last night i had a little sook
cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried
and suddenly all i could see were knives and sharp scissors
i scratched my wrists and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried
and put myself to bed
now he's threatening to leave me
because i had a little sook

Some days I want to **** myself
slash my wrists and fade away
because there's nothing i can do myself
not a ******* thing

I ask
I get
then
I regret

Ignorance is bliss
I thought that I was okay at this
Turns out I'm ****
at everything

I love how relationships are mostly

making plans
but falling asleep cuddling instead

asking
have you watched this movie?
ten thousand times

learning
and teaching some things too

waking up
and not even being mad that it's the middle of the night
because
it's another chance to fall asleep in his arms

How do you still love me
Whinging, complaining, crying, clingy
I peed my pants and I peed in the bed
And still you kiss my lips and scratch my head
and love me
You love me even when I'm sick
Ugly, blotchy, sleepy, grumpy
You make me food and tuck me in
Cuddle me until I fell asleep again
And love me

I feel so lucky when I look at you
But I feel even luckier when you look at me
And I know
For certain
That you love me

<3 xoxo

8.
I was so busy doing nothing today
Waiting for life to be over
Waiting for time to pass
Waiting for lunchtime
Waiting for 2.30pm
I went to my sisters baptism
She spoke to the congregation
About her conviction
I cried
A lot
I'm glad she's going to heaven
But worried I'm not.

Day 9.
Back to work
Had nothing to do
So I offloaded to the other side of the world
Big mistake
Everything went to ****
I broke down
crying
again
And now all my energy
and enthusiasm
is
gone
I dont want to do this
Or that
or anything
I just want to do what I want to do
I'm so sick of people telling me what to do
Oh I KNOW it's because they love me
And it's for my own good
But that doesn't stop it
FROM ANNOYING TF OUTTA ME
whinge
complain
sigh
****
Welp
Anyway
Whatevs
Do you laugh in glee
At how easy it is to manipulate me
The "disappointment" card
The "headache" card
The "wasting time" card
Guarantee success
I'll do it
P.S. I love you
PPS. I'm sorry

10.
BUSY BUSY BUSY
And just as well...
Breakfast with sister
She asked how many trips it'd take to get my stuff outta her house
I asked why
She said 'in case i should help'
But
Then the truth came out
She wants me to give back the key
*** for tat?
She's angry
I wont tell her where I'm going
I'm being "foul"
Kinda wrecked my day
But breakfast was good
And I was busy busy busy
Went to work and talked to Iris
She likes my trousers :)
Worked for five hours......... plus
Collated my crap
Went to the shop for some things
Australian things
Mum called
Asked if I was coming home for dinner
Wish I could have said no
I miss having dinner with my man.

11
I forgot my washing dang it
So much to do
Note: My boyfriend is freaking awesome
Feeling a lot calmer about DVT
Mark helped me a lot today
It's starting to sink in
Today is probably the last day I'll spend with him
Tonight was the last time I'll have dinner with the family
Tonight is the last night I'll be sleeping at home
my comfy bed
my big spacious room
my lack of awkwardness at opening up the fridge and cupboards and staring inside
I'm going to really miss the old life
lots of emotions
lots of scared
looking forward to what the future holds though.

This is the last verse/post for a while... leaving for Europe tomorrow... the next 21 days will be just me staring at European things and counting down the days til I see my love again

I LOVE YOU!

I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU AGAIN SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXOXO