i didn’t see it coming
they broke down a barrier
years in the making
as it stands now
nothing would keep me
from pressing the blade
deep into my skin
for once i’d succeed
if ever i freed myself
from this bed

to the author, in the light of day:

this is real.
the pain, the strain,
the loss - sans gain;
so many words
I here congeal,
I swear to you
that this is real

Rewind replay review and freeze:
The only thing common was the disappearance of me
Gone from the moment
Nothing but space
Held breath
Frozen
gulping for time

My mind is everywhere and nowhere
So close to nothingness
It would have
Could have
Ended right there

Tug of war with sleep and sight
I revert to childhood
Refusing submission to heavy lids
My eyes crave colors and light

Aching of loneliness
Hollow as isolation,
Guilty of weakness
Bubbled in distress

I do not want to be calmed.

I want the storm to continue surging in my head,
spilling surf from my eyes while tremors shake my shoulders.

I crave a continuation of this pure energy, more than I’ve experienced in months.

Let me pulse with the fury and despair simultaneously,
allow this tempestuous tantrum to expand infinitely into the night and beyond,
where rosy fingers announce the dreaded dawn.

But all too soon the quaking subsides and the sobs give way to gaping silence,
leaving behind an emptied crater too deep to fill with equally empty consolations.

So the chasm compounds.

The body submits at last to exhaustion,
and the mind is temporarily muted.

I want to suspend
Like stars in a planetarium
Or jellyfish in the ocean
Just be moved by gentle motions or violent starbursts
Never exert energy and never think
Just be
Feeling without thought an ideal
Thought butchers feel
I may drift into sleep
And all will be looming when I wake
Tomorrow
And tomorrow
And tomorrow ever after

Seeking help and telling truths
are only a beginning.
It's much more difficult to be frank
And allow a leap of faith
Here, have my soul and please,
don't share it or tear it?
It's happened before and now
I'm hopelessly helplessly stuck.
****.

I've constructed a highway
Over years and years
I've spent time blazing forward
Not daring to turn back
Mile after mile of groundwork
I've laid my track
and now that I've fallen I turn and I see
I've built no platform to save me from me

In writing the note, you must
explain yourself-
A feat I have yet to accomplish in life;
Express your undying gratitude
towards the few you loved-
Which I can only hope I have done well;
And apologize for shattering the hearts
of the ones who dared love you back.

And quite frankly
I will never be that skillful with
a pen.

I made friends but haven't gotten them, you see
So I'm just alone with me
Until the sun comes back up and duty calls
I make an appearance as the quiet one
Nod my head a few times, crack a pun
I'm there but not really there
Then it all ends and I'm done
I slink back to the dark of my alone
Me and my mind
My mind and me
Forever and always that's how it will be

I've been long removed from myself
Busied by this
Distracted with that
Hoping I've come to terms with myself
I glance into the mirror
And I crumble into 46 pieces
Each one more indistinguishable than the next
I am afraid and alone and afraid
So I am not okay
And it's not okay
But that doesn't change anything
Because I can't be okay
I haven't the time or the energy to spend being anything less than fine
I'm a mess
And not in the I-have-2-huge-papers-due-Monday sort of way
But more like the miserable worthless emptiness is all consuming and I feel too much and none of it is worth feeling
And I'm questioning the little bits that I had chosen to cling to so desperately
I am unsure and confused and terrified
Alone and afraid and alone
It's this vicious cycle of trying to be with people, being with people and feeling like an unnecessary presence, nodding my head dumbly without contributing anything of value to the interaction, then returning to my alone with an even further degraded feeling
I am hurt and it is hard
And I have been told that I am strong
I do not feel strong
I feel very weak and helpless and hopeless and scared. I am a child alone in the darkness shaking from the nightmare that I can't wake from
I try to be strong and supportive
I help other people as much as I can, I try to give and give and give and I am empty but I feel so I keep on giving what I don't have and I'm drained and hollow and I still need to keep giving because what if I stop what if I stop I can't stop giving because then what would happen I would cease to be and that terrifies me I can't stop but I can't continue and I am alone and afraid and I have people that care about me and that makes me feel one million and three percent worse about myself because for whatever reason there are people that give a **** about me and I love them for that but couldn't they just not care at all wouldn't that be easier if no one cared at all????? My feelings do not align with my thoughts. I know one thing and feel all the others. I hurt and I hurt and I feel and it is striking. I want to make beauty out of this muck that I so rarely allow myself to acknowledge. People have made beauty and colors from this emptyness then here I am with my head full of snot and the salt tracks sticky on my face as I'm breathing through my mouth which I hate and I just type nonsense into this meaningless emptiness and I stop. I'm hurting and I hate it. Other people are hurting and I hate it. The world is hurting and I don't understand how everyone doesn't hate it. I say hate too often, it's a word best reserved for Hope. Hope is the ******* that deprives in the same breath with which it revives. I **** its promise of future as surely as it damns me.

