I must shower, I must dress.
I am lost amongst the ashes I sift.
Burnt remains of pieces of a life, that's what I've held secured in a box.
A box with a faulty clasp, so I must hold on to keep it shut.
If I set it down it may meet it's demise
Then all I would have left is my disguise.
The face that says everything's fine, nothing's wrong.
Nothing to see here, just move along.
But nothing is right here, it's all so far away
I might be wrong.
Who sees to help me, show me along?
All the illusions I see and believe,
Their temporary comfort will make me grieve.
All is useless and crumbles away.
Don't let your spirit decay.

The crash test dummy-
Eternal, immortal mockery
if a mummy-
The poster child for " Don't Do This "
an unnatural being that makes no sense to be,
all the lessons learned a little too late.
like a fourth little piggy, with dandelion spindrils, hoping to build my house.
Like a lion dressed like Mickey Mouse-

I'm so old, but I'm too immature to see, the mockery of life being played upon me.
Run! Run! Run as fast as you can, and the hockey stick is set forth upon my path-
Wreck, Scramble, Brush myself off, while all the Decents
point and scoff.

My eyes have turned away, looking down
Deep into the ground.
Staring blankly forward, or up into the sky.
Eyes turnaway.
These eyes that dont want to cry.
My ears have closed
to block out the sound of the seemingly endless verbal assault.
What have i done?
Am i at fault?
Careless words lead the insecure to suspect us all.
I should have kept the wall up.
Now it will crumble and fall

It seems to me
just as it seems to be-
My Life will not entertain Harmony.
...not by choice...
I'm  oblivious to quarrels.
I'm  incompetent to debate.
Bound in Fate.
...my Unheard Voice...

Fated to be Alone.
Not Lonely.
Only Aware that I am the one and only One that will pick myself up, after Your Day in My Sun.

This Life of mine keeps struggling, I must once again lose,
Because I've  refused to accept,
this Life that I choose.
I Choose to be partnered, but I Am Not.
Again.Alas.
I'm  Abandoned as I.  Have abandoned this Love that you ******* Crushed.
I will stand where I Am, until I wander away...
...not finding the voice for what i must say.
I will regret not the partig.
...the Parting Out of my Life...
...like an old truckto be dismantled and sold as a salvage.
Lost.

I am unpaired in this Bond,
Bound in Fate

I feel UnKnown/UnLoved/UnOwned
I feel Behind/Bereaved/BeLow
I feel UnProvoked/UnAcknowledged/UnBestowed
I feel UnFree/UnTetheredUnSeemed/UnSewn
I feel that No One I know
knows what I mean
feels what I know
UnFelt/ UnDealt/Left out
Left aside myself

I so dislike passive aggressive  types-
I much prefer the real ones that get embarrassed  & ashamed of their own behaviors.
The sociopath,  the aggressively passive aggressive-
The one and the same.
Reuse their responsibility,  are never to blame.

Makes me sicker

Good bye, and I'm sorry that it all ended up this way-
so saddened, so sorry that everything is this way-
you are the one-the one i had hoped would love me forever, and let me love you back-
but You- You are No One- You are Every One to Me - You are No One-
you are Every Thing to Me- You- You are No One-
left for me to love- you are no one- no one to me-
You're all i have- had- wanted and lost-
You and I are No Ones who pay the cost-
the cost of mistakes, one after the next-
without ever healing, life's scars on the soul-
So, good bye and I'm sorry=my heart you stole-
but i imagined it all- didn't i-turned you into a being-
I flooded You with my love- without ever seeing-
that I am No One without you-No On to Love-
I should have figured it out-
I Am No One-
No One to love-
I Am No One To Love

I don't know where my head's at I don't have a clear free line all I know is that I'm coming up from behind I got to get back in the race the one I did **** from when I wandered away I've been lost and distracted all these years I'm not much more to say but even though I'm not awake yet I know I am alive as I'm jumping in feet first I will plunge but not dive avoiding unneeded injuries I'll commit to a plan to stand undivided without a man

I shun you not,
You shun me twice.
My life for your life,
Is becoming more A sacrifice.

You greet me not.
I greet you twice.
I'm the one who's exiled, beguiled,
Into forfeiting the price.

Become that which you want,
I imagine whats gifts I  could bestow,
Yet not even bribery can entice me to your soul.

I've noted you, AR.
In your eyes Ive always seen a star.
Ablaze with anger, shining with beauty,
I can see them shining even from afar.

