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Starlight blind mine eyes this night
let me not perceive the emptiness of days
morning pray hold back your dawning
to light the place my love no longer lays

Soft breeze if thou would but please
deaden my ears to the silence all around
gentle rain come once more disguise my pain
and wash away the memories yet bound

Fitful dreams replaced by nightmares evil screams
dumb now my impotent tongue
let me be oh unrelenting misery
and let at last my heartstrings be unstrung
For my "Big Brother".*
Love Always, *****.

You said it was adorable
The way my hair curled
around the hollows of my neck
Brushing across my skin
like a
n o o s e

You said my looks could shatter glass,
that my repugnant features
would SURELY guarantee a life of solitude
You loved to point out my flaws
And how my laugh was too late
breathing too loud
walking too fast

The shallow scars on my wrists
were alluring to you
you encouraged me to make more
and I loved the kiss of cold metal just a little too much
and
you
loved
that
I
loved
it.

You said you understood me
my thoughts were dark and scattered
I wasn't always able to share them with you
But I didn't need to
you already
"u n d e r s t o o d"

my dark companion
the only one I ever trusted
We fought our demons together
Dragging the other to hell as well

You wasted no time in telling me
what a waste I was
of skin
of space
and I wasted no time in  b e l i e v i n g  you

You would hold me in your arms
and whisper bittersweet nothings
compliments with a hard slap attached
convincing me I was far more flawed than I am.

We fought like rabid wolves
growling,
hissing,
howling,
circling,
nipping at my ankles,
you'd force me to f a l l.

tearing and ripping apart flesh
with words
and my feeble palms
left angry red marks on your chest and face
but my struggle only made you more eager

Every tear that fell from my face
gave you life
every sob that came from my throat
gave you a voice
you could not stand alone
you said
y o u  c o u l d   n o t   l i v e   w i t h o u t   m e

You said I didn't understand you
that I could never comprehend the torment YOU
were experiencing
I was FAR too dull to see.

It wasn't until I realized
I didn't need to play your childish games
I didn't need you
or your "passionate, intense" heart.

Once I stopped hitting back
your blows became harder

Not worthy of love.

Not worthy of life.

Not worthy of existence.

And I believed you.
I trusted you.

E n d   i t,
you said.
Peering down at the street far below us

You said to.

The height was dizzying

Y o u   s a i d
"Jump."
Note: I'm still alive and healthy, and I'm a lot more happy than I was at the time this writing takes place. The person that inspired this is someone I am no longer in contact with, this poem is my way of letting go and moving on. Thank you all so much for your kind words and support!
 May 2013 Angelique Paolucci
Bex
Insomnia, my greatest enemy, dearest friend has come along to visit again.
She appears at my bedside each night and waits beside me as the darkness encroaches.
My comforter is thick and warm, inviting toward her, she comes next to me, I can feel her above me, whisking the tired feelings away.
She slips into the corners of my mind and takes my body for a ride, just lying there for endless hours, waiting for a sign of sun.
I am sweating but the dark is far too cold to relieve the covers of their duty.
The darkness is thick and cold and chills my bones to the core as I stand up.  
I have become far too restless just lying and I need to move, Insomnia what is your purpose?
Three am showers have become a habit, almost like a ritual as I take the walk down the hall trying hard not to make a sound.    
The door creeks as I open it, my feet freezing on the tile floors as I step inside.
I strip my sweaty thermal off my back, a difficult task because it had begun to stick to my skin.
I turn the water to the highest temperature, even that won’t be hot enough to escape the dark chill in my bones.
As I wait for the water to become satisfactory I count tiles like I have so many nights before.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28…
Tonight’s magic number, the water has become slightly shy of scalding and I step in and just feel.
Sensations over run my body, rigid from the sudden change in atmosphere
Relaxed because the heat feels good
I give in and take a seat on the warm, stark white surface
It feels good to just sit in the haze of vapor
Insomnia loosens her grip as the water makes me number than I was before
The water goes cold; I suppose I have sat too long pondering my woes and worries
So I stand which is quite the task, the same each night
I turn off the water absorbing the last of the heat and savoring each second
I step out and go through the motions of drying myself
Begin at my hair and work toward my toes
I put on sweatpants and a new t-shirt
I brush my hair
The door creeks open once more and I return to my room
My bed welcomes me and insomnia has left my bedside, finally tiring from fighting my body, off to infect another I suppose
Good night, until tomorrow my dear friend, great enemy.
I’m scared.
Cold, alone......... scared.
My body aches from fighting.
I won, but at what cost?
Revenge shouldn’t be the answer.
They took her life, my true love.
I’m crying, crying like I’ve never cried before.
A life for a life, but at what cost?
I became the person, I set out to destroy.
I’m a monster, a creation the devil himself devised.
I’m scared.
I’m alone, cold, and nothing to cling on to.
I have nothing........ nothing.
There’s only one thing for me to do.
I’m picking up my choice of death.
Goodbye monster.
You’ve done the most evil thing imaginable.
It’s time for you to go.
I’m taking you with me, back to where you came from.
Forgive me Father, for what I’m about to do.
I’ll see you in a few seconds.
Five....... My heart is beating fast.
Four........ Sweat is covering my face.
Three........ My heart is beating faster.
Two........ Hello love, good to see you again.