Indecision-
It has plagued me for near two decades;
And then, with frivolous concerns.

Which restaurant?
Which color?
What matter?
It doesn't.
It didn't.

And now
Now I am presented with this;
Preserve memory?
Or preserve perseverance?

Many will scoff,
'What use is memory without perseverance?'
Yet what is the point of persevering
Sans memories?

Over the years I've been stripped
Of hopes
Of dreams
Of the very life force that doesn't exist.

Throughout all things,
I've retained my memories.

I am the memories I keep.

My whole being balances for
the songs we sang
the people I've known
the stories I've heard
and the trials I've thrown.

Subtract these and you are left with an emptied carcass
A hollowed branch or
Dry-rotted root;

Others may see their past glory
But the carcass
The branch
The root
Are nothing more that memories

And what are memories
To the memoryless?

There is another option
                                 And it's still quite taboo
                              But it just might help greatly

                                    Perhaps for even you

                     Or perhaps

            You will lose your mind
         At least what lies remaining
All your thoughts and all your dreams
         Could rapidly start draining
    The memories that you've clung to
          At once flung out the door
    But it truly may not matter much
        
      You won't remember any more

24 hours on four chicken nuggets
And an hour of compiled conversation
A roommate's fit in the middle of the street
She's drunk, screaming for chipotle,
A flailing toddler on the asphalt drive.
Then the mother, worn and wondering
Persuades the child to sit still in the car
Strapped into its seatbelt.
The doors lock
Just in case her courage returns

There was a breach in the system
A leak
Of unimaginable magnitude
- for them.
For me it was inevitable
But I wallowed in my denial
Until the seam tore and all of me spilled out
The shade spread rapidly,
Seeping through each minute
And permeating each day
Until the Professionals drew out a truth
My own ****** honesty clad me in chains
They bound me to life in a way
Inflicting the pains and more strain
I was alive
But with nothing to gain.

Storybook skies filled with spinning stars
With a cast of a broken crew
Through lands of fables passing
While all the plots fell through

The friends became the strangers
The memories faded to black
Despite my steadfast resistance
There was no going back

I envy the birds of the wind
Casually coasting above all the chaos and confusion
They are the child's innocence
Paired with their wonder and their wiles

Although once lost, you can still see them
You will never be as you've been

Their feet and feathers leave traces
Of what would and could have been
But no matter the collection you amass
You can never be as you've been

For only once you relinquish control
Unto the waxing stars
Can you succumb to honest peace
And learn to live with your scars

It's the simple things that we rush through most
We use manners and niceities
But forget true gratitude.
Today, the concept of peace is simply overwhelming
Yet overwhelmingly simple.
It is the moment of vague clarity
Or the sudden awareness of a changed sameness.
Peaceful minds are content but hardly ever so.
To be ever relaxed is a mere facade
But reflection is essential
And to love and be loved is a gift.
For without the appreciation of the insignificant
How could anyone find tranquility in the significant?

I forged an armor from my silence
To protect and deflect from the others
But in shielding myself from these
I was walled away from the world

I denied myself much in my silence
And I lost dear friends through my lies
But now opportunities are sliding
To forge relationships that won't die.

I recognize many of my errors
I know that I have been wrong
Yet still I sit here in silence
As the world around me moves on.

If something offends you
Say something
Don't assume it's obvious
Don't stew over it until
You want nothing more to do with me
Just say something
Because not only did I lose you
I lost all of them  
And you're all fine
That's great
But I'm still here    
And I'm not fine
Instead I'm still awake
Imagining how things might have been
If you had only
*Said something

Take the word 'stretch'
And expand it out a bit;
s t r e t c h
Now a bit more;
s  t  r  e  t  c  h
And once more;
s    t    r    e    t    c    h
Look at the characters
How easily familiar figures
Appear foreign

Orpheus had Eurydice
But then he lost her
He defied the odds
He nearly brought her back
But then his doubts won him over
And once again he was alone
He wept
He withered
He died.
As two became one,
So one became two
And when one faltered
The other took a stand
But then Doubt reappeared
And again the two became one
It wept
It withered
So history repeats

Stories told to children,
Deceitful promises of a beautiful future
When the child is introduced to the
Stark disappointment of reality,
What can we expect?

