Let me stay for one more minute
ponder over crashing waves
listen to the songs of seagulls
watch my suns drown in blueness.

Just the cool wind and soft darkness
that I bathe in every night
but as soon as I hear thunder
I run like an animal in fright.

             ...and I ruin it all...

All the storms I've managed to hush
enrage like new, no longer dormant
my pieces of art scream from dusty shelves
vintage clocks spinning like carousels
even your photograph on my nightstand
which used to be my private moon
reflects no light upon my hopeful face.
The candles I put out seemed dead forever
but they all turn into one blazing flame
and they start a chain reaction
until my surroundings are living fire
and it's finally ashes.

        ...I'm frightened...

I weep on a total desolation
my pens dry out of ink
the ground lingers arid
the land I haunt is bare
no trees
no water
no seas
no life except for me
everything is burned here
to scorch including me.

          ...I'm frightened...

Bear witness to a beacon
shooting straight out of my heart
I watch it give birth to a tree
majestically waving - I realize there's wind!
I lay on a bed of butterflies
lifting me carefully off the grass that's green!
and so I fly to the sea
where everything started.

  ...I'm no longer frightened...

Contemplating yet another minute
waves crash still within my earshot
seagulls play their new symphony
though I feel something isn't right.

Nothing pretty lasts forever - life taught me
My suns will grow so big
the trees will combust
the oceans evaporate
the seagulls migrate
and the burden that comes within... it may outgrow me.

                                        ...I'm panicking...

I rifle through my nightstand and grab my refilled pen
Cause an avalanche of feelings to run onto my paper
Like I wanna churn out poems as machine gun bullets
Like it's better to burn out than to fade away.

i had always thought
that to climb up any wall
i needed support

My soul's an origami
But I love you with every beat
My head's like a ballroom
At Fairmont, 950 Mason Street

My love's a tsunami
I thrive off 36,6's heat
Don't push me away
Nor forget our Fresno trip

Lemme love the **** outta you
Give my shadow a friend
Put my heart on the mend
And I ain't saying that so you can drive me in your car
Nor am I saying it so you can take me out to dine
I'll love the **** outta your insecurities
Please love the **** outta mine!

when i took ur hand for the first time
i knew exactly what i was signing for
i sensed something warm
like the approaching summer of things i had yet to discover
i felt like i was flying miles above land
might’ve been due to the thousands of butterflies in my stomach
that u planted in me
lifting me like a spinning propeller
might’ve been a hallucination but i was sober
or an innocent dream that came true
i knew right away i was destined to meet u

i see u for who u are
not for what u’re not

loving u is hard but nothing good in life comes for free
i learned it the hard way
and without hesitation- i can say u’re the best thing that happened to me
i don’t know where i’d be if it wasn’t for u

i love u
tears rest on ur lashes like dew
u’re so ******* beautiful
a true work of art
everywhere i go i feel u
but i guess i’m the only one that perceives u in that way

because u have flaws
and the ideal paintings or sculptures don’t
but they’re not actual flaws to me- i loved them since day one
i kept them by my heart
and i’ll keep on loving them because i love all of u- not just the ideal parts

i want to welcome each new day by ur side
i want to say goodbyes to them each night
it’s like i dreamed it
and i manifested it
u brought color into my life
and it’s not fading to my great surprise

as i said- i knew exactly what i was signing for
it was like a sailor’s first sail on a boat in a vast gulf never known before
the sea might’ve been cold or might’ve been warm
the wind could’ve been howling or could’ve been gone
the sailor knew that thus he knew what he was signing for
his love for chasing the horizon overshadowed its flaws
he handled the waters at their best and their worst
and he found his way
to wonderland

i promised i’d cater this love at all times
that i’d stay with u in the dark paradise
and when the love of my life tried to take their own life
it traumatized me to this point that i couldn’t talk about it
so let’s not talk about it

let’s focus on the positives
the amazing things u do to me
u made me believe that i can achieve great things or be who i want to be
that my future is how i write it
and that no one can steal that pen from me
so when i doubt myself in my darkest times
in the dark paradise
to my dreams’ demise
i remember what u told me
i spread my wings wide and fly for u only

i hated love
everyone i fell for turned their back on me and i ended up alone
but when i glanced at ur eyes for the first time ever
i knew this was what i’m signing for
and if u’re not my once in a lifetime
i don’t wanna love anymore

i know how it feels like to be a sagittarius
and i know what u mean when u think u have the whole world against u
almost like i had a facility for reading misjudged minds
i was born on the 13th of december with the silver moon attached to the starry sky
sliding across it like a turtle on a beach off to begin its new life
and i can’t show my entire thankfulness the way i desire to express it-
u’ve always been the north star guiding me where to head in doubt
as i fought my auto-destructive mental malaise with my head up in dull clouds
i sense the feelings in ur words
how their warmth illuminates
i know how u feel and i feel the exact same

and i know u ache for our generation every single day
u just wish things would go differently
u just miss the goodness that never commonly existed
and i couldn’t be more proud of u
i may not be a perfect human being but that doesn’t disqualify me from saying u are
and when i dream of u it feels like i’ve never loved before
the way i adore u
cause u know- i’ve always had taste for people who dress fancy or look attractive
but now that my sweetest feelings have been revived upon the sunrise
i feel like i’m in love for the first time
u are more than a lover to me-
u are the droplet to my needy rosebud
sunshine to my sequoia
riverbed to my missisipi
or just the foundation of the better world u want to construct
and if u could i’m sure u would
i believe in ur pure intentions and balance on their authenticity
ur words are more charming than classic poems to me
and i can listen to them like songs throughout rainy nights
because u own a good heart
that mine is chained to with a chain made of daisies as if it was spring
and even though i’m emotionally far past that line- or a life stage- who knows
we can pretend that it’s spring

i know what it feels like to be a sagittarius
i’ve always walked left when others turned right
i stared at the pond by the main road after the day was over
i stayed home after dark
i kept asking family how it feels to be in love-
so i said to myself no more loneliness or pondering my sadness
whether it’s summer or freezing cold
and when i get lonely i pray that i may lie down with u and watch the sunset
atop the roof in a peaceful riviera in a happy mindset
no past to define me- just words to descry the sense in staying strong
that’s what makes us perfect people
love u all day all night long

It takes nothing from me to feel like a housewife reclined in front of TV
reading a book I’ve read a hundred times before with the hum of stupid shows in the back of my aching head in the afternoons.
Because it took much from me to realize that the right thing to do when the world is burning
is to sunbathe by the fire that it’s breathing.
And not to give it a second thought.

During my period of self bravery I've lost more than I've gained materialistically
to make it up - I've discovered new traits that had been slumbering deep within me
and what I’m most proud of is that I've learned how to think realistically.

And whatever controversial you do
should not be given a second thought

Because having lost connection with the control tower and cruising in the thunderclouds
I came to understand that the world cleansed from everyone’s buzz
is quiet and pure, like a tulip garden - serene like driving home down from Tulsa.
So in conclusion, when a fruit is sour, it may not be the only fruit in the orchard
same if the road is boarded up there is always some way to go around.
And all the early drives to work
coffee sipping on the parking lot
local radio blaring in the rush hour
to keep my mind at bay from God
things that ruin you should not be given a second thought.

I’m alienated
but I can’t stand withering pinned to a spot

I’m alienated
but I never gave it a second thought

One time I felt like I was ice skating on Lake Michigan in a blizzard.
I lost the shoreline forever.
And the grip of fear.
I was out of place like a 14 year old listening to Hejira.
I still feel so in a way.
No gazing at my rear.
I got laid in my hometown and I sneer at my childhood friends like I never loved them.
I’ve been different 20 people since my birth and I feel like I’ve found the one that suits me best.
Like a fuzzy coat in winter, taking meds, healing slowly, **** my ex, I’m skating on Lake Michigan, baggage back in Madison, far from wifi, farther from home, I feel nothing but nipping from the frigidity and tight embrace of freedom.
I skate on into the blizzard and I haven’t seen a winter so winter-like since I rode on a sleigh pulled by my uncle’s car ‘round my beloved apartment complex.
All I see is white.
Like a fresh page of life.
You sow nothing, you get nothing.
Find no weevils in your garden, sweet fruit either.
That’s why I’m leaving y’all to concentrate on what I want and I skate into the nothingness of Lake Michigan, where only frostbite’s capable of breaking my heart.
It’s just a rest stop though.
I’ve yet to rise in love.
I’ll have my pasta date in Paris someday.
I’ll regret wasting my first real kiss with a hookup, I just didn’t wanna die a ******, so I squandered something artificial, boo-*******-hoo, life’s a travelog, put my fuckboys’ names in a catalog, remember what they gave me.
So let me swirl around, draw curvy lines, interlacing hearts.
Privately pretty.
Let me daydream of the day when I feel pretty as to get me some, when I dive into his ***** arms, wrap them round me like a shawl I’ve never worn, but feel like home.
I’m skating on Lake Michigan, left my heart in Madison, en route to Manhattan.
And I’m on the mending route of heart.