Little one grown so big,
I pray you are well, and blessed, and loved and happy,
I love you still,
I wonder who and how you are.

I saw a man in passing
but he was already gone
he flew from far
struck by a car
deceased just past our lawn.
I am saddened still, few days have past
none of us know which breath we breathe last.
Staring aloof, perfect and warm,
the only proof from the loudest thud
was under his head; the pool of blood.
I prayed three times before I rose
I never wanted to see
a human dying or suffering
but i must see if he needs me.
onlookers gawking, chatting about
but only myself and a man by his side
i pumped his heart and breathed his breath
but it was too late
He was lost to Death.
God Bless You and keep you Aristeo
Rest in Peace

Have I any poems left?
Have I ANY words to share?

I do not dare.
I fear that all that might be left is -Despair.

I want to be a light , a hand from Our Lord
Yet all I mutter from my mouth is an overflowing shore of discord.

I go on with a flickering of this Light,
but I bow in sub human shame for the peril of my insight.

Blemished, scarred in the gulf that was once my heart,
I no longer bear the audacity of my gifts to impart.

I am dull in my consciousness, I chose this,I do recall.
I was blind or foolish, to believe I could jump yet not suffer the fall.

I unknowingly offer foul gifts to those in pain.
I was in the guise from myself . This is the place I looked inward to share my honest intention. There I was engulfed  in the wretchedness of what I had become. I saw who I am now. I was so deeply saddened by this realization.

There I sat, driving  but not looking, as I so often do, in word, while my eyes searched outward to fall inward, imploring for trust. I wanted someone to see my distrust in myself was as pure and new to me as it crept to the light, given by you.

I was tricked or complacent in maintaining my spirit.I found myself in the bright headlights of the sun offering foul fruits to another without even blinking.
I am sooo far off my course. I have not been thinking. Even my kindness is infected.I have not sought to assure my friend from the distrust and fear of who I may now be. I am afraid of the vision but I know that I do not believe that I am well enough to have trust.
I may offer a refreshment thinking its juice. But the fact is I may equally blindly offer a cup of rust. It is for their light i am thankful to have the sight to crawl out of this oblivion
that i have been living in

It's a true freedom.
This blessing of life.
It's not the approaching new year,
Its the miracles raining upon my soul, this lack of fear.
I almost died, lost my freedom, lost my home, car and hurt for my loved ones.
I am so undeserving.
This grace Jehovah has me cushioned into the Palm of His Hand.
My life radiates with Joy . I thought I could never feel like this. I needed this traffic interception in the wilderness of my fields.
Far from what I left as a home.
Hit anything hard enough and something is bound to happen.
I want to scream in the abundance of clean Air and feel like a little child running in a park.
Lord Jehovah found me lying in the Utah fields of clay
He formed me from my living death and gave me another cherished joyful day.

Regression- Confession- Succession of the young-
My hopes- beliefs- are now publicly hung-
The gallows- the hangman- the executioner's head-
the sentenced now lay in the beds that they've made-

I am nowhere-nothing-no one to all-
I am deaf to the speakers- I am deaf to the call-
The call of the wild- The wild at heart-
push me past my breakage-
pulling me apart-

Apart from our mothers, fathering a grudge-
ever so willing, without a nudge-
to convict-condemn to be murdered-
as lambs and sheep to follow-
overloaded with grief- my grief leaves me hollow-

So much  change. So often in my life.
Residences, phone numbers, jobs.
Relationships.
Its as though i fail.
Over and over again . i fail.
I falter.
.......and get up. Back up. Way up. Wait up.
I never give up.
What am i waiting for?
What am i wishing for?
Every change erases my progress.
Undermined by myself or another.
My foundation must be weak.
What is it? Where is it? What is it that i seek?
I'm  not looking for answers. Anymore.
I only want time to please stand still.
Let me catch up. Let me catch my breath.
Let me completely experience anything before i must move on in death.
Im not down. I'm  not up.
I am just aware enough.
Walking through the cemetery, i saw dandelions. So i stopped and made a wish.
I wished to not have to go through any of this again.
Those Dandelion Wishes never work.
I blew all of its spindrils straight into the wind.
If i were one of The Three Little Pigs, i would build my house of Dandelions.
You can huff and you can puff, and you could blow my house down.
I could waste my life making Dandelion Wishes then.

