Evil Tales

So you think, you know who I am,
I killed Mary, and ate her little lamb.
I killed Goldilocks and ate the three bears,
then dumped the porridge down the stairs.
I pushed Humpty Dumpty off that wall,
I'm the reason for his great fall.
I'm the one who killed Bambi's mother,
that deer tasted like no other.
I put the poison in Snow White's apple,
the blood from the seven dwarfs,
I put in every red Snapple.
I chopped off all of Rapunzel's hair,
yes I know that wasn't fair.
I'm the father of Cinderella's step sisters,
after midnight I gave her some cold sore blisters.
I put Sleeping Beauty fast asleep,
then ran her over in my new Jeep.
Georgie Porgie kissed the girls and made them cry,
that is the reason, he had to die.
Little Miss Muffet ate her curds and whey,
it was my spider who had a Muffet buffet.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
I pushed Jack down and gave Jill a thrill.
Little Red Riding Hood went to Grandma's house,
then the big bad Allen pulled up her red blouse.
The Three Little Pigs never had a chance,
I huffed and puffed and ate pork til I **** my pants.
This old man, he played one,
knick, knack, paddy whack,
then my dog ate his thumb,
There was an Old Woman who lived in a shoe,
then one day, I filled it with crazy glue.
I killed Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy,
inside my head is very, very scary.

Alone

Just one simple paycheck away,
never saved money for that rainy day.
Now I'm walking down the street,
begging you for food to eat.
Haven't shaved in a week,
looking like a bearded freak.
If you drive by, throw me a dime,
I ain't got nothing but time.
Built a fort in a tree,
wishing I had some lsd.
Clothes are torn, body covered in dirt,
I sure could use a brand new shirt.
I use leaves to wipe my ***,
stay away from that brown grass.
I take a shower when it rains,
with no soap, the dirt remains.
Looking for some needed assistance,
my life never had any kind of consistence.
I eat worms, I eat bugs,
I'd rather have some illegal drugs.
All I drink is animal blood,
my fort got washed away by a flood.
Now I walk the streets alone,
fighting dogs for their juicy bone.
I have no weapons to **** a mammal,
if you saw me on tv, you'd turn the channel.
Getting weaker by the day,
clouds over me are always grey.
Then one day I met you,
ripped her to pieces and made a stew.
Ate clam chowder for half a year,
she was fat and I showed no fear.
Me not knowing she had aids,
wishing now I had some razor blades.
Knowing soon, I'm about to die,
for my pathetic life, please don't cry.
Should have picked an animal with rabies,
cause I never was good with the ladies.

ABC

Aroused body,
coquettish dancing.
****** fondling,
groping hugging.
Intense jealousy,
***** loving.
Massage naked,
oral pleasure.
Quiet romance,
swingers teasing.
Unholy ******,
wet Xanadu,
voyeurs zooming.

Don't Know

Don't know you, don't know me,
maybe its time to break free.
Don't know goodness, don't know sin,
I have know idea where I've been.
Don't know rich, don't know poor,
they say I have delusions of grandeur.
Don't know heaven, don't know hell,
I don't even know how to spell.
Don't know hours, don't know time,
too many mountains left to climb.
Don't know women, don't know men,
but they say, I'm related to William Penn.
Don't know drugs, don't know beer,
the consequences are always severe.
Don't know fun, don't know depression,
my court is always in session.
Don't know windows, don't know floors,
what's mine isn't necessarily yours.
Don't know fiction, don't know fact,
everything I do is just an act.
Don't know bees, don't know birds,
all I have are useless words.
Don't know comedy, don't know drama,
not even sure where to put a comma.
Don't know water, don't know land,
losing my memory was not planned.
Don't know love, don't know pain,
something hit me in my confused brain.
Don't know my mom, don't know my dad,
maybe I'm happy, maybe I'm sad.
Don't know black, don't know white,
I hope everything turns out alright.
Don't know clothes, don't know *****,
I love walking around in the ****.
Don't know months, don't know years,
so why do I have so many tears.
Don't know how, don't know when,
can't even count to the number ten.
Don't know knick, don't know knack,
lets face facts, I don't know Jack.

