even now,
i still look for you.

i used to wonder
what it would be like
to be an adult.

to be a part of the age group
that is running the world,
to know i was equal
and to understand my responsibility.

what would it be like to be in charge
of even the most precious
of our responsibility:
the lives of our c h i l d r e n.

only to come to find out
that most adults
lack the courage and compassion
to do the job.

and in the face of
CHILDREN MURDERING CHILDREN
WITH THE ADULT'S WEAPONS
they are met with only a
cowardly silence.

everyone goes through
the  m i n u t i a
the daily grind
in a unique
arrangement of
space and time.

and you are not you and
there is no you and me
and there is no me without you.

once you comprehend your worth,
you must leave when
you cannot find
a reason to stay.

b.a | m.s.e.d

i finally understand why
he had to create
a whole persona
to explain
the
phenomenon.

i used to fear that
i was going to end up
the example to teach you
a lesson that some
other lucky woman
would benefit from.

it turns out
i had it backwards and
you are the example
of a lesson for some
other poor man
to learn from
me.

you taught me pride.
aggression.
depression.
self-involvement
lack of empathy
and
lying and
            deceit.

you taught me
not to trust
even myself.

you taught me
to doubt myself.

you taught me
to put myself down.
to see ugliness
where none existed.

you taught me the meaning of regret.
and the force of a self-obsessed
and bloated man-baby.

you are a terrible lesson.
a terrible teacher.
and not very nice, either.