One........ Goodbye.

“BANG!!!!!”
I wrote this poem for class awhile ago. Sure I had to go to a dark place to write this, but I don't feel depressed or anything.
You're a beautiful mystery clad in gorgeous enigma.
You're poetry that looks good in a skirt.

There's an orchestra on your tongue, playing the sound of your voice like a melody I can't forget,
matching the tempo of the drums in my heart
and the broken strings of my violin compliments.

You are a notebook, a yearbook, a sketchbook, a burn book,
every facet of you written in swirling cursive,
rhymes and famous signatures snaking between cinnamon hair and cleverness.

You are a pen running out of ink,
bleeding dry in Barnes and  Noble Moleskin journals,
but that's okay because I have more ink,
and you can borrow whatever you want from me--
store it in the heart you stole if you're bored enough to hunt my words for the pieces.
You have the key already.

You're the first dream of the boy too scared of nightmares to sleep again.

You are the taste of honey and cigarettes on the lips of the first girl that boy ever kissed,
because she was a rebel and he needed a hero
who wore boots instead of Mary-Janes
and band t-shirts instead of blouses.

You are the rose he drew when he was bored,
an outline with potential,
mysterious, entrancing, incomplete,
not yet ablaze with the red of desire
because he was never good at finishing things.
You are a dictionary. Your picture isn't just under "beautiful."
It's under "dangerous" and "witty" and "myth"
because Medusa bowed at your feet next to James Bond and Edgar Allan Poe,
and you're too good to be true anyways.

You are a poem, a telltale heart beating inside a lesson in vengeance,
temporary only because nothing gold can stay.
You've walked past where the sidewalk ends (certainly the road less traveled by)
and come back far more darling than any buds of May.

(You are the paperback novel he read under the covers,
the flashlight only bright enough to show paragraphs,
and every new page unique in shape and form
while the text remains the same.

You are the raw words read aloud by the daring poet,
standing beneath midnight moon,
the power of the throne,
the breath of a whispered promise falling upon the ear,
the warmth of kisses on the cheek,
the passion of all hope there ever was in trust and truth.

You are the fire in lightning,
the sparkle in the snow and the glitter in the rain,
the fierceness of the wind and the gentle, soothing peace,
the blazing chill of winter and the roar of summer's heat.)

But you're still a mystery.
A beautiful,
beautiful
mystery.
1) If you change every ten minutes, that is okay. You do not have to be the same person every day in order to be real. You also do not have to continue spending time with anyone just because you are used to them. If they are not good to you, you can leave at any moment.
2) Gender is a jail cell. You do not have to wear the shackles if you do not want to. Be yourself. Do not be a slave to stereotypes, roles & limits. What you have in your pants should not make you more or less of anything you want to be.
3) Love is free and you can take as much of it as you want. The amount of *** a person has does not make them inferior or superior. No one has the right to tell you that the way you are dressed is inappropriate. You can wear anything you want to. Society's fear of the human body is ******* nonsense.
4) Do not let anyone convince you that your feelings are not acceptable. Nothing you feel is a flaw. Depression is not a weakness. Happiness is not selfish. You do not have to be moved in the same way or have the same outlook as anyone else. You are not insane for having emotions and you should not have to hide them.
5) Be kind but stick up for yourself. You have a voice for a reason. You do not need to play dead when you are being hurt or feeling offended. Speak up. It is okay to dislike what is happening around you.
6) Addiction is painful and very real. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty or unworthy of help. Do not listen to anyone who says they do not feel sorry for you. Yes, you have the power to stop it but you still deserve support and sympathy whether you caused it or not. And not all addictions are chemical...
7) Your scars do not mean you are thirsty for attention. Self-harm is a real issue. Do not question your own feelings because of what anyone tells you your motives were. You know yourself better than anyone else. If you are willing to hurt yourself, something is very wrong. Get help. You deserve recovery.
8) Just because you are an artist does not mean you cannot fix your problems. Getting better will not make your work less powerful. Pain is not the only way to create beauty. Safety is more important and security can be gorgeous, too. You can be dynamic and okay inside at the same time. Plus, your memories will always be your's to talk about and look at even when happiness is reached.
9) You do not have to follow the structure and time line of life that has been mapped out for you since day one. You do not have to graduate high school. You do not have to go to college or be in the military. You do not have to get married. You do not have to have children. You do, however, have to do whatever it takes to survive and be happy. You should do whatever the **** feels right to you.
10) You do not have to believe in a god or be part of a church to have faith. You can believe in yourself instead. The idea of karma should not be the deciding factor in all of your decisions. You should have the capacity to reason all on your own. You do not have to believe in your government or love your country. Seeing the flaws in the fabric does not mean you do not deserve to live here. The Earth is your's. It is man who draws the borders and makes the laws and you are just as significant and worthy as the people who are in charge. Act like it.
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