asked for death, but was given life
how dare that god ignore my plea!
should've never woken up

whatever happened to communication?
i'm trying to speak to you
wanting to get through to you
and what do you do?
ignore me.
that hurts.
maybe it isn't intentional,
and i know i'm overly-emotional,
but don't put me on the sidelines when i speak to you,
not in the middle of a conversation i'm trying to have with you.
when i'm trying to help you, trying to have you...
i just feel so ignored.
i just feel so...
lonely when you don't speak to me.
it's a lack of communication causing separation
and it makes me feel like my life's wasted
when all you do is forget me here.
well... it's all i can do to say i love you
and that i hope you come back, i really do,
and i'm doing all that there is to do
to get you here, to be closer to you.
that's what i'm trying to do
through this lack of communication.

maybe we are meant to meet the wrong people;
maybe we weren’t mean to be.
maybe we’re just satellites;
maybe reality is just made up of me.
maybe i am the lucky one;
maybe my heart is just numb to you.
maybe we’re nothing and my love is hatred.
maybe you'll leave me alone.

don't make the same mistakes i have made,
don't follow in my stupidity and naive behavior!
be stronger than i, because i'd do anything to trade
those memories and my dire need for a savior.
hold yourself together, dear, don't walk my walk.
let your actions follow the direction of this talk.

you will not fall apart, dear child of my love,
even though you feel pain, doesn't make you broken.
no doubt in my mind, you're a miracle from above,
so stay strong! take this poem as my token
of how much i love you- you being apart of me-
you will make it, i promise, it gets better, you'll see.

be the antithesis of the controlled,
the judgemental and the rich-
full of pride with stuck up noses
whose loving souls seemed to have been sold.

find yourself refreshed and renewed,
filled with an unexplainable peace
that flows outward as love, kindness,
for a clean loving spirit should be pursued.

laying in the dark; you hovering above me-
watching, waiting, breathing,
just feeling.
your heat and your touch, electrifying.
craving you.
every breath a shudder;
every touch brings chills.
interlocking tightly together,
tangled and lost in the other.
just loving.

perfect melodies-
strumming, soothing, relaxing-
lull me, give me peace.

the world outside is a treacherous place,
where evil lurks in every race.
doubt threatens to **** the deepest belief,
and the pain of loss comes with no relief.
there is no refuge below or above,
with the exception of the refuge of love.
love is capable of amazing powers;
love with stay with you until late hours.
true love’s flame will never grow cold,
it keeps burning hot even when it grows old.
in the case of two lovers, starcrossed and secret,
they’re, sadly, oppressed and told they can’t keep it.
some don’t know what happens to a covered flame:
the flame becomes hotter, just as lovers grow untame.
but love stays with you through all the struggle;
love with not leave you in the times of trouble;
love makes dull life’s hardships, it numbs the pain;
love doesn’t care what you’ve done, even the insane;
love will not leave you, whether in the dark or the light;
love sticks with you through the day, it’s beside you at night.

do you know the feeling you get when you're hiding,
when you're alone in the darkness of
a closet or
under your bed or
behind a door or
in a bush?
i get that sense- of loneliness, fear, constant held breath-
every time i wake,
every time i see people,
every time i hear whispers,
every time i feel wandering eyes.
i feel like i am searched with every step in the open
for guilt and abnormality
but i am not.
or am i?
i don't know and i want to know
what people think of me.
if they hate me,
if they love me,
why won't they just come out and tell me
the honest to god truth!?
it drives me insane.
and so i'll just keep hiding.

strumming- vibrations and friction-
friction against bare fingers,
callused from the repetitive motion,
creating sounds, gorgeous chords,
notes that speak of joy,
of sorrow, of.. beauty.
all from friction, vibrations,
strumming.

light fixtures hanging down by a single wire,
a single lightbulb adorning the end.
large, gray and brown tiles checkered beneath my feet.
inviting leather arm chairs
caressing inviting cellular people
glued to their books or cellular phones.
warm, minty walls and a cool breeze through the door-
the chill of autumn-
so comforting.

older, disgruntled, bearded men- most likely freelance writers?
and soccer moms in yoga pants coming in for their six dollar lattes.
not to mention the elderly ladies here for coffee and book club...
the college student in a sweatshirt and jeans, fixated on typing-
two espressos in hand.
the baristas- in plaid shirts or floral dresses or striped blouses-
busily taking orders, pressing buttons, pulling levers, calling out coffees.