My voice, my head, my thoughts become-
Disembodied
from my visions, my senses, my heart, my soul-
Disembodied love
for friendships that i find to be insincere-
countless clues i never would hear-
their disembodied voices far from the actions they emit-
they move little and bring discord-
to this place which I sit-
and reel
and mourn-

misplaced letters; misplaces trust
the world dines on their wanton lust
wandering footsteps, weakened by bottle glass.
I hurry up , so I won't be last.
Screaming
no glory
Dreaming
outscoring
forwarded footsteps and unopened mail,
left out in the barrenness, the terse winter Gael.
what should I do ?
what can't I see ?
left all alone
burdened by me.

On the edge of the world
at The End of The World
into a ball I could be curled.
but I am staggering, stammering, hammering about
about to build something great
I've no time to shout.just standing there judging
You've no time to pout.
What am I going to build right away?
I do not know yet, I can not say.
maybe a temple, a life, or a house
maybe a horse, a cross, or a mouse.
Don't need a wall, I've already enough
Don't need to hear you sounding so gruff.
Soon I won't even hear a word that you say.
I'm building a world to raise up from the clay.
I once ran wild, when I was a child
now I have moments in bursts
I require safety, silence, and health
I will guard them steadfast
I will no longer thirst
So I get ready to do what I say
I have said enough
I Don't Have All Day.

I tilted my head . I wilted and was dead -
No longer entangled in this snare called life -
none the less remembered, respected
Dejected in my illusion -
Where i wander most often, unclaimed and disillusioned -
Whatever was I hoping for-
longing in which to see -
the distorted , unreported - dismemberment of ME -
Expectations are like curses, drowning and alienating ALL who dare to dream -
The Ideals of a stranger - I am now what I seem

Lesions from battle
Scars of attacks
Legions of Infiltrators
Knife you in the back.
No one is left simple, pure or devout.
Capturing the unsuspecting before they. Could run out.
Run. Run. Run out and away. There is no love for you here today.
It comesfir you when it pleases,  not when you are deserving.
This long life of mine feels so disturbing.
Im tired of defending my borders and standing face to face with tyrrants.
I should just fall indefeat, et i never have stayed down.
I have felt the urge to stay on my feet.

Forgotten Ones like daisies in a jar.
Wilted, desiccated, without atar.
Our intention was never to wander away. Our love still remains but their love decays.

How could it not? Once they lay saturated in the blood of our love,
while we hustled away in a darting whirl. Your forgotten ones; we're they boys or girls? We're they soldiers, husbands, wives, or daughters?
We're they abandoned, neglected, slaughtered?

We forgot them and they forgot us. Twitching in our own abyss. We are the ones so distraught by these thoughts.
But weren't we the cause for losing what we sought?

All that remains are paper tokens,
Potpourrie petals, petrified skeletons of. Love we forgot on a shelf.
These are the things we can't ask ourselves.

Happiness is only as subjective
as others allow you to embrace it.
Happiness is never total- absolute-,
Nor held , nor attained.
Happiness is transient  and flees from us all.

Happiness is only as subjectivebas others allow you to embrace it.
Happiness is never total- absolute-,
Nor held , nor attained.
Happiness is transient  and flees from us all.

HA! One laugh is belted out from my girdle
my solar plexus
another hurdle.All I have is a mere laugh.
The laugh i've laughed all through my past.
without Joy and without a crowd
My laugh is as silent as it is loud.

My pencil is not what i have used.
My pen finally got away, tired of being used.

I scramble through my mind without true thought.
I do not seem to ponder.
As I have wandered away,
way out yonder.

Perhaps i have begun my final chapter, almost like a Raptor.
Feeble and fast, darting about
without direction or doubt.
Doubt is beheld only by those with thought.
I will feel as I have Fought - senseless, fameless, aloof and alone.
My pack, my tribe has moved onward when i felt I was home.
It is just another mirror that I stand in alone.

Wistful , wishful, hopeful of a new start
Renewing, healing a broken , twisted heart.
to have to pull back on the reins of my giving
will stop my hostile reactions but wont feel like living.

I traveled far and somewhere I died-
I went astray, went missing,
When I wanted to hide-

I couldn't bear the pain-
I couldn't bear any more-
I tried to reach out, but- what for?

No one would hear- not even that they could-
I am no longer able to do what I should-

I could- but,  I could not-

I know about should-
I lie now in the sand-
The dirt under the green and the wood.

The Cooperatives; unknowingly work together.
Hit after hit, blow after blow.
Further away from my goals.
This time, I won't fight. I won't do my all, to win.
Their foul actions work against my win. To react to their betrayal, would also be a sin.
I am not seeking a tainted resolution. I will wait, unresponsive, to their pollution. I will rise up when God sees fit.
I will overcome all of this ****.
I had a hand in it, I know this to be true.
But a friend is a friend, so what am I to do? Crush them? Break them? Plot and devise? No. I seek not this answer, this I also despise.

