I’ve been thinking about relationships lately, I think I see it now, I don’t want a brighter light, I want someone equally ****** up, someone who has it worse than I.
Someone all over the place, gullible, no offense, head in New York, but heart left in California, someone who loves what I love, stars-and-stripes-minded.
I don’t do what’s typical of me, I don’t catch feelings easily, I’m changing, I’m running from soft penitentiaries, I don’t admit I’m catching feelings, I don’t want a part two.
Love wronged me once, it was one-sided, I’m bad at holding my horses, running away from them, thinking I’m better off, somewhere off the Golden Coast in a cheap apartment.
Working the tables, someone once said it was possible, he made it, I haven’t yet, I don’t think, I get going to get that plane ticket and take a gamble with my life.
I’ll fall in love eventually, tell him about what I want and if he wants the same thing, then this is the meta of our sufferings, pack his things, wait for him to hit me up.
I’ll be walking by Barnes & Nobles with somebody’s hand in mine one way or another, I won’t be a father, only a disappointment to many but a hero in my eyes.
I’ll find someone whom I’ll love more than America and I’ll find a way to make it work, if we sink we’ll go Jack and Rose style, sinking with the ship.
Insomniac on the stoop or with a cup of cold tea looking at the flashing lights of the city I love, worrying for the man I love, thinking Sylvia by the stove.
But I’ll be the opposite of suicidal, high on ******* oxytocin coursing through my body like fire, that’s one hell of a reason to live, to be someone’s go to person to cry.
I’m channeling Joni Mitchell, I can’t conceal emotions, listen to “Song For Sharon” by a bay in my mind, clutch the wrist of my dream life and pretend I’m alright.
I see blur when I think of the future, I see palm trees through that blur, if you shiver thinking ahead, marry me, we’ll tremble together, naked in the glass room.
I try to be nice and be the light in the tunnel, but I’ve got like one day left, full disclosure, I’m so into you, because we’re not that different, actually quite resemblant.
We’re equally passionate about what drives us, but baby there’s like hundreds other people like us, if you’re not the one, whatever, I’ll be alright either way.
I will always be fine, I think that’s my curse, cause I overthink the simplest things, I refuse to die, I had pericarditis, I thought I was at the end of the line.
But I’m resilient, I’m faithful, I’m not letting go of the core of my heart, but I’m leaving the door open, turning a blind eye, come in with your problems, entry here.
I’ll listen to you cry, I’ll surround you with my arms, give you safety and be all ears, this is what I like in guys, not posing to be strong, I’m standing with open arms.
You have my number, but don’t live rent free in my mind, I got problems, rock and hard place, I’m playing a game you can’t lose or win, I’m stuck, but it’s essential I do this.
I’m out there looking, searching with my head up for someone who’ll call me pretty in my worst times, not tell me to be smart, but be reckless with me.
This ain’t a family thing, but I leave if you don’t make me stay, my heart’s like a river, often goes different ways, I’ll give you everything I have, I can promise that.
I have no heart of steel, but it’s not paper either, I want the **** out of the things I love, I’m possessive and that is my weakness, I can’t have everything I like.
And I want someone just alike, be adventurous, get on a bike and ride to the sunset, won’t drink and drive, I’ll be high on love hormones, wind brushing my blond hair aside.
Yeah I want that, someone who’s not afraid to cry, not be alright, cause I know if I’m ******, I’ll get ****** and it’ll be fine, I wanna be taken care of sometimes.
I want someone who knows what they’re doing, guy with experience and beautiful eyes, cause I’m a lover of beauty, admirer of Mother and Father’s grand creation.
I went on vacation to America, I saw LA, and Vegas and San Francisco, but that was the happiest I’ve felt in my sorry life, I thought afterwards I’d be fine.
Don’t understand why not, I had nothing else to live for or so I thought, I ran like set on fire when I caught glimpse of love in the rear view mirror of the black coach.
I think I want a new thing from life and that is to commit to a thing so impossible but doable and needed but scary, relive it’s what I feared so I ran, but it was a treadmill I ran on.
I’ll find a way to connect with somebody, comparing the bullet wounds of words and deeds done to assassinate our feelings, my thoughts are with me all the time.
I’ll be fine if I try, but tonight I’m alone in my room, no attachment to nobody, kinda loving my body, but I’m not loving my scars and resentment, he maybe’ll help me.
I’ll be good as long as I’m with someone who’ll understand why I can’t call nobody up like I used to, I’m chasing quite different dreams these days.
Who knows me, they get I don’t bend or break, I’ll stand tall beside him like sequoias from King’s Canyon, California, it means a lot to me when I see that in a guy.
I’m waltzing through *******, it washes right off, I’m unphased, not unhinged, not desperate but I’m feeling as though I’ll need someone soon or I’ll cry.
I’m never returning to my ways, I’ll be back in the States, I don’t know when, I don’t know how but I’ll be there, mentally I’m there now, in a Rosemead motel room.
I’m flying to the moon on a spaceship, Major Tom, I’m in space, I’m a goner, I left my telephone, I don’t wanna be contacted or contradicted, I wanna cry.
But not exactly cause I’m sad, cause I’m not, I don’t cry about wasted opportunities or wasting my life, I don’t go to parties, I don’t dance, but I sing lullabies.
I wanna cry because I’m no longer dead inside, I said I wasn’t afraid of anything and that wasn’t a lie, I know what I want, kiss him on his lips, talk about PTSD.
It’s tragically beautiful and beautifully invented, two souls once tormented now fly high like kites torn away from children’s hands on windy days, fly super high.
I’ll be fine when the time is right, I’ll find love, I don’t care if I’m two guys or a million off, cause you learn all your life and trial and error is how you determine your destiny.
I’m not giving up, I’m quite getting started, America I’m coming home, fireworks lit when I land in whichever airport I choose, that’s not important, I’ll be fine.
Poem #3 off “Divine Providence”
My longest poem to date. I wrote all of it in the middle of the night and kept my thoughts raw and unedited. It’s mainly about what I want from a relationship.