this layer of life,
(or living itself)
is permeable
variable
your ability or
even desire to see
hazy or
hi-def
seeing only what
can be perceived
in that
moment

to be fully present and aware,
to see all the layers
the tilt-shift perspective
the zoom in
the micro
the macro
the meta
the step-back
c l e a r l y

is such a rare
and beautiful thing.

clarity can arrive and depart quickly
a vision through a tunnel
a sharp e x p a n s i v e place
slo-mo
o u t

just know
that once you are unleashed,
you are impossible to
once again contain

however,
you can go into
sleep mode
a haze of forgetting, ignoring, tolerating
forgetting
forgetting

but just because you forgot
does not mean
you cannot remember
although it
may be
very
very
very
hard.

if you remember
DO NOT LET GO
try as hard as you can,
and then try harder,
and then *******
try harder still

******* FIGHT
not to s
            l
              i
                p

however* you must
because
Y O U
must
save
y o u.

i never think about my armour,
but i suddenly realize i have to
because there is no
"load previous save"
in this game.

there is no going back.
e v e r.

there is only
forward motion
with constant revision

and that is a hard thing
to grasp and hold

a strange place to be

forgetting and remembering
entire different
lives and selves.

is it me
that is so
hard to reach?

or is it
all of you?

sometimes you don't even realize
that all you are doing
is struggling
trying to align
a false construct
of what a life should be
with a life
you can actually
live with.

but if you can
break free
then
     you
               s h o u l d.

you can't know something
you don't know
unless you do know
but can't remember
you know
and if that's the case
you might as well not
know at all.

does there have to be
a   s o u r c e ?
w h e r e
is
the
source?

i dreamt
that my eyes
were
itchy and irritated
so i looked in a mirror

they were disturbingly red
with contacts in them
but i don't wear contacts,
and couldn’t remember
how they got there
so i took them out

i looked down
to inspect them
and was shocked
and confused

the contacts were not transparent

they were grey, opaque, and very thick.

there was no way to see through them

yet i thought i had been seeing the world
perfectly fine
just moments ago.