In the darkness, filled with pain,
memories are all that remain.
Remembering the days that once was,
doing things, well just because.
I've awoken in this wooden grave,
its to late now, you can't save.
Thinking I'm dead, but not quite sure,
maybe I'm alive, on a six foot under tour.
There is no bright light, in case you're wondering,
trust me, cause I'm endlessly searching.
Not really sure how I died,
my friend and family, alive they cried.
Didn't wanna be buried in a wooden box,
wanted my ashes spread, where I took my walks.
I can't see a stairway to heaven,
I hope that answers everyone's question.
There is no highway to hell,
if there was, I'd surely stop at the famous California hotel.
I used to believe in reincarnation,
but now the maggots have started their infestation.
Never did make out a living will,
sometimes life is a bitter pill.
Not sure if I ever said my last goodbyes,
but I can feel tears dripping from my eyes.

Hey everyone have you heard the news.
Someone has loosened all my screws.
Some might say I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
I may be crazy but I need no cuffs.
Weird I am but in a good way.
When I talk, I always spray.
Mentally ill people call my strange.
My brain just needs an oil change.
Nothing wrong with being unusual.
My feelings of you are evenly mutual.
At times I can be very odd.
I can't help that I am God.
Not rich enough to be eccentric.
Not poor enough to be egocentric.
My elevator doesn't go to the top.
As a baby I must have been dropped.
Someone blew out my pilot light.
Never been accused of being bright.
No one on Earth is more flaky.
If I'm nervous, I become shaky.
Its fun being nutty as a fruitcake.
Leave me alone and give me a break.
You might say I'm off my rocker.
To all beautiful girls I am a stalker.
I have never played with a full deck.
Sometimes in my pants, I have a wreck.
Many of my marbles are still missing.
Kids in school were always hissing.
So what it my attic is a bit dusty.
All my brain cells have become rusty.
Even though on walls I like peeing.
I am still a human being.

Death Threat

Hello ***** prepare to die,
you know the reasons and the why.
Your life, I plan on taking,
this is no joke, I'm not mistaking.
I hate your ******* guts,
when arrested, they will think I'm nuts.
Chop you up into little pieces,
then send them to all your favorite nieces.
Say goodbye to everyone you know,
because pretty soon your blood will flow.
You took my soul, heart and my pride,
now I will have to run and hide.
You took my clothes, food and my money,
stop laughing *****, this **** ain't funny.
You took my house, car and my boat,
revenge will be mine, that you can quote.
You took my drugs, beer and my pills,
I'm going through withdrawal and getting the chills.
You took everything that I own,
your mind is about to be blown.
I now live in the street,
people in cars throw me food to eat.
It get kinda cold late at night,
this is my death threat to you, that I write.
I'm at the point of no return,
a cruel lesson you must learn.
I hope you enjoy these last few hours,
your grave will deserve no flowers.

Alone I sit in the dark,
no light, no candle, not even a spark.
Wondering where the time has gone,
not even tired, can't even yawn.
Feels like I've been up for weeks,
tried all the sleeping techniques.
Took some pills and counted sheep,
but still I could not sleep.
I live the life of an insomniac,
some say I'm just a hypochondriac.
Watching television shows that are boring,
listening to my girlfriend loudly snoring.
Even tried some anesthesia,
that just left me with amnesia.
For a day I forgot my name,
when I remembered it was still the same.
Even tried getting hypnotized,
it didn't work but I improvised.
Told him a story about getting molested,
or maybe that's what he suggested.
So here I lie in my bed,
I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead.
Had a boxer punch me in the face,
now I have a fat lip and a nose out of place.
Tried some ****** so off I could doze,
eyes wide open, but my body was froze.
At this point I'd settle for a nap,
I'm so wired I might just snap.
Had a dentist give me some laughing gas,
the nitric oxide knocked me on my ***.
Now I'm in a deep coma,
as for the dentist, he lost his diploma.

