Never Ending

It's always me people shove,
some memories, I can't dispose of.
There seems to be no end,
a real problem and there is no friend.
Life savings running bone dry,
I just can't figure out why.
Trying hard to be the best,
every little thing leaves me stressed.
Tired of things being so complicated,
always feeling so **** aggravated.
Living in a constant bitter regret,
no way out of this money debt.
Not even sure what life's about,
it ***** so bad, it makes me shout.
Why was I even born,
when I die will anybody mourn.
Wondering why I even care,
all these problems, with you I share.
Over forty and nothing to show,
motion of life, moving to slow.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired,
is living really that required.
Life is only getting worse,
since birth, someone put on a curse.
Got two kids, I never see,
why is all this **** happening to me.
Never got the right support,
my ship has never left the port.
Maybe things will never change,
people look at me like I'm very strange.
Will I ever catch a break,
maybe I'm dreaming and all this is fake.
Every night, I cry myself to sleep,
in my family, I'm the black sheep.
Almost living in the street,
tried to lie, steal and cheat.
Yes it's true that I'm insane,
can't fight this blister in my brain.
Well I've wasted enough of your time,
I may never write another rhyme.

The Doll House

I stumble, I tumble into a house of prostitution,
well it is the oldest professional institution.
I stare, I sit and I look around,
suddenly my tongue dropped to the ground.
Had my choice of fifty ******,
each room had curtains for doors.
Plenty of blondes, brunettes and red heads,
laced satin sheets on all the beds.
Fat girls, skinny girls and ugly ones too,
with only twenty dollars my choices were few.
They sent me back into a room,
a blow up doll and a plastic broom.
After an hour, I was very confused,
doll had a smile, but my ******* was bruised.
Walked out of the place with a limp,
dressed up my broom, just like a ****.
I kept the doll free of charge,
ugly desperate men kept me living large.
I charged sixty dollars an hour with the doll,
hundreds of men were giving me a call.
Making thousands of dollars every week,
pretty good for a doll that doesn't speak.
Now I've cornered market on dolls that are inflatable,
one for any occasion, I have available.
Birthday parties for the geeks and nerds,
nothing like ******* who say no words.
Handicapped and retards love my prices,
I even supply them with special devices.
I even get women with their ******* *****'s,
some girls even like to pick my nose.
This went on for many years,
when I retired, millions were in tears.
My doll house is now a famous museum,
I call it the Blow Up Coliseum.

Pitch Black

Total darkness enters the night,
no more moon or sun shinning bright.
Shadows looming overhead,
welcome to the land of the dead.
This isn't heaven, isn't hell.
but this is a place, you will soon know well.
Feeling alone and out of place,
memories of living will slowly erase.
Eyes turn black, body gets pale,
feeling blind and can't read braille.
Millions of others walking around,
can't see them, but can hear the sound.
All the souls have long escaped,
curtains of life have now draped.
Not knowing how long this will last,
don't know the future, can't remember the past.
No one to help along the way,
even if there was, what would they say.
Tough to live in the land of the lost,
everyone is getting their salad tossed.
Judgement day has finally come,
suddenly body is turning numb.
Ten long years living in darkness,
no more fear and being heartless.
Now that this has become to an end,
body now on a rapid descend.
Now in a place filled with fire,
this is the place where all bodies retire.

It's Good To Be The King

While sitting on my golden throne,
dogs throw me their best bone.
Men bow down at my feet,
on my lap, women have a seat.
Kids give me their favorite toys,
I break the ones that make noise.
Rich people give me their gold,
poor people do as their told.
It's good to be the king,
everyone dances when I sing.
My queen obeys every command,
if not she gets a hard right hand.
Every servant does their job,
most people call me a snob.
My kids go the the best school,
if they are bad, I make them eat my stool.
It's good to be the king,
my castle has a hidden wing.
All my mistresses are eager to please,
off with their heads, if they don't appease.
My army has never lost a war,
if some happen to die, I just get more.
There is always talk of a revolution,
any talk of treason, is an automatic execution.
It's good to be the king,
I'm the puppeteer who pulls the string.
Every Sunday criminals get thrown to the lions,
the games begin with the sound of sirens.
Thousands come to scream and cheer,
while I drink wine, waiting for the invention of beer.
I'm getting old and about to retire,
my oldest son, all the girls desire.
My other son is a bit fruity,
I still have one last duty.
Still one battle left to win,
just one chance left to legally sin.
I strangled my family with some string,
**** it's good to be the king.
I think I'll keep my throne a few more years,
my families heads, I kept as souvenirs.

This Girl Of Mine

Clothes get thrown to the floor,
at this point we can't take no more.
I got style, I got grace,
when my girl sits on my face.
I have the moves that drive her wild,
you should see the way she smiled.
Kisses from head to toe,
foreplay should be nice and slow.
With my tongue, I don't miss a spot,
never once have I missed her slot.
Starts with a kiss, than a massage,
we even don't mind an entourage.
Puts her mouth over my stick,
open wide cause it's very thick.
We don't need to watch any ****,
just an over-sized shoe horn.
It starts with her on top,
keep going baby and never stop.
Loves when her ******* are squeezed,
lucky for us we're not diseased.
Pounding hard with all our might,
*** is better after a big fight.
Bed is rocking and about to break,
must be quieter or the kids will wake.
Then it's time for *******,
smacking that *** for awhile.
Pulling her hair, till it hurts,
this girl of mine has the squirts.
Bed is soak and wet,
and no it isn't from sweat.
Screaming my name for an hour,
I'm like God, but with more power.
I can feel my knees getting weak,
this girl of mine is such a freak.
Body is shaking, and turning Japanese,
she is screaming hurry please.
Then came the big explosion,
if I was a ******, I'd deserve a promotion.
Then we lay in bed and cuddle,
first I get a towel, for the giant puddle.
Holding her tight, till she falls asleep,
this girl of mine, I'm gonna keep.

Rambling

Life is good, life is bad,
sometimes happy, sometimes sad.
Drink a beer, smoke a ****,
listening to your favorite song.
Sometimes manic, sometimes depressed,
pop a pill if you get stressed.
Reach for the stars, follow your dreams,
when having a nightmare, silent your screams.
Drive around that bump in the road,
never play baseball with a live toad.
Think positive and always smile,
even when it feels like you're on trial.
When life seems way out of hand,
put your friends on the witness stand.
Life is never as bad as you think,
just remember the inside is always pink.
When you're happy, things will go your way,
life is a constant game, we must play.
First we're born, last we die,
always laugh and never cry.
I wish we all could be in the buff,
in an ****, is eight really enough.
When young, life is so **** easy,
meet the eighth dwarf, they call me ******.
As you get older, there are so many responsibilities,
but whatever you do, never doubt your capabilities.
I find nothing wrong with being a bit perverted,
my family and friends have never deserted.
Personally, I like being among the living,
except for that day they call Thanksgiving.
If you ever need me, just give me a call,
there is no problem too large or small.
These five words I say to you,
girls always love my fondue.