and me.
sitting in my black cafe chair at my caramel cafe table
with my large, smooth coffee, drowned in cream, and
with my .5 pilot pen in hand, and
with my old notebook before me.
writing the autumn morning away.

beanies, boots, furs, and scarves, paired with soothing sounds of passing cars.
warm mugs of tea on the days dark and dreary- enough to forget the years' scars.
cool mountain air isn't really far, but the journey there's bound to make me weary.

why must you stress me, soceity?
not thin enough,
not hot enough,
not... enough
you force me into a mould,
one my spirit just can't hold,
and expect me to go down quietly.
and, to that, i say NO!
i will not go,
will not let society get the best of me.

let my hair grow long and spirit feel free.
i'd rather die than be kept inside,
let the shackles that bind me down leave me.

but what if i can't pull myself out to see
the life, the love i could have outside?
what if being chained- suffocated- is all i can be?

i refuse to let myself be anything but free.
i'll do it for you and let the pain subside.
lets live a life away from it all.. just you and me.

uncontrollable sniffles-
oh, god in heaven, why me?
coughing, coughing, and coughing some more.
coughing up my lungs!
or, at least, so it feels..
just let me die
or drug me up.
drug me up with the cold medicine.
every four hours.
just **** me now.

i lived my life in black and white,
ignoring the shade of gray in between,
and found it empty; incomplete

hate spitting outward,
pride ****** in,
eating away at the bones,
the bones of the high and mighty

killing my pride,
a hand around it's throat,
loving everything- hating nothing,
peace, happiness,
living in full color

i found life full and overflowing;
acknowledging a sea of color and life,
i live my life with a spirit, freed

i like the way the ink rolls off my pen;
how it flows over the page
to form words that once used my mind as a cage.

the sea is wide open like the countryside;
blue waves replace green grass, and foam, the wildflowers.
the sky remained unchanged, though the wind was relentless,
each swell of deep blue water, a wild ride.
oh! how i craved the ocean air so fine!
the unfenced openness of the seas so free,
these waves that i could sail across forevermore-
there is no stopping me! no stop light nor sign.
maybe i'll stay here on the foamy swells forever
with nothing holding me back or tying me down,
and nothing keeping me from living my life's dream
of finding peace. i'll never go back... unless... you.. no, never!
finding peace- i'll sail the seven seas forever.

let's pack up and runaway,
together things will be okay.
if we feel like we are falling,
we can learn to keep fighting.
holding each other up; staying together,
we can't just give up; always and forever;
when life only seems to be killing,
we can learn to keep on living.

why can i not believe you exist, God?
you've proved yourself time after time after time,
but why?
my faith isn't strong enough,
isn't good enough.
and i can't help but feel that maybe if you existed,
maybe i wouldn't have this hopelessness,
this depression; this sense of worthlessness.

steamy mochas topped with foam,
lattes with caramel, chocolate, and hazelnut.
soaking up the shades of brown-
the walls, skintones, all within doors shut.
i let the scents of coffee beans and tea leaves
fill up my senses- breath drawn in deep-
released like soft wind against the trees.
the fumes, i could take in; this place in which i could fall asleep.

you're haunting my sleep now.
how dare you infiltrate my last sanctuary?
my last escape, next to death,
is gone.
but i cannot die.
because of the words "you are loved".
your ghostly presence is being
murdered in my mind,
and you deserve, you... sadistic... *******...
stop haunting my sleep, NOW...

i can picture it now!
you and me on a porch swing,
or me, the passenger when you're driving
with all the windows down.
lets do that someday,
just go for a drive.
and when the sun sets,
we'll find a quiet spot and blankets
and lower our voices to whispers...
whispers soft as fleece and cotton *****...
sweet nothings? no. sweet somethings.
i'm in love with you and your whispers...

i'm green with envy toward the trees
of a dark, deep, peaceful forest
who grow and blossom and lose their leaves
and lay themselves to rest.
i'm jealous of the wildflowers,
so young and free and infinite,
who sprout and bloom in the midst of June,
as if there's nothing to it.

release me,
release me,
set wild my dreams
and release me.
open up my eyes to see
the adventure right in front of me
and release me.

whipping winds,
warm sunbeams,
everything just as it seems.
hearts full of love,
working through fear,
you with me, my dear.

i really love looking at you
and never get tired of it...
probably never will,
even on the bad days.
i just really, really,
love looking at you.
you're my paradise.