There is a man who thinks he's in charge,
he's strong, dumb and very large.
Twenty foot tall and that's a fact,
twenty and a half to be exact.
He can crush you with his bare hands,
you better obey his list of demands.
Not the devil, not a god,
just a huge man who's very odd.
Not a monster, not a myth,
just a man you can't mess with.
Stomps on people just for fun,
chaos for him has just begun.
He can **** you with his mighty fist,
its the third demand on his list.
Can't speak a word only grunts,
eats babies and smokes big blunts.
If he kicks, you will land a mile away,
his nasty teeth are filled with decay.
Getting shot just makes him mad,
will not stop killing til he finds his deadbeat dad.
His demand list has only five things,
you must call him the king of kings.
He has a name, please call him Rick,
or he'll slap you with his seven foot ****.
You already know number three,
he'll punch you if you don't agree.
You don't wanna know number four,
but trust me it will lead to gore.
Killing his father is number five,
keep out of his way, if you wanna stay alive.
Five is as high that he can count,
his dads head he wants to mount.
Giving birth killed his poor mom,
her body exploded like a bomb.
He's only twenty, grew one foot a year,
not even old enough to drink a beer.
Found his dad and ripped off his head,
he actually smiled after the father was dead.
Rick became a very nice guy,
now he is friendly and very shy.
Rick died when he was thirty,
at the wake, Weird Al sang White And Nerdy.
His ashes are in a six foot urn,
this sad story will now adjourn.

I met a woman, I once knew,
back in school, she'd sniff glue.
She didn't recognize as I walked by,
so I didn't even bother to say hi.
I saw my mom who left me at five,
I was kinda hoping, she wasn't alive.
She gave me a second look,
gave her the finger, then off I took.
I saw my first love at the store,
she was the first girl, that let me explore.
I went in and asked her to lunch,
she had more kids than the Brady Bunch.
Met my ex wife at the local mall,
haven't seen her since our last brawl.
My nose is still badly broken,
her lips and jaw was still swollen.
Saw a girl that used to be a neighbor,
she now works for the department of labor.
We played doctor, we played house,
she liked playing with my mighty mouse.
Just today I bumped into my old babysitter,
she still hangs out with my sister.
My dad used to pay her very well,
in his bedroom she used to yell.
There is still one girl, I have left to see,
this is a girl that also hasn't met me.
I'm still looking for miss right,
I just hope the ***** is white.

When I'm hungry, you feed me food,
our wedding vows, we recently renewed,
the *** is better after a good feud,
I prefer you only in the ****.
When I'm sick, you make me well,
marrying you, was an easy sell,
head over heals for you, I madly fell,
remember our first time, in that motel.
When I'm thirsty, you get my drink,
both our thoughts are always in sync,
you are my unsolved missing link,
I love when you give me that special wink.
When I'm naked, you give me clothes,
forever grateful, its me you chose,
you even let me pick my nose,
I love you from head to toes.
When I'm bleeding, you give me stitches,
together we went from rags to riches,
we scratch each others unbearable itches,
you cured all my faults and glitches.
When I'm *****, you make me ***,
you made this man from a ***,
just look at what I have become,
everyday spent with you, I am succumb.
When I'm down, you make me high,
with you, the limit is the sky,
anything you want, go ahead and buy,
you're more American that apple pie.
When I'm lost, you give me a found,
its always nice having you around,
before you, I was tightly wound,
saying I love you, requires no sound.

To expel intestinal gases through the ****.
The definition makes it sound kinda heinous.
Whether you pass wind or pass gas,
either way it comes out your ***.
Farts are loud and some silent but deadly,
you can make it sound like a medley.
Farts are cool and sometimes funny,
lookout for ones that become runny.
Some like to **** in your face,
it may cause pink eye,
and sting like mace.
Farts can smell and usually bad,
must be a duck, says your dad.
I have farts that never stink,
although some were on the brink.
Dog farts will make you take cover,
the smell lingers and starts to hover.
Woman never ****,
but watch out when they do,
it can be brutal,
once their comfortable with you.
If in certain places you must hold it in,
farting in church is considered a sin.
A good **** can make you feel good,
its part of life and fully understood.
Every **** deserves a smile or a giggle,
don't forget to give your *** a shake or a wiggle.
For ones who think farting is disgusting,
I bet your ******* needs a good dusting.