Happy Halloween

Trick or treats at the front door,
give them candy, but they want more.
I put poison in their candy bar,
razors in their apple will leave a scar.
Tired of hearing, the ringing of my bell,
all these **** kids can go to hell.
Putting tacks in their Milky Way,
don't they know candy causes tooth decay.
Even with the lights off, they still knock,
I hate every kid on this **** block.
I give them lint from my dryer,
their stupid costumes, I light on fire.
I put pennies in their pillow case,
some kids so ugly, don't need masks on face.
I smile at their moms, standing on the sidewalk,
all the hot ones, I can't help but gawk.
When they say trick or treat,
I make them lick my smelly feet.
Putting pins in their Baby Ruth,
no longer will they have a sweet tooth.
Putting nails in their peanut butter Twix,
I have a big bag filled with rotten tricks.
I put Anthrax in their Snickers,
on the Kit Kat i cover with chiggers.
Three Musketeers are filled with staples,
Butterfingers have splinters from wooden tables.
Naughty kids get a bag of my ****,
from the toilet, that I often sit.
Maybe next year they will learn,
or I'll give them ashes from their parents urn.
Sometimes I scare them and make them beg,
their so scared, you can see *** running down their leg.
I've even given left overs from the fridge,
all the maggots make their bodies twitch.
Next Halloween, if I'm not in jail,
I will urinate in every candy pail.

Dream Or Delusion

I am back with a vengeance,
my possibilities are so endless.
I was only gone for awhile,
no one else has my writing style.
Everything I do is an instant success,
I'm the God, you all should bless.
Everything I touch turns into gold,
unlike you, I will never grow old.
I'm a man who can't be beat,
unless of course, its my own meat.
I walk alone and stand tall,
there ain't a situation, I can't control.
No one has my creative imagination,
my brain will never go on vacation.
I take from the rich and give to the poor,
even Robin Hood thinks I have delusions of grandeur.
I have bi-polar with a twist,
my personality you can't resist.
One day conceited, one day depressed,
with *** and money, I'm obsessed.
I only speak words of wisdom,
my words always deserve a listen.
Even when I'm gone, I'm always here,
don't worry, I will never completely disappear.
In due time, I may fade away,
then everyone will celebrate my birthday.
It's my time to be in the sun,
I'm not afraid, I won't run.
I'm the master of all rhyme,
finally it's my shinny time.
I have waited many years,
shed over a million tears.
All my dreams are finally coming true,
I believe my time is long over due.
Is my nightmare finally over,
have I picked my lucky four leaf clover.
I am ready for my standing ovation,
rid myself of all my hidden frustration.
Maybe all this is just a cruel diversion,
coming from a mind, who was an abortion.

*****

I like *****, I like ****,
before you touch, you must get permits.
Nothing like a nice pair of assets,
oh how puppies make nice pets.
Bazongas are ***** that are large,
strippers and hookers, will always charge.
Nothing like the perfect *****,
but only on the perfect woman.
******* are yummy dark or white,
but first you must wait for an invite.
Some girls even have a third ******,
do not squeeze says Mr. Whipple.
I don't mind girls on the itty, bitty, ***** committee,
on a carpenters dream, I show no pity.
They could be called a bust, some call them cans,
a woman's squeeze box, all men are fans.
Chesticles is a term I have never heard,
but everyday, I learn a new word.
I like cones, I like jugs,
girls with big ones, I give hugs.
Al Bundy loved calling them *******,
at the restaurant, I wish I was one of the recruiters.
A girl with a nice set of knockers,
might find herself with unwanted stalkers.
Fergie sang about her lovely lady lumps,
a good set of melons, still give me goose bumps.
***** always come in a pair,
why do bra's, they have to wear.
Even men who smoke lots of crack,
still can appreciate a good sized rack.
I don't care if there fake or real.
in a crowded room, I always cop a feel.
Girls love showing off some cleavage,
I wish I lived in a ***** village.
Babies need breast milk to make them stronger,
if the mom is hot, they may do it longer.
In conclusion, I love *****,
with whipped cream or melting ice cubes.

Zombies Or Rabies

Walking around one afternoon,
foaming at the mouth, like a rabid raccoon.
Was I bitten by a dog,
I couldn't tell through the fog.
Is Cujo on the loose,
with a possum, I tried to ******.
Walking sideways to the local clinic,
people are laughing, thinking it's a gimmick.
Feeling like a poisoned zombie,
starting to cry and wanting my mommy.
Cars are trying to run me over,
I'm playing Frogger and red rover.
At the point, where I can't even speak,
I am way up on ****'s creek.
This might happen to you if you're bit,
sure wish I had a survival kit.
I feel the need to feed on flesh,
it tastes so good and so fresh.
Blood is dripping down my face,
Walmart seemed like the right place.
No one cares about rednecks and minorities,
I may have rabies, but I still have my priorities.
Old people and fat ones too,
what other kind of people are better to chew.
Am I a zombie or severely rabid,
whatever it is it's spreading so rapid.
People I've killed are starting to rise,
it's Halloween, so we need no disguise.
Inside Walmart is the walking dead,
old women with no teeth are giving me head.
All the doors got bolted shut,
a crowded Walmart is doing the zombie strut.
The military has surrounded the store,
foaming at the mouth, is so worth dying for.
Can hear the jets as they fly by,
their about to bomb Walmart, till we all die.
I escaped through a secret trap door,
I'm about to go on a feeding frenzy tour.

Three Steps

Time has come for a change,
give yourself a rearrange.
Take the old you and give it a toss,
become your own ******* boss.
Who cares what people think,
drive those ******* to the brink.
Make them bow at your feet,
don't you ever accept defeat.
No more kissing anyone's ***,
empty their tank, till they run out of gas.
Always do what you gotta do,
who the hell do they think they're talking to.
Be the master of your own destiny,
if a door is closed, just say open sesame.
It doesn't take brain, it doesn't take brawn,
if you get tired, don't ever yawn.
Now you're ready for the second step,
better hurry up, no time for a prep.
No longer will you take any ****,
in their face, give them a spit.
Lie, cheat and always steal,
who cares about how they feel.
Push the losers out of the way,
let them know you're here to stay.
Take the bull by the horns,
always take charge, never take turns.
If they don't approve to **** bad,
never subtract and always add.
Now it's time for step three,
take what you want, even if it's not free.
***** your enemies in the ****,
make them bleed, like they've been cut.
People in your way, just shoot them dead,
don't be afraid to chop off their ****** head.
You've now reached the point of no return,
these are the steps that you must learn.
Life is a survival of the fittest,
never leave behind any kind of witness.
In life you must always take charge,
then you will find yourself living large.
These three steps you must always follow,
if not you might not be around to see tomorrow.

It's Just My Job

I'll stab you with scissors, I'll stab you with a fork,
all because you're a two timing ****.
I'll shoot you with a rifle, I'll shoot you with a shotgun,
you are all gonna die one by one.
I'll beat you with a bat, I'll beat you with a stick,
if it was long enough, I'd beat you with my ****.
I'd choke you with my hands, I'd choke you with my feet,
if that doesn't work, I will repeat.
I'll run you over with my car, I'll run you over with my truck,
in the threads of my tires, you're flesh will get stuck.
I'll poison your food, I'll poison your drink,
then toss you in the ocean, till you sink.
I'll bury you in the sand, I'll bury you in the dirt,
whether at the beach or in the desert.
I'll **** you cause I want to, I'll **** you cause I can,
it doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man.
I'll crush you with a rock, I'll crush you with a hammer,
all because you don't use the proper grammar.
I'll punch you in the face, I'll punch you in the *****,
if that doesn't **** you, I'll use your skin for my dolls.
I'll push you off a building, I'll push you off a cliff,
if you land face first, I hope you're not stiff.
I'll use a farmers pitchfork, I'll use a butchers cleaver,
I guess you can call me an over achiever.
Killing is my business and business is good,
I'm the ******* devil, so being better you should.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

