nobody could see me
trying to **** myself.
but i could.
every night i saw it.
i saw the various ways to
slit my throat, my wrist,
to tie a knot, maybe with a bow?
and kick my moms nice chair away?
maybe by drowning,
or jumping from a tall building?
so many ways... so many.
i still see those ways.
i still want to cut.
actually, ive craved the blade
for a few weeks now.
and yet, i havent made a single mark
up and down my arm.

whats stopping me?
i'll be honest: when i go back to school
i want to be able to show my teacher that
it'll be a whole month since ive cut.
thats a long time (for me) and i
really want to keep going.

i can save myself.
i know i can...
right?

you hurled my blouse
over my head
and my *******
ballooned out in front
of your lips.
your kisses were small fires
that burned beneath my skin
and my eyes rolled back in my head-
seeing instead with
hands.

Let me tell you a story
Of a girl not many people knew.
Come, sit down, and listen.
I wouldn't want you to miss this.
Once upon a time,
Because that's how all great stories go,
There was a girl.
Just like you and just like me.
She wasn't a glimmering jewel,
But more like a diamond in the rough.
She was quite and didn't dare to speak a word.
All she ever seem to do was hide
Behind her dark curtain of hair
Where no one else could see her.
No one ever really understood her,
But no one ever got to know her
She was more than just that though.
Not that anyone would ever know
Because then came along the whispers.
Everywhere she walked she could hear them.
She did her best to block them out.
Though, that didn't always work.
After the whispers came the insults.
They were thrown around on a daily basis.
Sometimes they left her speechless.
Sometimes they made her sad.
Sometimes she didn't know
What they made her feel.
She tried, tried, and tried to change herself,
But that just made her tired.
She decided just to put up a wall.
Years after the whispers first started,
She felt herself growing weary.
Tired of trying, and tired of crying.
It seemed like she didn't have the answers to anything.
Her parents started noticing her behavior,
But they didn't know what to do.
How could they know what everyday was like?
Then came the next dreadful day,
The insults, whispers, and stares included
Were harsher compared to the days before.
She walked home alone in the rain that day.
Her cheeks were stained with her tears,
But the tears never did stop ending.
When she got home, she was welcomed with silence
No one was there for her to talk to.
No one was ever there for her to talk to.
She went to her room and made sure the door was locked.
Her decision was made, she was ready to go.
It only took a minute to meet her sweet, dark abyss.
The day after no whispers were found.
Silence was everywhere that day
In the halls, the classroom, and the buses.
Every student was filled with guilt,
Especially when looking at her heart-broken parents.
They didn't think she would go this far.
Moral of the story, since there always is one,
Be kind to all those who you are surrounded by
Because you'll never know who the whispers will go after next.
For all you know it could be you.
And you too will be gone before your time.

You can't go anywhere else in this world

You need to be a dreamer who walks in reality

To know that dreaming alone

Won't walk you in reality

What you need is to

Walk your dream along

And falls in eternity, to know that going around

In life, is nothing about easy or difficult

Its about the process of every minimal details

Remember the suffering you will face

And remember the strength

You will be given to face the suffering

Who knows, you will be able to experience

Blessings in suffering

And find your joy in the process of living

And finally it is to realize "life is about knowing what to suffer for"

Also, dreamers don't stop dreaming, reality is about doing

Do what you dream and dream what you do
This is reality

I really loved him.
Not in a teenage way,
in a real way.

He was in so many big parts of my life:
Prom.
Graduation.
College.
Everything.

It's so hard to let a person go that's been through everything with you.

That night at Braums,
I was so sure of everything.
I felt that magnetic pull towards you.
That's him, that's the one
I'm gonna marry that boy

It's still a shock I guess,
and it's hard to put on a smile.
I guess when someone has been in your life for that long,
it gets even harder for you to let them go.

I feel in my heart that it isn't over,
but in reality I can't explain.

You were such a big part of my life,
and still are and will be,
there's no denying or pretending that.
You changed everything.

And it's crazy to even say or think this,
I know,
but if you ever came back,
I'd say yes in a moment's flash.

I stare at that ring you gave me,
I realize now more than I ever did how beautiful it is.
It sits on my nightstand,
twinkling.
It is hard for me to hold it,
or even look at it.
But I still do.
I put it on my ring finger,  
but then I take it off again.
I don't know if it's too painful,
or I'm just too hopeful.

It sits on my hand,
and I wait.

*Love is a big word