Love is more than hugs and kissing,
its when their not around, you're missing.
Love is more than naked massages and ***,
its when every five minutes you have to text.
Love is more than passion and affection,
its when two people have a magic connection.
Love is more than saying I love you,
its a strong commitment you must pursue.
Love is a special bond between two people,
if closely related, it could be illegal.
Love is more than kissing each other goodnight,
its making up after each and every fight.
Love is more than butterflies in the belly,
its no being afraid of use some petroleum jelly.
Love is more than buying a dozen roses,
sometimes love is right under our noses.
Love is more than having a big wedding,
each day it seems to be spreading.
Love is more than an attraction,
its finally getting some satisfaction.
Love is more than being with til the end,
you also must be each others best friend.
Love is more than a burning flame,
feeling for each other must be the same.
Love is more than a myth or a theory,
sometimes its so scary its eerie.
Love is more than a roll of the dice,
its like being on a permanent paradise.
Love is more than sharing the same bed,
love is everything and more,
than I could fathom or be said.

In the forest, there lives a tree,
its hidden well and hard to see.
Loggers came and chopped it down,
the surrounding trees all started to frown.
That poor lonely tree is now gone,
its now the paper that we write on.
In the ocean there lives a fish,
an endangered species on a rich mans dish.
Fishing boats illegally catch it with a net,
they get paid extra and have no regret.
This once thriving fish are dying out,
don't they know there are plenty of trout.
In the world there lives a person,
whose cancer condition is about to worsen.
The chemotherapy is not working,
death is now slowly lurking.
This is a disease that has no cure,
is there anything left that is pure.
With the way things are going,
there wont be anything left worth knowing.

Diary Of A Serial Killer

My life began normal,
in a very small town,
I can't remember once ever having a frown.
I'm not sure how I became a mad hatter,
but who really cares,
and what does it matter.
My first **** was the guy who ***** my sister,
ever since then my brain has had a blister.
Now i **** people just for fun,
and never have I had to use a gun.
I randomly pick people,
from my local telephone book,
and it don't matter,
if you're a plumber, lawyer or a cook.
I stalk you for days,
I even go to your work,
I once even killed the local town clerk.
At every crime scene, I leave a small clue,
I mark their body, with a small tattoo.
I have killed twenty, maybe even more,
then I leave them ******,
on their own kitchen floor.
The cops can't catch me, I am way to quick,
I am harder to find, then Ole Saint Nick.
When the time comes, I will **** myself,
and maybe my grand kids,
can put my trophies on their shelf.

The Viper

I have an idea for a new invention,
I'm sure it will get a lot of attention.
The name is the The Viper,
and its an automatic *** wiper.
Never again will you have to wipe your own ***,
you just install the snake head,
with its tongue made of sea bass.
All you do is push the button on the latrine,
out comes the tongue to wipe your *** clean.
I'm sure this will become a big hit,
people will rush to their bathroom,
just to take a ****.
Never again will you need toilet paper.
and if you call now,
I will throw in the automatic *** scraper.
Never again will you have to worry about ****** berries,
And don't forget to order the scented tongues,
if you want your ***, to smell like cherries.
There is a limited supply,
please call now,
operators are standing by.

Second Chance

I hid from you long enough,
tides are high, waves are rough.
Ready for my crash landing,
energy forming from where I'm standing.
You're time is up, mine is just beginning,
two strikes, two outs, bottom of the ninth inning.
No one knows what will happen next,
I sent you a message, I hope its me you text.
Time is up you better decide,
I'm always here for you to confide.
I hurt you once, it wont happen again,
I hid my tears by crying in the rain.
All I ask is for a second chance,
please give me one last glance.
Cheating on you was not my intention,
you were distant and I needed attention.
She was an escort, it meant nothing,
I didn't know the blow would be so crushing.
You may cheat on me, if that's what it takes,
everyone will make a million mistakes.
Now I'm back pleading and begging,
I hope you're forgiving and forgetting.
If its no, I will understand,
as the Beatles sang, I wanna hold your hand.
I broke your fragile gentle heart,
I know that wasn't very smart.
After our talk, you walked away,
I killed myself that very same day.

Reunited

Walking down a path, where no man should ever go,
its dark, cold, damp and I'm moving very slow.
Feeling the walls that are covered in slime,
too many things happening at the same time.
So much hidden deep down in my soul,
not sure if I can escape this black hole.
Things I've done can never be told,
Sometimes life gets put on hold.
If only these things, I could mention,
it would relieve so much tension.
So many things, I just can't say,
if I did I'd be put so far away.
I've reached the point of no return,
next one who gets in my way, I'm gonna burn.
Getting more angry by the minute,
bought some guns in case I have to shoot.
This giant duffle bag is getting quite heavy,
I wish I still had my 57 Chevy.
Back then life was great,
Wife, kids, house, fence with a gate.
Then one stormy night, a car went off the road,
since that night my brain started to overload.
Fell into a deep depression,
lost my job, thanks to the recession.
Lost my house, lost my car,
all my dreams are now to far.
Walked into the place, I used to work,
hated my boss, he was such a ****.
Grabbed my guns and started to shoot,
all the blood was staring to pollute.
Shot as many as I possibly could,
don't know why, just thought I should.
Losing everything drove me insane,
I'm not making excuses for my brain.
Not long after there were hundreds of police,
there was no offering of a sign of peace.
They barged in and I resisted arrest,
I was shot several times in the chest.
I wanted to die, but always in style,
all I could see was my families smile.
Now we're back all reunited,
I have never been more delighted.
No one I shot that day ended up dying,
just some blood and a lot of crying.

Hang Man

Demons come from out of the shadows,
to hang us all with wooden gallows.
Our time is up, on this land called Earth,
its all we've known since our birth.
Time to pay for all our so called sins,
while we hang, they stick us with pins.
After we die, we're thrown into a giant hole,
every second, you can see another escaping soul.
Is this judgement day about to begin,
maybe ****** moved back to East Berlin.
People linked with cuffs and chains,
they burn what's left of our remains.
One by one, we're put in a noose,
not to tight, but not to loose.
While you hang and gasp for air,
they skin you like a tasty fresh pear.
The hole is consumed with fire and flames,
the devil and his silly little games.
This must be the foulest stench,
they drink our blood when they need to quench.
So much smoke it blocks out the sun,
they eat our wieners with a bun.
You can see them laugh as we all hang,
like were some part of an old wild west gang.
Our planet is still dark to this very day,
in god we trust, should be in god we betray.
This so called god, didn't even lift a thumb,
to believe in him now, you must be dumb.
Earthquakes and volcanoes, destroyed what was left,
on this Earth, we are nothing more than a visiting guest.

Evil Santa

You better watch out, you better not pout,
evil Santa will descale you like a trout.
He's a crook, you've all been took,
don't you dare give him a ***** look.
Mow his grass, kiss his ***,
or he'll stab you with broken glass.
He's a liar, will never retire,
your life is about to expire.
Can't control his temper,
its best if you surrender,
you're going feet first in a blender.
He has no shame, you are the blame,
its you he's about to maim.
Evil Santa is coming to town,
you have no time to frown,
he's worse than It the clown.
You will sigh, then you'll cry,
then you will slowly die.
He lost his pride, gained a step in his stride,
sooner or later you will collide.
He's a cheat, life ain't complete,
until its you he will eat.
He's killed two, maybe a few,
next it will be you.
He sold his soul, paid the toll,
aren't you glad he's out on parole.
He kills a lot, his brain has a clot,
plus this is the stories plot.
Its you he will stalk,
followed you around the block,
then he gave your door a deadly knock.
He knows when you are sleeping,
its him you will see peeping,
your life just isn't worth keeping.
He knows when you're awake,
your death will not be a fake,
so be good for goodness sake.
You better watch out, you better not shout,
death to you, I have no doubt.
Your underwear will soon turn brown,
his reindeer will gladly run you down,
evil Santa is coming to your town.

Red Note

I slit my wrist, blood dripping down,
life without you is a ghost town.
I blame myself for this mess,
all the drama caused me stress.
Feeling no pain, body is numb,
don't look at me like you're succumb.
I left you a note, just some words left unsaid,
by the time you read this, it will be red.
When you left, I was in tears,
our love shifted in different gears.
As you can see, I never recovered,
I watched my soul as it hovered.
I figured you suffered long enough,
you dared me to, and I called your bluff.
You left me alone and in the dark,
your bite was worse than your bark.
You pushed and pushed til I fell over the ledge,
this suicide note is my dying pledge.
Grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer,
I wish you were here, to see the blood pour.
When you shut the light out in my office,
swore never again will I be cautious.
At least you let me clean out my desk,
last I looked in the mirror, I was grotesque.
Didn't mean to lose millions of dollars,
this building is a community filled with scholars.
My boss said I committed career suicide,
I knew one day, our heads would collide.
The love I had was for my job,
I even had a golden door ****.
The blood I speak of is red ink,
losing my job drove me to drink.
While writing this note my pen exploded,
the knife was my pen that had eroded.
I would never really slit my wrist,
although it would be one hell of a twist.