In life you rarely catch a break,
was being born just a mistake.
Things may happen beyond our control,
those are the days when you pack a bowl.
If you find yourself in any kind of trouble,
a real friend would be there on the double.
If you find life ain't worth living,
waiting for you is a new beginning.
Not every day can be perfect,
maybe your thoughts, you need to collect.
Some days you wake up on the wrong side of the bed,
just be glad you didn't wake up dead.
No matter how much your in pain,
hide your tears by crying in the rain.
There will be days when you're depressed,
you may even feel like you're possessed.
Every dark tunnel has a hidden light,
you have to search hard, cause it isn't always bright.
Then out of nowhere things fall into place,
on those days, you must carefully embrace.
No matter how bad it seems, someone has it worse,
life is something you can't rehearse.
Find something that will make you smile,
if you still have an old phone, give me a dial.
No matter what always think positive,
dress up nice and be very provocative.
I wish there was a happy pill,
they already have one that makes you chill.
I think of my kids when I feel sad,
that makes me one happy dad.
Cuddling with my girlfriend makes me happy,
she accepts me even though I'm a bit wacky.
Always look on the bright side of life,
love can be spread with a butter knife.
I've been down, I've been out,
my heart has poured red like a spout.
So on those days when you're feeling blue,
just don't forget it goes the other way too.

Presidents

Washington, Adams and Jefferson,
had *** with slaves just for fun.
Madison, Monroe and Adams,
I'm sure had secret madams.
Jackson, Van Buren and Harrison,
not sure how they ever won.
Tyler, Polk and Taylor,
before elected lived in a trailer.
Fillmore, Pierce and Buchanan,
should have been shot from a cannon.
Lincoln, Johnson and Grant,
each once had a cotton plant.
Hayes, Garfield and Arthur,
sinking fast with no life preserver.
Cleveland, Harrison and again Cleveland,
both of them killed at least one Indian.
McKinley, Roosevelt and Taft,
all too fat to float on a raft.
Wilson, Harding and Coolidge,
should have jumped from a bridge.
Hoover, Roosevelt and Truman,
wondering if they were even human.
Eisenhower, Kennedy and Johnson,
neither of them can still run.
Nixon, Ford and Carter,
not sure which one was smarter.
Reagan, Bush and Clinton,
shot, stupid and a Monica.
Bush and now Obama,
one was dumb,
and the other looks like a black llama.

Advice

Hair is turning grey,
getting older by the day.
Some days feeling so young,
it helps to be well hung.
Always running out of money,
darkest days can still be sunny.
Life is filled with ups and downs,
always stand on solid grounds.
Been there, done that,
sometimes falling a bit flat.
Nothing like a great big hug,
high on life is the best drug.
Good deeds never go unnoticed,
stay alert and very focused.
Good things happen, to those who wait,
sometimes luck, sometimes fate.
When it rains it always pours,
never go out on three hour tours.
Life is nothing but a beauty contest,
a pop quiz that turns into a test.
Not enough highs and too many lows,
sometimes life really blows.
Drinking alone at the bar,
not everyone can be a star.
Live each day as the last,
aging happens so **** fast.
Stay ahead of the competition,
time to break the old tradition.
Never take no for an answer,
even when battling cancer.
Always refuse to lose,
gave up giving up, is what I choose.

Love Is Blind

First we talk, then we start discussing,
turns into arguing and some fussing.
Every compromise turns into a heated debate,
who you out *******, when you come home late.
Your drinking and drugging is out of control,
wishing I could leave you, but my heart you stole.
Not gonna lie, I wish you were dead,
but watching you slowly killing yourself, I’ll watch instead.
Not sure how much more I can take,
meeting you is my biggest mistake.
You beat me one night while drunk,
from my head, you took a chunk.
Me in the hospital, you in jail,
I’m now blind and must learn braille.
Waiting years for you to be set free,
knowing you will come looking for me.
My seeing eye dog, I keep very hungry,
I may be blind, but I’m no dummy.
My walking cane is also a taser,
under my sleeve, I hide a razor.
Through the grapevine, I heard you get out tomorrow,
prepare to drown in a big red sea of sorrow.
Then one night, I hear a knock,
it must be way past twelve o’clock.
I quiet my dog so it doesn't bark,
turned off the power, so she could see dark.
I listen closely and hear very well,
knowing it’s her from her distinct smell.
She slowly opens the unlocked door,
my electric cane knocks her to the floor.
With my razor, I give her a slice,
I taught my dog to be a ***** eating device.
There is no proof, she was even hear,
some people just deserve to disappear.

Never Settle

Why is true love so hard to find,
all the stars must be perfectly aligned.
Sometime's it's right under your nose,
for some people it never shows.
Love could knocking at your door,
some people answer, some people ignore.
Love is being at the right place, at the right time,
for some it's an endless mountain, you must climb.
True love will always find a away,
a soul mate will never betray.
What ever you do, please don't settle,
hang tight and wait for the perfect rose petal.
Some find love a first sight,
some try hard with all their might.
It may take years to find your mate,
it could be destiny, it could be fate.
Might be a friend you've known forever,
then again it could happen never.
Getting no *** leaves you stressed and frustrated,
***** calls always end up being complicated.
Being alone is never fun,
the third wheel has been over done.
Use your hand when in doubt,
put an end to that long drought.
You might end up with a broken heart,
it happens to the dumb, it happens to the smart.
Whether you're young, or if you're old,
when you finally find love, tightly hold.
It may only happen once or twice,
true love is nothing but a roll of the dice.
Even if you're ugly, be optimistic,
love will find your one good characteristic.
If I can find love, so can you,
don't be fake, always be true.

Music

Running out of time, nothing left to rhyme,
no longer in my prime, listening to Sublime.
Used to smoke ****, slaves I have freed,
red I still bleed, listening to Creed.
I'm all that, I have kicked my cat,
my girl is a brat, listening to Ratt.
Invented a love potion, makes girls frozen,
many things I've broken, listening to Poison.
Buried in the sand, not what I planned,
I need a helping hand, listening to The Steve Miller Band.
Too many cell phones, can never get any loans,
love the show Bones, listening to The Rolling Stones.
Confessing all my sins, playing some violins,
dizzy from the spins, listening to The Thompson Twins.
Standing in the cold, my life is uncontrolled,
just got paroled, listening to Avenged Sevenfold.
Sprayed with mace, kicked in the face,
stuck in this rat race, listening to Three Days Grace.
Working the graveyard shift, lots of sand I must sift,
my life needs a lift, listening to Taylor Swift.
Living in Illinois, tired of hearing noise,
losing all my poise, listening to The Beach Boys.
No hands on the clock, it's me people mock,
dryer stole another sock, listening to Kid Rock.
Music has made me what I am,
loving the hairbands and the glam.
Hard rock is all I know,
how could you not like Ugly Kid Joe.
Heavy metal is where it's at,
all the older bands are bald and fat.
Top forty isn't half bad,
every year it's a different fad.
Disco and grunge had a short stay,
Nirvana and Pearl Jam, get too much air play.
Hip hop and rap has been around to long,
can they even sing a real song.
Nothing will ever beat the eighties,
spandex, hair and all the ***** ladies.
My two favorite songs are Sister Christian,
and Here I go Again,
those songs remind me of way back when.
Country, well that will always ****,
rednecks, Nascar, hunting and a giant truck.

Christmas Cheer

I can't believe what I just saw,
so surreal it put me in awe.
Of course, I can't tell you what it was,
it would **** your ongoing buzz.
I was bewildered and dumbfounded,
at the same time confused and astounded.
All I can say is please beware,
nothing will ever compare.
I took an oath an sworn to secrecy,
it's a theory of conspiracy.
They put me in witness protection,
wish I could tell you in what direction.
When it happened, I couldn't even scream,
I figured it was just a bad dream.
I just can't go on living this way,
my life is in total dismay.
People always guarding my door,
I liked the life I had before.
Always wondering when and where,
tonight there is something in the air.
Tired of living a life of hiding,
going back home is what I'm deciding.
Packed my bags and rented a U Haul,
no more being behind the eight ball.
What I'm about to tell you is the truth,
I saw mommy kissing Santa in a telephone booth.
Killer elf's started to chase me,
I wish they would let me be.
The institution told me, there was no such thing as Santa,
it was just my dad dressed in a red suited pajama.
I killed who I thought was Kris Kringle,
it sure makes one hell of a holiday jingle.
Witness protection was just an insane asylum,
they told me it was a deserted island.
Son kills dad cause he was naive,
walking past a telephone booth one Christmas Eve.
My mom then got run over by a reindeer,
I hated my parent, this turned out to be a good year.

****

Went to the toilet and saw a floating ****,
not flushing is so **** absurd.
Pushed the handle and found out why,
what happened next made me cry.
Brown water coming to the top,
tried everything but it wouldn't stop.
Water and turds all over the floor,
this is something, I didn't ask for.
Squeezed my nose and grabbed a plunger,
it's a good thing I used to be a plumber.
I can feel the turds oozing through my toes,
man this **** really blows.
Finally I got the water to go down,
the once white tile is now covered brown.
Smells so bad, I started to gag,
got some paper towels, a mop and a bag.
Sprayed Fabreze as much as I could,
puked on the floor where I stood.
Took an hour, but the bathroom is clean,
never have I seen something so obscene.
Jumped myself in the shower,
gave myself one hell of a scour.
Suddenly up from the drain,
another ****, I couldn't detain.
There it was laughing at me,
this **** is ****** up, wouldn't you agree.
Maybe this is the famous Mr. Hankey,
this South Park character is making me cranky.
Everywhere I looked, all day I saw ****,
it was like a nightmarish continuous loop.
Just couldn't get turds off my mind,
for the first time in my life, I wish to be blind.
For now on my bathroom is the back yard,
who would have thought turds would leave me scarred.

Forgot

Forgot about you, forgot about me,
I even forgot how to ***.
Forgot about birds, forgot about bees,
I even forgot how to say please.
Forgot about about hate, forgot about shame,
I even forgot my own name.
Forgot the last time, I was happy,
maybe I'm mean, maybe I'm snappy.
Living a life in the dark,
above my head is a question mark.
All I want is to be left alone,
I forgot the last time, I got blown.
It's not Alzheimer's, it's not amnesia,
maybe I'm still under the anesthesia.
Forgot about ***, forgot about ****,
I even forgot the day, I was born.
Forgot about peace, forgot about war,
forgot the difference between a ceiling and a floor.
Forgot about pain, forgot about suffering,
I even forgot why I was hurting.
Something happened inside my brain,
no one seems to want to explain.
Forgot about truth, forgot about lies,
I even forgot how to improvise.
Forgot what is hot, forgot what is cold,
I even forgot everything, I was ever told.
Forgot about life, forgot about love,
I even forgot all of the above.
So many things still left unsaid,
but I forgot that I'm already dead.

Skeletons In The Closet

In my closet I keep some bodies,
killing people is one of my hobbies.
I shoot people with my gun,
then sell their organs just for fun.
I skin their flesh and drain their blood,
my back yard is nothing but red mud.
Good thing my closet is extra wide,
it's the perfect place for them to hide.
I also enjoy golf and skiing,
I also take in a bit of sightseeing.
It helps me find people that don't matter,
then their brains, I like to splatter.
I fill my closet with plenty of bones,
a bunch of people, who were just unknowns.
No one even reports them missing,
sometimes their skulls I like kissing.
As I stalk my next victim,
I charm them with my words of wisdom.
I treat them like their my best friend,
if they only knew, it was all pretend.
I take them back to my place,
hoping I have enough closet space.
Then one night my house got raided,
my hopes and dreams suddenly became faded.
They locked me up and threw away the key,
fifty counts of ****** in the first degree.
My sentencing was for me to die,
above the prison, my skeleton hangs high.

Bone Loan

Like always I'm sitting home,
my hair, I'm giving a quick comb.
Girls call me on the phone,
always knowing, that I'm alone.
They only call for just one thing,
I stare at my phone, waiting for that ring.
They always call begging for money,
saying please and calling me honey.
I don't ask or care what it's for,
they always know, it's time to be my *****.
They think about it, but the answer is always yes,
hundreds of girls know my address.
It doesn't matter how much they need,
they're hungry and I got the right feed.
The girls that call never change their mind,
they only call when their in a major bind.
When they arrive, they tell me a price,
I have six positions on my lucky dice.
I'm so generous, I let them roll,
to break the ice, we smoke a bowl.
We talk, we laugh we get undressed,
life is fun being on house arrest.
Now their money they must earn,
I'm the sugar daddy, and their butter I churn.
Before they get their money, first they must moan,
this is what I like to call my famous bone loan.

My Letter

This is a letter, I'm writing to me,
with paper that came from a tree.
Over forty and nothing accomplished,
thought by now, I'd be smoothly polished.
Life didn't turn out like I thought,
I did everything that I was taught.
When younger, found love once or twice,
each time, I learned while paying the price.
Have two kids I love dearly,
not seeing them every day, hurts severely.
Never knew life would be this complicated,
too easily, I get so aggravated.
Snapping at the smallest thing,
just once, I want to be a king.
Met a woman, I love a lot,
moved to Florida, where it's always hot.
Been in two major car accidents,
surviving both was so miraculous.
I've had my share of nervous breakdowns,
lived in my share of lonely towns.
All I ask for is my chance of fame,
for fifteen minutes, I'd play the game.
At this moment, my life ain't half bad,
sometime's I feel like I've been had.
Done my share of bad things,
karma sometimes badly stings.
Been so broke, lived in the streets,
been so rich, followers actually read my tweets.
Now I live with my best friend,
I'm hoping till the very end.
A letter to yourself is a great exercise,
learning about yourself, can make you wise.
This will end my hand written letter,
try it sometime, I promise you'll feel better.

Angie

In the upcoming days that followed,
her shattered heart will become less hollowed.
I wish, I was there to hold you tight,
my special powers would make everything alright.
Something like this is so succumb,
its understandable to feel so numb.
Got the call from a mother crying,
calming her down, I was trying.
Loved ones will help this mountain you must climb,
the pain you feel will dull in due time.
Remember the good times you had together,
I know right now, you're more fragile than a glass feather.
Life is something no one will never understand,
if you need me, I'll come there and hold your hand.
Things like this, you never expect,
if there was an award for sister of the year,
it's you I would easily elect.
Sometimes life spirals out of control,
I'll be a shovel, to dig you out of this hole.
Each passing day will get a little bit better,
every time you get a chill,
people that love you will be your sweater.
Just remember you have millions that care,
if you're feeling upset or scared,
take a deep breathe of fresh air.
I am here in your time of need,
for you my heart is starting to bleed.
Just remember we all love you,
we have faith, that you will pull through.
Call me if you ever need to talk,
I'd come comfort you, even if I had to walk.
Do your best to ease your mind,
and remember we are only two steps behind.