How are you?

"Okay"            What's wrong?

"Good"             Just good?

"Fine"              What happened?

There is never a correct answer.

It wants to give it all away
To tear off the covers
To change up the play
It hints and suggests
I still try my best
Though the cape is slipping
The tattle tail won't ever
Give it a rest

I'm in class.
Every paper flip
Every cough
Sends me further
Recessing into my mind
I hike the Alps
I visit Mars
Time is called.
My mind is lost in space.

So quickly
From pillar to ruins
A single moment
And the world came toppling down
Suffocating smoke
Abundant ashes
The illusion shattered
Then nothing mattered

Help.
Why is that so difficult?
How can four letters freeze my tongue
And quicken my heart?
What about that deserves the power to shut me up and crumble again?
Help.

You aren’t used to me being away from home.
I could say the same about you.
You call and act normal.
There’s nothing normal about change.
You don’t tell me, but it’s apparent.
I know.

Flounder.
Flounder?
I am floundering to write something
Something of worth
A flounder is a fish
And Ariel's best friend
But Flounder isn't a flounder in the movie
Or the television series
What IS he?
Ariel calls him a guppy when he's scared
Or trying to stay locked in his comfort zone
there!
I've abandoned my comfort zone recently
No.
My shell was forcefully removed
In part by my own hand
But mostly not
It was painful
It still is painful
But here I am
And I tied myself into the poem
I did it
Did I?

When the emotions were so frenzied that they spilled out of my mind
And I furiously typed to sort my thoughts
It was cathartic and it showed me I could create something of my own
Yet now I'm left with cobwebs and stress and
I'm alone
You'd think that this is progress, though progress it may be
But after all the chaos now I am left alone with me

Here's a piece of paper with gold embossing.
Go make something of yourself.
Be what you want.
Fulfill your wildest dreams!
But not that.

Dogs are so loyal
So happy and free
Their joy is contagious
Even to me

Since day one, I erased the term "can't".
I did or did not.
There was no can't.
Yet here I am.
I need this
And I can't handle it.

You can hear all the pep talks
You can try something new
But nothing can soothe the crush
Of discovering that your best is not enough

How many times have I come to this Add Poem page, craving release, a freedom from the overwhelming feelings whipping me about? And how many times have I typed line after line, struggling to make sense of something, anything? It seems as soon as I slow my cathartic typing, all of my feelings prove empty and worthless and crudely scrawled. And I watch as I erase my thoughts, character by character until I return to the intimidating blank screen. I piece myself back together as best as I can and I press on, each time losing hold of yet another fragment of my rapidly dwindling perserverance.

Gas? or Gummy worms?
Gas is semi-essential.
Gummy worms are appealing.
Reasoning points to gas.
But between life and death...
Reasoning is nowhere to be seen.

There are no words to describe the loss of family. The moment you wake up and realize that the people you have spent your life with have finally crumbled beneath the pressure. The loss of security and unity and friendship. All anyone can manage is to mask the fracture with a smile. It happens. We aren't anything special. But the weight of acknowledging the shift is frightening and miserable and lonely.

Once upon a time
I was consumed by passion  
It enveloped me entirely
It spread to those around me

Once upon a time
I was a motivating force
I dried eyes and evoked smiles
I made a difference

Once upon a time
Everything changed

Hope is a curse
It is the tourist that always sees the green flash
Yet no matter how often you stare, it is never there

When the glue wears out no amount of tape can ever hold things together the way they once were.  
The love I have been showered with since day one has been nothing more than a facade.
And now it is raining and the frogs are hella loud.

Another day gone
With no sign of relief
Absolutely temporary
But infinite in length
I follow the pattern of the day
But lose myself in the coming of the night
My next new day is still out of sight

I float through memories
Weightless as rocks
I gaze at the darkened skies
Even in the cloudied gloom
I can see the light
I wish on the lonely star
I clench my eyes to conjure my dreams
I return my stare to the skies
The star has moved on.

Drowsy eyes fight their heavy lids
The plant guts cool the pain                
This brings back memories of us as kids
I will never skip sunscreen again

You know that feeling of infinite loss
The sense of suspended reality?
The notion of going unnoticed
Alone, in a crowd?
I dream of that feeling, of not feeling at all
As I prepare for my ultimate fall.

Nothing is wrong with me.
Everything is wrong with me.
My family is healthy.
There is a roof over my head.
I have never wanted anything.
Except, of course, to be dead.

Growing up *****.