Take a swim in my stream of consciousness and realize how cold it is, only dead fishes of forgiveness and diamonds nobody could fit into their rings.
You always ask how I am, never what I cry about.
If you’re a man of transparency, take off your clothes and dive into my heart, jump into my heart, leap into my heart.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came, if you want me to stay then build me a dam and follow me upriver to keep me from the oceans.
Power me with rains, listen to me in the driest times and understand me, level with me, get to know me.
Just don’t ask if I’m fine.
I cry every time I remember that everyone I know will once die, I cry for them when they’re alive.
I lose people and then I lose me, it drives my thoughts to the beach and not because I wanna sun on the sand but go for a real long swim.
I don’t wanna get married out of fear of outliving my husband.
I would die,
if invested in something so immense and convoluted to lose it,
not gonna lie.
Last time I had everything I wanted was in middle school.
Half of my ex classmates are either married or parents.
And I’m over here afraid to get attached.
I watch the mandala spin through a translucent lens, I bought a puppy just a week after I lost my dog of 11 years.
Last time I saw him he was by the metal gate up front, half alive, I tried to try to alleviate his pain, and then he was gone.
I only cried when I was alone, because I had to be strong, I tried to alleviate my pain by drowning it out in a hot bathtub, but time mended me, it has all along.
I remember my great grandmother, I used to come over every day after preschool for a cookie and then I took my final bite.
I don’t know how I felt, but it was the real life baptism I feel I never had until March.
And what can I do other than watch the mandala spin?
I look out the public transport window and watch the fronts of houses pass in front of me in blur and it’s making me dizzy.
And then I remember my new year’s resolution and it terrifies me that it’s May already.
Last time I saw my friend she wasn’t even pregnant and now she’s a mother and the other I watched get erased from my routine like gusts of autumnal wind blowing at a pile of dead and fallen leaves.
Why do I feel accomplished that she broke up with her boyfriend, I used to care but now I’m a stranger.
I miss all of them, the dead, the alive, in fact I am not the same person as in middle school, not him from the San Gabe Motel 6 poolside and now I’m giving love a go, wasn’t that long ago, I’m so much different now.
At this rate I’ll be dead before I know it, but I’m only 20 and I can still make something out of what I have left.
I don’t know how to stop running, but I must’ve been enchanted or cursed to run and run and run until I’m done.
Peggy was 24 when she climbed up the Hollywood Sign and jumped.
That’s a way to go, I thought in my darkest times.
I come with no strings attached and go the way I came.
I love myself but not like I loved the people I ran away from.
I’ll open up my heart for you, make it livable, beautiful, capable.
Swim naked in my consciousness, surface of an arid planet and watch life bloom out of me.
I’m so ******* happy some days, but sometimes I catch myself thinking of beach days during stormy weather.
I can cherish who I love, no one’s gone forever.
I’m not gone forever.
Don’t ask if I’m happy, but act as if I’m not.
Hold me close enough so that I can’t run.
Make me feel irreplaceable for the first time ever.
Dive into my heart with no clothes whatsoever.
I pray to God to wrap a divine blanket over my people, I love them wholeheartedly, cause I can’t love another way.
If there’s a link between us, a string I can’t see or I’m unaware of, preserve it.
I say I go in and out of people’s lives unattached, I hope I’m dead wrong.
I may seem like I don’t but I care.
Angel, Felix, Leah - keep your eyes up.
Val, Rosemead, Petra - I wish you the best.
Gabe, Aaron, Charlie - may you live happily.
Ajay, Eric, Max - thank you for those years.
Jay, Lizzy, Steph - I’m forever grateful.
Barb, Annie, Hannah - know I’m doing great.
Tom, Dylan, Mexico - I remember you too.
Colleen, the guys, Caroline - I still love you.
Nina, Maggie, Martin - hope you’re smiling now.
Modern god, Zack, Alex - best of things in life.
Margaret, Vic, Sher - be happy forever.
Glo, Coyote, Court - move toward the better.
Ash, Alex, Jack - all the sweetest things.
Ellen, Alice, the fires - don’t go anywhere.
My family, my friends, my lovers.
I have you in my corner.

There's a drought in the neighborhood now that I've stepped into the longest summer of my life.
My days go by slowly
TV shows all through
fly to Alanya in July
not stepping outside.
That's how I'll let the longest summer of my life fall through my palms like dry thyme.

And why it's so hot I don't wonder why.
You were the first who made me love my life and perceive rainbow when lightning strikes.
Long story short - I only need you not to go dry.

It's on my old Hollywood bucket list to watch "Valley Of The Dolls", I've seen it recommended on an Insta page - the one I follow that posts about Sharon Tate.
It's about three women that pursue a career in the entertainment industry but fail and out-of-hand drug abuse progressively prevails.
It reminded me of my life, as odd as it sounds.

Into the Valley of The Dolls
all my ex friends leapt and never have we talked since.
And there I was - sunburnt and worn out after a long weekend off in the South West. I had a blast but
I didn't feel like telling anyone.

Shortly after I strolled down the maritime boulevard and caught the glimpse of air hockey tables standing where they usually are - and there I was - sunburnt and hot
and the people I was with.. I no longer really know.

Therefore I

Won't lower my eyelids in the valley once
I'll stay away from the wildfires
I'll do it for fun.

I'll never smoke again to impress anyone
Not even drink if my burns cry to be numbed.

I'll be in the sun - pondering my next move
Reach for your picture or a poetry book?

i couldn’t sleep last night
i was wilting in the soft moonlight
insomnia leave, insomnia let go
i lay face up counting blazing stars that perish by the dawn
uneasy, the bed is uneven, my pillow is too high
the summer is an oven
i’m in love now
why can’t a beautiful thing be eternal?

why does every perfect thing i touch collapse when i need it most?
why is my life beginning to whirl when i have enough?
enough asking
enough having to look for answers
digging in the earth to find my reasons
my life stole my sunny days from me and i got to keep the nights
and of course i have u my love on top of everyone
thank u for being here always
no matter what

we lied in the sun
but when the world went to dark
we lied in the moon
and the next sunrise was beautiful

through the roof window i watch the painted moon from bed, from ur arms
centerpiece to the pastel sky
two shades of our yin yang that collide like a celestial arc
like fireworks on the 4th of july but far more fantastical
perfect night
perfect time
alone in the house in the dreaming neighborhood
feels like i’ve been given a chance at life as i’m lying next to u-
two lovers in the dark under the painted moon
i’m happy
u have done it

if every night could be like this
insomnia stay, insomnia last
if i can’t enjoy my days i’m gonna marry the night
and love u through the dark

Be sweet to me and I’ll return the flavor.
Why don’t we buy a cabin in Colorado?
Don’t love me out of mercy,
and don’t make me have to run.
Best of things don’t come easy,
and if they do it spoils the fun.
But I don’t want fun.
I’m looking to get wed, not wet.
I’m trying to get by, not high.
I wish that it was easy, not hard.
I’ve fallen in love way too many times and it hurts more every time I do.
Maybe when I find the right one I won’t have to fall again and bruise.
Why fall when you can rise in love?
Why don’t make it easy?
Can we sit down and choose the color of our fence?
Can we laugh at stupid people together?
Can we feel like God’s top priority for a day or two?
I wanna look down on you looking at me from the bed.
I have enough problems of my own, but I’ll find room for yours too,
and isn’t that ******* beautiful?
I had a dream that he ****** me in the backseat of his car and that’s as close as we got to being a couple.
I ran away from him but I felt godawful.
But that’s what I had to do.
(That’s what I had to do, right?)
Now I’m walking over ridges and through valleys somewhere high in Colorado.
I’m looking for a spot to build a cabin as part of some dumb personal bravado.
I have nothing to prove to a single soul except my own and I’ve been contemplating lately whether I’m temporarily lonely or whether I’m
ready?
Someone wise told me once that when you catch feelings you fall like dominoes, and that wise someone was me, cause I have.
I’m my best confidant, but lately I’ve been contemplating whether I’m just desperately needy to be loved or whether I’m finally
ready?
I’m in a dead zone for cellphones, in between two peaks of Colorado mountains.
Here I’ll build my cabin and watch television with old Hollywood actors.
But I won’t be doing that alone.
I’ll let him choose the color of our fence, we’ll stand beside it holding hands.
I’ll take the risk of having to run for the hills again, I’ll be quite already there.
I’ll bring him shade in the summer, heat when waters freeze.
It all sounds so easy.
I’ve fallen in love so many times and it hurts like throwing yourself off a cliff in the mountainy Colorado.
But why don’t we rise in love?
Why not make it easy?

I caressed the surface of your car where you parked it.
I put on your green sweater from where you dropped it.
I wear the clothes you gave me and an honest smile.
I caress your strands of hair like lilies of the nile.

Said rose was your favorite flower and I’m all about hedonism
I don’t walk past a bush without linking them to you
I’ll pick every rose from every square mile
And every drop of blood will turn out worthwhile
Said rose was your favorite flower and I’m all about escapism
I don’t let go of fears without unveiling them to you

Cause I love you for a reason
and that is to not feel lonely on a Saturday night
out in West Hollywood
I understood despite
us being temporary
to nourish us for life.
Cause love is like a garden
the more roses you give, the harder it is to keep it alive
And I don’t wanna get high every time I’m with you.

I wanna touch you
To know I want this to stay alive.
I wanna caress you
on your shoulders like lilies of the nile.

Rosemead flower.
Laurel
Canyon. Hour
‘s late.
Don’t make me sour.
I endeavor
to hold you closest.
Even when summer
wilts ‘fore me forceless.
I wanna hold
and be held closer,
than you hold your roses
closer than closest.

The sound of glass smashing is a pang to the ears, but I’ve learned real beauty comes from broken things.

Drip
I hear water in the gutter
One upside of a broken heart is that I can write, lose guys so I can write about them.
Slip.
Here they fall through my hands just like sand from beaches.
Might sacrifice one night, wake up with red bloodshot eyes, but this poem would be beautifully written.

Most never liked me, RIP.
I had my eyes on them, but they never looked at me.
Most I’ve never talked to, RIP.
He was my realest, but he turned out to be just another poem.

Drip
I hear rain on the windowsill
I guess the good thing is I had fun with him
Crack
I’m broken again
I’m smashed along the edges of my first shattering and that’s along the edges of extreme masochism
that I let my heart break to write this poem.
Drip
Water’s dripping off my face, I’m in the shower.

The view of glass breaking is painful for the eye to see, but now I know that real beauty comes from broken things.

Will this be my best year, best year?
I’m at the frontier of golf courses, where the sun is up and blinding and the hills are green.
Will the next one stay here, stay here?
Will he call me beautiful?
Will he not succumb to the spell of fairytales snapping in the soul?
If I find him I think I might stop being a poet, a poet.
Cause happiness didn’t bring me to my notepad.
If he wants, I’ll write him a poem,
but it would be pretty bad.
Cause I’m only good when I’m lonely, lonely.
I never said I love you to a man.
I never had a man say I love you to me, only that I was hot and he wanted to **** me.
But if I do I’ll find beauty in being with somebody else, but for now I think
that beauty comes from broken things, broken things.

I don't wanna have to be poetic in love no more
only choose the citrus shampoo and perfume
for you My Love.
I don't wanna have to celebrate every month anniversary
but I will never forget March 27 - that's when I realized how much you mean to me.

Won't push your name outta my dictionary
or your face outta my head.

I don't wanna have to outdo myself every night
I can't always be your guardian
But I can work a lullaby

Instead of writing ballads - I cook for you
pretty much breathe for you
I do it all idealistically and thorough
it's just that..
I don't get poetic in love no more.

I make your bed for you,
but don't open the door.

I cooked pretzels for your birthday,
instead of gifting you a rose.

I tell you everything I feel,
but nothing comes in prose.

Sometimes I think
the reason I cling to you
is because you haven't had the time to hurt me yet.
But I want to believe
straightforward that
You are just the one for me.

