over,

but not as often as before,
cause my hollywood is somewhere else now.

what is the definition of hope?

you can read about it on wikipedia,
as you can make yours,

for me:
it doesn’t have feathers,
it’s not even pretty,
trust me - it has more flaws,
than there are stars in the night sky,

hope falls in love with people,
it’s an unusual kind of love,
hope cheers me on,
hope shows me the way,
hope stays with me,
not like the others,
who i’ve shown how motley i am,

how to maintain hope?

you don’t find it - it finds you,
as you start to feel,
as you become vulnerable,
and it follows you around,
like a loving animal,

even when those evergreen meadows,
that delight your eyes,
get greatly desaturated,
hope fights off the evil,
lurking in the dense thickets,
that used to be rose bushes,

and as life gives me snippets of tomorrow,
and i see how dark it is,
i believe i’ll find a light source,
brighter than a lighthouse,
or a star,

you are safe.

i sit next to that vintage candelabra, that i found in the attic,
i get a pen and a blank page on which i write what i think,
when i’m done i rethink and rewrite my poetry with blood on a parchment,
but i get distracted by the church bells ringing from 2 streets away,
it gets louder and louder,
at times they sound like ******* racing cars on tracks,
then they get quieter,
they sound like sunken singers, hitting high notes from underwater,
in the meantime demons escape from the catacombs,
hidden deep beneath the chapel,
and put gargoyles to life,
and all of that - 2 streets away,
i turn off that vintage candelabra, but i keep on writing,
i listen closely to my pen’s sounds and try to imagine them louder,
want them to be louder than racing cars,
louder than a rocket blasting off,
i write so fast and it feels so loud, that i enter a different dimension,
a world where matter is made of words,
i want to stay there forever, whenever i get there,

that’s exactly how to disappear
c o m p l e t e l y
a  n  d
n   e   v   e   r
b    e
f      o     u     n     d.

I gave a speech about Amelia Earhart last year - and how we both flew over the Atlantic Ocean in the pursuit of our dreams.
I’ve always soared high in the air
feet off the ground
head in the clouds
My mind was everywhere.
I mentioned a dream that defined me and pointed me through the troposphere to LAX.
Cause before I was myself I was a dreamer
reckless, but still anxious about ending up like Icarus or a fool without a flying license
or ending up like Amelia Earhart - disappearing over the churning ocean and hearing a lotta nonsense about what went wrong with me.
Cause I’ll stay with you on the radio over future flights
Saying “Over, baby” just to grasp a little stardust from the sky when it’s lit by stars
cause now you’re my LAX.
And since then I’ve dreamed of Skid Rows and diamonds.
I’ve flown like water and watered their palm trees, a silos.
The transition was clean
no bruises on my soul to keep.
No fear of flying into the blue
Cause when I come out
I land over you.
And I think of false alarms and motels in the desert now that the tan’s come off
I will continue to dream large
having seen dream and life merge
My makeshift wings I will clutch
as I’m running off the edge.