30 Years Lost

I said no, you stupid little **,
not enough dough, so please just go.
I'm growing old, house filled with mold,
suffering from a cold, just got paroled.
Can't get laid, always underpaid,
I'm so **** afraid, life starting to fade.
Day becomes night, future not so bright,
don't know left from right, I do things out of spite.
Can't catch a break, all my friends are fake,
got bitten by a snake, body starting to ache.
Running out of time, down to my last dime,
no longer in my prime, at least I can still rhyme.
Life is just to tough, always in the buff,
can never get enough, I used to be hot stuff.
Hair is turning grey, I'm not the one to pray,
life is fading away, I still have more to say.
No one seems to care, my wife had an affair,
tied her to a chair, then I took all her air.
That's when I went to jail, got sentenced with no bail,
never got any mail, in life I sure did fail.
Thirty years lost, over the line I crossed,
would change things at any cost, my salad got daily tossed.
I now live alone, bracelet tied to my ankle bone,
can't even afford a phone, I've become an unknown.
Before the day I die, my eyes I'd like to dry,
I once reached for the sky, now I will say my last good-bye.

Two Girls

Sick and tired of your crap,
I stay up, while you nap.
I work all day, while you stay home,
You went to Paris, I went to Rome.
We don't have one thing in common,
can't you tell, Houston we have a problem.
We both know this won't last,
soon we'll be each others past.
have you found someone else,
maybe it's time to take off our belts.
Five years right down the drain,
I toasted our break-up with champagne.
No more of our week long fights,
no more of your dog that bites.
No more eating your bad cooking,
actually, I never thought you were that good looking.
Thinking back I miss your smile,
wishing I had a picture of you on file.
Its been a year and now I'm depressed,
meanwhile your rich boyfriend keeps you fancy dressed.
Never thought I'd miss you this much,
you always did have a magic touch.
Then finally, I found someone new,
she reminds me so much of you.
Then one night your new man died,
you came over and on my shoulder you cried.
You called me each and every day,
bouncing two girls seems so cliche.
Not sure which girl, I should keep,
went outside to find them kissing in my Jeep.
They saw me and started to laugh,
my whole world was just cut in half.
I guess I'm destined to be alone,
now only my hand makes me moan.

Crazy Love

I love you, you love me,
we're one dysfunctional family.
You're psychotic, I'm bipolar,
we both push a doll in a baby stroller.
You're a bit crazy, I'm a bit nuts,
we're both paranoid and have no guts.
Our two kids think we're insane,
for fun they tie us up with a chain.
We both take pills to help medicate,
when we get high, we like to levitate.
We've both been in a mental institution,
somehow we both avoided execution.
When we got married, no one came,
our family, we put to shame.
All that matters is we have each other,
it doesn't matter that we both suffer.
You write poems, I write rhyming stories,
mad scientists built us in secret laboratories.
Once a year we renew our vows,
all that ever attend are chickens and cows.
Kids moved out when they were ten,
we get supervised visits every now and then.
We fell in love when very young,
she loves the way I use my tongue.
Our favorite game is naked twister,
oh did I mention we're brother and sister.

I Have Nothing

I have no job, I have no life,
I'm just a slob, who has no wife.
I have no brains, I have no brawn,
I have lots of pains, and soon I'll be gone.
I have no money, I have no home,
life ain't funny with no hair to comb.
I have no pride, I have no pet,
not that I haven't tried,
I live in constant regret.
I have no eyes, I have no ears,
said all my goodbyes,
I'd cry but I have no tears.
I have no food, I have no drink,
not really in the mood,
I sure could use a shrink.
I have no car, I have no truck,
walking barefoot on hot tar,
makes me say what the ****.
I have no hopes, I have no dreams,
my life is on the ropes,
if only I could hear my screams.
I have no family, I have no friends,
living is agony, death will be my cleanse.
I have no reasons, I have no rhyme,
don't know the seasons, can't even tell time.
I have no heart, I have no soul,
my life is falling apart,
according to the latest poll.
I have no ink, I have no pen,
I'm very ***** and I stink,
not sure if I'll ever shower again.
I have no ****, I have no *****,
I'm just a toothless hick,
who has to *** in closed stalls.

Annoying

At night I hear neighbors dogs barking,
under my wheels, their dogs I'm parking.
In the night, I hear things that go bump,
I load up the shotgun, and give it a pump.
Jehovah witnesses knocking at the front door,
how I wish, I could bury them under my floor.
The car in front of me driving to slow,
my horn I give a constant blow.
The person in front of me at the store, taking to long,
some people on this Earth just don't belong.
Can't seem to get an *******,
even my hand got a rejection.
Roller coaster breaks down, right before my turn,
I've now reached the point of no return.
So many things make me annoyed,
maybe I need to visit Sigmund Freud.
Dinner not quite ready on time,
running out of things to rhyme.
No electric for more than an hour,
a woman that requires to much flour.
Watching movies I don't like,
My job is now going on strike.
Wiping my *** more than once,
wearing a hat that spells dunce.
Wife of ten years asked for a divorce,
things in life not taking the right course.
**** sites that make me pay,
my hair that is turning grey.
My beautiful children that never call,
girls that think my ***** is to small.
People that think their better than me,
having to pay for things that are free.
Things that annoy me is such a huge list,
just thinking about it is getting me ******.

In A World

In a world filled with danger,
everyone feels like a stranger.
In a world that's so chaotic,
everyone seems so neurotic.
People are drunk, ****** or popping pills,
they don't even care about paying bills.
In a world filled with disease,
we need something to put our minds at ease.
In a world where no one cares,
maybe I'm just splitting hairs.
Too much ******, too much ****,
is there any kind of escape.
Too many children getting molested,
not enough criminals getting arrested.
In a world filled with pain,
everyone is going madly insane.
In a world filled with suicide and depression,
all because of this extra long recession.
Too many rich, too many poor,
I've lost count of the score.
Too much violence, not enough ***,
what in the world will happen next.
In a world filled with darkness,
most of us feel so unconscious.
In a world filled with senseless shooting,
only good people, I am recruiting.
Is there anyone left pure and good,
if there isn't, well there should.
Follow me to the promise land.
together we all can make a stand.
In a world filled with peace,
poverty and crime will slowly decrease.
In a world filled with love,
together the bad things we can dispose of.

Loony Tunes

Bugs Bunny is my favorite rabbit,
watching him became my habit.
He was smart, funny and two steps ahead,
his popularity was very widespread.
His best friend was Daffy Duck,
he never did have the same luck.
Rabbit season, duck season,
rabbit season, duck season,
watching them, I needed no reason.
Speedy Gonzales was so very quick,
this fast mouse was also a *****.
Owned his own pizza place,
won a gold metal, at the local rat race.
Yosemite Sam was a short tempered man,
killing Bugs and Daffy was always his plan.
He's a liar, a cheat and a sore loser,
maybe he should have been a drug user.
Tasmanian Devil was a tornado of destruction,
he never needed any kind of introduction.
Foghorn Leghorn never saw a negative situation,
I say, I say boy was his favorite quotation.
Pepe Le Pew was a French skunk,
women loved his smelly *****.
Marvin The Martian was from Mars,
his laser gun would leave you with scars.
Tweety was an antagonizing canary,
lived with Granny, and flew like a crafty fairy.
Sylvester was Granny's pet cat,
him and Tweety always went *** for tat.
Road Runner was so very fast,
said beep beep as Wile E Coyote he passed.
Never fell for those Acme supplies,
getting blown up was his ultimate demise.
Porky Pig was just happy to be included,
the, the that's all folks, is how this will be concluded.