I’m so ******* high on stardust, I inject glitter into my bloodstream.
I live in no fairytale and that a prince won’t find me is highly likely.
I only write stories about longing, after all that’s all I feel.
But I’m good with the pen, have a soul of a poet, I’m creative.
So I grab my calligraphy pen and I write your name in cursive, then I take one breath and write mine next to yours.
It’s an untitled story, an unpublished romance and I’m not sorry for any nuance woven into it.
I take his proposition.
Ask my everwishing soul to speak sweet compliments like someone playing the harp.
I polish my blue eyes like sapphires, let them sparkle in the glow of big round emeralds,
and that is the start.
That is the start.

Where do I continue, I wonder.
Friends first or lovers, I ponder.
For realism I’ll make it meander and weave in a couple of tears wet nights so when all the lights turn back at them, he would grow fonder and realize he loves him so much.
But my pen is just an object, I’m the object of some grand plan, I’d try to paint what I crave so bad, but even the greatest painters fail, cause love is hard.
Play my song, take a cruise under overpasses in West Oakland, California is home, but if he won’t come I think I won’t go.
And that is the draft.
That is the draft.

After many ripped out pages and grenadine flavored drinks, I can’t write the conclusion.
I don’t wanna be there yet
I don’t wanna skip past that
I don’t wanna climb that high
Cause if I fall, may not stand up.
I leave my calligraphy pen, shut the pages provisionally, then I get undressed and swim in the glittering stars.
And that is the ending for now.
That is the ending for now.

i felt like a fifties movie character the moment i passed the threshold
of my room in the seaside motel
room number ‘i don’t remember’
i dreamed of sleep and sweet tea and bath salts to erase my tenderness
don’t give me a reason to stay but a reason why i would return if i ever leave

there’s things u need to know about me
i’m not the type to bathe in red rose petals and sip wine in a jacuzzi
i won’t bend my knees in a black suit and patent leather shoes and recite poetry
and most importantly- i’m not that weak to call for sympathy
but if u hold me i won’t protest
i won’t raise my voice if u love me
i won’t be hard anymore if u hold me
and i might love u more than anything else if u only love me back
and convince me to stay in this
forever

u can touch me anywhere
i want u to touch me everywhere
i’m restless and under the weather
put on a show for me to make my night better
hide ur hands in the holes of my sweater
and i’ll take u straight to heaven
******* is an art
intense never plain
u swipe the moon away so it becomes day
when u kiss me it feels like lemonade
on a beach party rocking strawberry lingerie
so unholy and i arch like golden gate
and u pass through me like a lightning bolt or a chevrolet
passing the speed limit
in the rearview u see blurring stars
until we find ourselves bathing in the crystalline streams of eden-
baby i’m so happy that i have u
and in hindsight i see no blue
i’m a soft inhabitant of heaven
and we left paradise long ago
but i find my life better than ever
now i love u more than anything else in this world

I’ve never had a thing for metaphors as a poetic whipping boy.
But when I think of it my heart’s kinda like the ancient city of Troy.
And I’m winning at the lotto till it’s just another knockoff seller.
Every guy I genuinely liked but they ain’t **** in hindsight whatsoever.
And every friend I would’ve taken a bullet for but would they have stood for me?
Every wrong decision I’ve made, if I managed to fix them then who would I be?
And I see animus when there is one, is it unanimous that everyone fells that?
Or maybe I’m overanalyzing every vowel, every aspect, every change in tone and dust speck.
I’m vengeful as **** and haven’t had a whole lotta luck finding love and **** like that.
Keeping friendships’ hard alike, dirt all over the welcome mat, I’m too proud to sweep it up.
Life’s one big stratagem, but I’ve made peace with that instead of battling it.
One brutal expedient, but I’m not sowing havoc in the name of embracing it.
And yes, I lie, yes, I add on stolen gems onto my crown.
But I’d never burn somebody’s whole world down.
Cause that’s what y’all were to me.
All you ******* that made Troy of me.
You’re my homie or a phony?
You won’t bother text or phone me.
I watch my homeboy **** it up, waving bye, his fault he missed the boat like that.
Glow up like a cityscape, forever à la mode, I’m on my Taylor Swift **** and your perception of me’s a folklore.
I shot my shot with a stiff, pretend I’m colorblind to red and green.
The dud must be eating ****, explains why he’s so ******* full of it.
I’m on my payback **** and if you double back for more that’s a no-no.
I’m on some hot guy **** and if you want a war this is a no-zone.
I’m on next level **** and if you wish to reach my level, get you a wishbone.
Outta my mind on all-night revels, all nighters getting me all disheveled.
Opening bounties from red devils, get you a reality check, I’m not ending up in flames.
In and out of heaven for forever, try and diminish the malevolent.
Never let a passerby bedevil me, you on some mythology ****, you ain’t gonna see me burn.

Can’t infiltrate my walls like Troy.
But he can infiltrate me though.
I’m on some daredevil **** and I’m it.
Doing kinds of **** I’d never thought I did.
Don’t stress yourself over a ploy.
Don’t bother fool me with decoys.
I’m on self-improvement and I’m the ****.
Bouta do everything I scrapped out of fear of doing it.

I’m no **** superhero, but I’m like the Iron Man.
Don’t stick my neck out for nobody but me and myself.
Got a heart of steel but I’m still a hopeless romantic.
Hard to keep your head above water when your nature’s aquatic.
I’d like to think I’m smart enough not to jump into conclusions and possible scenarios.
Don’t jump into fights I ain’t gotta be no part of or have me win for the satisfaction.
I really owe myself that after all the **** I let happen to me and I’m regretful.
It made my psyche empirical, built up by raw emotion and that journey was painful.
Anyway, I could’ve hit his DMs up or hers or theirs.
I could’ve ditched my persona and be a villain that I was cast to play by them.
I maybe should’ve made it seem like I didn’t back up all afraid.
Or maybe it’s a good thing that I let them triumph as I sailed away.
Because in the end I turned their ruse against them, cold blooded like a cryostat.
I played their pride as their cities went up in smoke, but I ain’t no copycat.
Guess now I’m back to nurturing self-love and ornamenting that iron door.
Get it on with Troy, get you a reality check, you on some lowlife lore.

i want to say thank u
for standing by my side during the eclipse
for observing it with me from the pier by the beach
and for being the witness to my evolution and growth
thank u- for triggering the chain of necessary events in order to free me
for making me feel like i’m loved

today i felt stronger
put on my favorite dotted t-shirt that reminds me of the perfect summer
which was the metaphor of emptiness dissolved in disguise
cause when i looked up to the skies to search for symbols addressed to me
i saw nothing but a blue sheet with silver fluffy lines running symmetrically
almost like a river aiming to trespass the gates of surreality
and to flow on my roof like rain
on colder summer days

but- ever since i found u it brought end to my solace i’ve planted in solitude
like palm trees in long beach in old black and white hollywood films
my apparently fake permanent watermark vanished like a ripple
along with ur name appearing on my heart like a handwritten tattoo
after a flat stone was thrown into the water
on which the image of the moon was distorted and wavy but reverted
to its original form but it appeared to have been painted
so i dived in but this time not by myself
not with a leather jacket on somewhen around two a.m.
and the real meaning behind love turned out to be more beautiful
than i could have ever imagined
thank u
for placing a canopy above my parade
and bringing me warmth to heat up my frozen heart on hot summer days

tomorrow i will start my day off by saying hello to u
as i always do
i will confess my love as if this wild journey was brand new
forever anchored to the rule number one of a pulsing relationship
and once again bow down and thank u
because for the opportunity to gaze into ur brown eyes and feel ur touch on my body
i would have sacrificed the glory the fortune and all the world’s money
but it all crashed into me like a tsunami on a spring day in early morning
i let the stream carry me like a boat bound to a distant coast
the closest a place on earth will get to paradise
where u would greet me with a kiss
willingly drown in the bliss
in which i don’t mind drowning

i vow to stay with u
for keeping me calm amidst cyclones
for filling the void running through my heart like a cave
for reviving me completely shattered and lifting from my grave
for giving me a striking reason to row for u if i no longer can for me
and for convincing me that life can be beautiful
just like ur magnificent brown eyes that i’m addicted to
and that pierce my soul with a beam of iridescent light
as i rain down
and tear around
holding ur hand
in an enclosed paradise

no service out here
summer is finally over and i’m set free from my chain
now i’m left to wonder by myself
about where do i go from here
what i do know for sure at the moment
is that i won’t have spent the night calling the failed romantics hotline
with u in my heart i’ll make it until sunrise
i have no tears to hold now
no steam to blow off now
and i put my citrus perfume on to enchant the fall night
to brighten it up and to forward oxygen to fire towards its apogee at midnight
i’m not crying anymore
world cut me i’ll bleed ichor

if there’s someone watching over me indeed
don’t pull me out of this cycle please
let stars burn in peace
i won’t allow the world to burn me out- i promise this!
u just have to trust me infinitely and without doubt to achieve peace
because i’m never stopping again until i enchant u to me
i’m done losing people- that’s all

i won over the heat
over the coldness within me
cater the spark so it evolves into fire
the way i’ve been taken care of so now i’m who i am
i promise to everyone who listens- i’ll keep my love alive all four seasons!
night or day- winter or summer
i promise to keep u safe until spring when we first met
and i was finally lit on fire
my mind is a sunlit coast now
it’s a cruel summer
i don’t mind being sunburnt
i love the heat u bring me- i’ll take care of it- i swear!
i’ll hide the flame in my arms so it won’t waver by the wind
i’ve failed such thing before but i’m capable now- i promise this!

this fire
it’s growing so hot that it’s turning blue
it’s pushing me violently into bed with u
add wood or it’ll die
extinguish it or i’ll die from the heat from the rush and the devastating wildfire
the havoc of my past life
the highlight of my summer nights
the beginning of my high life
don’t listen to me when i cry
i’m somebody else then
i promise i’ll make things right!

i’m not hot
i’m not cold
something in between- or professionally i’m in love

i’m as hot as cinder
i taste like citrus and salty sea water
i’m a breathtakingly beautiful seashell- as pretty as lonely
and i’m strong but also fragile alas i can never change it
i’m carried places with no consent by strangers
who don’t think the way i do and aren’t the way i am
i’m like this ceramic-like treasure but when they put me in their pocket
in midst of all the things to forget
i break
i fall to pieces as a ceramic vase shatters
i’m fragile and requiring to be held in a delicate way
i wish people could understand that
but people aren’t like u- they can’t decipher me plus u love me and u know me
and u know how to handle something between hot and cold like me

anyways- i’m glad i won’t have spent my life calling the failed romantics hotline
instead i’ll be calling u
love of my life

Just why?
Tell us why did you do what you did?
Are you on the run or losing it?
Why did you ruin everything we’ve worked to keep?
You always ruin everything!