Take a swim in my stream of consciousness and realize how cold it is, only dead fishes of forgiveness and diamonds nobody could fit into their rings.
You always ask how I am, never what I cry about.
If you’re a man of transparency, take off your clothes and dive into my heart, jump into my heart, leap into my heart.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came, if you want me to stay then build me a dam and follow me upriver to keep me from the oceans.
Power me with rains, listen to me in the driest times and understand me, level with me, get to know me.
Just don’t ask if I’m fine.
I cry every time I remember that everyone I know will once die, I cry for them when they’re alive.
I lose people and then I lose me, it drives my thoughts to the beach and not because I wanna sun on the sand but go for a real long swim.
I don’t wanna get married out of fear of outliving my husband.
I would die,
if invested in something so immense and convoluted to lose it,
not gonna lie.
Last time I had everything I wanted was in middle school.
Half of my ex classmates are either married or parents.
And I’m over here afraid to get attached.
I watch the mandala spin through a translucent lens, I bought a puppy just a week after I lost my dog of 11 years.
Last time I saw him he was by the metal gate up front, half alive, I tried to try to alleviate his pain, and then he was gone.
I only cried when I was alone, because I had to be strong, I tried to alleviate my pain by drowning it out in a hot bathtub, but time mended me, it has all along.
I remember my great grandmother, I used to come over every day after preschool for a cookie and then I took my final bite.
I don’t know how I felt, but it was the real life baptism I feel I never had until March.
And what can I do other than watch the mandala spin?
I look out the public transport window and watch the fronts of houses pass in front of me in blur and it’s making me dizzy.
And then I remember my new year’s resolution and it terrifies me that it’s May already.
Last time I saw my friend she wasn’t even pregnant and now she’s a mother and the other I watched get erased from my routine like gusts of autumnal wind blowing at a pile of dead and fallen leaves.
Why do I feel accomplished that she broke up with her boyfriend, I used to care but now I’m a stranger.
I miss all of them, the dead, the alive, in fact I am not the same person as in middle school, not him from the San Gabe Motel 6 poolside and now I’m giving love a go, wasn’t that long ago, I’m so much different now.
At this rate I’ll be dead before I know it, but I’m only 20 and I can still make something out of what I have left.
I don’t know how to stop running, but I must’ve been enchanted or cursed to run and run and run until I’m done.
Peggy was 24 when she climbed up the Hollywood Sign and jumped.
That’s a way to go, I thought in my darkest times.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came.
I love myself but not like I loved the people I ran away from.
I’ll open up my heart for you, make it livable, beautiful, capable.
Swim naked in my consciousness, surface of an arid planet and watch life bloom out of me.
I’m so ******* happy some days, but sometimes I catch myself thinking of beach days during stormy weather.
I can cherish who I love, no one’s gone forever.
I’m not gone forever.
Don’t ask if I’m happy, but act as if I’m not.
Hold me close enough so that I can’t run.
Make me feel irreplaceable for the first time ever.
Dive into my heart with no clothes whatsoever.
I pray to God to wrap a divine blanket over my people, I love them wholeheartedly, cause I can’t love another way.
If there’s a link between us, a string I can’t see or I’m unaware of, preserve it.
I say I go in and out of people’s lives unattached, I hope I’m dead wrong.
I may seem like I don’t but I care.
Angel, Felix, Leah - keep your eyes up.
Val, Rosemead, Petra - I wish you the best.
Gabe, Aaron, Charlie - may you live happily.
Ajay, Eric, Max - thank you for those years.
Jay, Lizzy, Steph - I’m forever grateful.
Barb, Annie, Hannah - know I’m doing great.
Tom, Dylan, Mexico - I remember you too.
Colleen, the guys, Caroline - I still love you.
Nina, Maggie, Martin - hope you’re smiling now.
Modern god, Zack, Alex - best of things in life.
Margaret, Vic, Sher - be happy forever.
Glo, Coyote, Court - move toward the better.
Ash, Alex, Jack - all the sweetest things.
Ellen, Alice, the fires - don’t go anywhere.
My family, my friends, my lovers.
I have you in my corner.

when i took ur hand for the first time
i knew exactly what i was signing for
i sensed something warm
like the approaching summer of things i had yet to discover
i felt like i was flying miles above land
might’ve been due to the thousands of butterflies in my stomach
that u planted in me
lifting me like a spinning propeller
might’ve been a hallucination but i was sober
or an innocent dream that came true
i knew right away i was destined to meet u

i see u for who u are
not for what u’re not

loving u is hard but nothing good in life comes for free
i learned it the hard way
and without hesitation- i can say u’re the best thing that happened to me
i don’t know where i’d be if it wasn’t for u

i love u
tears rest on ur lashes like dew
u’re so ******* beautiful
a true work of art
everywhere i go i feel u
but i guess i’m the only one that perceives u in that way

because u have flaws
and the ideal paintings or sculptures don’t
but they’re not actual flaws to me- i loved them since day one
i kept them by my heart
and i’ll keep on loving them because i love all of u- not just the ideal parts

i want to welcome each new day by ur side
i want to say goodbyes to them each night
it’s like i dreamed it
and i manifested it
u brought color into my life
and it’s not fading to my great surprise

as i said- i knew exactly what i was signing for
it was like a sailor’s first sail on a boat in a vast gulf never known before
the sea might’ve been cold or might’ve been warm
the wind could’ve been howling or could’ve been gone
the sailor knew that thus he knew what he was signing for
his love for chasing the horizon overshadowed its flaws
he handled the waters at their best and their worst
and he found his way
to wonderland

i promised i’d cater this love at all times
that i’d stay with u in the dark paradise
and when the love of my life tried to take their own life
it traumatized me to this point that i couldn’t talk about it
so let’s not talk about it

let’s focus on the positives
the amazing things u do to me
u made me believe that i can achieve great things or be who i want to be
that my future is how i write it
and that no one can steal that pen from me
so when i doubt myself in my darkest times
in the dark paradise
to my dreams’ demise
i remember what u told me
i spread my wings wide and fly for u only

i hated love
everyone i fell for turned their back on me and i ended up alone
but when i glanced at ur eyes for the first time ever
i knew this was what i’m signing for
and if u’re not my once in a lifetime
i don’t wanna love anymore

traveling down the moonlit passage,
by the bushes,
by the bus stop,
there was a lantern,
travelling through one big meander,
in the darkness,
in my hometown,
i kissed happiness,

and ever since, i’m in a state of mind,
i am levitating,
i am haunting,
i have my purpose,
and ever since, i alter my own world,
with no pressure,
with no difficulty,
i’m feeling happiness.