Nine Lives (Cat From Hell)

I have a cat that just wont die,
trust me, I gave it the old college try.
It pukes, pees and poops on the floor,
brings dead animals to my front door.
I've dropped him off many of miles,
but it always comes back after awhile's.
No food or water for many of weeks,
my water bed now has many leaks.
Killing this cat is so **** tricky,
whenever I **** it, he comes back like Little Nicky.
Poisoned its food with lots of cyanide,
into the window it would collide.
Stabbed it twice, buried it in the yard,
but in like Pet Sematary, this cat will die hard.
Ran it over and over with my truck,
he just makes me look like a schmuck.
Tried to drown it in my bath tub,
this cat belongs to the nine lives club.
Every morning, I wake up in my own blood,
it laughs at me while he smokes my last bud.
He breathes fire from its meowing mouth,
he definitely came from the deep south.
I'm like Tom, he's like Jerry,
its favorite drink is a ****** Mary.
I once even fed him to my dog,
next day it came back inside a brown log.
I've punched it hard, and kicked it far,
this hell cat is the most bizarre.
Tried killing it with a single gun shot,
burned it with water that was boiling hot.
No matter what I tried it wouldn't work,
he always made me look like a stupid ****.
I even burned down my own house,
there he was carrying out a dead mouse.
My whole body burning from cat scratch fever,
I chopped off its head with a sharp meat cleaver.
Put it in a huge ***, and made some cat chop suey,
it tasted bad and very gooey.
After that day, I felt scratching from the inside,
two weeks later, internal bleeding is how I died.

*******

Wouldn't change a thing, even if I could,
when I see her, I always sport a wood.
She is so very fine,
seeing her puts me on cloud nine.
Best *** I have ever seen,
hard to believe she is still a teen.
Between he thighs is the Bermuda triangle,
I get lost, but its something I can handle.
Smoothest skin you'll ever feel,
got turned down, but I applied for an appeal.
Hair is down to her ankles,
have to be careful when I light candles.
Our relationship is one of love and hate,
every topic is a heated debate.
She only likes me for my third leg,
to get her, I must always beg.
Our age difference doesn't matter,
I'm always on deck, to be the next batter.
She is not even old enough to drink,
but on the inside, its always pink.
She calls me her sugar daddy,
I always end up being her caddy.
She cheats on me every chance she gets,
but I still have no bitter regrets.
She moved in and steals all my money,
but she is more sweet than any kind of honey.
She is the most sexiest stripper,
I will always be the biggest tipper.
Then one day she was gone,
she used me just like a pawn.
She took my money and stole my new car,
she is now the biggest **** star.
The ***** never did pay me back,
now she is addicted to ****** and crack.
Tracked her down and got her rehabilitated,
she is now truly vindicated.
She lost the devil and found god,
well that's what she calls me, when riding my rod.
It truly is good to be the king,
she's now my queen, not just an expensive fling.

Laura

My woman thinks she's the best,
will admit she's better than the rest.
Took a bus, traveled a thousand miles,
she brightens my darkest days, when she smiles.
Like all couples we tend to fight,
but we always make up, before we say goodnight.
She's funny, **** and very smart,
she even laughs when I ****.
They say good things happen to those who wait,
when we first met she opened my flood gate.
Her and my kids are all I got,
being with her puts my stomach in a knot.
I like movies, she likes books,
no other woman has better looks.
She likes alternative, I like heavy metal,
she hates when I act crazy and mental.
All that matters is that we love each other,
her kids love their awesome mother.
Nothing for her I wouldn't do,
she has beautiful eyes that are blue.
We are two crazy people who fell in love,
she is a great woman, I will never get sick of.
Keeping it clean, I wont mention are *** life,
someday soon, she will be my lovely wife.
She would do anything for her family,
even if it defies the laws of gravity.
She has one magic touch,
in conclusion, I love her very much.

Obese

There once was a man, who lived in the city,
he thought his life was pretty ******.
Had no family, friends or a job,
this ******* was a six hundred pound slob.
Sat home eating food all day,
collecting welfare, so he didn't have to pay.
Couldn't bend over to tie his shoes,
if not eating, he'd be taking a snooze.
Waddling himself to the local store,
buying food and nothing more.
Can't fit in any car or truck,
**** his life must really ****.
Too fat to wipe his own ***,
gets rid of ****** berries, by rolling in the grass.
Five years later he was eight hundred pounds,
hired a nurse who made her daily rounds.
Too fat now, can't even leave his bed,
she would feed him and wash him toes to head.
Better her doing all that than me,
I like standing when I have to ***.
Two years later he finally died,
no one cared, no one cried.
He was forklifted to an over sized casket,
his heart finally blew a gasket.
Well I am here to say, I cared for this fat ****,
even though everywhere he went, he got stuck.
He was human, just like the rest of us,
not his fault, he was heavier than a tour bus.
If not for him, there would be no rhyme,
and I wouldn't be wasting your precious time.

Foot Long

When home alone, I wear no clothes,
when people walk by I strike a pose.
All my neighbors seem to enjoy,
of course I'm more ******* than the water boy.
I always make sure no kids are watching,
my ***** always look like their boxing.
You'd walk naked too, if you're thing was a foot long,
me and Tommy Lee seem to get along.
Been offered millions of times to be in ****,
women love to honk it like a horn.
When I wear clothes, they must be baggy,
I have less brain cells than ****** and Shaggy.
Can't drive a car or ride a bike,
I wear a helmet whenever I hitch hike.
Can't get laid, but girls love to touch,
I seem to like it if its to much.
Don't know my a, b, c's, can't count to ten,
sometimes I squirt more than an exploding pen.
Yesterday they put me in a special home,
from my mouth, I always seem to foam.
They wont let me walk in the ****,
the people here are so **** *****.
I fell in love with my nurse,
I guess things could be worse.
When the doctors found out,
they put me in a straitjacket,
now how am I supposed to whack it.

Ten Doors

Behind door number one,
is a naked woman, tanned from the sun,
willing to do anything you say for fun.
Behind door number two,
green grass and a sky that's always blue,
and a giant house built just for you.
Behind door number three,
a toilet bowl, in case you have to ***,
and a brand new Hybrid SUV.
Behind door number four,
you get to pick your own lifetime *****,
if you don't like our choices, in the back we got more.
Behind door number five,
is your favorite rock band, who will perform live,
also an in ground pool, so you can always dive.
Behind door number six,
is all the secrets to all the magic tricks,
and we will also sew on two extra *****.
Behind door number seven,
at your death you will go straight to heaven,
never again will you feel any kind of depression.
Behind door number eight,
in no more long lines will you have to wait,
and your choice to live in any country or state.
Behind door number nine,
a lifetime supply of you favorite beer or wine,
and plenty of *******, so you can always do a line.
Behind door number ten,
the day you die, the how and the when,
all the money you want, but only in yen.
You only get to pick one number,
hurry up you're not getting any younger.
This is such a tough decision,
it may take time and a precise precision.
I just don't know which one to choose,
either way I cannot lose.
I think I will go Eenie Meenie Miney Mo,
and from there, just see how it might go.