Alright, here it is.

Just why, why’d you cut us off after everything that we’ve been to?
Just think, if I made the decision to cut y’all off I had reasons to.
And what was that you posted when you have all that anxiety?
Well, to update y’all, it was just me tryna please everybody.
I ain’t got beef with anybody and I ain’t a vegetarian.
I don’t spill blood battling with my haters, instead I bury ‘em.
I don’t let intrusive thoughts affect my decision making.
I do turn on a whim, but I ain’t lost, I got priorities.
I could’ve been a savior, hell, I could’ve been a hero.
I could’ve been a full-time villain but got better ideas.
At first I gave y’all complications only so I could spite ya.
Now they’re making compilations that I ain’t even a part of.
Never skype ya.
Never talk to ya.
I ain’t buying what you selling.
Before y’all criticize that too, listen to what y’all  been saying.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Why that name?
What you on?
I thought
it could be
a fresh start.
So I won.
Yeah I won.
Uh-huh.

I changed my name, like I reinvent myself yearly.
I check marked LA, shut your mouth, it is way too early.
To complain like that, wish I ain’t made it work, really?
I got my haters’ backs so I could stab them hoes there, easy.
What you talkin’ ‘bout? What the ******* mean by hoax?
Darkness in your basement, catch a light no wonder it looks sus.
I am on a level you ain’t dreamed of seeing, let alone reaching.
Your brains’ ain’t been lucid thinking, shoulda stuck to preaching.
Suits you.
Suits you, make you look more silly than you are.
If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em, but I think I’d rather die.
I didn’t pave this road for ‘em to muddy it back up.
I’m a blueprint to myself, hate I take as a compliment.
Fruity and rocking Gucci, I’m an edible arrangement.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Where the hell
‘d you get it from?
We thought
you were running
but you aren’t.
Yeah I won.
The marathon.
But I ain’t running.

I used to fear dentists, planes and social interactions.
Now I floss, I’m sky high and receive standing ovations.
These hoes oily, extra ******, when I eat I do it raw, stare.
These walking failures getting oral checked but at a dentist chair.
I sleep under palm trees *******, summer body done.
I can see y’all hoes are *******, acting downside up.
Before I let y’all disappear, you’ll see what you passed up on.
Give me a heads up, cover my ears before y’all wax on.
Wax on.
Wax on but as in y’all ******* babbling.
Still like bayou water but my jacuzzi bubbling.
I’ll send y’all postcards from vacays in countries round the equator.
Make y’all **** hurt, get y’all a good buttache alleviator.
If that doesn’t help, why don’t y’all get off my D?
If you so against me, why you fools stay fooling with me?
I keep it straight with me and I didn’t always do.
If it benefits me then that’s what I’m gonna do.
I thought they would like me if I changed a thing or two.
But that wasn’t me and I ain’t liked who I turned into.
I would leave them hanging if I felt so inclined.
For when I wanted realness but y’all ******* declined.
I’mma release poems on all my exs’ birthdays too.
Give me a fortnight,
I’mma make it too.
Starting now I should know that red and green differ.
Be this hot and I never signed a deal with Lucifer.
And next time y’all wanna kiss my ***, just say you need a ride.
I’mma pass, here’s a disclaimer, it’s me now I prioritize.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Why that name?
What you on?
My prime ****
to be exact
and ain’t no act.
So I won.
So I won.
Wax on, wax on.

Get me on that walkie talkie and for ******* what?
Sick of your fucky wucky so shut the **** up.
On a brighter note, I’mma dearly thank all of my homies.
Twenty years you’ve given me support through all of my wilding.
I’ll make sure to leave y’all my address in Rosemead when I finally go.
I’mma wrap this up now, catch you on the flipside, this is Bella Goth.

The higher we go
To space
The freer I feel my baby
You find my hand
The heat
It soothes my aching head

All the rains are gone, I’m listening to the hummingbirds
All the skies are clear, I spin, watching the dance of planets
Because you know what makes a man like me happy, baby
I’m beside you, bedside blues but I’m undressed

I love the moon
The sun
The stars like I’m Daenerys
You make me shine
Brightly
And so I feel like I’m the greatest

Tell me truly, did you know you were falling for a stargazer
I hope you know, I’ll picture us both in the stardust chasing
The shooting stars as they dash and we would be interlacing
Into a cometh that others would see

All the rains are gone, I’m listening to the hummingbirds
All the skies are clear, I spin, watching the dance of planets
Because you know what makes a man like me happy, baby
I’m beside you, bedside blues but I’m undressed

Maybe in the space we can be together
Maybe in the unknown I can be yours forever
Maybe then I would be perfect in your eyes
And I wouldn’t have to try not to get lost in starry skies
I stand proud like a statue of a god
Tryna get you to join my yerba mate club
If you come, know I got you till the sun stops
Be your bed gargoyle and watch you through the night
You ***** me like a lightbulb and I shine
Aloft I feel when you push me high up
You make me who I am so I stay by your side
And I stay the same
Except now I’m not

hello guardian angel
i’m calling u from beyond the ordinary world
i’d like to take back all my complaints i gave u
i found home
i found it in a person like u said i would
i found warmth
in the brown summery eyes of true love
i found calm
it’s flooding my coastline like crazy but it’s better than nothing
i found love
i saw three threes in deep sleep and now i’m asking if u had something to tell me
can i finally start to put trust in me?
i keep seeing mirror hours
i pay allegiance to my amor
i can’t not think of it
it’s like ecstasy
333

i’m young and crazy even if i don’t appear to be
quiet on the outside but storming on the inside
in my past life i dreamed of becoming a star
a famous writer also- but then i made up my mind
i wanted to be happy over my singleness- i failed that though
i opened my eyes
i have one last wish
i’ll say it out loud:

let me keep what i have
it’s something i can’t live without

hear me out angel and make that wish come true
i know i ask for much and i’m sorry, i’ll try not to bother u
i’m losing things- never gaining and i pray it may change
i just need u more than ever now
so hear me out
things improved- i want to ensure they stay this way
i’m levitating high- don’t force me to go back to blue
not to the sea level
not farther from u

never back to black
never ever look downcast
never lose sight of my north star again
by what i’ve observed in me, i’m ready to circumnavigate the earth
restart
never back to back

never higher
never lower
please

farewell guardian angel
my mind is now made up
the place i’m in makes me feel like home and it feels like where i belong
i’ve never felt this way before
i found a new meaning for home
and i don’t wanna be anywhere else but here

in the end- i feel enormous gratitude for u for taking good care of me
and the things that u taught and showed me
i found my destination
like an island rising up from the sea
glistening in front of me
phantom of preferred reality
which is the key to the gate to artificial heaven
and it makes me wonder why has everything happened to me

wish my life was simple as 123
i wouldn’t have to call 911 on me
dear 333

For the record, I don’t give a ****.
I haven’t given one since the day I dropped “Hollywood”, really.
For the better, I don’t push my luck.
I haven’t had a lucky streak since the day that never came.
For the record, I’ve never had a movie night on Valentine’s Day that turned into a French kiss marathon under the projector
I’ve never sat abreast on bleachers with my head on someone’s shoulder, feeling normal, listening out for a taco truck, ******* hating the heat but loving the breeze.
And loving the track he thought was fire enough to share with me.
If I were to share one, I’d play “Thinking Of You” by Sister Sledge, be like “I love the lyrics, they make me think of you”,
but I never got to say that.
The only thing that ****** me raw was life and it wasn’t even that good.
It wasn’t addicting.
It was nowhere near good.
For the record, I’ve never been to prom and I’m blessed to not have gone.
I wouldn’t dare dance my own way and my way is taboo, an elephant in the room.
Not even the scent of my perfume or a wine topper going off could give me confidence to be honest with myself,
to stop being an average bystander just to become part of the background or a meek voice that’s sinking into traffic south of El Sereno.
I don’t want what’s expected of me, please stop asking.
Find me out at El Camino, but please stop writing my life for me.
I don’t wanna have kids, I don’t want a wedding.
I don’t want a “wife plus kids” happy ever after package.
I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want this.
For the record, I’ve never had a Netflix session gone ****** and my favorite memory is my first day in LA.
I’ve never kissed anyone in the school’s restroom and then ran out cause our song was on, was part of a party’s tracklist.
That’s why I’m setting the record straight, I’m done showing a facade that’s fake.
The only thing that ****** me was life and it wasn’t satisfying
I liked smoking more
but I’ve only smoked five cigarettes.

I think I’m alive to have butterflies
run around like a sociopath with my butterfly net and like every one I catch
be like “You’re so ******* beautiful, but I have a hundred just like you”
this is me being honest.
I think I exist to have eyes for guys
change them like clothes when I find better looking ones that don’t suit me anyway
Oh, lord have mercy, I’m simping my way into my grave.
I think I’m alive to be all smiles
I’m a ****** of adrenaline that gets me hyperventilating and dilates my eyes
Keeps me up until 3, forces to contemplate what I’m losing and what I can save
Oh, lord have mercy, I’m ******* my way into my grave.
He’d make me sing like na na na na na.
*** on bleachers, hearing Bananarama.
Sit next to me like “Ayo, Lana Banana, where’s the smile on your face, today’s mine or your place?”
These cheerleaders have sun bright futures, all I’ve is decay, but you, Juan, you can take me to your place.
I don’t want ***, I want a hug. A friendly face amidst these *******, a seat next to you in the back of the bus, this was supposed to be my heartstopper, what went wrong?
I got to feel like Charlie for a day, now I’m the gay cousin, it’s official, my heart’s wants are superficial, phone’s still not buzzing.
I used to be interrogated at family functions about my love life, I had none to little.
I used to ride in the back of the school bus with all the coolest people.
I have a bi pride flag baptized with a water cannon by a drag queen in a fabulous orange wig.
I sang Lady Gaga on a pride parade, I saw a cute gay couple and it made me think why not me?
But then I thought that one day it will be worth sitting alone and keeping love confessions at the tip of my tongue, believe me when I say I deserved better.
This year I’ll get the luxury of living a life.
I pray for it when I lay down in bed.
For the record, I want everything I never had.
To be honest, if you’re on board, just don’t be delicate.