I’m your boyfriend, not your devotee
This ain’t a cult, this ain’t a church,
Your name’s not written over me.
I love you but you’re not my everything
cause when you’re down I lose the ground under my feet
the sinkholes spread, can’t fill the gaps, can’t but I need
and yeah, I’m falling too.
And who’s meant to save me then?
I need you, but you’re not everything I need
cause when it’s too hard to love you I can’t rest my head to sleep
when I close my eyes you’re the prettiest thing I see
but I love you to feel free
not wait for you to leave me,
cause I can’t commit anymore.
Not to look for a reason to leave you for someone easier to love
and it’s not cause I’m too afraid to start from scratch with a foreign guy.
I’m your boyfriend, not your attorney
I love you but you’re not all I think about.

I never thought I’d revisit your street.
But here I am.
I never thought I’d pass your house.
Not going in.
We had little to do, but a lot to talk about.
I chased the American Dream, you followed your heart.
Seven years is a lot, lot of time to think about.
And since then I met nobody who knew how to work my heart.

I didn’t love you and you didn’t love me neither.
So why am I back next to your lot?
It wasn’t sweet at all and yet it wasn’t bitter.
So why do I miss that a lot?

It was something neutral, but something at least.
I never pretended to love you, but we had a good thing.

I could’ve promised more to make you stay.
Could’ve bought you flowers to wilt away.
I could’ve done so much to show I cared.
But what I should’ve said on the first day:
I’m not gonna love you like you want.
That’s one thing I wish I’d disclosed.
You talked about our lives after I marry you.
And I replied: Yes, I suppose.

It was something real, however seemed so fake.
I never pretended to love you to set the record straight.
So why am I back next to your lot?
You hid some thoughts from me, yet I miss you a lot.
And whatnot.

you met me again on the tennis court,
asked me if you’ve done something wrong,
with your voice more elusive than ever,
sweet like vanilla and light as a feather,
and you said it so innocently,
that you melted pure stone,
you’re truly unbelievable,
and i said:
no spell,
no witch doctor,
and no nazar,
will keep us apart,
i know you didn’t think what’s later when you were hurting me,
doesn’t matter, cause you’re just how i want you to be,
in my dreams,

and as i return home, as i escape daily b**t,
some force puts me to bed,
i believe strongly, that when i visit that world
i will see you there again
and tell you things, that bother me like 24/7,
in my dreams you always listen,
in my dreams you are only mine,
in my dreams we forget the time,
in my dreams.

I can't turn wistful, reminiscing about the times I played with cherubs in rose gardens
turn mud- and blood-stained linens white
no matter how long I try
no matter how hard I rub
Can't wash off the impurity or the vile serpent slithering up my left profile
cause innocence was lost.

In those gardens
my hands bled from thorns
a dozen bruises on my knees from the dozen hundred times
I fell but stood right up.

My friend lit up my first cigarette
she told me I didn't know how to smoke
I couldn't inhale the poison into my lungs
no matter how long I tried.

My closest circle was corrupted with alcohol
spawned a couple drinking parties, liquor flowing down our throats like a cascade
and I was getting good at it.

We were driven to manic places
youth was glamorous like a firefly-lit sky
I was always off to the races
and when we got dropped off by Villa Gemini

I doubted for the first time if this was what I wanted.

Not gold hoops with matching wine cups
on white yachts sailing down the Styx
I changed my ways
rubbed myself clean
leaving scars that will remind me
of all the crazy things I've been
and now when I crave something magnificent
I lean forward for a big kiss
Shadowed by a lemon tree
that comes with nothing evil
Caressing the hair of yours and conquering my ego.

a wise boy like me
never wanted to be a
relevant poet

Wrapping my hands around sizzling hot cardboard coffee cups
I wanted someone when my fingers touched
and I thought of how warm his hands would feel and fit in mine like lock and key.
Stirring iced coffee in parking lots with recyclable plastic straws
I wanted someone to lay my head upon
not just at night but waiting for a green light at the crosswalk
in the wind of speeding cars
quietly humming “Life on Mars”
excited to watch the stars
and wrap both hands ‘round his when the coffee cup cools down.