Sacrifice

Ten naked virgins tied to ten trees,
five men surround a fire on their knees.
Chanting versus from a satanic book,
twelve year old girls, these men took.
Ten families missing their daughter,
all for some devil worshiping slaughter.
With duct tape covering their mouth,
this could only happen in the south.
Their eyes were crazy glued shut,
these are ten girls that will never be a ****.
Each girl gets doused with gasoline,
how can five men be so mean.
This ritual is their strong belief,
the feelings they have spell relief.
Can't blame this on heavy metal,
just five guys who are a bit mental.
One by one each tree starts to burn,
in their minds, a lesson they must learn.
The ritual is called trial by fire,
melting of their skin and the wire.
The burning girls fall to the ground,
the five men hold hands and gather round.
As the duct tape starts to melt,
the pain these ten girls must have felt.
The men kept chanting and carrying on,
Let's meet Dave, Mark, Mike, Pete and Shawn.
Five brothers who lived with each other,
learned about this from their mother.
She was a witch and very evil,
flew around more than Mr. Knievel.
One day she taught them about the sacrifice,
to do it right, you can't be suffice.
Everything must go according to plan,
to find these girls the globe you must scan.
They all must live in different countries,
their fathers must be leaders of big companies.
They all must be born on the same day,
then on the day of my death, the ten girls you slay.
Ten long years of nothing but research,
no one ever knew, they even went to church.
When their mother got sick, they kidnapped the girls,
around their necks, they got special pearls.
They picked out the perfect location,
this wont be a funeral, but a celebration.
Then it happened the mother died,
within minutes the girls were getting tied.
This sacrifice will make mother once again rise,
a flaming flesh sort of baptize.
Something was wrong this wasn't working,
some other evil must be lurking.
All these girls were definitely a ******,
but one used to be a boy, until he met an evil surgeon.

Best Week Ever

Just had my best week of all time,
I'm 42 but still in my prime.
Spent some time with Brittany Spears,
I left her begging and in tears.
After a night with Beyonce,
she wanted me to be her fiance.
Just one night with Pink,
now she can't even blink.
Had a date with Katy Perry,
she asked me to pop her cherry.
Spent some time with J-Lo,
she was more sloppy than a joe.
Rihanna likes to play rough,
**** she looks good in the buff.
Me and Fergie ate some black eyed peas,
then we were joined by Alicia keys.
Had a blast with Taylor Swift,
we did it on a ski lift.
Avril Lavinge wanted it never to end,
now she wants to be her boyfriend.
I turned Miley Cyrus back into Hannah Montana,
its a secret what we did with a banana.
Me and Kesha sang her hit Tik Tok,
then she ****** on my clock.
Selena Gomez is a witch no more,
I turned her into my little *****.
Carrie Underwood won't slash my tires,
the heat between us started some fires.
Gwen Stefani left the singer from Bush,
she loved the way I smacked her ****.
Lady Ga Ga showed me her poker face,
with her I reached every base.
Me and Lita Ford kissed each other deadly,
then she sang me a **** medley.
Madonna said I was her best,
we spent no time dressed.
I was man enough for Sheryl Crow,
let me tell you, she can really blow.
As the week ended, I had Shakira moving her hips,
then I woke up and it was an **** with Gladys Night and her Pips.

Famous Poets

I may not be William Blake,
all my poems are mostly fake.
I may not be Robert Burns,
I'm to young to get any positive returns.
I may not be Robert Browning,
but really is anyone counting.
I may not be Emily Dickinson,
I write for shock and for fun.
I may not be Robert Frost,
but I do have my fingers crossed.
I may not be Thomas Hardy,
my mental state is never sturdy.
I may not be James Joyce,
but really did I ever have a choice.
I may not be Henry Wadsworth Longfellow,
wish I had the money to live at a bordello.
I may not be Ogden Nash,
I never have had enough cash.
I may not be Edgar Allan Poe,
but I'm a poet don't you know.
I may not be Mary Darby Robinson,
but at least I'm not a congressman.
I may not be William Shakespeare,
I love to write with not one fear.
I may not be Mark Twain,
but I do love standing in the rain,
I may not be Walt Whitman,
but at least I'm not a ship man.
I may not be William Butler Yeats,
my skills are still up for debates.
All their poems would set you free,
but now their dead, so its up to me.

I Eat

I eat fingers, I eat toes,
I will even eat a runny nose.
I eat arms, I eat legs,
I use blood in my scrambled eggs.
I eat eyes, I eat ears,
it goes down good with some cold beers.
I eat hair, I eat skin,
lots of good meat on a human shin.
I eat kidneys, I eat livers,
if you don't like it, cry me some rivers.
I eat guts, I eat brains,
Their already dead, so no one complains.
I eat *****, I eat *****,
it tastes better than some milk and a cookie.
I eat veins, I eat a heart,
eating an ***, always makes me ****.
I eat ****, I eat lips,
I will even eat artificial hips.
I eat moles, I eat warts,
I would even eat you stained shorts.
I eat appendix, I eat gall bladder,
on a rope or on a ladder.
I eat small and large intestines,
prison has taught me no lessons.
Some call me a ruthless cannibal,
I started as a child, when I ate then animal,
I'm like a zombie that isn't dead,
maybe its because I'm ******.

Lit Candle

I lit a candle in your honor,
still can't believe you're a goner.
You had some high expectations,
your death is under investigations.
Shot in the head, at the bar,
found in the trunk of your car.
Nobody there saw a thing,
you were more famous than a king.
Your blood still stains the wall,
no one is allowed to use that bathroom stall.
I lit another candle for a certain girl,
her blonde hair she liked to twirl.
This poor girl, no one will ever miss,
and it happened just like this.
She was a *******, standing on the corner,
not American, but a foreigner.
Nobody ever did identify her body,
she was more pretty, than a dressed up Barbie.
Shot in the head and left in the street,
a cop found her while walking the beat.
Its been a week and there is still a chalk line,
her life extension got a fatal decline.
I lit yet another candle,
these deaths are becoming quite the scandal.
Another person shot in the head,
in his house and left for dead.
There is a serial killer on the loose,
a horrible tragedy with no excuse.
Three deaths with not one answer,
its spreading faster than cancer.
The local police have no clues,
its the headline on all the news.
I still have candles left to light,
there will be another lit tonight.
Another innocent soul will be set free,
and if they only knew it was me.

Right Said Allen

I'm too hot for you, too hot for you,
so hot that your ***** are turning blue.
I'm too hot for my pants, too hot for my pants,
so hot that I can melt all the ants.
I'm too hot for this shirt, too hot for this shirt,
so hot that I have have to wear a skirt.
I'm too hot for my hair, too hot for my hair,
so hot that all the men and women stare.
I'm too hot for my car, too hot for my car,
so hot that people consider me a rock star.
I'm too hot for my words, too hot for my words,
so hot that I talk about myself in thirds.
I'm too hot for my house, too hot for my house,
so hot that I will never need a spouse.
I'm a poet, you know what I mean,
so **** funny, I ruptured my spleen.
Too many pages, I have to turn,
I turn them so fast, they start to burn.
I'm too hot for my dog, too hot for my dog,
so hot that when I kissed it, turned into a frog.
I'm too hot for my cat, too hot for my cat,
so hot that the ***** went flat.
I'm too hot for this poem, too hot for this poem,
so hot for London, Paris and even Rome.
I'm a poet and you know what I mean,
more of a winner than Charlie Sheen.
I'm too hot for this page, too hot for this page,
so hot that I belong on the big stage.
I'm too hot for a friend, too hot for a friend,
so hot that this is finally the end.