Man
who am I to blame for living in the 21st century amidst wildfires and strikes and racism and homophobia and misogyny all thriving restlessly in broad daylight.
This is not a world I'd choose to live in
but I do and so what???

I'm 1 in 125
I'm a birch in an oak forest
Long story short - life ****** me over, but I'm alive

I come from nowhere
I'm native nowhere
which means wherever I go, I can't really say I'm home there
but I've wandered in my thoughts since I was little
And little did I know I was brought up to stir fiery coal in hell, that was a country of hypocrisy and those who lead it
I pray would burn in hell
but I come from nowhere
and I won't be joining them.

I purge myself out of poison every day
I know people talk **** about me behind my back - guess it's time I started backfiring **** at them.

One - **** my fake "friends"!
******* for smiling at me for show in group photos and secretly wishing I wasn't there.
I hope you know I washed my hands with tons of soap after every unwanted handshake
I reckon you knew I bled trying to satisfy you
paid all your debts, cleaned all your mess, made the world a better place just to get a silent thank you, hidden *******, we exploited you now scram!
Oh, how many "friendships" met their end because of that.
Because I unmasked posers who only cared about themselves.
But I stayed unbent
always true to myself
Counted down the days till I could sever the chain of gullible, future drug-taking hillbillies with rocks instead of brains.
I went to high school fervently hoping I'd find my place
I left high school in a blizzard of bitterness and deliverance.
I could count all the ingenuous smiles I wore, conversations I attempted to weave tired of standing there all alone.
But I won't squander my time on anything like that
That, I don't forgive and I don't forget.

Two - **** the government!
Won't drop names, not cause it's confidential, but cause I don't wanna flaw this page.
When the rightful president candidate lost by a few percent (by trashing his votes cause how in the hell?) a fragile beam of hope within me withered in its tragic end.
My dream of just future dried out anticipating rain, but all that dropped that fateful day were tears of regret.
I have no nationality
When someone asks me where I'm from I change the subject, cause it's better than the medieval ******* of a country I'm from, where even gaslight is subpar and I feel second hand embarrassment for those who dictate on.
I try and diminish that part about me.
That's pretty much how I've been dealing with inhuman laws and censorships arising. The hate of politics, it helped me carry on. Every time I almost jumped into conclusions about me
That maybe I misfit in this wicked world
I envisioned when they fall I'll be the first to clap for their monstrous loss.

**** the Church! I do believe in God and blissful afterlife for me
but I also believe that if they say a homosexual is an abominable disgrace to society
then I can reiterate aloud what others say about priests.
Get outta my hair, just like I got outta your lot and remember that you can kiss whoever you want.
**** the school system for making me learn things that flew straight in and out my head, like history of this country and if I could, I’d rather be born somewhere else.
**** the music industry since all it takes to win a Grammy is a preschooler-level written boring song about *** and a **** swinging between your legs.
**** fake equality and setting up people against each other. I'm a feminist and crave equality for us all yet when women call all men ****, where's equality after all???
**** courtesies like rushing to open doors, paying for someone cause it'd be rude not to or carrying their bags home from school. I treat everyone equally, no goddess or god, the way I'd like to be treated if I were another soul.
**** "family friends" who only babble about my ****** life, whorehouses and ******* every ******* time, like I'd rather sleep at the table than listen to your crap.
I envy my future self after having seen the faces of yours after I tell you what I think about you.
I tried to sweep you all aside and withhold my hatred inside
I've been trying frankly
In the world I crave there's my face carved into Mount Rushmore
Like Benjamin Franklin
I only want a good life for me and those I love
For now thought I scream:
FUUUUUUUUUCK!
I feel light as a feather hovering in a tranquil dream.
My resentment keeps me going
This poem is how I deal.

i can be ur canvas for u to paint me as i’m getting undressed
my baby doll face is smooth and my porcelain body fragile to the brush
but i believe that in the right hands i could be made into a work of art
so hold me in ur arms and hide me from the sun that’s scorching and hot
let’s dive into an azure ocean and forget who we really are
live for true love that we crave deep inside
i am urs baby and u are just mine

u’re my dear muse- always on my mind
we belong in the louvre yet we’re ahead of our time
it’s only u and me that matter in my life
and as long as u’re nearby i’m grateful i’m alive
i live for this feeling and maybe i’m just so in love
like an unreasonable dreaming child
with a prolonged monologue fastened firm to my motley heart
so in love i live ur life instead of mine that’s alluringly benign and divine and
i live us and i love my life
but that’s really nothing bad
u know- choosing compelling fantasy over plain reality is one of the few things
i’m glad i’ve done
when i see u in the sun i feel calm
i imagine the waves composing a song that plays over me thinking:
i am where i belong
and that’s in ur arms
u know darling- when u have enough of this world
why don’t just get lost in something pristine
with someone u truly love?

my longing of highways- of moonlight that’s soft
living free
love is all i’ve got

i draw stars with baking powder on the stove like a painter on a drawing board
scatter cinnamon on ur sweet face
tilt towards ur glossy lips that taste like lush cherries grown in summer haze
but there’s no haste- none of that
i suppose we all know art requires time and passion or else it may fade
only pleasure never tension
i’m open for interpretation
i’m pretty in ur eyes and i stay pretty just for u
i cry at night and i blur paint laid below my watery eyes but u say it’s alright-
i listen to u
so decorate me how u want- pin glittery stars to my lemon blond hair
paint daisies and dandelions in prime on my face cause they’re my favorite flowers
and i love the way they smell
ornament me with great diligence and angelic emotion
pour urself onto me
all ur colors and their shades
we have all the time in the world
we have love as strong as no one has

i promise i will be ur canvas
paint me as i lay my head on ur chest and as it’s dimming down and sun sets
let’s get loose and jive on a watercolor painted lawn
shift astray and thrive like grapevines climbing monet beach house walls

I've grown out of being humble like I've grown up from being awkwardly limited.
Before my sunnier days, my heart was hanging in my chest like a rigorous bird cage
and it took one word
one simple action
to release my happiness, sadness, anger, glamor and marvel to wander amidst splendor and ordinariness of the planet Earth.

So I became a poet
gave life to a couple hundred poems
that I defend with life period.

If I dipped my head in stardom
and were to shine down upon millions
I would never show up in a black suit and a tie

I didn't choose the language that my soul speaks
and I'm proud.
I never wanted my art to be evaluated
interpreted wrong
because my art is my gladness, my fear, my sadness, my smile, my thunder, my hail and my hotness.
For I change like the weather and I love this climate.
Like the wildest river I meander and I know no ocean to fade into.

No matter the pressure, I won't snap like a rubber band
I won't let the world **** me
Or stamp my precious flowerbeds
Spill water of misconception on my poems
I won't let them

And when the time comes to defend my legacy
I won't show up in a black suit and a tie.

Daddy was a sailor, but I stuck to toy ships in the bathtub - and it’s only as far as I got into the deep waters.
I swam a flash of a lifetime and only as far as the watchful eye of the lighthouse could see.
Past that range I never set my anchor in, but that didn’t stop me from gazing ahead through my sextant’s cracked lens.
I ran my fingers across the nautical chart and all the bays were just circles I kept walking in the dark, but I threw wood into the hearth to keep myself from freezing.
I kept me warm when times got rough.
My home is like a port side, but there’s a nautical knot around my heart.
My quarters are in cobwebs and the door is boarded up.
I write so it’ll get better, but all a sailor says is lies.
How do I lose the great whites biting into the stern of my boat?
I didn’t want to sink.
So I headed back to the port.
Lord enlighten me and let my heart go on.

My hotheadedness I take after my grandfather and my softheartedness from Jesus himself.
I’m trying my best to be brave like my father but the wind and the waves and the deep waters, they scare me off.
I feel a little adventurous, but that’s a feeling that washes off, when the tides rise or lightning strikes or when I see another boat.
My heart is covered in nautical knots and I shoot flares into the sky, only so when I get heard I sail back to hide
in the cold navy naiveness.
Lord give me strength to be brave like them.

My old man upstairs, he loves to remind me of what I think I need.
14 dreams in, I need to make up my mind or start writing my will.
I try so hard to lose the great whites
to free my heart and have it go on like a tugboat of a drunken sailor fallen overboard.
My man one floor higher, he sometimes brings me to heights higher and higher.
He watches me sweat fighting fire with fire
but I can’t keep falling for someone new just to forget the one before him.
I’m quietly hoping
I’m quite nearly there
off the desired shore
of the Avalon Island.
My father was a sailor, but he threw in the towel for a reason I don’t know, I played with wooden ships in the four walls of my home.
I never sailed so far off that land merged into sky and everything was blue, the sea, the skies and I.
So lord enlighten me and say how long to wait, divine me coordinates when it’s right.
Let my heart float away like a letter in a bottle thrown astray to that one person a billion waves away.
Avalon is an island far away, but distance is a made up thing.
It doesn’t matter if I’ll have you here, cause in heaven I’ll have everything.

Listen, it’s whatever.
I ain’t got **** to say.
I’m a Cali boy forever.
Heart left by Ocean Way.
I’m at mercy of the universe now, ain’t got room in heart to spare.
I love you real much but I’m at a turning point, breathing in dead air.
And the metal zipper of my black leather dangles in the wind, music to my despair, ain’t got a word to say.
I listen to what I used to listen.
It brings back time and has me reminiscin’.
But I ain’t got **** to say.

My backyard’s a graveyard of roses I’ve planted for him.
Only saying cause you asked.
Will you help me dig them up?
Let’s uproot dead roses of love undone and plant our own of love to come.
We’ll fertilize them and sing folk songs on a long road from home.
I’ve got it in me, believe it or not, but I’ve got it in me.
And love will come.

Let me center the whole universe around us.
Let me worry ‘bout you every single time you miss my call.
Let me rant to you in an unabridged way.
Let me release like vape steam what I ever venture say.
My 11PM attitude, high on verisimilitude.
I swear I love you, but my heart feels dead.
Just look at the fallen petals, ash instead of soil.
The dead air I’ve been breathing, it used to be a joy.
But I believe it, believe it or not, but I believe in resurrection.
Of a broken heart.

My backyard’s a graveyard of roses I’ve planted listening to Super Freaky Girl.
We were like Jimmy and Kim, we were like flame and gasoline, people got hurt.
I loved like a maniac, I almost even told my closest friends, how happy I’ve been.
But I’ve been lying all my life, it wasn’t even happiness, it was a chore I kinda liked.
Cause he had my back.
And I took bullets for him.
For him I gave the *****.
Unlike giving them for me.
But one thing I’m willing to say is even though I’m wilting to decay is,
I loved like a maniac, like fire it burned, but it went away.
Cali boy forever, the yearly switches got me crying by Ocean Way.
Santa Monica screensaver, we were there, but now we’re a world away.
And I ain’t got **** to say to you, ain’t got anything.