Friends

Friends stop and stare,
I wonder if they even care.
Ones you thought were friends,
end up being just trends.
Moving on to better things,
lets see what tomorrow brings.
Some friends you think are the best,
all their drama just leave you stressed.
Most friends just pass you by,
even on the show they all said goodbye.
No one likes friends that are fake,
their more slippery than a snake.
Friends may come and friends may go,
its always money that they owe.
A once best friend is now an enemy,
its usually because of some kind of jealousy.
Some friends sleep with someone you love,
shoot them twice, then carefully dispose of.
Some friends from school you never see again,
they moved away to their new domain.
Some friends will last forever,
will stand behind you on every endeavor.
Most friends you can not trust,
even knowing you think you must.
No matter how big the fight,
true friends will make it alright.
Your best friend is usually your lover,
some friends you may never discover.
A real friend will stand by your side,
not run off and pretend to hide.
I've had so many friends, I can't even a count,
it doesn't matter the number or the amount.
Friends you have today, could be a foe tomorrow,
they leave you swimming in a sea of sorrow.
I'm very thankful for my friends, now and from the past,
with each other, I've had a blast.
Even the ones that did me wrong,
one way or another, you once did belong.
I've learned something from each one,
some friendships have not yet begun.

Best Friends

I always get you what you need,
case of beer and a bag of ****.
You can count on me, to hook you up,
a cute kitten, or a small baby pup.
I'd give you a liver, or a kidney,
I'd even clean out your ***** chimney.
I'm more than happy to mow your grass,
for a price, I'd even wipe your hairy ***.
Got no car, I'll give you a ride,
I'm very honest, and I never lied.
I'll buy you a ticket, to see your favorite band,
if ever drowning, I'll bring you to dry land.
I'll buy you dinner, I'll buy you drinks,
hang with me and no more jinx.
If drunk, I'll tuck you in bed at night,
to all my parties, you'll get an invite.
You can borrow all my money,
dry your eyes when they're runny.
I give you the best advice,
always free, never a price.
I listen when you have problems,
I give you many of random options.
I'd give you my last cigarette,
let you borrow my classic corvette.
I hook you up with super hot chicks,
I'd give you anything from my bag of tricks.
We've been best friends since first grade,
through your troubles, its me who stayed.
I know someday you'll return the favor,
if he only knew his naked sister is my screen saver.

This is the house that Santa forgot,
a story that will put your stomach in a knot.
Timmy and Tina Thompson,
are twins at age five,
their address is 2156 Holiday Drive.
They went to the mall and sat on Santa's lap,
Tina in her favorite dress,
Timmy in his lucky cap.
Asking only for toys and dolls,
for which they have none,
a Barbie for Tina,
for Timmy a toy gun.
Both parents are out of work and very poor,
not something Santa could easily ignore.
Santa promised what they wanted,
but they must be good,
Timmy and Tina promised that they would.
Santa wrote down their list,
checked it again to be sure,
no other two kids were more innocent and pure.
Christmas Eve at last,
they left milk and cookies on the table,
off to bed for this was no fable.
Morning came and they jumped out of bed,
Merry Christmas to each other they quietly said.
Still no presents, stockings or even a tree,
but dear Santa, how could thee.
The milk was spoiled and the cookies went stale,
tears started falling as thick as hail.
Parents woke up to a puddle of tears,
promising things will get better in upcoming years.
They tried to explain that maybe Santa got lost,
Timmy and Tina kept their fingers crossed.
Outside they see other kids playing with new toys,
all the little happy girls,
all the little happy boys.
Minutes became hours in a matter of seconds,
still no Santa and still no presents.
Word spread fast in this tiny little town,
neighbors would not take this lying down.
For this is the house that Santa forgot,
just a trailer on an empty lot.
Neighboring parents all gathered round,
the meeting was a secret, no one made a sound.
All the children gave up one new toy,
whatever it takes to bring Christmas joy.
Hank from down the street,
put on his old Santa suit,
off he went on the short commute.
Then after all the toys got re wrapped,
he climbed the roof, and went down the chimney,
a story like this wasn't made in Disney.
**, **, ** said Santa, holding a giant bag,
no longer will this Christmas be such a drag.
Timmy and Tina jumped up and down with great big smiles,
Santa finally found them after endless miles.
We always knew you wouldn't forget us, they said,
Christmas carols were now being heard widespread.
Sorry kids, Santa said, but the reindeer got tired,
heard of your problem and I got inspired.
I come with gifts, for you guys to share,
toys to play with and clothes to wear.
I must be on my way as Santa says goodbye
they gave Santa a hug as they started to cry.
Other neighbors came by and dropped off food,
even God was smiling as he looked down and viewed.
Their parents in awe in what the neighbors brought,
it was the best Christmas they ever did have,
at the house that Santa forgot.