I am nothing to no one, no one that I see.
I am remembered enough for who I meant to be.
My life just could not hold me,
Nor claim meor name me
Your fleeting weak two faced so called love can not hurt, shame defame nor rename me
I am delated of heart, but not of spirit.
So peddle onto other shores
Where the Sun hits your back.
Dont  Stay
Golden.
Dont Go Back.
Carry on.

You're​ a little hater, short and stout-
Hear you scream and watch you pout-
You're not a child, You are old-fashioned
Your attitude is nasty, You're nasty as mold

You're​ a little hater, short and stout-
Hear you scream and watch you pout-
You're not a child, You are old-fashioned
Your attitude is nasty, You're nasty as mold

You're​ a little hater, short and stout-
Hear you scream and watch you pout-
You're not a child, You are old-fashioned
Your attitude is nasty, You're nasty as mold

You're​ a little hater, short and stout-
Hear you scream and watch you pout-
You're not a child, You are old-fashioned
Your attitude is nasty, You're nasty as mold

Have you ever loved someone and it felt like Christmas?
Loving them you felt Christmas
Magical and peaceful.
The greatest joy.
Someone I love now and will go on loving for the rest of my days told me this same thing. I know this feeling!
My love leaped. I wish this moment we could forever keep. But now I am old and have lived my life.  My Christmas is late. It already passed. Yet in my heart it will last. When you finally stop trying to make something broken work, true love will find you. And it will hurt. Because you are out of time.
With one foot in the dirt.
Tricked again by life.
You must finally surrender yet never give up is all I've remembered

Let me see, Let me feel-
Open the envelope
Break the seal-
I am in the dark
void of light-
Empty thoughts, Empty sights-
Why is it my place to wait?
Longing for life
contentment
meeting with Fate
My Mind knows the thoughts
that others can not think-
I try to stay composed, but
I've l
lept off the brink

The loss of focus throughout each of my days-
is profound, predictive of the futility of my ways-

The hopeless despair in which I feel-
animates each cell in my being,
any life in me it steals-

My solitary thoughts, i push outside-
to you-
another of faith, unknowing of what to do-

fold, check, or play the game through-
not up to par, i am decidedly losing, it's not up to you-

I've traveled to where I have not been.
I have eloped to where I must not.
It's perfect here. Not too cold nor too hot.
I have to pay for my excursions, folly is never cheap. But I'm working so feverishly, I have sown, so shall I reap.
I'm pleased. Ultimately fortunate, I settle into my loft. While some of the old remnants tangled on, while they grimace and scoff.
I am easily satisfied, yet I ponder greater things. This is where my head is at. Contrasting the Hater Beings.
I know this because they confess to me, what abhorred thoughts they compel.As well, people are human and these beings are not.
I rid myself of these remnants, refuse of the past. I will rebuild and cleave tothat which does not last.

I can feel it calling.I am aware of its caress. I am calm,  nearly peaceful,unblinking. No feeling of distress. my eyes are gazing blankly into nowhere to escape where I'm at.  how symbolic is each gesture each word that I've spat?
I'm already engaged, promised to my biggest fan. not here or there or anywhere in this land. Yet still he reaches out for me and I offer back my hand. I can hear him calling. I can feel his caress. I am peaceful. unblinking . wandering into my death.

A face that's unknown as it seen in the mirror a traveling vacant can't be much clearer I've nothing familiar to put my energy into so I drift through these lands pouring my heart into the sand it remains unquenched like a fiery abyss all the love and accomplishments I will miss man I swear life is futile it leaves the ego with extensive bruises it's scars the heart and disrupts the soul no one here gets out alive and we all fall into the hole

My mind and thoughts are twisting. Resisting to believe.
What they suggest
Is the worst.
Its 3 am and im still awake.
This might hurt but i won't let it ache.
The vague and double talking belongs to those who forsake. You wait for me you could not stay  waiting.I was late.  go wherever. Wherever i went you  we're not there so we waited for you but I don't think really that you care you are somewhere else with something else surprise visits lead to shock I don't want to hear what my mind talks so I went away I went alone far away where I call home. I forgot  mine there.you 're probably with one who stalks you through your/their phone. I will drive . I will walk ,but I will not pursue you. I will never stalk .you

You seem soVacant,Aloof,
Absent from me.
You feel so UnAffected,
UnTouched by me.
I am a speck of dust in the sky that past you by.
and i liked you.