Now there’s dead roses rotting by my house.
If you help me, we can plant brand new ones.
I’ve got it in me, believe it you do, I’ve faith in it too.
That love can come
of love undone.

At this point I’m sure I’ll forever be on the mend.
Waiting for the best thing that happened to end.

A billion years from now,
I’ll still be yours.
Just like it is right now,
I belong where you.
I’ll continue to ******* lowlifes in the comment section.
I’ll glorify your harshness long as I got a heart that beats.
All this love I’ve to give.
Swear it came out of the blue.
Whatever comes, I’ll be here.
Dreaming of having you.

At this point I’m sure I’ll never find happiness elsewhere.
All I’ve ever wanted was to live in the embrace of your haven.

Venice, scoop me up and lift me up before the waves pull me under.
Cover me in sunburns and wash me ashore to the beach birds’ flutter.
I swear it all came outta the Pacific’s blue.
Long as I have a mouth to speak, I’ll continue to babble about you.
I swear it all comes down to becoming one with you.
Long as I have a heart to love, I’ll continue to adore you too.

A billion years from now, I’ll have sunk in the waters by the continental shelf.
But in my lifetime I’ll carve swans in hedges with metal shears, sunglasses I picked up at 7/11 in South San Gabriel.
I really wanna talk **** ‘bout coworkers marriage problems over coffee, getting fired cause I’m hot, red hot in trouble for blowing bubbles at work.
Doing wheelies on shopping carts but during the day since none of the witnesses knows my actual name.

They say write and write till you write your future into existence.
LA, **** me into your frontier and hold me within your dominion.
I want something lasting, not everlasting.
Something I can have without having to cherish.
I had a good thing, but it ended.
And my heart, it’s since been mended.

Baby figured I was sore so he poured me a bubblebath
Brought a Bluetooth speaker and played my favorite track
Said I had to soar
To feel the clouds under my feet
Said I needed to spread my wings
If I dreamed of breaking out of here

Baby realized I was scared so he pulled the sun right up
Made it bright as day and blew away the caliginous clouds
Gave me a fair start
So I could fly where my eyes can’t see
Gave me a relevant reason to stay
And that was breaking out of here

So I flew
And I flew
Till I was sore
I looked behind
I’ve ran away
And we were happier than ever since

Men are like roses - pretty but painful to get ahold of.
Like top-shelf champagne - savor them until you can't.
I sip like a lord
Fans and vinyls spin around
I sweet text you
Rain on you emoji hearts

I don't want dollar trees
Just you all over me
Your grandfather's clock ticking
And your daddy's embroidery

No rose will ***** my hands tonight.

Let's stroll into your daddy's country club bb
Play "Right Time" by Nikki Lane in the back of a jeep
because bae, it's always the right time to do the wrong thing

I wanna be there for you
Wear something shiny for you
Be there at 7 regardless of the season and not disappear like Golden Gate.
I wanna give you everything
but I have nothing to give
Except say “I love you so much” and if I could I’ll give you golden
rings to remind you we’re married and that I won’t fade like Golden
and Bay.

I remember what we did
in the city by the bay
We walked through Chinatown
to a jewelry store off Clay Street
Two blocks away from Hilton
I bought a beer opener with the bridge
that we cruised under when the fog was thick
I could see the golden pillars
I could see your smile unfolding
And since then I didn’t wanna see it fade like Bay or Golden.

All my life I strived to be different.
Ever since I took my first breath I've considered myself an artist and may I feel that way until my last.

As a kid I carried my painting kit everywhere and I'd sit and reshape reality into something artistic.
Something that was mine
and nobody else's.
I dipped my paintbrush in a cup of water, tryna not mix the wrong shades
but I did eventually
and thought it wasn't resplendent, the road I once painted, it brought me here.

I love my life
but I've always known I deserved better than that.

The passers-by didn't love me.
I was an outsider in each town where I tried to settle down.
I was no local
I was no resplendent god
I was a ghost in high school, I lived so close but I was no ******* local still (???)

And so I freed a lexical avalanche instead of screaming
God I hate to scream.
My art makes me glad of the pathway I've chosen
and the people I've turned into
I'm glad I'm not anymore.

although
Somehow somewhere I heft this longing
of clasping chain link fences and pulling over by highway drive through coffee shops
The longing for chasing sunsets and dancing in the rain
opening the lid of my miniature treasure chest and putting on my lucky charm...

How do I make this life real?
not a painting or a poem...

                        ???                             ­    ???
       ???                                   ???

???                               ???
                  ???                                  ???
  ­                
I guess I'm gonna have to write

There’s a guy, let’s call him Anton.
He fell in love with someone he’s never ever seen.
And that guy, he sought the reason.
A guy who won’t hurt you is one you’ll never ever meet.
The guy, he overstayed it at the château.
He’s afraid he’s someone that he will never ever be.
And what he did was find his reason.
Now he aviates asleep like they never ever dreamed.

I’m waking up from my dream.
And it took place in the clouds.
I’m getting nearer.
I got that feeling.
My ETA’s now, never ever been this near.
Bound to an airport, one I’ll never ever leave.

Do they hurt me or is it I that deals the damage?
Am I hurting them out of fear of being hurt first?
Now I’m contemplating over an ocean of clouds.
My eyes shut, letting the winds direct me to the end.

It went like that:

One night I was in a room
Lying on a bed and to myself and he entered like he knew
Reached his hand over to me
I was hellbent
On clamming up and being left be
He insisted I gave him a chance
And one he got
I think I fell in love
But I don’t mind as he won’t break my heart
Cause now he’s gone.
Another night I fell asleep
There was a guy right next to me
Handing me paper scraps, watching me
I said “Speak it aloud, set it free”
He confided in me
Gravitated real close to me
Our souls collided in a kiss
And some white lies to solidify it, the once upon a dream connection
It reappeared, the sound of a lock dropping, it was real, it was heartstopping.
Later came the disconnection.
It felt like waking up from a dream, one I wished I’ll never ever see end.
I’d let him fix my heart but it’s already on the mend.
Question is, what will it give me, knowing when to say when.
This taking off, it’s all I have until I wake up before the flight ends.
The third, he was familiar in a room of familiarity and family function ****
No thought to be over-processed, he was touching me, real tangibly
Laying over me
Gifted me a word of kindness but missed the point entirely
A shot in the dark, a spark in the heart.
I didn’t inspect nearby looks, I just listened on.
And so I hope I see him again in a couple years
I don’t know if I will
What I know is that it ends before it begins.
Like backstage romances and post-show kisses or Singapore hotel love affairs, I dreamed that too.
Patrick’s came too soon into my life to make the fourth switch.
A Judas french kiss, I’ve been over that too.
I don’t dance to his own music, I just like him cause he’s cute.
Another night of many I was over it
Already picturing gas price meters and 7/11s, cigarette smoke and rubbing fingertips
Steady with a baby but as in romance
Pending if I must admit, but tangible in a sense
When he was just in my head and not in my bed
Cause I had it all on lockdown
But I was still at passport control, anticipation had me losing control
I keep waking up before I land
To see the hills again I’d do god knows what
But I got some other plans
Got a boyfriend in Mexico, would die if he let me go
Got my daughter figure at home
I can’t exactly make amends
Or demands, each’s a far cry though
I’m bound for an airport and I’m Anton now
I don’t worry about anything at my best
I’m running to get the bag
Money to fly me west
Not to outrun the wolves with hearts laced onto their spiked black collars
racing to bite me in the *** for having the fruit I’ve sown rot
I never wanted to be vindictive, for what’s it really worth.
But somebody’s gotta be the bad guy.
Aim to escape this trance, it ends
It’s gotta have a horizon
New York, September 24th, 2024?
I’ve waited so long, think I’m going for numero dos
I broke up with my boyfriend for someone just as bad
But it lead me to my next, I need to give him more attention
I listen to him talk in Spanish, pretend he’s not so far away
4 months elapsed like steam
I’d do it all again
I wanna make it up to him for loving him as a replacement for Jack ******* Daniels
But what is distance gonna do?
What’s the ocean’s threat to drown?
I don’t fear thunderclouds as I cross them.
I don’t care, cause really I’m not there.
It’s just a dream, one I’m in, but I’m waking up.
Don’t matter if I like it or not.
One isn’t enough, I need more.
Remember, September 24th.
Hope my problems vanish by the third quarter of 2024.
That’s when the flight ends.
That’s when I’m all yours.

I’ll write a song with you.
I’ll go to bed with you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll rob a bank with you.
Jack, don’t wake me the **** up, I said so many times I despise this world, I wanna be with you in ******* Pasadena or in a few mile radius.
I’m losing my sanity tryna convince you to drop everything.
Living’s real tough when I can’t have you.
Jack wake me up when you’re sober.
Jack fix me a kilo when the high is over.
Jack I just wanna go back to LA so badly.
I don’t know what I’m doing but I’ll write a song for you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll go dark for you.
I’ll lap dance for you.
I’ll wait years for you.

Take me to
to New York.
Forget me
when we’re through.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I could live for all eternity but never forget the only one who was caring to me.
Drop me off
of Rodeo Drive.
Kiss my lips
for the last time.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I’ll forget you only when I find someone who shows me a semblance of compassion.

I couldn’t go a day without missing my ex boyfriend.
But only when I’m drunk cause I get real nostalgic.
Every one of them I loved but they hurt me real badly.
I would lust over them like hell, but then I get sober.

I love this place.
It’s just like I dreamed it, honey.
Lemme fix you a drink and then you can tell me about that ******* boss of yours.
I ain’t done nothing today but miss ya.
I wrote a poem though, wanna see it?
How ‘bout we go to Rodeo Drive?
Yes, a date.
No occasion.
And just so you know, I ain’t drinking today.
Why?
I don’t know.

I don’t really need to.

I wanted a fun weekend
and now I'm slowly starting to need you..
I tried to lose myself in Oklahoma
two days off from someone who knows me through
Wind in my hair never felt so free
Now I can't get over you,
Jesus freak.

You taste like fruit marshmallows
delicately melting in my mouth
deliberately too sweet
citrus gold
white hot

I can't get over you Matt
I wanted to arrange my cards, now I'm cheating on my boyfriend and I cannot sleep at night
I tilt left and right
forever in a sugar rush
play pretend
dopamine high

I know that what I do isn't right
I like to call it a fever which will turn out alright.
Even though I lowkey wish you stayed for another fortnight
and one more
and another
It's a lost cause but let's try - not like I have anything else to live for at this time.