one day i packed my bags and ran
for the mountains tall and lovely
fo escape all the pain i can
and to see the world pass slowly

the suitcases backed full behind
my lover and i never looked back
as we drove a long tiring ride
hand in hand, no one could track

and so we drove out into the world
to experience what we didn’t know
we kept holding on when things got cold
arm in arm, through the snow

i don’t want new york or manhattan
run past chicago to my passion
let me live in the gorgeous mountains
let me have those perfect mountains

a feeling so uncontrollable..
i feel so incredibly in love,
so incredibly infatuated,
so masterfully swept away..

define, for me, truth
of the absolute variety,
and then maybe
i will reconsider
my moral standings.
BUT.
(in the meantime)
do not speak on
what you do not know.
open your mind!
to let new ideas flood it
like a house in a valley
after a torrential downpour.
you say "you won't get far
with THAT attitude"-
and to that i say
"WATCH ME."
i'll be flying a mile high
while you watch from below;
eyes wide with shock,
jaw open on the ***** ground.
tell me,
how does that taste?

somehow i find solace in my closet.
in the sweaters, shirts, and shoes.
its odd, really, how one could love
the objects which cover the body
and not the people which
cover ones soul.

why did
a high school senior,
MY FRIEND,
get diagnosed with
stage four
bone cancer
that's spreading
to his lungs?
tell me the answer
and i'll tell you
it's ridiculous
and unfair
and difficult
to comprehend.
leave me alone
while i sulk
and prepare
to lose him:
my old debate partner,
my old friend.
why is the question
without answer.

of the greater and less lights, i prefer the lesser
for it masks my flaws and gives me comfort.
how? don't ask me- could be my wiring,
i'm merely a guesser.
the night somehow soothes me
like warm water over cold skin
or a hushed lullaby to a crying infant-
allow the dark to calm me.
sleep- irresistible- consumes me.
rest- so peaceful- heals me.

i really want to live in the mountains,
where its cold year-round and
where there is snow.
i want to wear sweaters in june
and blue jeans in july
and feel mountain air run across my skin.
to feel the spirits in the mountains flow
as the seasons come and the seasons go.
where its cold year-round and
where there is snow.
a beautiful life in the mountains.

release me, you son of the earth and of the sins and the guilt of my past.
i can't bear to speak or to look at you.
and i'm no longer stuck on you.
all i wanted was for you to come to me.
all i wanted was for you to love me like i loved you once.
once.
but no more.
there is still a twinge of a spark in my soul,
but you're already quick to put it out.

in the dark my value haunts me.
"you're a worthless failure",
"you're never going to amount to much"-
those words attack on repeat
and are only calmed by a lover's touch.
but why don't you drive your daggers deeper
and reduce me down to a thoughtless weeper
who feels nothing but despair and deep, deep anger?
all from words from the one i call "father".
don't you see what you're doing?
don't keep coming for me, don't keep pursuing
me as your daughter! i know why i'm running
away from all the pain that you're causing.
don't try to repair it,
your damage is done,
and i'm gone...

there was nothing but empty space
and a hole in my heart
larger than my heart, itself.

there was nothing but deep shadows
and an abyss in my soul
consuming everything nearby.

there was something.. but what to call it?
a spark over lighter fluid
lighting a flame i could never suppress.

I

there is darkness, and i am trapped within it;
i am in shadows, bound, and cannot escape it,
although i wish i could forsake it.
my pain, my guilt, my shame
all bind me down and shackle me
to the walls of my lonely sinner's heart-
my cave.
although i wish i could forsake it,
i am in shadows, bound- a slave!
and i cannot escape it.
there is darkness, and i am trapped within it.

II

take the chains from my hands and feet;
take the agony and darkness of my sin
and let me crawl out of my cave-
the cave of my past and of my transgressions...
i must escape and hold onto hope,
i must run out of my prison
and find strength in the burning pain of sunlight.
in these broken chains, my heart will be set free.