One day you might Find Yourself Walking on the road of life.
The next day you might be driving a bucket.
Do not let this get you down.
You are making progress on your path.
You might wake up one day and be driving in comfort and style.
Do not let this define you.

Do not forget, this is just a trip in Your Journey of Life.
You might Wake Up the next day an Find Yourself Walking on the road of Your Life.

You Might Find Yourself.
You Might Find Yourself Walking.
Walking on the Road of Your Life.

All of this is just a day in the Journey of Life.
Enjoy all in your life and on your path.

You might see more if you walk, or if you drive.
But Experience Your Journey.
Do not just jump into another's ride.

Live Life
Love Life
Live Love
Love Your Life

It can always get better.
It can always be worse.
At the flip of a coin,
In the blink of an eye,
Miracles and Blessings await you and
Tragedy lurks.
Appreciate you lessons and blessings.
Appreciate and experience your hurts.

Love Your Life for what it is worth.

I speak my own language I form my own words I have no predecessors descendants nor have I any news to blurt.
I constantly moving trying to find a world in which to relate I am often unheard misunderstood and ensnarled in debate.
my utterings are useless except to my own ear those people who detest me I do not fear.
I fear myself I am my own worst enemy I often cancel myself but to no avail I end up homeless jobless x exiled to jail as much as I succeed is as much as I fail.
I speak my own language I have my own tongue the world is crude to all, even to it's young.
October 29th 2019

I awoke in the middle of last night , while in the midst of a dream.
Unpleasantness surrounds my sleep.
The dreams mock my waking hours, in both, I can not scream.

In my sleep, I sat up so fast-
All my visions vanished with a gasp.
My eyes remained shut as I tried ti make sense.
My ribs felt broken, I had to struggle to move. I felt a sharp piercing  sensation in the depth of my lungs.

Why was and what was happening?
I wasn't attacked in my sleep.
I questioned this once more.
I knew better, so I sat up, eyes shut, and tried to get back to sleep.

A loud noise made me gasp in panic.
Still closed eyes stayed shut.
Wondering if I were to die.
My ego so full of itself, always boasting of supreme health.
Now some strange calamity visited and also left abruptly.

Until we meet in my slumber once again.I will protect my ribs, my  life, y lungs. Hollow givers of life and empty vessels of death.

I have alienated myself. All alone now. As I should be. Nothing interests me. No one enthralls me. No one angers me. Pride and indignation are all that I have  I wish I could go back to the humble me for now my pride is false and my humility was true. I wish I never met you

I can not follow you to the other side, I've just barely got my foot into the stairwell. I've already completed my downward spiral.
I am sick, but I am not diseased or viral.Being in love feels so overrated.
There is no passion and my feelings are becoming outdated.
Spoiled, it seems by past comparisons, when the time comes,
by former beings which portrayed more enthusiasm.

I feel like an old trinket that was gained in a war, fought long and suffered for. For that is what happened as i rolled down each step,
Each one like My Last Breath.
i have no comfort, nor solace, nor common ground in these tattered feelings that I am abound.

How absurd is my Fate?
Always aware a Little Too Late.

Cool and crisp is the air to breathe.
Frail and colorful discarded leaves.
Autumn is quiet as November falls.
I hear this whisper as it calls.

I whisper back like a hidden friend behind a wall.
The wind picks up hushing my words.
It strolls away from our conversation and settles up above the palms.
I feel no need to feel the breeze, it's usually too intense.
Placing its disarrayed claws on others possessions and. Tossing them into the air. Like it has no regard for anyone. It doesn't care.
If this non visually materialized life form has no warmth or delightful scent of fresh lost yet familiar vision to bestow, then I just as well have no great bond to it and will go.
I feel alive and vibrant as the sun.
I am loved. I walk in the eclectic self knowledge of My Father and His Son.
I am the only soul I see. I am the only one.
November has fallen by the roadside but couldn't take my soul.
December prepares me. December is divine. December is Mine.

replaced by many unaware of each other you should go back and not be my lover I'd hooked for more but more of what the sharper the blade the deeper the cut

ONCE I had a coin, a token bestowed upon me-
Metallic and beautiful; with words it had been forged-
" NO WEAPON FORGED AGAINST YOU SHALL PROSPER "
It made me feel special- It made me feel safe-
even after it was gone with no trace