I wouldn't be as bold if I had already crossed you out
Maybe if we went back to Daytona, things would go according to plan and we wouldn't have to part ways in August, what do you think my love?
I could live like Lizzy
compose in a trailer park
as long as I'm the same, it's you I'll write about.

  Pull me close to you
    I'm at my weakest now
As long as I'm the same it's you I'll think about.

    It's more than a fever
  Babe I get it now
    I can reach infinity
  Lemme show you how

What are you in eyes so blue?
Iron gate that’s cold, inflexible
Fragile like ice on a pond
Yet it’s hot as it melts in my palm

I’ll never ebb to the foot of our bed
I’ll never walk over the threshold unless
I’ve filled the room with your favorite scent
I’ll make my clothes smell like my precious man

In the summer of my life I was burning
charming
like a God.
But when the colder times came in hotly
I gave up
and I was lost.

In the rhythm of philosophers pondering on the lawn
with the kitchen radio on
watching stars go by at dawn.
I resign in the fashion of determining my home
and the next chapter will come.

In the spring of my life I was thriving
I was beautiful
like lotus.
But when redwoods’ leaves began falling
so did I
but didn’t die.

I can't turn wistful, reminiscing about the times I played with cherubs in rose gardens
turn mud- and blood-stained linens white
no matter how long I try
no matter how hard I rub
Can't wash off the impurity or the vile serpent slithering up my left profile
cause innocence was lost.

In those gardens
my hands bled from thorns
a dozen bruises on my knees from the dozen hundred times
I fell but stood right up.

My friend lit up my first cigarette
she told me I didn't know how to smoke
I couldn't inhale the poison into my lungs
no matter how long I tried.

My closest circle was corrupted with alcohol
spawned a couple drinking parties, liquor flowing down our throats like a cascade
and I was getting good at it.

We were driven to manic places
youth was glamorous like a firefly-lit sky
I was always off to the races
and when we got dropped off by Villa Gemini

I doubted for the first time if this was what I wanted.

Not gold hoops with matching wine cups
on white yachts sailing down the Styx
I changed my ways
rubbed myself clean
leaving scars that will remind me
of all the crazy things I've been
and now when I crave something magnificent
I lean forward for a big kiss
Shadowed by a lemon tree
that comes with nothing evil
Caressing the hair of yours and conquering my ego.

I gave a speech about Amelia Earhart last year - and how we both flew over the Atlantic Ocean in the pursuit of our dreams.
I’ve always soared high in the air
feet off the ground
head in the clouds
My mind was everywhere.
I mentioned a dream that defined me and pointed me through the troposphere to LAX.
Cause before I was myself I was a dreamer
reckless, but still anxious about ending up like Icarus or a fool without a flying license
or ending up like Amelia Earhart - disappearing over the churning ocean and hearing a lotta nonsense about what went wrong with me.
Cause I’ll stay with you on the radio over future flights
Saying “Over, baby” just to grasp a little stardust from the sky when it’s lit by stars
cause now you’re my LAX.
And since then I’ve dreamed of Skid Rows and diamonds.
I’ve flown like water and watered their palm trees, a silos.
The transition was clean
no bruises on my soul to keep.
No fear of flying into the blue
Cause when I come out
I land over you.
And I think of false alarms and motels in the desert now that the tan’s come off
I will continue to dream large
having seen dream and life merge
My makeshift wings I will clutch
as I’m running off the edge.

Hum into my ear, love song, hip hop, anything.
Pull me closer, hold me, let go, catch again.
Make me feel like I’m tipsy, make me melt like caramel candy, slow.
Make it like eternity, if there’s no afterlife all we have is now.
Don’t forget how I made you feel.
I remember how you made me feel lovable.
I’d experience it all again before I catch up with Amy and start blowing bubbles, evermore.
Be a fan of anything I do.
Don’t refrain from making me mad.
Be your sweetheart and *****.
You’re so warm but so frozen, I must not let you go or I’ll die.
You’re too like me to let someone else make you happy, I’ll make you happier.

Silk.
Caress.
Bleed.
Conquer and withstand and win.
Brutal.
Ethereal.
Sweet.
Yearn and compete and win.

That rush that runs my veins uneasy feels like lemon in the wound.
Correspondingly it wears me out to an extent a bath can’t fix.
I just want a kiss that feels right, like an arm’s brush over dew.
But instead I’m forlorn in a labyrinth of stars hung from deciduous trees.

Metal.
Burn.
Blossom.
Cry and contemplate and adore.
Monumental.
Skyward.
Impossible.
Dream and capitulate and succeed.

I can’t love anyone or so I think cause I’ve never been happy.
*** isn’t sweet without strings of attachment tied around us.
All I ever attempted was to make myself feel worthy of loving.
And when I catch a ray of stardust I feel out of time to follow it up.

It ain’t perfect, love is so hard but soft and so am I.
It ain’t a walk in the park or a summer beach day but a fall down the well of my heart.
It ain’t easy, love is so ugly and pretty and so am I.
It ain’t anime, I’m not a protagonist of any kind, I don’t get happy endings.

But I tried.

Wrapping my hands around sizzling hot cardboard coffee cups
I wanted someone when my fingers touched
and I thought of how warm his hands would feel and fit in mine like lock and key.
Stirring iced coffee in parking lots with recyclable plastic straws
I wanted someone to lay my head upon
not just at night but waiting for a green light at the crosswalk
in the wind of speeding cars
quietly humming “Life on Mars”
excited to watch the stars
and wrap both hands ‘round his when the coffee cup cools down.

A woman named Grace once said she was afraid to love and the same thing terrified me.
That I didn’t love myself I knew, but the thought if something grew around mine and someone else’s chests made me run and don’t look back.
I was afraid to love.
Scared to unveil my heart.
I was afraid of love.
I was…

I pushed 18 when they started asking, and I kept saying I was looking, but I wasn’t
and that was a white lie for them, but something larger for me.
It’s that I didn’t trust me.
I didn’t wanna change, but felt like I had to, cause when I saw myself I knew I wasn’t meant to hear “I love you”.
It’s one of those things easier said than heard.
I was afraid to try, mind at bedlam, hugging ferns.
Looking for comfort in the trees.
Discovering beautiful things.
I love the overgrown pond outback to name one, but that’s not the notion of it
It made me realize one thing:
Everything’s beautiful in its own peculiar way, and so am I.
I was terrified.
But now I’m like
I’ll give love a try.

A woman named Grace once said she ran from things she feared would **** her.
I was scared of riding horses like her,
let alone deliver my heart to a man.
I was scared but I’m fearless now.
I’m high on oxytocin now.
I was scared to open up like her,
to spread myself open like a book for him.
I was scared but I’m fearless now.
I’m drunk on his memories now.

And maybe it’s a bad thing.
Maybe I’m stupid again.
Or maybe this was destined,
destined to happen to me.
And maybe I was meant to open up.
Maybe I was meant to conquer my fear.
Or maybe I was on the right path,
one where love doesn’t scare me.

I was afraid but I’m not.
I was afraid but now I’m not.
I was afraid of love.
I was…

I’m your boyfriend, not your devotee
This ain’t a cult, this ain’t a church,
Your name’s not written over me.
I love you but you’re not my everything
cause when you’re down I lose the ground under my feet
the sinkholes spread, can’t fill the gaps, can’t but I need
and yeah, I’m falling too.
And who’s meant to save me then?
I need you, but you’re not everything I need
cause when it’s too hard to love you I can’t rest my head to sleep
when I close my eyes you’re the prettiest thing I see
but I love you to feel free
not wait for you to leave me,
cause I can’t commit anymore.
Not to look for a reason to leave you for someone easier to love
and it’s not cause I’m too afraid to start from scratch with a foreign guy.
I’m your boyfriend, not your attorney
I love you but you’re not all I think about.

I remember when I was 16
I was my only God
Burning brightly at both ends
heart still on the mend
vaping cherry in the parking lot
with bff's.

Hurts to think I didn't cherish that enough.
But what can I say other than
I was 16 and I was my only God.

Try to keep it 100.
Try to stay this hot.
Try to get that 1000.
Try to be on top.

I rode a ferris wheel amidst a thunderstorm - I wasn't afraid of anything. I worked a day shift with the streets on fire.
Sunburns didn't matter - I was a **** wildfire.
I miss middle school, just cause I was young and man I was shining, stars scattered wherever I went and people I looked up to applauded me for being the man.
I was 15 and they treated me like a god.

But when the night fell I failed to summon light
I asked for matches but nobody was kind
I went to high school
and I hated my life
But finally I've realized there's more good days left in my life.

I was at peak in 2019
that hot I can't combust
But if I'm in need for matches, I learned to ask God.

I met someone at 18
who showed me a different point of view on life
And I thought to myself
that maybe I need faith
that maybe I can feel that way
again.

Won’t namedrop but I knew someone, if you know you know.
No teardrops but I thought that I found a matching soul.
Foolish of me, ******* love me when I’m in my prime.
Gonna keep them nameless, you ain’t worth of my time.
I’m speaking hella sharp, but I’ve been cutting ******* off.
I’ve been hanging with the stars, looking down at them from above.
You’re either with me or against me, either **** me or respect me, won’t exploit me for your own gain, won’t deliver any more pain.
That’s what I’m saying.
There’s more fakes out there than you know.
Not namedropping any though.

