Yellowed paper
Scrawling script  
An art form from my childhood  
The riddles and rhymes
Now remind me of times
Of happiness, wonder, and bliss.

She gave me a gift
At the time I missed its significance
A simple silver chain    
Bearing a pressed forget-me-not  
I admired the color      
I gave her a hug
I continued with life.
Forget-me-not.
How appropriate.
Had it been planned?
Coming from the one who purposely delayed my birthday cards to prolong the fun
The woman who wrote me riddles and rhymes to elicit giggles
The one that taught me the fragile gift of life through endless monarch butterflies  
The one that taught me how to properly peel Serian cheese
The one that inspired me and encouraged me and well, I thought, loved me.
So had it been planned?
How could I say no?

My childhood idols have all come and gone
But you I remember like you were a song
No matter how very hard I try
I can't comprehend why you didn't say 'goodbye '
How hard could it have been
To just make ammends
But then you wanted to just be facebook friends                                        
A few hours away yet ten years apart
How could that not hurt your heart?
It damaged mine, as you can see
Don't you ever, EVER almost miss me?
As much as I miss you I just can not say
I love you like I did, back in the day

Never make a promise that you don't intend to keep
Never try to bother me when I'm counting sheep
For you have failed me yet again
So let me dream in peace
Until the day that you can say you truly love your niece

I bit those traitorous lips,
Cursing silently the ****** honesty.
Nervously tracing my fingertips
Along the seams of the faded jean.
Averting my eyes, I try and disguise
My fear as pure disgust.
But try as I might, I can not fight        
The bubbling sense of mistrust.        
                                          
I try to calm my quivering nerves
By breathing slow and sure
But nothing can quench
My shivering rage
I can not find a cure.

My world has spun out of control
And nothing is within my reach.
There is nothing I can do
But allow the law to sweep me away.
                                                  
I tried and failed to my dismay
But to my parents' glee.
And to all the others
That attempted to help me.

The man they paid for me to trust
So rapidly turned away
It's just his job but still I felt
As if I'd been betrayed.

Unwillingly I lift my gaze          
To linger on the wall
Where once, before, I stood            
Quietly alone, but tall.
I feebly resent the way I feel
So overwhelmingly small.

When two siblings broke away
their parents slowly faded    
Reuniting only for two funerals
they split their lands and went their ways    
The children, young and observant,
Watched and saw and learned
The conflict continued a generation later
And fingers pointed to her.  
Her head had slowly lowered
Her hair fell past her eyes
Her smile only served her
As a crude disguise
They scolded her and warned her
if she didn't change her ways
that all of those around her
would slowly turn away
but as the words slipped past their mouths they stuttered in dismay
the little girl they learned to hate
had already gone away.

It gets steadily harder to breathe
And I want to turn and leave
But those that keep me alive
Would be distraught
If I died.

Alone in a world of people
It's easy enough to be.
All you have to do
Is follow after me.
Step back from all the ones you love
And never tell them why.
Avoid contact with all, in fact,
And never say
Goodbye.

Fictional characters
In worlds of their own
Are eager and willing to
Welcome me home
As I reach for a spine    
My own skin tingles          
I can feel our lives
Are ready to mingle        
The delicate pages
Turn gently in hand
In my mind's eye
I can hear the band
The crowds are all rowdy
But brimming with glee
And all, my dear reader,
Are waiting for me.

What do you do
When relationships
Fall through?
When even your
Family wishes you
Would just do
it.
How do I go on
Trudging along                  
Alone in a house
That's no longer a
Home?
Why do I still try
Not to cry
Not to flinch
While all those around me
go on even when I do?          
I used to say
"I matter forever"
Cuz I "matter to me"
But when was that?
What, and
When, and
How, and
Why?

I dressed like you
I spoke like you
I admired you
but then you came home
she was tall
but she was not you
She responded when called
but it could not be true
my sister was caring
And loving
always sharing
But not this girl
this one was
Arrogant
and crude
heartless and rude.
Then my eyes were opened
I saw the truth.
You were no longer the girl
I admired in youth.

Words of encouragement
Are vaguely detected
but language of hope
is viciously deflected.

How miserable humanity is.
How unimpressive our miniscule feats.
How can we possibly proceed to progress,
When our brothers we leave in the streets?