Split Personality

You wanna know what goes on in my head,
if you only knew, you would drop dead.
Anger, depression and suicidal thoughts,
maybe its all those little brain clots.
Conceited, vain and very egotistical,
confused, shocking and very mystical.
I'm eccentric, bizarre, and always unconventional,
my vision is always three dimensional.
I take the path that's less traveled,
things I do leave people baffled.
Even I don't know what I'm doing,
but trust me, I always got something brewing.
I practice in the art of deception,
I'm admired by my depth of perception.
I don't know wrong from right,
I see everything in black and white.
I'm a man you don't wanna meet,
I lie, steal and always cheat.
I'm flirty, ***** and very perverted,
if we're alone, I will leave you deserted.
I'm ****, hot and always aroused,
every girl I have slowly browsed.
I love assault, ****** and ****,
but I only write it for an escape.
Inside my head is torture and pain,
I'm certified and clinically insane.
Sometimes I take my medication,
when I don't, I'm on a permanent vacation.
I'd do anything to become famous,
even **** Donald Trump in his ****.
I've crossed over to the dark side,
to hell, I've already applied.
There is no help for me now,
before I go please give me a bow.
I'll accept a standing ovation,
sick and tired of all the aggravation.
I used to be so nice and kind,
into heaven, I got denied.
Don't pay attention to the things you read,
I entertain you til my fingers bleed.
Ask anybody, I really a great guy,
just like REO Speedwagon, its time for me to fly.

Being Modest

So you think you know me,
but you don't have a **** clue,
I'll chop you up and put me in my stew.
You stupid selfish *******,
the things I can do never have a glitch.
I always have the perfect plan,
I'm the side kick and the front man.
You only know a little of a portion,
of my minds total distortion.
I come and go as I please,
if you ever meet me, get on your knees.
Whatever I write, you always read,
if you don't, I'll make you bleed.
Trust me, you haven't seen my best,
wont be discovered, til I'm laid to rest.
Never doing what I'm told,
more contagious than the common cold.
You all wish you could be like me,
to all the locks, I have the key.
I don't run, I don't hide,
things I've done, you always let slide.
I'm a god, I'm a king and a genius,
I have more followers than the evil Jesus.
You all wish you had my talent,
but I'm sure your efforts are very gallant.
Don't mean to be so conceited,
but being awesome deserves to be repeated.
I can move mountains, and walk on water,
with each day, I get more hotter.
If you try and slow me down,
your white underwear will turn brown.
If you soon don't jump on my bandwagon,
I'll burn you more than a fearless dragon.
I can heal people with a single touch,
maybe I think of myself to much.
Well maybe I do, what do you care,
all my secrets, I will never share.
I have an ego, I can't control,
long ago I sold the devil my soul.
If what I'm writing is to offending,
this is how my poem will be ending.

Never Forget Your Pills

Pretending to be normal,
its so hard when you're immortal.
In bed I'm called a god,
stand up for me and applaud.
Me more happy than a clam,
I'm more American than Uncle Sam.
I make your dreams come true,
I'm more famous than Playboys Hugh.
I love to flirt, I love to tease,
my goal is to always please.
I love being in the ****,
I'm just that kind of dude.
A few times I've almost died,
I get emotional and have cried.
Some say that I'm delusional,
I find that to be kind of disputable.
You try being so **** perfect,
coming from me, what do you expect.
Not my fault, I'm the best,
I live by the power of suggest.
I open so many closed minds,
if somethings lost, I give it a finds.
I make magic with my pen,
I'm smarter than the three wise men.
I have no more competition,
everyone failed the last audition.
Everywhere I go, I get praised,
happening so long, I don't get phased.
Some say i suffer from schizophrenia,
all I read is the newest encyclopedia.
Can't help having god like features,
back in school, I taught the teachers.
Today I forgot to take my medicine,
everything just written was irrelevant.

The Rhyming Shuffle

Feeling all alone,
life is on postpone.
No one seems to care,
time is now to beware.
Stick me with a fork,
in my *** is a scented cork.
Farts smelling like a rose,
watching bodies decompose.
Climbing up Jacob's ladder,
peeing a lot cause of my bladder.
Calling me an Uncle Tom,
shaving my hairy palm.
Addicted to Candy Crush,
brain turning into mush.
Tired of always snapping,
I deserve some ***** slapping.
Grass is always greener,
with the little old lady from Pasadena.
On board the love boat,
left me with a sore throat.
Saving money is impossible,
spending is just unstoppable.
Writing rhymes is all I know,
all my ducts are in a row.
Going fishing without a pole,
one to many hits from my bowl.
Dying of old age,
took my final bow,
on the center stage.

A Bizarre Czar

You can call me the Grinch,
stealing Christmas was such a cinch.
Went to Whoville, and stole the toys,
crying was all the little girls and boys.
You can call me Ebenezer Scrooge,
my bank account and ***** is very huge.
Bah humbug to all you poor people,
if you only could see the size of my steeple.
I am mean, I am vicious,
unlike you I'm very ambitious.
I'll take your home, I'll take your car,
make your payments or I'll leave a scar.
Some call me the new ******,
but I'm stronger and much bigger.
I love to see chaos and destruction,
pretty soon, I wont need an introduction.
I'm a genius, who is insane,
I cause suffering, I cause pain.
All of you, are so far beneath,
too rule the world is my belief.
I rule the north, I rule the south,
don't you dare open your mouth.
I rule the west, I rule the east,
I used to be a catholic priest.
Before I take over this pathetic world,
a thousand pounds I once curled.
Don't you dare give me a reason,
especially during the baseball season.
Before I take everyone as my prisoner,
I need your consent with a signature.
Be prepared to be my slave,
I have become the latest rave.
People follow just like fools,
I take their money and their jewels.
I'm the leader of a new cult,
death to you all will be the result.

House Of Death

Blood drips from the wall,
phone dead, can't make a call.
All the lights suddenly go out,
from the attic, I hear a woman shout.
I run for the door, but its locked,
is this the house where all the ghosts flocked.
All the widows are covered in bars,
I moved here to cover all my scars.
I now know why the house was so cheap,
how's a man supposed to get any sleep.
All the paintings have moving eyes,
since when have dead people become spy's.
I can't believe this house is haunted,
I'm getting used to it, but its not what I wanted.
Faucets dripping red all night long,
starting to feel like I belong.
Haven't left the house in a week,
this house is filled with plenty of mystique.
Searching all rooms for some kind of a clue,
the closer I get the louder they boo.
I can hear people banging on the door,
I wish I could tell them, that I don't mean to ignore.
Slowly I start to run out of food,
starvation is putting me in a bad mood.
I grab a hammer and break down the ****** walls,
living here sure takes a lot of *****.
Dead bodies behind the sheet rock,
if only these red walls could talk.
The screams I heard in the attic,
was a recording of a ghost hunter fanatic.
Found some old clippings of the past,
all my questions have been asked.
This was the house my great grandfather built,
he killed my family and had no guilt.
I am the only left family survivor,
then I got stabbed with a rusty screwdriver.
My family name is now gone forever,
I hope he doesn't know about my daughter Heather.
Before I died, I started a fire,
put some extra lint in the gas dryer.
Now my daughter will never know,
I just wish I could watch her grow.