I only keep up with my x’s to see the progress I’ve made.
Wish I’d thought of all the x’s on the list of things I hate.
I was desperate and had nothing, you were greedy and forced-laughing.
One thing I could never respect is stirring thoughts inside my head.
And I get I’m not your type and I get your friends are cooler.
Understand I’m not a nine, don’t rain money at the jeweler.
Don’t follow your buddies’ insta, you ain’t even on my finsta.
Finna unfollow you instantly, you don’t double tap my pics now.
And don’t call if you gon’ cancel, amped me up and why was that?
Then you asking me for Franklins like I owe you anything.
I’ve seen hints and indications, that you weren’t genuine.
I just wish I trusted my gut when you dropped out on me and ghosted.
Right before my prom, should’ve spoke over that graveyard silence.
What the **** was wrong with me to let that go like nothing happened?
Oh, I know.
I had nobody else.
Least I’m not hypocritical, I offed whoever bugged me on.
Killed them with a swoop of success, brought the scissors out, cutoff.
Wonder why I’m so proud now and the answer’s clear as day.
You would too if you evolved from prey to bird of prey.
If you gon talk about me, know I didn’t have to be your frenemy.
Actually scratch that, the act is off, I’ll proudly be your enemy.
You just wanted the gleam and the glory that I had to give.
Just so you know I almost called off a whole affair for it.
See, I’m not a faker, least I admit I wanted you like that.
Many years now, I still hope somebody does you just like that.
I still don’t wish you dead, your downfall’s not what’s in my mind.
I learn from self-inflicted wounds and don’t make that mistake twice.
Won’t namedrop, it applies to more than one.
No-named hoes, I feel my worthiness now.
I lost my Madison card now, pay deserved hostility back, dropped the invisibility act, I did all you said I couldn’t.
Rubbed it in your face like snow, envy’s stinging ***? You blew it.
I could have a boyfriend but I’m good and I will find tranquility in reproving.
Reflecting about them got me irresolute and so I’m calling your BS for improving.

******* want what you have, so I make what I have known.
******* take what you offer, in exchange they give you none.
Real ****, I turn the valve off, whatever we had is gone.
You ain’t getting any of me, not even the low and worst.
Won’t namedrop, but it’s all I’ve ever truly known.
Would namedrop, but that’s against my point.
Won’t call out, can’t win once the die are thrown.
We fell out out of place, cause you pushy like dominoes.
True story, ******* only loved me when I brought them pride by association.
Long story short, only acknowledged me upon receiving shared congratulations.
So I turned my back and ******* scattered disinterested in all directions.
I’d rather look for true bonds than relish false and forced appreciation.
And I ain’t feel the need to hear them say it for finalization.
If I said I hate you for that **** that’d be an exaggeration.
Grudge’s an understatement, I could argue but want no continuation.
One day you’ll perch in the shadow I cast and have your realization.
I heard unforgiveness is unhealthy, but since I found respect for me, I’ve been feeling myself.
You’ve got every right to hate me, sure as **** you won’t exploit me, you’d be playing yourself.
It’s these no-names that reinforced my insecure soul.
You gotta lose something to be grateful for your all.
You gotta have nothing to fearlessly give your all.
And as cliché as it is, every heartbreak makes you flyer.
Every stabbing gives you scars and the scars they give you power.
I take pride in my journey to a menace from a coward.
What I lost was never mine and what is truly mine will find me.
I could wait my whole life for it, nobody’s ***** just to feel happy.

I left my phone in the cabin
went out with nothing.
I took the road never traveled
it was quite something.
I got a favorite tree that leans into the road
and as I caressed its branch wet after a storm
it sprinkled down onto the moss bed made down below.
I couldn’t help but to tread on.
It was soft under my shoes and I sunk in it like quicksand
I wanted to listen to blues and let the moment breathe deeply
what a calamity it was that I had to say goodbye to my favorite tree.
And what a shame I didn’t get to lie down to sleep on the moss.
Someday I’ll do that though.

I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers when he texted me.
The time was a minute forty four on “**** My Kiss”.
He gave me the second best day of my life.
Second after my first night at San Gabriel Blvd.
And also the second cause it didn’t feel unreal.

On and on I’ve hushed my heart and day by day it wept in dark.
My lips felt heavier than metal to raise
to say what my heart wanted
but my head had all the say.
I was listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers and half a day away
to let my heart scream and yell and shout and say whatever the hell it’s been holding in for two decades.
That was the realest I’ve felt in my life.

I was thinking of letting my heart break a little when he texted me.
I was ready to just let myself run it into madness just to feel something.
I knew it would hurt
but pain is better than nothing.
On and on I’ve told myself to shut up and wait for someone to like me
cause I’m not likable when I’m trying
but I did something crazy
at the moment of writing this - 1:55, I don’t even trust the flow of my life anymore
I look for the catch, cause this is better than I’ve ever had.
Or maybe I’m a little lovesickly paranoid.
I hated to hope, hoped it would get better and I hated that though.
I made God a promise, if he gives, I’ll find the better in me and on and on I’ve watched them walk away, watch them vanish like smoke till one prayer away.
I almost tried to find a way
to find somebody to fill the gap - it was either that or I’d crush my numb heart in my hands, just to feel something, even if it was pain.

I’ve never shown a guy I like him until he texted me on minute 1:44
That number must mean something
like the date of the day that my very soul could see a light in that tunnel
and I think it’s divine providence that I walked through a tunnel that night
the night that my heart felt something other than pain and it was more beautiful than beautiful, it was perfect.
As of writing this poem, a day after the second best day of my life,
I don’t know where I’m going.
And I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I’ve never felt this real.
Here’s a note to future self, I don’t know how things will play out.
But I’m glad you …… .. ….
I’m glad you let him into your heart, even if you didn’t know if he wasn’t going to break it in half.
I don’t know yet if he ….. ...
What I know is I …. ….
I showed him that I …. ….
So future self, intact or not
Just know I’m curious to hear it
I hope you’re happier
I’m happy now
I finally opened up
I’m really proud.

I want someone who loves Laurel Canyon like Tori does,
knows who Joni Mitchell is,
and goes for hikes in the summer up Mount Hollywood Drive, little thought of the heat.
Brings me coffee to the nightstand, never goes to the nightclub,
watches sunsets from the pier’s end and adores bleeding hearts.
Like this Max I’ve crushed on for some time, but he’s over the mountains.
I don’t let that get over my head, he’s really cute when he stutters
and the **** he posts gives me butterflies.
But I’m hung up on Juan, I think he’s the one, but he doesn’t yet know about my poems.
Bry David wanted money, Ian wanted something I couldn’t provide.
Something about these guys made me numb to the oceanic continent divide.
Nothing I can specify made me dumb for somebody fraudulently divine.
Patrick is so ******* cute that every time I see him I risk falling in love,
but he’s like a bath in winter.
There was Dan, but I lost interest and there’s someone else.
He’s kinda cute too, but I’m good smelling flowers at Point Dume, reply asap when he texts me.

I’m out the tunnel now,
I want the opposite of what I wanted.
Think I’ll dye my hair brown
just to differ even more from old me.
Smelling bleeding hearts
and it’s very ironic that I’m better off
without him than with him
no one specific.
It’s just if you don’t play with fire you can’t burn yourself.
And I want a boyfriend but I like sleeping alone in my bed.

Only light the room up when you come in.
Spit whatever nonsense you want, say it American.
I’ve no type I think.
Long as he lights the room up, like a firework star.
My first fourth of July was in Los Angeles.
But I’ve only danced with devils wearing halos on their heads.
I need him to light that **** up, sparks ablaze.
I like being lonely and bleeding hearts, but I want to take
someone to Griffith Park at dusk
rate my love song ten stars
**** me ******* off the drive
listen to me rant about my life
buy me coca cola in the night
take a trip down memory lane to 2019 cause I
miss who I was but I love me now
I was so much better, too young to need love.
Not a wasteland replanted yet, but something lush, not too avid, cause that I never was.
Wish you had the pleasure of meeting me then.
Wish I could meet you now, but I don’t know.
I’m still not paranoid.

I don’t gotta go to Sacramento County to say I’ve slept in your embrace
San Francisco’s the farthest I got
and that was enough for me to realize that I love you.

My heart is a Motel 6
and in my hands I hold a keychain
to the room number 13
and to lend I charge no fee

You don’t gotta go God knows where to say you’ve slept in my embrace
just choose me outta other hotels strewn along the 99th hwy
or just stay where you are and I’ll come to you in a song or poem.
Cause love is magical and we’re stuck in that one doorway
leading to sequoias.
Cause there’s plenty of room in my heart - I wish to let you in
and the high and paranoia.

But when you need four walls to guard your heart, I’ve sent you my address
Just hit me up
and I’ll find a room.
Drive up my arms with your fingertips
and go up straight south of Tulare County.

… is who I turn to when the Toyotas and Mercedeses of the city hum too loudly for me to mute by pillow
The clock says 3 a.m.
I left my window open
But this isn’t Primrose Hill and the last man I met didn’t disappoint me.

I’m riding down the highway
Like I did with you my love
Hands together on the freeway
To Los Feliz Boulevard
To Mount Lee Drive and beyond
Night is lit with fireworks
Sun’s sinking behind the coast
I chose you cause I love you the most

I never had
expensive dinners in tuxedos and lavender scented candles
that’s one thing I’ll never have.
I never had
movie theater nights when they play stupid romantics
another thing I’ll never have.

Instead I watched cars riding down overpasses in La La Land’s hills
Bunch of Floridas and one Oklahoma
Two New Mexicos and up to Iowa
And I never realized how big of a dream it was for me to drive
for the rawness on my hips
and your hands up on the wheel.
But I watched cars hustling down the highways in the land of dreams
I saw one from Indiana
Wisconsin and Minnesota
And I thought I won’t die happy ‘till you drive me to those states
for the grin wide on your face
and the heat of your embrace

Highway 110 in Westmond
The palms were beautiful
Finale of aviation
Your eyes were beautiful

LA is where I fly to in my sleep if the tides and moon are benevolent to me
But when I wake up I don’t feel sad
I don’t think how I’m a continent over
I’ll think of how I landed there, it’s your hand I was holding
and tears of joy that were rolling down my face
cause happiness was frothing over me from both ends.

We were driving down to Solvang
Was so hot I cracked a beer
By an open pool in Rosemead
Tryna savor breathing here
And the Hollywood Sign glistened
In the flaring sun’s rays falling
Out of every guy that’s held me
You’re the one I loved the most

Cause down on Vine I watched the stars
None of them as bright as you
Constellations in your green eyes
Make me gravitate to you
We ate at Mel’s where all the stars had
None of them compare to you
And when I ride, I do unfastened
Instead I wrap my arms ‘round you

And so I spent July tearing around LA County’s weaving streets
Out of Yucca Corridor to Alhambra
Rodeo Drive to North Gardena
And I thought that cityscape was where I’ve flown every night
and there I was dreaming my life.
I’ve ridden down the streets that lay beneath Mount Lee
Toluca Lake and Monterey Park
Atlantic Square and Midwick Tract
And all those places and all their faces are what I dream of every night
For the rest of my life

See L.A. why?
For the rest of my time
Laugh instead of cry
For the rest of my life

Hot or gray
I’m dreaming my life away.
I’m in LA
Whether it’s night or day.

Hot or gray
I’m dreaming my life away
I’m dreaming my life away
I’m dreaming my life away
I’m dreaming my life in LA