I sit in the dark.
I hear the cricket's lonesome chirp.
I smell the burnt popcorn wafting from my brother's lap.
I hear his sour words of hate
"I hope you die''
On loop until, again, I cry.
Not because of the hateful words.
Not because he meant them.
Not because my mother did not resent them
But just because
I
                Agree.

Surrounded and cornered
My eyes searching wildly
Sweat beads upon my lip
I am trapped.
With nowhere left to run,
I freeze.
Slowly,
a
Smile
Plays
Upon
My
Lips.
My captors are taken aback.
What have we missed?
They question.
Now is their turn to feel frantic.
I drop my shoulders.
I lean against the wall.
I draw myself up taller
Taller
And taller yet.
The grimace widens into a grin.
As I defiantly raise my chin.
They search my empty eyes,
Roving for some unknown punch-line.
Finding none, they tense.
Only I,
and I alone,
Can ever control myself.
Nothing they say
Nothing they do
Nothing they threaten
Can ever turn me
Away from myself.
I am my own person
And that,
That
Terrifies them.
Sensing the shift
They turn and flee.
They flee away from
Me.

All they want is to be there for me
But no matter how I try
All of their good wishes
Only ever make me cry.
I need to be alone I say
I only need a day.
Weeks later they return again
And then they wonder, Why?
They coax and smile their pity grins
Telling me to lift my chin.
Things will get better,
I will move on.
But then again I am already
Gone.

the pulse that used to encourage me
now vainly reminds me I'm here      
i pass off words of encouragement
that simply deflect off my ears      
I'm so far gone that the ones I love
Now only bring me to tears        
How do i continue to wage this war
and fight off all these years?

Lying on my stomach
i feel the blood rush through my veins
No  matter what i do
everything seems to be in vain
I try and try not to cry
but tears erupt nonetheless
how can i live when i want to die
blending in with all the rest

The screen lights up
So does my world
A simple snap
A brief frame
Reminding me
I am still sane
I can do this
I should try that      
It's hard, I say    
You say it's ok    
The picture fades
I wipe my eyes  
It goes away
Part of me dies

I told you I'd had it
I told you I'm through
But you knew exactly
What you should do
You listed off names
Of all those that I love
Now how could I possibly
Try and give up?        
You gave me the strength        
You knew that I had
You made my day
So much less bad
I owe you forever
I want you to know
You're always there for me
When I fall below

The world is an oyster
But it is not mine
I'm only one person
I'm only one mind
I'm only one second
In the concept of time
I really don't matter
It's quite clear to see        
But I matter forever
Since I matter to me

Sit pretty
Smile wide
Even though
You're dead inside
Take a breath
And force them down
All your emotions
Till you drown  
Only then will they all see
How picture perfect I could be

She is my person
When I cry I turn to her
When I want to die I turn to her
She listens and she speaks
Softly, gently, understanding    
When I worsen
She's there for me
She's given me help
She's made me speak
She is strong when I am weak

White walls
White walls
So near to the end
If I struggled a bit more      
I could be free again

Free to run
Free to dance
Not just sitting
In a trance
Staring at all these
White walls.

Smothered in love
Struggling to breathe
All I want
Is for them to leave

They just want to help
Not worsen my life
It's just much more pressure
Which leads to more strife

"Suicide is selfish
Dont be a victim"                    
All a load of
Paradox in a can

Who truly knows    
How it goes?
One day it starts
The feeling only grows

One day I take charge
Only I know
How much to take
To overdose

But remember kids
Suicidals are only
"Selfish victims"
So don't shed a tear
When they are not here

Brave
Courageous
Loved by all
Only after we fall.
In life we are
Fragile
Depressive
Unstable.
Able to change yet
Unwilling to try
Nobody knows until
The day that you die

To die, to sleep, no more.
Ecstasy.
But god forbid
something may come
after death.
Then what?

To be or not to be
Is not the real question.
The real question is,
How do we manage
And why?
Why struggle
When we could all
Sit down and give up
Everything?
What keeps us going?
Why do we persevere?
These are the questions
That permeate my mind

I confided in you
I didn't know you for you
Before you were her
But now I can see                                
You are the person I've wanted to be.

How could I know
The troubles below  
You had been so flamboyant
You were struggling
Just like me.                  
                        
Words of encouragement
Lines of support
When I had lost hope
You were there for me