Before you, my life was empty,
you became my good and plenty.
My life was filled with nothing,
my heart was constantly crushing.
Hair is brown, eyes are blue,
you love me and I love you.
You have that magic touch,
when I'm broken, you're my crutch.
What we have, we gladly share,
we make one hell of a pair.
You laugh at all my silly jokes,
you fulfilled my dreams and hopes.
You cheer my up, when I'm down,
you always treat me like a proper noun.
This once sad man is now happy,
I hope this doesn't sound to **** sappy.
You can't sleep unless we cuddle,
even if we fight and struggle.
You're the wind beneath my wings,
you put mud on all my bee stings.
Our love somehow found a way,
love is something, we never have to say.
You're the best woman I've ever seen,
no one will ever get in between.
You're the love of my life time,
I hope you liked this wedding vow rhyme.

Hey man, listen to my groove,
sit down and please don't move.
Can you feel the fresh air,
blowing through your blonde hair.
Feel the rhythm in my soul,
can't be stopped, I'm on a role.
Diamonds and pearls, can't afford,
around my neck, tighten the cord.
Seeing you through the dusty sand,
come with me, take my hand.
Listening to the words you say,
stalking me like your prey.
Running myself out of time,
convicted of a violent crime.
Love is what I'm guilty of,
rain pours down from above.
Walking down an endless road,
sending a message in Morse code.
beep, beep, dot, dot, dot,
someone smoked all my ***.
Love for you, will never die,
your husband gave me a black eye.
As I wonder where you are,
after the punch, life became a blur.

Been with a *****, been with a nun,
doing it in church seemed to be more fun.
Been with a mom, been with her daughter,
not sure which one was hotter.
Been with my friends sister, been with her twin,
after that three way my face had a grin.
Been with a princess, been with a queen,
they made me a sandwich and I was in between.
Been with a ******, been with a ****,
it was live, uncensored and uncut.
Been with a diva, been with a wife,
until her husband chased me with a knife.
Now I found someone special,
my love life is on a brand new level.
Gave up all my women, for one awesome lady,
she's more wholesome than Carol Brady.
All those other girls didn't mean a thing,
my new woman even got an engagement ring.
She drives me more crazy, than the others combined,
my little black book, I left very far behind.
On the day that we get married,
at our honeymoon hotel,
through the door she'll be carried.
Once I tell her about my past,
not sure how long the marriage will last.

Are you lonesome tonight,
did you and your hubby have a fight.
You know you're always welcome here,
I will wipe away any kind of tear.
Take your coat off and stay awhile,
hang here with me, til you reconcile.
It doesn't matter how long it takes,
people always will make mistakes.
Is that your husband banging on my door,
screaming come out you two timing *****.
I just called the local police,
don't want my landlord to break my lease.
I warned you not to marry that creep,
you take the bed, on the couch, I will sleep.
We have been friends a very long time,
I would give you my very last dime.
I hated when we drifted apart,
you broke my unbreakable heart.
When we met, I loved you from first glance,
if you weren't married, would you give me a second chance.
Are you lonesome tonight,
would you cheat on your husband out of spite.
Is your heart filled with pain,
you could always hop on my happy train.
Then you slapped me in the face,
I was called out going to first base.
When you said no I felt so rejected,
that is what I kinda suspected.
Now my apartment is bare,
I'm alone and standing there.
I guess hitting on her wasn't so bright,
cause now I'm the one who is lonesome tonight.