III**

do what you want to me!
nothing you can do or say can make me move,
move back into the bindings of my guilt and shame;
those feelings i know too well.
i will live my life in the light,
no matter how burning bright,
i'll hold on in the darkest night!
i will live my life as it's meant to be.

words cannot adequately describe my love
for everything about you.
to auscultate your words, to draw you in-
i would consign all i had to.
disregarding and forsaking everything
is an easy thing to do
for you.

i don't want your traditions
to tell me what i cannot do.
i can make my own decisions;
if you love me, you'll trust me, too.
i don't want your religion
to keep me from what i feel's true.
what a terrible affliction,
to be blinded by virtue.

i've gambled away my heart one too many times.
i've trusted the waves of chance one too many times.
i've tried to right my wrongs one too many times.
oh, i've tried to live a perfect life one too many times.

oh, how i've tried, tried to be accepted.
but instead, my effort, you've rejected.
i don't even know why, oh why,
i even tried one too many times.

one too many times, oh,
one too many times.
one too many times.

why do you try to stay hidden from view?
why hold onto the pain, old and new?
let it go, let the breath release;
forgive and forget, time will renew.

let color replace the shades of grey,
let life be lived, not thrown away.
sixteen years wasted- gone..
release.. release.. release!

breathe the new air, let it fill-
fill my lungs! so that i will
live again. live life as it's meant
to be. full of joy sadness can't ****.

is it so much to ask for the cold to come?
the chill, the freeze, the long nights..
long nights with pleasant company,
blanket's warmth and tea in hand,
winter winds howling through forested land.
shivers, untameable, shake me.
your warmth awakes me.
we can hold each other
through winter winds.

one day i felt lost in silence,
unknowing of the good of the world;
i pushed everything away,
lost all control,
and stayed hidden in the dark.
i feel like i'm falling apart.

i let you come in, expecting a visit,
didn't know you'd want to stay.
but the distance between us,
it jabbed at my heart,
wasn't long before i knew
i wouldn't be falling apart.

who knew i'd fall in love
with you and everything about you?
who knew i'd have a happy ending
with you?
feels like i'm falling for you.
i won't let this fall apart.

stronger winter winds force themselves past me,
past my bare, cold shoulders.
i try to ignore it, but fail to see-
see that it's slowly killing me-
the cold that's not only there physically,
but also the cold inside of me.
that cold which numbs me to all feeling,
which makes me want to stay sleeping,
which also makes me want to begin waking.
and i want you to wake me- warm me.
the touch of your fingertips against me- hold me,
hold me against you, revive me;
let my lips rest on yours, rectify me.
protect me from the winter winds,
the winds that force themselves into me.
i've tried to ignore it but now i see,
see that it's slowly killing me,
but you breathe and diffuse
new life and love and peace
and joy into me.

a traveler's life is what i require-
its all i want, all that i desire.
just open roads to drive across-
these things will quench my heart's fine.

i want to see the mountains, tall,
and the colors of the trees as seasons turn to fall
not to mention the far-reaching ocean shores-
all those places do, to me, call.

now wait a moment while i pack
and throw all my valuables in a sack
and beg you to come with me
to follow my dreams across every road or train track.

why is love a dagger in the heart?
it stabs, then twists, tearing it apart.
it causes pain as a practiced art.

the anguish inside makes me cry out.
i sit and sob; i don’t merely pout.
betrayal holds me down, no way out.

now the slightest touch fills me with fear,
whispers of doubt and despair fill my ear.
no one will love you is all i can hear.

jade green eyes staring back at me-
back into mine, like a dreary, blue-gray sky.
i could get lost in this; lost in you.
next to you, i could, forever, lie.
you consume my thoughts night after night,
and i let my mind wander when i close my eyes.

why am i bound here?
why am i gagged here?
hard to breathe, hard to gasp.
suffocating. smothered.

the edge is near, my toes hang off the side;
one sudden movement will cause me to slide
to the bottom of the canyon i stand before now.

but i want to fall hard onto the ground
because then maybe the gross cracking sound
will wake me up to see the good in me.

standing at the doorway of common death
i realize the precious value of each breath
and how much it all really means.

i am becoming self aware of
my idiosyncrasies and of
the repetitive topics i write on and of
how when i can't think of
anything, i just write of
love, depression, winter, and of
how stressed and oppressed i feel.

what is with the obsessions
with worldly possessions
and
      the
needless greed of the rich
that chokes out the wantless poor?
why
        don't
  we
       all
just
       get
             along?

with eyes closed, i imagine a deep, dark forest...
with eyes closed, i picture dew on the leaves and
                             pine needles- the rocks, the ground.
with eyes closed, i can hear a creek whose water is
                             running, flowing, curving downstream.
with eyes closed, i feel so... empty...
with eyes closed, i try to imagine you.